Whirlwind of Hurt 6

[SoTorn]

TwoFeet,

What have you been up to outside of your sitch?

Ovr,

I lift 3 days a week and I was running 3 days. Its colder than I like for running so I will swap that out for night skiing. Probably can't do it 3 days a week, but 1 to 2 days. Once the kids are back in school I was thinking about checking a hot yoga place out in town. I was lean bulking, but my emotional state isn't as good as it should be and I have been losing weight again. I could do a regular bulk, but eating like that is always a hassle.

Going to build a website and biz cards next week for my side business. I dont like SM, but some of my industry buddies say I need an IG to tie in with my website. I guess it's a really good way to get connections in my field. I will just keep it as impersonal as possible.

I have been spending a lot of time with my family. They are a good group for support and during my MR my wife would try to isolate or limit the time we spent with them. Usually unsuccessfully because I wouldn't put up with that. I am going to a NYE party at my sis and her fiancee's house. My social circle is pretty wide but not very deep. I know quite a few people very casually, but I only have 2 deep friendships here in my home state. I left a very robust social circle back in the state I used to live in. My social circle is an area that needs improvement.

I was supposed to do some bird hunting with FIL, but I was just too caught up with everything. We will probably just start back up fishing in the spring as long as our R doesn't go by the wayside.

It definitely takes effort to do these things as I feel like I am fighting the blues.

How do you lean bulk? I am to the point where I need to gain lean muscle so that this stupid little gut i have gets burned away.

[Twofeet]

ST,

Go to YT and look up Athlean-X. He has a vid on the science behind it.

[Ready2Change]

Is wordpress a good one to use as a website?

I compared multiple web design packages. I believe it is the most popular. Many free themes. Many choices for shopping carts etc...Great tutorials on youtube. I am using cloudfare for the free ssl. I did a couple test runs and have not looked back.

[Twofeet]

Does the WW ever feel remorse for breaking up the family? Is it the usual the kids will be alright spiel to justify to themselves and their actions? I ask because we now have had to put D5 into therapy with D8. W says she is concerned, but her actions lend me to believe otherwise. It's funny because the old W would do anything for the kids. They were her be all. The WW still loves them, but they have taken a much much lower priority in her life. They are young and unless something happens with W and I down the road they will never get live the whole family life that W and I enjoyed growing up. You want better for your children. This is not it.

[LH19]

TF,

Think about these two lesser the evil situations and let me know your answer.

Situation #1. Your W puts your children first before her PERCEIVED happiness and ends her A and calls off the divorced. You stay married for the sake of the kids but she never becomes fully committed to you again because she believes there is something better out there. You spend the next 15 years wondering if she files again after your youngest is out of the house.

Situation #2. She continues with D and continues relationship with OM. You take time to heal and continue to better yourself. After the dust settles and your emotions start to stabilize you start to realize that your ex had many flaws that you didn't see. Once healed maybe you start another relationship with a woman who is way better then your ex in all aspects of life. She likes to work through problems not run from them. Maybe your ex comes to her senses and wants to reconcile and will do anything to EARN another chance with you.

I don't know about you but I would take option 2 everyday and twice on Sundays. Yes it's a risk that she doesn't come back , but she has to choose to be with you for it to work out long-term.

[Twofeet]

Thanks LH. You know what option I would take. I just had to do some venting to let off steam and let out hurt. This forum is very therapeutic. I don't have many I can talk to IRL and I feel my family already knows too much from their own sleuthing. I appreciate the voice of reason you provide.

[SoTorn]

My WW shows no remorse. She is infatuated with OM and her perceived happiness. She doesnt care about anyone else's happiness.

[neffer]

Never underestimate the selfish component of waywardness. I was on that dark side time ago...

[Again18]

TF- The OM is a distraction to your WW and as long as she sees him as a viable option she will continue to justify her actions and she has to demonize you in order to justify her selfish actions. She's justifying to herself that she has the better option in the OM. The thing to remember is that she hasn't dropped you in her mind she is thinking about you probably more than the OM. She tries to bait you into arguments, make you mad, lose your temper, or even a powerful one get you to make controlling acts and snooping would be one of those trying to keep control. You may not see your actions as controlling but she will take just about any action as controlling and she will use that in her mind to justify her actions. She's a different person because she has to be in order to justify why her actions are okay. The only way to counter that is detachment. She will bait you so when she calls and says we have to make a decision on this you need to decide if it's a fight you are willing to fight. The kids are paying a price for her selfish actions. But less contact with her can only mean less conflict. She calls don't answer at first. If she texts you don't be afraid to text back busy I'll get in touch with you later. And then when you do. She will probably bring something up that really in the grand scheme of things is not at all important and you need to treat it as such. Simple okay to pissy demands doesn't mean you have to follow through just say ok, and then is that all because I have to get ready for something. No details and please don't ask her what she's been up to or doing? Don't snoop let her be free, because freedom will make her wonder if you care and the little signs you will notice will be calls and text of hey how you doing? What of you been up to? Things like that. When that happens don't respond with details come back here and ask for advice because those are signs but you wont' want to rush when you see them. It's a whole different dating game and you will need advice from people on here who have been through it before yo mess it up because it's a fragile time. But you really right now need to let go. It's the only chance of possibly getting your old wife back.

[Twofeet]

Again,

Unless I slip up out of old habits I do not answer any of my W phone calls and I only return phone calls if she leaves a voicemail or text message requesting a callback. This boundary has prevented a lot of phone calls where she calls and blows up. The couple of times when I did slip up and answer immediately she called to flip out on me, to which I have mentioned these infrequent incidents in previous posts. I also rarely immediately respond to any of her texts unless its important and it usually isn't. Phone calls and texts both have a cooling off period so I can stay off the rollercoaster. My IC says I need to think of her as someone who is mentally and emotionally a teenager. She definitely has had lapse where I wonder if she can mentally function. She couldn't even do basic math and tried to pay me almost double what she owed me.

I do not ask her what she is doing or how she has been, and I never volunteer anything other than a I am doing fine thank you. If we have a face to face handoff or a child centered activity (bday, Christmas, etc.) she will feed me little incites of her life. I just smile and remain cordial, I listen, and I don't linger or inquire on anything. One handoff earlier this month she asked me if I wanted to stay and eat. That felt like a big temp check and I had plans. It just seems like recently most of the texts and calls are initiated by her. In fact she just reached out to me tonight via text to see if I want to continue to share the accounts of Netflix and Hulu. I will probably do this and split costs, but it's late so I will sit on it and respond tomorrow.

I feel like she knows the children are my weak spot and I think she has been softly trying to exploit that. Such as when she wanted the childplan pulled from the mediated decree (she wants to coparent without boundaries), her feigned interest in the kids therapy. Even threatening to stop paying her portion of the kids private school despite her making more money than me, and a Christian education always being a high priority for her in the past. I just don't get the motivation or the why's behind some of her actions with the kids.

I have mentioned it before, I am really coming to terms with the concept of the saying it's a marathon not a sprint. Problem is I am training for the marathon while running it and it sure can be exhausting at times. Detachment will help with that marathon, but man this whole thing has been one tough pill to swallow. A bit intimidating.