I am a firm believer that when the time is right, the man upstairs puts people in our path to give us info that helps up connect the dots. At least now you have a better idea that things weren't rosy over there at the get go and most likely still aren't. It's a shame that she can't face you, but the guilt and shame of what she's done and continues to do keeps her away. Eventually, it will come full circle and one day, when you least expect it, you will bump into her and she will have no choice but the to look you in the eye and maybe say something. But that's a ways down the road.
Your home may feel empty, but you've got your two beautiful cats and plenty of Christmas music to keep your rocking all night long.
It is a pleasure to read your postings and photos on FB.
Merry Christmas!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Merry Christmas / Happy New Year all. Not much to report - just rambling / journaling as usual.
Despite my own struggling, it's been good. Odd that this year is tough - it should have been the year of new beginnings. Still stuck somewhat I suppose.
No indication at all from my ex of her pulling her head out of whatever tunnel she's in. She brought S24 home a couple of hours ago presumably just dropping him off on the side of the road as usual. I expect that she'll be a bit more confident going forward since he had a good time he said and she was able to "exert control" over me at least indirectly by acting arbitrarily in how he spent his Christmas. Or perhaps I don't exist in her world but that's perhaps doubtful. Not that it makes much difference.
I'd heard through the grapevine that they were off at her brother's (no telling if that was the truth - no reason to doubt it) so when I heard S24 come home at 3:00 am this morning I called "hello", got a response and went back to sleep. Then at 6:00 I heard a beep and him leave - presumably to clean the walk at the senior's home. It turns out that was all my imagination. I'm learning to accept that things that happen when I'm asleep may not be real but it is disturbing. I did actually get up at 3:30 for a glass of milk and did notice that there was no sign of S24 having been home. It is really weird though. My house is pretty easy to break in to but someone breaking in to have a nap for a couple of hours isn't likely. He did come home at around 8:30 I believe, and then did pop right out to take care of the senior's home walk. Since when she picked him up, her guy wasn't with her, we could presume that he didn't go to her family Christmas - but again - not my issue, no way to know without asking questions that aren't any of my business. He has his own kids and grand-children.
Christmas day was good all things considered. I had (and still have) a bit of an upset tummy perhaps due to over-indulgence on the days leading up to then. D26 and her H eventually were ready, called and we opened presents together. I got what is perhaps an official issue US Navy sweater, a pie bird and a storm glass. They liked their presents, even the silly ones. I didn't keep them too long as I thought they might have an appointment with my ex. Or perhaps they did that first. I did laugh because when I commented that I had no idea when S24 would be home, without even looking, D26 swung her hand over to cover her husband's mouth
I then had a nice walk around the village for an hour or so. There is about 6 inches of snow here which is now melting. The park was particularly lovely and I walked along trails that had no footprints other than those of the wee animals that call that home.
In the afternoon I headed up to my oldest brother's place, about an hour drive away. I had a nice visit with both my brothers, their wives, my 2 1/2 year old nephew and my youngest brother's mother-in-law. YBMIL actually sees my ex quite regularly as she goes in to her store and has a strong dislike for her. She did say that my ex is still living over the store and had no comments about her being unhappy. Various unkind comments about my ex were shared to general merriment.
While I was there, the topic of FSL came up and so on a whim I pulled up her Facebook profile which used to be quite locked down with only one blurry picture visible. It is now less locked although there is only one picture of her and her S7 visible. I think SIL1 (who reads along here) was a bit disappointed because I have commented that I think FSL is quite pretty. In her picture she looks like an every-day mom - nice to me, but then I know her somewhat as a person, her smile and her spirit. SIL2 who knows her as she has been a past customer of her personal training studio opined that she is probably in her mid-40s but agreed based on how young her son is that she could be much younger.
I was very surprised at how big of a hit my pie was with multiple people taking seconds and me only suggesting once that the left-over pieces be left behind. I thought it was a decent pie and am grateful to the Pillsbury company for making the crust. I was pleased though. Even though I was encouraged to imbibe and stay the night I chose to head home early, especially to be with S24 when he got home.
