DnJ... thanks for the extra thoughts on detaching with love. Definitely something I will strive to do in 2019.
2018 has to be the most up and down year of my life so I am not sad that it is over. The first part of the year was so hopeful and fun. A trip to Mexico, a 50th birthday cruise... so glad I got to experience those events. The last four months...more painful and life-altering than anything I have gone through in my entire life. Betrayal and abandonment by the person with whom I had pledged to spend my life. There are barely words to describe that kind of loss.
My kids and I are having a movie night. A Star Wars movie of course. The Last Jedi. My old H would have been all over this and cuddled up with me and the kids on the couch. I miss that H a lot. And I am sad for this new version. That he thinks missing out on 50% of time with our kids is preferable to saving our marriage. He and I will forever disagree on that point.
Been thinking about how relationships deteriorate over time. In the beginning, both my H and I worked really hard to love each other only it didn’t seem like work because we were so driven by all of those wonderful “new relationship chemicals”. We kinda just took it for granted that it would always be that easy. And then our kids were born and they became our focus and real life stressors increased exponentially. We relied on the fact that we were married and stopped working on us and it seemed like everything else became more important. If there is one thing I regret in all of this, it is that. We should have gone on dates and spent more time together.
But...no point in dwelling on the “if onlys” and “what ifs”. It is what it is. 2019 is going to be a much better year for me and my kids. We will move forward together and I will treasure the time I have with them and work on my PMA.
Still reading DV. Not much else I feel I can add right now, except I would have been giddy over that text response you got from your H... it seems like it was a good response despite the slight backslide, AND also that you handled that well without thinking much of it.
Happy New Year (((DejaVu6)))
H:39 W:30 M:4 T:9
05/2018: H says "ILYBNILWY", BD 07/2018: Discovered A, confronted 09/2018: PA + other details emerge; H moved out 12/2018: I filed 03/2019: Divorce finalized
Thanks TJT. It was nice to know he was thinking about the same thing I was thinking about. Not going to read anything it. He was by himself last night so it makes sense he would have been thinking about previous New Year’s. I hope he remembers it fondly.
A bit of a tough time with my S11 tonight. He got really sad when I told him he was going to his dad’s for a couple of days. Started crying and said he really misses me and he doesn’t like having to miss me or his dad. He’s still holding out hope his dad will come back home. I did my best to reassure him. Told him I am okay and that it is okay to miss me because it tells me that he really loves me and I really love him. Reminded him that he can call me or text me on his IPad. I also told him that I don’t want him to feel bad around me and his dad. Told him that I love his dad and that I want his dad to be happy and he feels like he is happier living on his own without me and that is okay. I validated his feelings of powerlessness and said that sometimes things just happen that we can’t really change but that how we deal with it is what counts.
Anyway...overall it was a good talk, I think. He has always been mommy’s boy. During the movie tonight he sat right next to me and held my hand. I told him I was not looking forward to the day when he doesn’t want to hold my hand anymore or get hugs from me. He’s quite sure that is never going to happen...lol. Gosh I love my kids. When I look at them, how can I have any regrets?
DV - Your NYE sounds awesome and I am so glad that you decided to go through with it. We are building new memories and overcoming fears (mine was that no-one would turn up ... ah that old rejection nugget) one day at a time.
I think your handling of your talk with S11 is a perfectly example of a great parent. You have fought through your own anger and feelings of abandonment so that your children do not feel abandoned. Trust me I know how hard it is to not turn around and scream "How can you not see how selfish he is being. He left us".
I am going to circle back to the loving detachment conversation. For me it is simple, though really really hard to do.
Loving detachment is truly and deeply wishing our spouses well on their journey AND despite the immense pain that we feel/felt, looking fondly back at the time with them and having no regrets.
