Wife said she is wanting to separate but hasnt made any moves we still sleep in same bed have sex etc . Tips on how to practice no contact while under same roof would be appreciated. She doesnt want to talk about relationship but sends mixed signals as to perhaps us reconciling.
H36 W37 SD14 SS16 M 2 YEARS BD 12/25/2018 Still living together, sleeping together, etc
Make her leave the MBR. The best thing to do is GAL. Get out of the house. Stop talking to her. Stop everything you usually do and do a 180. Read everything on this site. Also, explain your situation. What happened?
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
The system says that you have 23 postings. Where you posting under another name? If so, please advise me so that I can link up your previous postings. If not, then let me know and I'll post Cadet's Welcome posting.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Yes we were sleeping together having sex regulalry. Some heated R talk the past couple of days spun out of control and now she is sleeping in D14 room. Any advice on how to get her back in the bedroom? Married 2 years I'm 36 shes 37 two children thy are hers from a previous marriage.
H36 W37 SD14 SS16 M 2 YEARS BD 12/25/2018 Still living together, sleeping together, etc
She says she cant trust me to respect her space. Shes seeing an IC who has convinced her shes an emotional abuse victim. We have days where we get along well but R talk just destroys it. She says there is a sliver of hope and in the next sentence says there isn't. She says she contemplating moving out even though we are on a lease.
H36 W37 SD14 SS16 M 2 YEARS BD 12/25/2018 Still living together, sleeping together, etc
Should I employ no contact and GAL hardcore? Shes says we will revisit the bedroom arrangement on Sunday and if I'm able to respect her space. This terribly hard living under same roof knowing my wife wont sleep in same bed with me.
H36 W37 SD14 SS16 M 2 YEARS BD 12/25/2018 Still living together, sleeping together, etc
Because we're in a rocky place and she won't give concrete answers as to of she wants to divorce or not. Shea had me in this limbo for over 4 months now. I really want to save my marriage but am feeling extremely weathered lately.
H36 W37 SD14 SS16 M 2 YEARS BD 12/25/2018 Still living together, sleeping together, etc
Do you think its too late since she moved out of our bedroom? Can I still salvage this? It's so embarrassing to even be at home right now for me. I'm sure the kids are telling members of thier family as well as her ex husband. Just feeling like a huge failure today. Thank God for the support on here.
Last edited by ScottG31; 01/02/1908:21 PM.
H36 W37 SD14 SS16 M 2 YEARS BD 12/25/2018 Still living together, sleeping together, etc
Feeling a like a prisoner in my house. Kids arent mine of course they side with thier mother. All I have is a dog for support. Shes in the other room and I'm so tempted to demand an ultimatum but R talk just makes it worse. Tonight will be the first night I've slept alone in 7 years. Little things like that are just tearing me up inside.
H36 W37 SD14 SS16 M 2 YEARS BD 12/25/2018 Still living together, sleeping together, etc
We have days where we get along well but R talk just destroys it.
It is your choice to have R talks. Is having R talks working?
This is why it is important to 180 and avoid R talks like the plague.
Here is the general statement: "The pot on the stove is hot. If you touch the pot, it will burn you. Do not touch the pot"
Here is the specific: "Relationship talks will push her away. If you have R talks, you will make things worse. Do not have R talks. Avoid R talks like the plague"
Hindsight helps us identify the "hot pots" that you can not see.
Pursuit from you is a "hot pot".
If you truly love her, then you will give her what she is asking for. SPACE away from you.
How is her relationship with the children's father?
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
maybe you could slow down and type things out a little more clearly. It's a bit hard to follow.
Originally Posted by ScottG31
Because we're in a rocky place and she won't give concrete answers as to of she wants to divorce or not. Shea had me in this limbo for over 4 months now. I really want to save my marriage but am feeling extremely weathered lately.
Quit asking for concrete answers. She doesn't know or doesn't want to tell you. You're beating a dead horse.
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Do you think its too late since she moved out of our bedroom? Can I still salvage this? It's so embarrassing to even be at home right now for me. I'm sure the kids are telling members of thier family as well as her ex husband. Just feeling like a huge failure today. Thank God for the support on here.
It's not too late, you can salvage it. Read other people's threads here and learn.
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I just found out she blocked me on all social media. Should I just go dark and delete it all?
You should stay off social media, it's a time waster and headache inducer. Nothing is as it seems.