He and I opened gifts this morning (I got a weather station) and he was happy with the socks and instant-pot I got him. I sent pictures to D26 and later a note thanking her for her thoughtfulness in sending something home with me. It turns out that his main gift from his sister had been sent back with his mother back in September or whenever she went to visit. I did notice that S24 came home with just the backpack he left with so I presume his mother didn't get him anything physically large. He did show me the slippers and hot sauces that his sister got him.
I did have a smile because as usual I picked up a fair number of mixed nuts for our stockings at home. I clearly remember his mother telling me to stop getting those "because nobody likes them". S24 was very keen on them last year and again this. It's one of our traditions. Also demonstrating that in some ways at least in the year before she left that my ex wasn't living outside her own head. I remember her going on at great length about a pretty underthing that she had bought to please me that she had worn it multiple times when I had no memory of that. I figured later she had been wearing it for OM - or I have crappy memory.
No word at all from CL. Only a slight surprise. I've also chosen to not reach out to her after-all and in the past 95% of the communication was initiated by me.
I'm expecting to see 20 something in the next week. There's extra chocolate here for her. It will be nice to see her and get one of the warm, vigorous hugs she is so good at. No idea if she will think to bring her boyfriend's truck and move her furniture in to one of my empty spare rooms.
So time shortly to start making my apple pie. I need to get the duck in to cook mid-afternoon. He should be well thawed. He's about 5lbs which is average for a small duck and it's 1/2 per lb. Boiled turnip, mashed potatoes, vegetables, fresh baked buns and of course duck, sausage dressing and mushroom gravy on the menu. I'll have extra if you are hungry and happen to stop by. Except the buns - those usually vanish pretty fast.
Getting the timing right is always tricky but I think a 1/2 hour before the duck is done is when to put on the turnip, potatoes and such. I'd asked Santa for covered serving dishes and he didn't come through so I'll have to improvise perhaps staging things in pots to keep warm before serving.
Tomorrow I make duck stew and put the left-over pie into the freezer in pieces to keep. I don't like having left-overs but it is what it is. S24 and I discussed that I have bought far too many apples for the pie and so we need to be eating them down over the next week or so.
Thanks everyone and best wishes for a Happy New Year. I'm sure I'll be writing something before then though. Now to find my apple pie recipe.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
You sound in very good spirits. You have a beautiful life dear friend, and an overly active imagination at night .
If I had to summarize your life I would choose - wholesome.
Good food, good morals and values, and good pleasures.
You and I have talked about your being somewhat stuck. Perhaps it is time to look at it differently. A wholesome life is not a bad thing to be stuck in. I feel that is some of the reluctance for you to leap, your values and ideals are such that you do not need or want to change.
How about, instead of trying to become unstuck from such a comforting and wholesome life, you see it as augmenting it. I must admit I see the idea of unsticking one’s self as letting go and dropping somethings to move on. Perhaps augmenting has more appeal in mind and heart than trying to fix being stuck.
So, on the cusp of a new year, new beginnings, and maybe even a new 180 - augment your life. It can remain as wholesome as ever, just more full and better. You do not need to replace anything or drop anything, just add to the richness, to your good pleasures.
Andrew, here is a 180, ask FSL (or GSL I believe you bought her coffee, or are they the same person) out for New Year’s Eve.
After you have slowed down your heart rate, breathing, and quit sweating - I am serious. Call the woman, you gave her chocolate coins for her son, just talk to her. Invite her for a walk or drive around town to look at decorations and lights. See how things go, talk about New Years, see if she has plans. And if she is free, ask her to go do something together - party, movie, dinner, whatever.
I know the fear, the confidence issues - be fearless. Look at what you have survived and gone through. You are not asking her to marry you, just spend some time together. Heck, you may find she is not your type at all. Ya I know, weird - you might actually be the one who does not want to continue, kind of like with CL. Point is until you try you will not know.
