Seeing some rays of light (pain18 DB IX)

[Phoenix9]

Day 146,

Thank you for your insight, V. Shift is my mindset heading into 2019.

O, I hear you on me being bitter and angry. And I would be fool to deny it.

As I was driving back from the store earlier, I reflected on what you said about your dad being old and bitter because his perception was that it was his Exs' fault that the divorce happened and he is cynical. And I don't want to be that guy. No body likes that guy. Everybody loves the guy who I am and can continually to be. I reflected further on my angry actions and behaviors that lead to BD. Even as recently as last week when I talked angrily to my WW for a situation she had no control of in that instance, I still gave off the vibe that I am directly angry with her. And no matter how many times I said that I was not angry at her, my actions said otherwise.

I am realizing more about what was said about the gift of time. I have time to continue to shift my thinking and actions. The more time passes, the more I learn about my shortcomings and the processes to overcome them.

If by some miracle in the last 5 months WW and I reconciled, we would be S not long after. I truly believe that.

I still lash out in pain and emotion especially as WW continues to do WW things. Maybe these another tests? Another lesson to learn about controlling anger? Setting boundaries? Detaching?

[Phoenix9]

I just re-read my post above and I notice how my writing style reflects my thought process at the time.

Lately when I post, I still can communicate what I am feeling to you with success. But there are also some things I post that just do not make any sense at all. "Maybe these another tests?" should have been "Maybe these are more tests?"

I don't know. I do realize that I need to pursue activities that relax me. When I'm relaxed, I communicate a lot better. When I am under distress, my mind is racing so much that my mouth and/or my fingers cannot keep up and ultimately come out as non-sensical words and sentences.

[ovrrnbw]

This isn't Lit class Pain, so I'm going to give you a pass. For now.....

As time goes by, you will learn to reign in your emotions better and you will be less emotional overall in regards to her. That's where I hope you go, down the road of detachment.

[Phoenix9]

Day 148,

Had a quiet evening last night with WW and D4. Everything was fine until WW brought up how we'll need to make some decisions next year. It then hit me again that I'm going to have to start making the push to get out of this sitch. And my anxiety came back.

It's worse now because the Christmas Eve service is tonight. WW and D4 are going in later. I have work. Not sure of plans before service.

I am dreading tomorrow morning. I did not get a gift and I have no idea what it is going to be like when we open presents. I know it's going to be very somber, awkward, and sad. WW has plans afterwards (heh). I'm going to try to do something later. Maybe go to the gym, maybe a drive.

The gauntlet begins.

[ovrrnbw]

When she brings that up (we have to make decisions), she is watching your reaction.

Why were you hanging out with WW?

[Phoenix9]

When she brings that up (we have to make decisions), she is watching your reaction.

She saw my body language because she asked me why my mood changed. I told her that I still have back pain and that I was fine. Should proper detaching not elicit a response from me when she temp checks me?

Why were you hanging out with WW?

I stayed at my house because I hurt my back and could not leave to GAL. She...I don't know. Her house too, I guess.

[SoTorn]

I also have to face the task of waking up in the AM and opening gifts with my kids and my WW. I did not get her anything. I really hope she didnt get me anything. My kids even said that they didnt want me to get them anything for them to give to her. My kids are going to make out like bandits this year because she went absolutely nuts trying to overcompensate for her transgressions.

[Phoenix9]

Day 149,

Merry Christmas everyone.

I was an anxious wreck all day yesterday, in anticipation of today. Christmas was my favorite holiday the last 10 years. I knew that today was not going to resemble anything like the previous ones at all.

WW, D4, and I met for Christmas Eve dinner. I was aloof and distant, just being so worked up. I would not be surprised if my body language showed that to WW. After dinner, we went (separate cars) to the church service. I met up with some folks who I caught up with and gave a little insight as to what is going on in our lives.

The service went with no problems. It was one of the few services in which I was engaged in from start to finish. After the service, we went home, and D4 went to open one of her gifts. I was not feeling well, so I decided to turn in early. I popped a Xanax and slept until this morning.

We woke up and opened presents. I have WW a gift on D4's behalf (D4 picked a gift for WW and I paid for it). There was nothing from me. I got one gift myself.

Afterwards, WW and D4 got dressed and went to have christmas breakfast/lunch/whatever with "friends". I stayed at home to clean up and just get some space. I'll be getting ready shortly to head out myself. I was invited to stop by at a friend's for brunch. I may go hiking or lift in a bit just to release some of this tension.

I caught up on burned's thread and saw a post on what this board has done, what it's doing, and what it will continue to do:

I think that most of those who end up here are "fixers" and are attracted by the premise of DB which is to save our marriages. The forum feeds in to the counseling which has helped a good number of people even if they haven't been quite as active in soliciting in the last year or so. What we have here is a small community of people who care deeply, who are looking for answers and looking to fix things. A number of them hang around and try to help or "fix" the newcomers who come in. For me I hang around because I have made some good friends here and this is a nice place to keep my diary.

I've participated and read other forums. It's really the community and the premise of a "system" I think that has people stay here. The people here tend to be more thoughtful and more devoted to their spouses along with more forgiving. As I wrote to someone probably around 2 years ago, by the time people end up here though our situations are usually so far down the rabbit hole that there is little chance of a turn-around. It does happen, but it is rare.

Other forums are less "blame the victim" or "fix the problem" - call it what you will. They focus on cutting the wayward spouse loose as quickly and painlessly as possible. They are much less common though as the common narrative in society is that reconciliation is the ideal goal rather than self-preservation.