You will not die if you sleep alone. You did it before you met this woman, right? You are very emotional right now. Emotions and logic conflict often, so just realize what emotional state you are in and try to deal with it the best way you can. At the 4 month mark, I started to turn a little in terms of my detachment from my wife. If you read a lot here, do the work, and keep a PMA you can start to feel better too.
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Now shes agreed to sleep back in MB with stipulation that I have to let her come to me emotionally, intimately, etc.
Did you initiate a conversation with her?
Please give us some backstory, tell us about your situation, ages, how long you've been married and together, kids, life changes or important events. Give us the low down on your relationship.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Now shes agreed to sleep back in MB with stipulation that I have to let her come to me emotionally, intimately, etc.
Do you understand what this means? Most men do not.
I'm gonna answer this....
FRIEND ZONE!!!! Hell naw!
It's a deep psychological game played by women who want to feel wanted but the man will not get want he wants out of it and is too scared to make a stand bc he fears losing her. But he never had her.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Married for 2 plus years. W37 H38 two step kids D14, S16. I've been in limbo for like the past 5 months. It's like she wont talk about it. I really dont have evidence to think she is cheating. She cites my inability make her emotionally safe.
H36 W37 SD14 SS16 M 2 YEARS BD 12/25/2018 Still living together, sleeping together, etc
We have sex all the time so it doesn't feel like friend zone.
This is not the correct gauge.
Just because the gas gauge is reading full does not mean that the oil is not low. Your engine will seize up if you keep driving without enough oil.
I had sex with my WW daily for the last month or so before she jumped into her PA. It was like a switch, one day boom, no more sex.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
That [censored] Tom. Well I don't have any proof of an A yet but who knows what I will learn as time progresses. She decided to stay in our bed but refuses any type of intimacy tonight. I'm fine with that though because I have zero expectations.
H36 W37 SD14 SS16 M 2 YEARS BD 12/25/2018 Still living together, sleeping together, etc
Just not sure if I should be DBing or working on getting her emotional trust
There are many things you need to do in parallel. This is one of them.
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Find the words to describe what you are feeling. Is he receptive? Is he open to your experience even if he doesn’t agree with it? Does he make you feel better when you are upset or does he judge you and make you feel worse about your emotional self?
How would your W answer these questions? Do you want her to answer them differently?
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
That makes sense Ready. I've been doing this all wrong. On a bright note we held each other in embrace as we slept last night and she kissed me and told she me loved me when she left for work this morning. I did not reply to that. I think I'm going to join a gym today. I'm not in terrible shape but ive got to get out of this house.
H36 W37 SD14 SS16 M 2 YEARS BD 12/25/2018 Still living together, sleeping together, etc
Pump your brakes and don't get too excited. It seems like a good thing on the surface, but don't get fooled into seeing things that aren't there. Eyes wide open.
I mean, for sure be pleasant, respectful, and all of that. Just don't think anything is FIXED right now. You still have a lot of work to do.
You should absolutely start working out. Highly recommended.
Save yourself. Nobody is coming! BD:11/2017 Filed:12/2017 Final: 2/2018
Hi Scott. It would really help give us a better overview of your MR, if you would give us a little history about it.
If you have abandonment issues, that may cause you to want to cling to her tighter. Fear can cause us to do things we would not ordinarily do. Maybe it is causing you to pursue her more. Sometimes, men are surprised to learn how certain things are considered pursuing.
Detaching is probably one the toughest methods to fully understand, and how to practice it correctly. Just the word, "detach", doesn't sound like something you want to do when you fear your spouse may be thinking of leaving. Detaching is not acting as if you are mad, cold, or pouting. I will try to copy and paste a short description of detaching that I really like.
I think it would be difficult to go NC while living under the same roof, and sharing children. Until you can tell us more that describes your W.....and describes you, too.....I don't recommend NC. That doesn't mean you should pursue her with phone calls, texts, etc. If she contacts you, then respond to her. Do this until we can determine what is going on with her.
It sounds as if she may feel a bit smothered in the MR. If this is a problem, then you will need to ease up on your neediness and clinging to her. I realize you want reassurance from her, but she has asked for space.......which means, she can't breathe b/c it feels as if your presence is suking all the air from her. Even if you aren't in the same room with her, if you are contacting her by phone......it has a lot of the same affect on her. This feels like emotional pressure to her.