A new start is just around the corner, and a whole world of possibilities. Take a leap and add to your life.
A while ago, I wrote, felt, and believe you are on the cusp of a new chapter in your book of life, some new realizations, and possibilities. I still do.
I hope you do as well.
Add to your book Andrew.
Add to that so wholesome life.
Have a very wonderful New Year’s.
If you have a few extra pies, I do like apple.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
If you find me on Instagram (or FB) you'll see my large apple pie that I just set out a short while ago to cool along with a batch of (pre-made) Christmas cookies. The pie bird my daughter gave me seems to have worked splendidly.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
...so when I heard S24 come home at 3:00 am this morning I called "hello", got a response and went back to sleep. Then at 6:00 I heard a beep and him leave - presumably to clean the walk at the senior's home. It turns out that was all my imagination. I'm learning to accept that things that happen when I'm asleep may not be real but it is disturbing.
No worries mate. The vivid dreams that merge with reality shouldn't bother you. What should bother you is the subject matter. You need to replace thoughts and dreams of your son with something more enticing, like a yacht filled with bikini clad babes that are yearning for Andrew's attention. Once you do that, all will be good again. Next thing you know, you'll be kvetching about nocturnal emissions.
like a yacht filled with bikini clad babes that are yearning for Andrew's attention. Once you do that, all will be good again. Next thing you know, you'll be kvetching about nocturnal emissions.
I have some drawings for a very nice ketch. And since you are from the South, yes a ketch is different from a yawl. I presumed that you mis-spelled ketch being an American and not knowing how to properly use the Queen's English.
Scantily clad is best for sailing. You don't want excess clothing getting tangled up in the rigging. My sloop though would fit at least one scantily clad mate. A 16' on deck gaff rigged sloop that sadly hasn't been in the water for a number of years. 23' overall including the bow sprit and rudder. I'd be looking for a crew member of a moderately good size otherwise I'll have to reef in anything over a moderate breeze. The Floating Bear has no ballast other than what the crew provides. FSL is probably at least 5' 9" and has noticeable curves. I've noticed them anyway.
For nocturnal voyages it's important to follow Chapman's rules of navigation and have the appropriate lights depending on whether you are anchored, proceeding under sail or steam.
And yes - I did pour a significant amount of sherry on the duck I'm currently roasting. Time to go baste.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Your pie looks delicious! You did a great job on it and I'm sure it is as good as the one you baked and took to your brother's place.
I agree...it's time to ask the FSL out. A new year is around the corner and it's time for Andrew to start dipping his toe in the pond and see what happens. Adventures are out there waiting for you!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Okay, now I'm going to kvetch; in my sentence above, "littler" is supposed to be "little." The "r" arrived after I finished typing. I swear on a stack of bibles.
But, that's not why I'm here. I'm here because you're a man who likes narrative. I just came across this profound paragraph (IMHO):
The world can be validly construed as a forum for action, as well as a place of things. We describe the world as a place of things, using the formal methods of science. The techniques of narrative, however – myth, literature, and drama – portray the world as a forum for action. The two forms of representation have been unnecessarily set at odds, because we have not yet formed a clear picture of their respective domains. The domain of the former is the “objective world” – what is, from the perspective of intersubjective perception. The domain of the latter is “the world of value” – what is and what should be, from the perspective of emotion and action.
Nope. So I googled. Unsurprised to see Jordan Peterson. You've suggested before that I would be interested in his work. One of the first results was a Quora article that discussed how his philosophy of narrative also implied the creation of a reality based on that.
Funnily enough - my ex-wife was like that. She would come up with things and then believe them to be true like the time she said that we were dry-walling the front porch (we weren't). I do think that she told her narrative of the world she wanted, rather than the one she had and presumably still does. It used to annoy me when we were married. Oddly, I think that when asked direct questions by me about her affair that she never lied. She could have easily gas-lighted me. Odd that she didn't. Perhaps she respected me too much to do that. We can hope that to be true.