It took me nearly 7 months post-BD to discover this thread. I look back and ask myself if things would have turned out differently if I started the DB process sooner (maybe February or March). Instead, I have made a lot of mistakes. It was only after I started the DB process that I realized not only the contributions I made that lead to this, but also the deep-rooted causes of why I was who I was. I would have never addressed my NGS if it was not pointed out to me. I would not have started the process of finding my balls. And I certainly would not have made such strong bonds with a bunch of folks from all walks of life here. This board is my primary source of support.

I continued to read through burned's thread and saw a snippet of his posting of his thought process that is nearly identical to mine:

Let this be a record of my current thought processes: “Most WASes eventually look back.” Yeah, but mine probably won’t. “There are lots of recon stories.” Yeah, but I’m not a DB ninja like them, and I already did so much damage. “You won’t want her back.” Yeah, but it would be nice to at least have the option. “You’ll be better off without her.” Hmm. Maybe.

I'm not sure if these are common thoughts that the most LBS goes through or if we're the minority. All I know is that no matter how many people tell me how things will get better, the belief of that is simply not there. I put my hope into that thought, as evidenced by my posts on coincidental sunrises, and songs, and whatnot. But right now, it's just really dark, really lonely, and is killing my self-esteem.

I have been told I am a wonderful man and that I do not deserve this. I really don't know how to respond to that anymore. I keep fighting for positivity but it is taking a lot of energy to do so. Lately I have been sleeping more lately and not GAL because I am so tired and hopeless. I hope it's just a bump. I hope that once the holidays are over I can get up and running again.

And I really hope that these last 7 days of what is unequivocally the worst year of my 37 year existence on this planet goes by fast and uneventful.

Thanks for listening.

[ovrrnbw]

Pain,

if you aren't making mistakes, it's because you aren't trying. You learn from your mistakes, you don't beat yourself up over them.

Your self esteem is down? Ha! That's easy to fix, because it only depends on you!!!! Fix it!

As for you not "deserving" this...I have always hated the word "deserve". Remember this phrase "If it is to be, then it is up to me". Nobody deserves anything. On The Wire, and Unforgiven, there was a quote "Deserve's got nothing to do with it". I always loved that line.

Tomorrow will be what you make of it, do you want to hurt? Or will you employ a PMA and a mindset that you will commit to making your life better?

[sandi2]

It was only after I started the DB process that I realized not only the contributions I made that lead to this, but also the deep-rooted causes of why I was who I was. I would have never addressed my NGS if it was not pointed out to me. I would not have started the process of finding my balls. And I certainly would not have made such strong bonds with a bunch of folks from all walks of life here. This board is my primary source of support.

Thanks for sharing those thoughts with us, Pain. For me, it has always been about the individual person who is reaching out for help. It is seeing that individual rising from the ashes of their MR and refusing to allow it to define themselves as a loser. It has been such an encouragement to see people discover their own sense of self value and to make remarkable changes in their lives. IMHO, you have been one of those people. That's not to say your story has ended, b/c our personal stories never end as long as we have a breath left in us. I just mean that you are going to be one of those who will be able to look back on your journaling and see the distance you traveled.

I'm not sure if these are common thoughts that the most LBS goes through or if we're the minority. All I know is that no matter how many people tell me how things will get better, the belief of that is simply not there. I put my hope into that thought, as evidenced by my posts on coincidental sunrises, and songs, and whatnot.

When you say the belief of that is simply not there, are you referring to the belief your MR will get better...….or your life will get better....should there be a divorce?

But right now, it's just really dark, really lonely, and is killing my self-esteem.

The words that jumped out to me in that paragraph "is killing my self-esteem". You may be writing from a place of deep hurt on what's suppose to be a joyous occasion, and may not want to expound on it. However, if you don't mind.....can you explain how it is killing your self-esteem? I think living under the same roof is affecting your self-esteem and keeps your anger right beneath the boiling point. But, that's JMHO. Who am "I" to tell any LBS how to feel? I'm not.

Both spouses contribute to the breakdown of a MR, IMHO. Nobody knows better than the other spouse. I don't think it makes either of them a failure at everything else in their life. Perhaps the MR fails......but it does not mean either of the spouses are less human, or that they will never be able to feel happiness again. Thank God that our worthiness as a human being is not measured by just one relationship; just one job or career; or on one chance in life. ((hugs))

I have been told I am a wonderful man and that I do not deserve this. I really don't know how to respond to that anymore.

My suggestion is to quietly say, "Thank you". No need to discuss the sitch. You know, we often tell one another on the board that we deserve better, etc. One day, a Newbie told me that everyone deserved better. In other words, it wasn't helping him for me to tell him things like that. Sometimes, friends, family. or co-workers want to say something comforting, but don't know what to say. So, just know they mean well, and leave it at that.

I don't know if your M will last, however, I believe you will be okay if it doesn't. (See, there I go again, telling you that you'll be okay). The failure of a MR, does not determine you or your W fail as individual people. Some people have their identify so enmeshed or attached to the M, they cannot see themselves as an individual. They cannot foresee themselves being happy without their current spouse. They don't know how to go about having a "new" life, b/c everything about them has been defined by the M. Men with NGS may find it difficult to imagine carving out a life without their XW, b/c they saw their identification as being someone's husband. Same applies for some women who centered their life to having a home, raising children, being a good wife, etc.

Changing the subject just a bit...…….what have you been doing to physically work off your pent up anger?

Sending you a big hug (((Pain))).