Scott, it is very important that you don't apply emotional pressure to her. Whenever you pursue her, it is placing more emotional pressure on her.....and hurting your chances to a greater degree. I'm going to take a wild guess that you are pursuing her in the bedroom. If this is the case, then please wait and let her initiate any romantic moves. I may be completely off base, but I sense that you connect physical affection/making love and having her sleeping in the bed with you as the main indicator everything is well in the MR. If so, then I tend to agree.......in most circumstances. However, if the H is always pursuing or initiating.......things may not be as well as he thought. Nothing could be truer than when a spouse asks for space and time.
Anyway, I hope you can share more with us.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Definitely struggling with abandonment issues. I dont feel everything is right in the MR however I do feel that us sleeping together nightly and having sex is a good indicator. I refuse to initiate sex for now. Neediness and cliniginess are my main enemies it feels. We don't share children she has two from previous marriage. Should I work on building more concrete relationships with the kids? Her main compliant is my neediness. I realize I pursue far too much and have difficulty fighting the urge to just let go. Everything between us used to be so natural. I feel her IC is a major contributor to the limbo we are in and I'm sure her family is encouraging her to dump me even though they all live 400 miles away.
Last edited by ScottG31; 01/03/1905:09 PM.
H36 W37 SD14 SS16 M 2 YEARS BD 12/25/2018 Still living together, sleeping together, etc
If this is the case, then please wait and let her initiate any romantic moves. I may be completely off base, but I sense that you connect physical affection/making love and having her sleeping in the bed with you as the main indicator everything is well in the MR. If so, then I tend to agree.......in most circumstances. However, if the H is always pursuing or initiating.......things may not be as well as he thought.
It is important not to chase the cat. If you chase a cat, it will run away. You wait for the cat to come to you. Be catnip.
I dont feel everything is right in the MR however I do feel that us sleeping together nightly and having sex is a good indicator.
I wanted to ask previously, and didn't, so I'll ask now. Do you normally try to initiate sex every night, or most every night?
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We don't share children she has two from previous marriage. Should I work on building more concrete relationships with the kids?
The first thing I wonder is why weren't you already working on having a great relationship with them? Has your relationship with her kids been an issue in this MR? These are the type of things we need you to tell us. For instance, is there a problem with you and the kids' father, or did they resent you M their mom? See what I mean? They are teenagers, so if you suddenly start trying to get buddy-buddy with them in an effort to win them over just to get the W back, they may see your real intentions behind it........and so may your W. You also made the following remark, that hints of problems with most everyone on the other side.
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I'm sure the kids are telling members of thier family as well as her ex husband.
Yep! Kind of recognize the language.
quote]I'm sure her family is encouraging her to dump me even though they all live 400 miles away. [/quote]
Obviously, you believe they must have some influence on her decisions. Were they in favor of her M to you? She M you, whatever they thought. Have you had problems with the kids' father? Do they spend 50% of their time with their dad?
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It's so embarrassing to even be at home right now for me.
Why Scott? Are you unemployed, or have no other place to stay? You said you felt like a prisoner. What did you mean?
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Her main compliant is my neediness. I realize I pursue far too much and have difficulty fighting the urge to just let go.
Then that sounds like the place you need to start. What were you like before you M her? What drew her to you? How long had she been D from her H before you M her? What do you mean by "fighting the urge to just let go"?
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Needy is probably right. I'm trying to kick that bad habit
It doesn't sound like a habit. It sounds like a condition or a psychological issue. I'm not suggesting it is your fault, but you do need to address the source with an IC, and figure out how to change. Most healthy women are not attracted to a "needy" man. They are attracted to men who are self confident. She wants a man who is emotionally stronger than she is. Maybe you know why you are this way, and if so then you need to be proactive in changing the behavior. A needy, clingy man appears like a weak man......and it signals the natural instincts of that woman that she won't be safe with him, b/c he's too weak. I don't mean you would hurt her, but she would always feel that she must be the one who has to be the stronger spouse. It is a woman's biological nature to want a mate who is emotionally strong, b/c the female is emotionally the weaker of the sexes............or, at least she used to be. (I like to think it's b/c women are much more complex than men. ).