S11 was teary again this morning when H was here to pick them up. He is keeping them until Friday. He was in his sister’s room and I could tell he was upset so I asked him if he was okay. H must have heard because he came to the door. S11 just said he was going to miss me and sat on my lap and looked anxiously at his dad. I just hugged him and told him I would call him tonight if that helps. He said it would and then he got up and got a hug from my H. Normally I would be feeling pretty angry at my H for this but this morning I just felt resigned and sad and focused on my kids.
H was pretty friendly this morning as was I. He told me he had met a neighbour who would help him move his truck. I asked him if he was planning on moving it to his current residence (not enough room IMO) and he shrugged and looked a bit pained about it and said he didn’t think so. I told him not to worry about it until he buys his house. I told him he didn’t need to be in such a rush and to just get his sh*t together first. He agreed and looked a bit relieved.
Honestly...I think it is going to be very tough for him to find a place with the space he wants in his price range but it is not my problem anymore. He really does not realize how tough this is going to be on him for the next few years. I am sure there will come a point when he looks at what he had and thinks that maybe trying to make it work with me would have been much easier than leaving me has been. But that is much further down the road and I’m pretty sure that at that point he will feel like he is too far down this new path to ever consider trying again. I have accepted this. I know that ultimately, the road ahead for me will get easier whereas his will get harder. I also move forward knowing that I did the best I could. He moves forward knowing that this was his choice and he will always be the guy that left his family for some pretty lame reasons. He really does undervalue the love and support he has had all these years. He only sees what was lacking but thinks that it was what was lacking was about me and not about him. I think he will regret his shortsightedness one day but that is not for me to worry about. I have one goal...detachment and creating a good life for me and my kids.
Day two of 2019 and I’m feeling okay. My lawyer appointment is next week and I am looking forward to moving this process along but also dreading it. An official separation agreement seems like a big step that makes it really, really difficult to come back from. I know that even if my H has doubts, he will push through regardless. He texted me early on in this sitch that he felt like he had dug himself a giant hole that he could not get out of. He considered trying to climb out of it but I think it just looked like too hard of a climb so he decided to just keep digging. That hole is really, really deep now.
Anyway... time to get my butt off the couch and get some work done. Still have lots of cans to clean up downstairs and some laundry to do. Much love to you all and hope that 2019 brings some unexpected, pleasant surprises for all of you... recons, new loves, new jobs, new hobbies, new friends and a new and much, much better lives. (((HUGS)))
My kids are with their dad and my S11 texted me to say that he misses me. Made me sad and now I’m having an angry moment. I am missing them like crazy right now. This whole thing is just so unfair. That all off us have to suffer because my H is a broken person. Does he really think this is going to fix what ails him? Hmmm... I don’t feel good so what to do about it? I know... I will tear apart everything my W and I have built and even though she has been my BEST friend for 13 years, I will just get rid of her and start over. That ought to fix it. What a crock of sh*t! Again... you can’t divorce yourself.
Okay...that was my rant of the day. Going back to watching hockey now.
That's rough to hear from your S. Kids can be more resilient than we give them credit for. Just love on them as much as possible when you can. This is not a competition. Your kids will always figure out the truth.
Hugs!
Save yourself. Nobody is coming! BD:11/2017 Filed:12/2017 Final: 2/2018
Really sad this morning. Kids are at their dad’s and the house just seems big and empty and lonely. When we moved here, I thought we were finally going to have that life that I thought we both wanted. I was so happy. My IPhone just sent me a reminder of what I was doing a year ago...pictures of Mexico with my family. That did not help my mood, that’s for sure. I am just really missing my life today. I am missing my kids. And I am missing the person I used to be married to who loved me as much as I loved him. Haven’t felt this sad in awhile. It’s kind of hit me out of the blue.
I did my best to reassure him. Told him I am okay and that it is okay to miss me because it tells me that he really loves me and I really love him. Reminded him that he can call me or text me on his IPad. I also told him that I don’t want him to feel bad around me and his dad. Told him that I love his dad and that I want his dad to be happy and he feels like he is happier living on his own without me and that is okay. I validated his feelings of powerlessness and said that sometimes things just happen that we can’t really change but that how we deal with it is what counts. 