Yeah it's heartbreaking. I have had the same thing strike me many many times. Talk about kicking someone when they're down!
It's really important to build new memories with your kids going forward. It doesn't help now, but it will in 6 months, 12, months, 2 years... You AND your kids will have other memories so that the old ones will not feel so lonely anymore. It hurts. I too had the perfect home and all the things we ever dreamed of before my wife threw away everything for what amounted to a nine month crush.
Keep DBing and keep going! You and your kids are going to make it!
Save yourself. Nobody is coming! BD:11/2017 Filed:12/2017 Final: 2/2018
Thank you Joe. I appreciate your words of encouragement and support. A couple of hours have passed and I’m feeling much better. Reality really does hit hard sometimes when you are not expecting it. I knew I was going through cheeseless tunnels this morning but it sure is hard to stop sometimes.
Thank you for continuing to post on this site. Your story is inspiring to me. Not because your XW realized the folly of her ways and returned truly remorseful but because of how you made it through the hard times when she was gone. My goal is to get through this and still be a hopeful, loving person who is able to trust other people. I don’t want to be a jaded, cynical person however, I have realized that I do need to protect myself a bit more and pay attention to my inner voice when it tells me something isn’t right. There were MANY signs that my H’s character was lacking... even before we got married. But I just told myself that he had learned from his past mistakes and was a different person. I was clearly wrong about that and in my heart of hearts, I think I knew it. I knew that he hadn’t been on his own long enough to have grown and learned from his mistakes. I just didn’t want to believe it because I was so in love with him and I believed that love conquers all and we could grow together. At BD, I realized my H hasn’t grown at all...he has just gotten older.
Hi DV6. I look forward to your updates because I think we are at similar stages in our 'journey' and it gives me comfort to see I'm not the only feeling like this. Every few weeks I have days when I feel very nostalgic; it's not sadness as such. It doesn't last long and is more a feeling of 'is this really the end, have I done everything that I can, is there really no hope, is this a cruel joke, is it a test etc etc. Other days I feel defiant and on others I feel excited. Some days I even forget that I was married as recently as 6 months ago because I can't genuinely remember what that is like. And I have been married for 27 years!!
I too have spent a lot of time looking back and realised that there were indications of this current behaviour previously. I actually think that it's me that's changed, not him. I grew into my 'post children' life which impacted on him and he didn't like it. That created the environment but the choices that he made are 100% to do with his character and I now recall things, callous things against other people, that should have sent up warning flags. Sometimes I think it's a miracle we survived as long as we did.
So, I still have days when I would take him back, no questions asked. It would be an absolute disaster. I know that I am not currently happy. But I also know that I can't go backwards and be happy, so my only choice is to push forwards on my own and trust that direction is the only one where I may find happiness and inner peace. On some days though, it's not actual movement and I stand still, fighting hard to keep facing in the right direction.
I don't think you realise just what a strong and heroic person you are DV6. I so admire your resolve to remain loving and I know that you will succeed in that. I am going to follow you closely because I would like to be like you.
Yorkie... Your post made me tear up. I think you give me too much credit but I thank you. You are an inspiration to me as well. There are many women in your position, after 27 years of marriage, who would just curl up into a ball and “die”. But not you... you are a fighter and because of that, I have no doubt that happiness and inner peace are just around the corner for you.
Your description of your differing days really hit home for me. We are, indeed, at similar stages of our journey as I have had all of those kinds of days...and sometimes all of those feelings in the same day. The excited feeling is the most confusing one for me but also the most hopeful. I have it now as I am writing this. I am acutely aware of this small part of me that is starting to imagine an alternate life for myself. I am not sure it is better yet...but it is different. And it is whatever I want to make it. Maybe that is the “gift” in all of this...the chance to discover who we are all on our own.
It's so easy to look back and see all the stuff we overlooked and missed.
It's just as easy to beat ourselves up over them and think about all the WHAT IF's. If only I had paid her more attention. If only I bought her flowers more. If only we had sex more. If only I listened to what she was REALLY saying. If only if only if only. Or how about: I should have never gotten involved with her because I KNEW it was a bad idea because of XYZ.
Try not to beat yourself up, if you are. It's OK to feel all of the negativity. You actually HAVE to feel it to heal. But there were positive things too!!! There were genuine GOOD times that nobody can take from you. You have your KIDS!!!! You are going to be stronger from this. You learned A LOT! You are GROWING from your situation!
Your children will grow from it too. Love on them as much as you can. Look into their eyes and smile, because you love them and they love you. You are teaching them how to counter adversity with grace, strength, and honor.
You're doing great.
Save yourself. Nobody is coming! BD:11/2017 Filed:12/2017 Final: 2/2018
Thank you Joe. That “if only” tunnel is so hard not to go down but I am getting better at avoiding it. I know that I was not a perfect wife, far from it, but I was loyal, committed and honest and I loved my H without question. He was obviously none of those things. Even when we moved and he told me he tried to be happy, he still had one foot out the door as he had already decided that leaving was an option. And when you have one foot out the door for as long as he did, you don’t look for reasons to stay - you look for reasons to go. And you will always find what you are looking for. So I know that this separation was not my doing. My conscience is clear in that regard.