I hope you'll stick with us, Scott. Don't give up on the M, and don't give up on Scott.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
As far as initiating sex its 60/40 s. I'm not unemployed I have a meaningful career They spend limited time with father. Prisoner meaning why is it so damn hard to just get up and GAL? I do see an IC we discuss abaonsoment issues, martial issues,etc. Yeah the kids father talks really bad about me but I dont entertain it. She hates her ex she was divorced 5 years before marrying me . When I mentioned letting go I mean seeing it for what it is. This is not the same woman just like I'm not the same man.
H36 W37 SD14 SS16 M 2 YEARS BD 12/25/2018 Still living together, sleeping together, etc
I've been dbing like crazy. No arguments or R talk for a week. We're having sex daily and she suggested a getaway trip 2 months from now. She at times says I trigger her emotions so I just redirect and avoid R talk
H36 W37 SD14 SS16 M 2 YEARS BD 12/25/2018 Still living together, sleeping together, etc
I've been dbing like crazy. No arguments or R talk for a week. We're having sex daily and she suggested a getaway trip 2 months from now. She at times says I trigger her emotions so I just redirect and avoid R talk
H36 W37 SD14 SS16 M 2 YEARS BD 12/25/2018 Still living together, sleeping together, etc
Well if she says you trigger her emotions, that is a golden opportunity to connect with her by validating her feelings.
W: "When you said let's clean up it reminded me of the old, controlling Scott" Scott: "I get that." OR "I can see how that would make you feel that way"
Glad to hear you're getting laid! Make sure to take care of her emotionally and in the bedroom.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
I feel so damn stupid. I got sucked into R talk and ended up crying pleading. I'm so disgusted with myself. At the end of conversation she said she wants to go on a date with me this weekend, but I know it's not authentic. This DB stuff is so hard. I could easily go pick up other women if I wanted to but its against my moral compass as a married man. Resentment and anger are taking over me right now.
Last edited by ScottG31; 01/10/1904:23 AM.
H36 W37 SD14 SS16 M 2 YEARS BD 12/25/2018 Still living together, sleeping together, etc
Thanks Joe. I'm starting to get to the point though where the sex is leaving me feeling used. Weird for a guy to say right? When I decline I can tell she gets frustrated. Should I continue having relations with her or keep it in my pants?
H36 W37 SD14 SS16 M 2 YEARS BD 12/25/2018 Still living together, sleeping together, etc
Just b/c she's not the person you thought she was doesn't mean it's time to be rude, you're better than that. Keep your chin up and don't stoop to poor behavior for any reason.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
I feel so damn stupid. I got sucked into R talk and ended up crying pleading. I'm so disgusted with myself.
That's OK, we all did it early on. The lesson to take from it is never start an R talk, and if she starts one then don't say anything, just listen and validate.
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At the end of conversation she said she wants to go on a date with me this weekend, but I know it's not authentic.
No it's just so she can check it off her list of "things I tried to save the M but proved it was already over." As Joe said, go in with zero expectations. NO R TALKS. Just make small talk.
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I could easily go pick up other women if I wanted to but its against my moral compass as a married man.
Seems really weird you would even say something like this.
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When I decline I can tell she gets frustrated. Should I continue having relations with her or keep it in my pants?
I would keep doing it, but try and drop your expectations that it means recon is imminent.
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Also, can I get some advice on text etiquette. If shes texting me daily wishing me a good day how do I respond to that?
DB'ing says not to initiate texting or convos, but it's fine to reply if she initiates. Just try not to get into long exchanges. Keep it brief like ovrrnbw suggested.
I will never understand why DB says to keep having sex. I have never ever seen this work or be beneficial. Only leaving people feeling like cr@p
Michele doesn't specifically say to keep having it, she says it's up to the LBS. She says if you think you can do it without it affecting you negatively to keep doing it. If I remember right, her thinking is that it is a way to maintain some level of intimacy in the marriage even in the face of all of the negative stuff going on. You do have a point though, it's tough to do without getting your feelings all mixed up in it.
Yeah it is. This stuff is so difficult. Wife sent me provocative pics this morning and then proceeds to tell me later in the day that I'm smothering her. Last straw, I'm done being needy making advances. That women are cats theory is so true. Yet it's so hard to resist temptation to want to say my piece. Any advice on coping skills I can use to have no expectations?