I think my use of narrative is more to examine and explore the nuances of the environment around me. Despite very real bouts of cognitive dissonance that still happen, I like to feel that I am grounded in a valid shared reality.
Christmas dinner was good. I was pleased with how everything turned out. Slightly worried because the cook was reasonably well basted as was the roast duck by the time I got to the end. Far too many left-overs that I need to deal with. I'm working from home today so I'll put the bones on to boil shortly and then after work make up batches of duck stew.
S24 napped most of the day undoubtedly tired from his adventures with his mother but we made our way through a fair amount of food. I'm certainly wearing stretchy pants today.
The pie bird that my daughter got me worked quite well as well and the pie I think was one of my better ones. I sliced it up and froze the remaining pieces. It's nice to have something decorative and useful.
Speaking of decorative, I did slip and message CL a picture of my messy post-dinner kitchen. Unusually she replied moderately promptly also letting me know she was in-transit in Georgia. Presumably on her way to Florida for a week or so. If you see her around doodler, say "hi" I'd not intended to give her the impression that I was sitting on the shelf waiting to be dusted but rather just not be there when she looked around. Cognitive dissonance again. It's a thing. What will the new year bring there? Well, her schedule should be opening up a bit and her divorce will probably be getting nailed down. Does she still imagine grand adventures with me and have "plans" - presuming that has been the case in the past - we'll perhaps see. Or perhaps not. There is a lovely blonde lady who has a pretty smile and sells me flowers. And there are other people that I see around me when I open my eyes.
Me - well I think I'm doing a bit better now that Christmas is behind me. No "Christmas Miracle" for me. Very likely for the best. I undoubtedly won't hear anything from / about my ex for some time now. It's good that the kids seem to have a relationship of sorts with her as well as strong boundaries at least with me. No clue if they tell her about my life but we all expect that S24 has been and continues to be a conduit of information. And I really have no issue with that. D26 probably is silent on my life.
The level of honesty and humility that would be required for her to look me in the eye she doesn't have and probably never will. Part of the discussion I had with SIL1 is that the clock is certainly ticking for her. She has just a hair over 5 more years of support coming from me. The owners of her store and very cheap apartment are getting fairly old and really could have retired any time in the past 10 years.
Circling back, I am curious as to what her narrative is at present and how much of it represents the reality as historical facts would state. What journey is she on and what destination does she have?
Ah well - I wrote and deleted a few paragraphs of speculation in the two paragraphs above. It really doesn't matter to me. A lot of me feels sorry for her and being a rescuer that is dangerous. I though have no clue what her current state is. Unlike myself who posted multiple pictures of my pies and the makings of a reasonably happy Christmas, dead air from her. Which of us is the one that is struggling based on that? At least at present I am doing well health wise and financially. I do need to get off my duff and work on applying for new jobs though although staying where I am would mean probably a better retirement and earlier. Presuming my job doesn't vanish which I keep being assured isn't happening.
For me, my journey is reasonably well mapped out at present and is fairly low speed. I do intend to put some effort in to finding someone to journey alongside with me. I intend to stay in my home for the foreseeable future. I will be encouraging S24 on his own journey to an independent life and not looking to his mother for help on that although that would be a helpful and reasonable thing for her to do.
Despite my flaws, many of which I freely admit to, I do think that I have a lot to offer someone special. And there are a large number of special people in the world, a number of whom I am sure would be happy to be that special someone. To paraphrase some advice that Jack_Three_Beans gave me a long time ago - it doesn't matter how big that number is. It only needs to be one.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
.
I'd not intended to give her the impression that I was sitting on the shelf waiting to be dusted but rather just not be there when she looked around. Cognitive dissonance again. It's a thing. What will the new year bring there? Well, her schedule should be opening up a bit and her divorce will probably be getting nailed down. Does she still imagine grand adventures with me and have "plans" - presuming that has been the case in the past - we'll perhaps see. Or perhaps not. There is a lovely blonde lady who has a pretty smile and sells me flowers. And there are other people that I see around me when I open my eyes.