There were a lot of good times and I find that I am remembering them more and more. TJT and Burn were writing about inside jokes and little sayings, etc... that they had with their spouses and how they wouldn’t have that with anyone else. My H and I have a lot of those too. And we have them with our kids. Even now, with all of the awkwardness and tension between us, we still laugh when those things come up. And when our kids do or say something that brings up feelings (pride, joy, sadness), we still look at each other and know that we are thinking the same thing. When it comes to our kids, my H will never share that with someone else and neither will I. Other people may come to love our kids but it won’t be the same for them or for us and, in that respect, we will forever be a family. I think that is one of the reasons they say there is no such thing as divorce when you have kids.
Thanks again for your encouragement and for continuing to follow my thread. It means a lot. (((HUGS)))
My H was by to drop off the kids and wanted to talk. He’s gone ahead and started switching our finances around...basically having his payments transferred to his account, his pay cheque going into his new account, etc... I had noticed he stopped taking money and charging things in about the third week of December so I had a feeling. He is still doing what he has always done. Avoiding conflict and going behind my back to do things without giving me a heads up. Apparently he is out of money and is currently in debt. He told me that he hates “this” (emotionally charged situation) and that he likes me “as a friend”. I asked him if he is happy and he says he is. He seems settled...confident in his choices...the hard part, in his mind, is over and he just has to keep going. I told him I hope it is worth it. He got quiet and his eyes got a bit watery but clearly he must think that it is. Anyway, I got a bit teary when he left but I didn’t lose it like I might have done a month ago. So that’s progress I think. Thinking about the LBS stages, I think I am firmly at Stage 5 and quickly heading to Stage 6. I have no choice. My H is gone...he is resolute and so I have to be as well. To be anything different at this stage of the game would be foolish and I am not a fool.
So...kinda got off the DB track with all of this financial talk. Texted my H that I was trying really hard not to hate him right now. He texted back that he appreciated me “trying” and that he was sorry. So...of course that set me off a bit... texted him not to say sorry as that word has no meaning because it is the equivalent of stabbing someone to death and then saying “oops...didn’t mean to do that”. Also reminded him he has been working towards this for four years and that “this” is exactly what he wanted - “freedom and part-time parenting” and that it is a perfect situation for him. Also said that if he had been remotely honest with me when we first moved, we wouldn’t both be going into debt right now and that he single-handedly ensured that neither of us would be retiring early, there would be a distinct lack of vacations, no big retirement boat and we would not be able to help our kids pay for school as much as we thought so they, too, will have to go into debt...starting with his daughter. I also told him it is his responsibility to tell her as that is not my job anymore. To top it all off, I told him that he doesn’t like me as a friend because he treats his friends 100 times better than he has ever treated me so he can stop saying that too.
You know what? Even though it has probably set us back a bit in the friendly, co-parenting department, it felt really d*mn good to get it off my chest. Honestly... seeing him sitting there drinking his coffee this morning thinking that everything is A-OK just really got to me. Oh yeah... I also told him that I obviously have some unresolved anger toward him that I am working through but that I don’t have his talent for cutting ties with people I loved and walking away so it is going to take some time. Honestly...it’s what he did with his first wife. Bombed her, walked out and never looked back. She didn’t see it coming. Once he makes up his mind, that’s it. Men like him really should come with a warning label... “Danger. Lies effortlessly and will emotionally detach from you at the first sign of trouble, allow resentment to build and then, when he thinks he can get away with it, will abandon you without warning.” I know now that love definitely does not conquer all.
Okay... so this doesn’t sound like loving detachment. It definitely isn’t but ultimately I know that I will eventually get there. I think I just need to get this stuff out of my system first. Once our agreement is signed, I think it will get easier. Right now I am just really irritated by the unfairness of it all and having to go back into debt again. It was glorious to be debt-free for 18 months, that is for sure.
I forgot to add to the warning label that he has the emotional maturity of a middle school student.Maybe teaching teenagers was not the best career choice for him.
Don’t worry about this little blow up. Bet it felt good though.
You have to let off some steam once in a while.
I know he deserves it, and you know you need a different outlet.
It is rough, 18 months debt-free, and now having to go back... hmmm... you know things haven’t happened yet. Try not to borrow trouble, some of that prognosticating might not come to pass.
W and I achieved our perfect life, more money than we needed, job security, parents were looked after, kids doing great in school, others off to university, planning and looking forward to vacations and retirement. It lasted for two days, then kaboom. I thought a lot of dire things, very few happened, and those that did, really turn out to not be that dire.
So you think not the best step in loving detachment. Maybe I can reframe that a bit for you.
Seeing you, him, and your situation accurately is very important. That will root out denial, both in thought and heart, and even beliefs. And by the way, somethings get right deep inside you when you are broken open, right to your core. It can take some effort to see them and extract them. My W gifted me with some various poisons that I accepted in my broken state. It took a while to rid myself of that.
You are seeing your situation accurately, so of course you’re p!ssed. Good for you! You cannot detach your feelings until you recognize them. You also have to get through the anger to find the love again.
I want you to read that last bit again.
You are feeling your feelings. That’s good. Now recognize them, this is the intellectual part. See your feelings for what they are. Why they are. This uncouples the feelings from H. It is fine to feel angry, understand why.
Detachment is understanding you cause your feelings, not H, not some place, not some song, not some memory. You take back control of your feeling self.
Keep your mental assertiveness sharp, and stay accurate. You are making good progress, look how quick you recovered.
Don’t dwell or fret over tonight, it is in the past, let it go. No one thing will make or break this, it really won’t. Learn from it, and keep moving forward. Beside, you did said some stuff he really needed to hear. However, it is probably best to hold off on more of that, for a while.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