H36 W37 SD14 SS16 M 2 YEARS BD 12/25/2018 Still living together, sleeping together, etc
It's like all I yearn for is recon. At times she acts as though its possible and then I pursue too hard which lands me back at square one erasing all progress. . Finding that perfect balance is challenging but I'm going to stop pursuing as difficult as it may be.
Last edited by ScottG31; 01/10/1907:10 PM.
H36 W37 SD14 SS16 M 2 YEARS BD 12/25/2018 Still living together, sleeping together, etc
Thanks Joe. I'm starting to get to the point though where the sex is leaving me feeling used. Weird for a guy to say right? When I decline I can tell she gets frustrated. Should I continue having relations with her or keep it in my pants?
As long as she is not having sex with someone else, then have sex with her whenever you want. If you are feeling used in the bedroom, then you as the man need to take the lead.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I believe two people can have sex without emotional attachment. But not a husband and wife. And I have only seen expectations come from sex. And those expectations are pretty much never met. It's a mind F for sure.
It really is Ginger. I can admit this annomonusly on an internet board and with my IC. But the one time I shared that with her she said that "we should stop having sex since I'm confused" I dont want to stop having sex with her but i also cant keep having my emotions played with...
H36 W37 SD14 SS16 M 2 YEARS BD 12/25/2018 Still living together, sleeping together, etc
ScottG, I agree with all anyone is saying. However, in my sitch, I gave in and there was a 2 week period where she initiated multiple times. At all hours of the day and night. It was like she was a sex machine. I could barely keep up.
I tried to remember to attach no expectations to this very unusual behavior of hers. (Remember, my W committed an online EA so this was safe.) However, in a strange way, I do think it rekindled an interest in her reconnecting and recommitting back to the marriage. This occurred about two weeks after her last rebellion against the marriage. And it seemed to be a launching point for her to commit back fully to the marriage. Suddenly she was participating in MC, doing the homework, took an interest in working around the house. She also was open to my sexual advances even after she stopped initiating. And started planning for the future for us again (including resuming a house search that she had given up on shortly before going wayward). Was the sex the catalyst? Or just a symptom of her recommitting to the marriage? I don't know for sure, but I think it definitely helped.
Now please take all of that with a HUGE grain of salt. This is extremely atypical. If you do engage in sex with her remember: NO EXPECTATIONS!! Attach no significance to it. In fact, she very well could be using your body in order to full her fantasy (IE she is making love to you physically but an OM mentally and emotionally).
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Steve, that's similar to my sitch. However we both go to IC and and it's like clock work after her session with IC. she turns cold. She is reading a lot of books about codependency and will.label me a narcissist,controlling etc. Last night she told me she "wants free of me"but is sending me nude pics the next morning. I texted her showing appreciation and asked for some more and suddenly she goes off bringing up all of my shortcomings and that I expect a certain type of response from her and if I dont get I'm controlling. Limbo [censored] man. On the bright side I've been dropping weight like crazy and look great. I do have a problem with pursuing too much though and need to shed these insecurities I have.
Last edited by ScottG31; 01/10/1908:34 PM.
H36 W37 SD14 SS16 M 2 YEARS BD 12/25/2018 Still living together, sleeping together, etc
Well after a bad argument in July she just started being distant. On xmas she told me she wants to divorce and doesn't love me like a husband. However, last week she said shes only thinking about separation now and isn't ready to file divorce anytime soon.
Last edited by ScottG31; 01/10/1910:07 PM.
H36 W37 SD14 SS16 M 2 YEARS BD 12/25/2018 Still living together, sleeping together, etc
Ok so, our lease is up in August and I feel like I have that much time to gain her trust and love back. I still haven't found any signs of an affair but I'm keeping my eyes open. She shows a lot of WW symptoms keeping score of my faults, etc. The next 7-8 months are going to be crucial for me. The second I identify an affair though I'm done. I cant have that on my concious. I will keep posting and searching for ivaluable support that's offered on this site.
H36 W37 SD14 SS16 M 2 YEARS BD 12/25/2018 Still living together, sleeping together, etc
Why is she still holding me every night and being intimate with me? I try to own zero expectations but its hard to that when you love someone and they're playing with your head. This M stuff is crazy. It's like an emotional roller coaster ride that won't end. I tried to share this with her in the past and all she says is "she needs time to heal and work on herself". I'm not sure how much longer I can play this game before I ask her to leave and move on with my life. Everyone has a desire to feel wanted and loved and I havent felt that in a long time.
