New thread- Newcomer pre-bomb drop

[Bern19]

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2795338#Post2795338

Link to previous thread.

[Bern19]

Ok, she’s home from work, told her we need to wait till after Christmas to make any moves. I know that I’m handicapping myself by not making her face consequences immediately, but I think getting my kids through Christmas with no drama is more important right now.

Didn’t talk about sleeping arrangements, but I’m not leaving my bed. That’s for certain.

[Ready2Change]

I have not been following, but just skimmed your thread. Just to be clear, MWD does not support exposing the A.

Ok, well guess I have nothing to lose at this point.

Best post I have read in a long time. Thanks for sharing.

Told him to leave my wife alone, and if he ever talks to her again that I would tell his wife.

Nice boundary

I facebook messaged his wife anyway since he ignored my request to leave my wife alone.

Nice follow through.

Just be aware that they may go deeper undercover. Are you still the safety net?

[Ready2Change]

Don't leave the house four days before Christmas.
Focus on your children.
Stop interacting with her. She does not care about your feelings, so STFU.
After Christmas, you need to decide what you will do.

Can't beat that advise.


Sorry you have to deal with this during the holidays.

[Ready2Change]

Didn’t talk about sleeping arrangements, but I’m not leaving my bed. That’s for certain.

If I was in your sitch, I would not let her into the MB. I would calmly pack her stuff up and make the MB ALL MINE.

[Vanilla]

Do not leave the MB or the MBR or the MH. Are you in a fault state? That's important to have evidence, so cards, close chest any order.

I am tougher and harder on cheating than almost any other poster here, it's horrible and marks the end of an M. Of course there can be an M2.

Currently there are two views on exposing an A, yes and no. It's like being on a bus you either are or aren't.

If you are going to say you will call, it out if OM doesn't leave WW alone then you must do it. It's a boundary. And you did.

I do sense lots of ultimatums which if you lay them out then you will have to act or lose respect. So if you put yourself in ultimatums then follow through. I think boundaries can be stepped they don't have to straight to number 1 immediately.

This WW is truly wayward when she violates her home for a quick or not so quick screw. Frankly she does not deserve to be living in a home she treats as a bordello. Nasty, in a place her family have their family meals, just simply crummy in all ways. Skanky in every sleazy way I can think of when her children eat there. Nauseates me completely. Passive aggressive disregarding of her home and family life? Disrespecting at best.

You may find detachment with the emotion of disgust. Christmas or not, it's rotten behaviour. And there has been much of that here on this board.

What a crappy OM, sleaze bag of douche.

OK V: say what you think, why don't you?

Frankly nothing, nothing you have ever done is responsible for her choices which are skewed and way out. Honey it's all on her, every single lying word is hers. However this works out this isn't you, you can hot coal yourself and improve in every way but it's for you and your future. There are choices and hers is a dumb one.

And go get tested, make a point of it and let her know you have. STDs can rot your brain and nethers, it's not so good.

Go see an L, get to know your position on it. At the moment you are the stable one in the family, be clear she may lose her job if her work discover the PA, it's often the woman seen as the skanky one not the guy as the sleaze bag. One or other could be accused of harassment. It's no fun bag of wax.

Have the best Xmas you can have and as soon as possible stand firm on those ultimatums.

Enjoy your children and your Xmas to the extreme.

V

[sandi2]

So she’s been blowing up my phone with bug long texts about how she’s sorry, but I did this or I did that and that’s what led her down this road.

She is not sorry. How do I know? B/c WW's don't want to take responsibility for their sh't. She wants to blame her H.

Look, I don't think you need to be sharing some type of couple's counseling right now. If the counselor is having you discuss boundaries, etc., in her presence......I just don't think it's as effective, not to mention it kind of gives her a one up on what to expect. It's okay if you want individual counseling, but I think you need to stop attending sessions together for now.

[Bern19]

Update time.. We had plans Friday night to have some of her work friends over for dinner. After all that happened earlier that day I figured she would have cancelled, but she texted me and asked if she should. I didn't reply right away, but finally did and said they could still come. Probably not a great decision. I ended up getting super drunk... Blackout drunk, which I haven't done since college. Well I guess the wife wanted to look through my phone to see who was helping me keep tabs on her. From what she said, I wouldn't give her my pass code or let her use my finger to unlock it. She told me all this on Saturday morning. She was keeping my phone until I gave her the code and let her look through it. I wasn't in a very pleasant mood, so I told her tuff, she could keep it, and I left.

I just needed some space, so I drove around, got some breakfast and just sat and read. When I got home she was gone. She called one of our kids and asked them to give me the phone. She said she had my phone and wanted to see what I had on there that I was hiding. I told her to come home and we'd look at it together. When she got home I true to unlock it, but she had tried to guess the pass code too many times and the phone had locked down as a security feature. The only way to open it back up is to restore it from the latest backup on itunes. Problem is, the only back up I had done was right before Thanksgiving, on my work computer. Because of the holiday I can't get to my work computer so no restore until Wednesday the 26th. She was mad as a hornet. She said she was convinced that one of her friends was helping me and she had to know who it was. I was so done with the whole fiasco that I told her no one was helping me. The reason I didn't want her to have my phone is she would see that I was tracking her using one of the kids phones. That I knew she was sneaking around town to meet him for 8 mins at the gas station, 13 mins at the marketplace, 15 mins at the grocery store, etc... She said that he had approached her and wanted to rekindle their affair., but she told him she wasn't interested. So why was she stopping off to chat with him???? She doest know. I told her it didn't matter, that even while attempting to be on her best behavior she still couldn't be honest with me.

I could actually see her switch gears and go on the offensive. She was the one that was betrayed because I spied on her. She said ill never be able to trust her and that ill always be wondering. I said yup, so where does that leave us? She actually said I guess well have to see if either if us can get past this. No, really that's what she said. She isn't sure if she can get past me catching her sneaking around town. At that point I knew it was time to stop talking, actually I knew I had made a mistake engaging her at all.

At least I got to stay in my bed. She stayed on the couch. Went to church this morning with the family and just kept to myself. More of the same this afternoon. Only yes or no answers to questions that were about Christmas gifts. Others were avoided or just ignored. I can tell you that Christmas was always my time. I just loved everything about it. Not feel I g it this year. One of the kids is noticing too. Gonna have to step up my game to give them the Christmas they deserve.

[SoTorn]

My WW pulled the same. I hired a PI and caught her out of town with her boss. One of the things my WW said was "I can't trust you anymore because you hired a PI and had me followed". Some of the sh*t that comes out of their mouths is just so ridiculous. Yeah, I am the untrustworthy one for catching you WW, not you for betraying your vows, family, H and kids!!

[ovrrnbw]

Hi Bern,

prolly back off on the alcohol usage. I'm sure you know this.

With the phone, did she offer to let you look through hers, or was it just her wanting to look through your phone? I don't think you should have agreed to let her look in the first place. It's ridiculous.

I could actually see her switch gears and go on the offensive. She was the one that was betrayed because I spied on her.

Barf. She was betrayed? Yea OK.

She said ill never be able to trust her and that ill always be wondering. I said yup, so where does that leave us? She actually said I guess well have to see if either if us can get past this. No, really that's what she said.

OK, well I think this is actually true.

I also agree with what you said that you need to engage less. Validate, shut down those arguments, and move forward.