Last edited by ScottG31; 01/13/1902:40 AM.
H36 W37 SD14 SS16 M 2 YEARS BD 12/25/2018 Still living together, sleeping together, etc
Why is she still holding me every night and being intimate with me? I try to own zero expectations but its hard to that when you love someone and they're playing with your head. This M stuff is crazy. It's like an emotional roller coaster ride that won't end. I tried to share this with her in the past and all she says is "she needs time to heal and work on herself". I'm not sure how much longer I can play this game before I ask her to leave and move on with my life. Everyone has a desire to feel wanted and loved and I havent felt that in a long time.
Why is she doing it? Below I will post everything we have learned over the years on why WAS's do what they do:
Seriously though, the short answer is she is cake-eating. She likes the comfort and security of the M but she also wants to be "free" to pursue a different life if and when she so chooses.
It's difficult to give you simple answers to all your questions about the sex activity. We know nothing about the marital history, why your W is seeing a counselor, why she wants a S/D......or much of anything other than you two seem sexually active. You said you are seeing an IC for abandonment issues, and about the MR. What does the IC recommend for the MR?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
She sees counselor for PTSD from childhood as well emotional abuse from me over the years. I can subscribe to some of my W claims that I've been emotionally abusive. However, she uses all these terms to describe me now;narcissist, co-dependent, etc. My IC continues to encourage me to focus on myself which I've been doing for the past 6 weeks. I'm actually at a place of peace now due to a lot of reading and attending church regularly. The fear of her leaving me is still there but it's not as pronounced I've put it all in Gods hands and continue to focus on myself. When I bring up reconciliation my W claims she will do that on "her time, and I'm pushing her". With that said I've resigned to avoiding all R talk for now. Wife even agreed to attend MC with me last week but I fear it could blow up in my face. I just don't understand her hot and cold streaks. One minute shes calling me babe and we're shopping for house decorations and the next shes undecided about our sit. We have sex at 7-10 times a week but the intimacy is absent. I'm sure her IC is encouraging her to divorce me as well as her family members.
H36 W37 SD14 SS16 M 2 YEARS BD 12/25/2018 Still living together, sleeping together, etc
She's calling you co-dependant while asking for divorce and still having sex with you all the time...hello pot!
Originally Posted by ScottG31
When I bring up reconciliation my W claims she will do that on "her time, and I'm pushing her".
Scott, I don't mean to be rude, but if she wanted to reconcile, you'd know it. The simple fact that you are "bringing it up" is adding pressure to her. She's right, you are pushing her. What she didn't say is that, most likely, you are pushing her away from you. Is that what you're trying to accomplish?
Originally Posted by ScottG31
I just don't understand her hot and cold streaks.
That's because there is no "understanding them". They are emotions. Emotions come and go, one day you're gung ho this way the next day you're back to where you where. You've been there too, I don't doubt it.
If her IC and family are encouraging divorce there is nothing you can do about it. So let it go Mr. Nice Guy and refocus that mental space and energy on something that will make your life better. I know you're probably thinking: "Over, what the hell are you talking about you crazy @$$?". But there is no secret tool to make her decide now and decide how you want. Do you want your W to choose you or would you be OK if you could somehow just force her to be with you? On the opposite side of the coin, think about this: if her IC and family are encouraging divorce, they may be pushing her back to you. Are you going to keep pushing her away or are you going to let her come to you? If you decide you'd like to let her decide, then respect the time and space she needs to process everything and don't add to her emotional confusion by pressuring her with questions about reconciliation.
Go read my thread from day 1, I was the same as you buddy. Click on my name, then the number showing all my posts, then click to my oldest posts and you'll see my old thread.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Ok Over, please help me understand how her family and the IC could be pushing her towards me? Also, thoughts on doing MC with her? I feel like that could be her platform to permanently dump me because she was adamantly against MC over the past months; why so interested now? I have ceased all R talk and we are actually getting along pretty good. You're right I want her to decide. No one should force someone to be with them. Thanks for the golden nuggets of knowledge man
H36 W37 SD14 SS16 M 2 YEARS BD 12/25/2018 Still living together, sleeping together, etc
The could be pushing her to you by simply telling her to divorce you. That's pressure, just like you pressuring her by asking her to reconcile with you.
I don't see any reason not to do MC but maybe others will have an opinion too. If she's gonna use it to say she tried everything and Scott just [censored], then oh well.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
My sense is that MC only works if both parties go in with the goal of saving the marriage. Far too often one party enters with that goal while the other is looking to show that they "did everything" before leaving, or feel the need to have a safe space to be honest about wanting out. That's how it played out for me. Two weeks of over-the-phone MC and WW was ready to BD.
I wouldn't do MC unless you are sure that she is doing it to save the MR. My sense is that is the consensus around here.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
See that's what I think Over i feel like she will just use this as ammunition that she tried. Its definitely a gamble. Should I ask what she hopes to get from MC, her intentions, or is that R talk I should avoid?
Last edited by ScottG31; 01/19/1908:26 PM.
H36 W37 SD14 SS16 M 2 YEARS BD 12/25/2018 Still living together, sleeping together, etc
Well I asked like an idiot. She says for understanding. Didnt sound like reconciling is on the table. Convo got a little warm so I validated and will keep Dbing. Yet again though we did have sex but no kissing. I made an attempt but only get small pecks.
Last edited by ScottG31; 01/20/1904:23 AM.
H36 W37 SD14 SS16 M 2 YEARS BD 12/25/2018 Still living together, sleeping together, etc
Yes I'm familiar with Albert's theory. Past relationships I've had were not serious. To be honest ,shes the first person I've ever really been in love with. Yeah it went to crap a long time ago due to my insecurities, controlling, emotional abuse, never physical. I've been seeing an IC for abandonment issues for a couple months now. I've decided to put MC off the table until I get a better feel that she wants to reconcile. What type of changes would you suggest in my approach? She has kids from her first marriage, I have none. For a long time i was critical of them about chores, boundaries, etc. They also have witnessed arguments her and I have had so that contributes to her families dislike for me undoubtedly.
H36 W37 SD14 SS16 M 2 YEARS BD 12/25/2018 Still living together, sleeping together, etc
Honestly a peace has overwhelmed me. I do not want a D. However, as times goes by I'm starting to realize that someone's lapdog I cant be.... Empoweremt, self sufficiency is overwhelming me and Im beginning to love it's high.
H36 W37 SD14 SS16 M 2 YEARS BD 12/25/2018 Still living together, sleeping together, etc
Scott, that's a great thing to read. But I'll temper your statements with my response: you will swing back and forth. Be prepared. It's how emotions seem to work. You need to become emotionally intelligent, or at least more than you were. You need to realize that when those emotions swing back, that you can get through. If you need to, make a plan for what you'll do when you have that emotional dip. To me, it sounds like a lot of thinking, but during these situations, we need to be prepared to crush our doubts - and those doubts will come at our lowest points. PMA and nothing else.
Now go reread Sandi's rules, the validation links, and detachment thread!!! Haha homework!
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Well she left. Said shes leaving for 3 days to do some self care. She needs a mental break. She took her kids and went to her moms 300 miles away. She will be back home tomorrow night. Blocked my number blocked all media accounts. I'm unsure if I'm ok with this. If I just act like nothing happened when she returns am I being a pushover?
H36 W37 SD14 SS16 M 2 YEARS BD 12/25/2018 Still living together, sleeping together, etc
If you aren't OK with it, what can you do about it? Nothing, right? So go all "Hakuna Matata" in regards to her getting away. You should use the time as a mental break for yourself. Go do guy stuff with the bros.
Scott you are getting too up and down based on what she does. Can you change this? You aren't being a pushover if you act like nothing happened. But you probably want to act like "I hope you had a good time". Mental breaks are relieving.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
You're right Over. I can change this. I'm going to act unaffected and support her self care and explain to her that she should do it more often. What irks me is totally blocking me ignoring me etc. I don't really have any bros due to moving to a new area. I also just have this undying feeling that she is planning her exit routine. It's scary as hell to honest.
H36 W37 SD14 SS16 M 2 YEARS BD 12/25/2018 Still living together, sleeping together, etc
Thanks for the advice. I see you're in Missouri so I. Go Zou! That's the hardest part man, penetrating her darn walls. I'll make progress then an argument will occur and its back to square one. 5 steps forward 7 backwards.
H36 W37 SD14 SS16 M 2 YEARS BD 12/25/2018 Still living together, sleeping together, etc
Please start a new thread and link both threads together. Thanks!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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