Advice for newcomer pre- bomb drop.

[Bern19]

I'll be honest, I don't want to hear the "goings on"... I've already lived through that in real life... So not an option I'm willing to pursue at this time. I'd just like to confirm that she is, in fact, seeing him at all. She has lied to me about where she was at. That's enough to do more that just raise some flags, but with the christmas season on us, I can't confront her to find out she's Christmas shopping or something else ridiculous like that. Trust me, she is a master truth twister. If i don't have concrete evidence to proof what I know, it's like it never happened. I'm learning she lives in some sort of bizarro world, where the truth is only the truth if you have physical proof.... Maddening...

[Wanted1]

Do you have a buddy who would be willing to follow at a distance just to scope things out at the parking lot she frequents even just one day?

[Bern19]

not one that I feel like I can dump that on. I had become co-dependent and have friends, but they are mostly our friends and I don't want to mix that up right now. I had several close friends over the years, but have let myself get sucked in to where my world revolved around her.

That's the one I still need to work on.. I'm getting out and doing things, either with my kids or by myself, but haven't really put myself out there in a way to get close to anyone. I have tons of people in town that I'm friendly with, it's just the one's i'd consider close enough to disclose my sitch to are all "our" friends.

[Wanted1]

not one that I feel like I can dump that on. I had become co-dependent and have friends, but they are mostly our friends and I don't want to mix that up right now. I had several close friends over the years, but have let myself get sucked in to where my world revolved around her.

That's the one I still need to work on.. I'm getting out and doing things, either with my kids or by myself, but haven't really put myself out there in a way to get close to anyone. I have tons of people in town that I'm friendly with, it's just the one's i'd consider close enough to disclose my sitch to are all "our" friends.

Yes, understandable. We are still IHS, so I've only disclosed our situation to two of my close friends I met in college before I met my W and was married. They don't live close by either. No one in our town and "our" group of friends knows anything about our situation to my knowledge, so I'd be in the same boat as you on what I suggested.

[Bern19]

Ok, update time. I had suspicions that my ww was still seeing the om, even though we were in MC and she insists she isn’t. Today I had the day off. I decided to follow her from work even though I knew it wasn’t likely that they would meet since she knew I was off. We’ll sure enough she drove right to the grocery store parking lot and guess whose truck was there? You guessed it... the OM. I pulled up and there was no one in his truck, so I went around to the other side and opened the WW door and boy was she surprised to see me. Turns out he was in the store and she was waiting for him. I handed her a note that I had written explaining that she had crossed a boundary that I clearly verbalized and that I needed her to move out of our home. She took it and drove off. I stayed behind to talk with OM. That went about as well as expected. He claimed she didn’t even know she was there. I said if that was stalking you she wouldn’t park in the next parking space.

Meanwhile WW is blowing up my phone and I just kept declining the call. When I got home she tried to blow it off as no big deal and that I was over reacting. I asked her if she was going to pack her things, she said no. I said that I guess I’ll have to then. She couldn’t believe that I was that worked up about her just talking to him. I started to explain that it wasn’t just that they were talking, it was that she was still willing to lie to me about it. She’s lied to me and the MC about having any contact with him. Then I remembered that there is no reasoning with her. She’s still in the fog and still attached to him. She said she doesn’t feel anything for him...

I told her that I couldn’t be with someone that is willing to lie to me so easily. That I deserved better and that I should be able to expect honesty, love, and appreciation from my wife. If she wouldn’t leave, then I’ll have to. I told her I wouldn’t be going to her moms for Christmas and she would be coming to mine. Then I said something I regret when I told her she wasn’t welcome to attend church with our family anymore. That was out of line and I’ll have to apologize for that.

Anyway, she had to leave to go back for her mid-day shift and when she walked out she said that I should probably call my IC and tell him I plan on leaving my family because she talked to the OM. She was pretty hot and mentioned something about exposing the fact that she caought me mastubating to porn I’d i out her to our friends... then she left.

So, it’s 4 days till Christmas, do I move out or wait till after the holiday? I want some space, but I have two kids that are young enough to still bank on Christmas as a special time of year. My youngest still believes in Santa... I don’t know what to do... any advice?

[doodler]

So, it’s 4 days till Christmas, do I move out or wait till after the holiday? I want some space, but I have two kids that are young enough to still bank on Christmas as a special time of year. My youngest still believes in Santa... I don’t know what to do... any advice?

Bern19,

Good job confronting the OM.

I don't have specific advice for you, but I don't think you should be the spouse that has to move out. Your wife is the cheater, she should move out. I think I'd consider gently and lovingly pushing her out the door. A dose of reality for her isn't a bad thing.

[Twofeet]

Bern,

Don't leave the house, you haven't done anything wrong. Pack a suitcase of her stuff and put it by the door when she gets home. Maybe she will get the hint. Like doodler said, lovingly push her out the door.

[LH19]

She was pretty hot and mentioned something about exposing the fact that she caought me mastubating to porn

If I had a nickel for every WAW that did that I would....................

[sandi2]

I handed her a note that I had written explaining that she had crossed a boundary that I clearly verbalized and that I needed her to move out of our home.

You still don't understand boundaries. You can't force her to leave the home. So, that kind of backfired, IMO.

So, it’s 4 days till Christmas, do I move out or wait till after the holiday? I want some space, but I have two kids that are young enough to still bank on Christmas as a special time of year. My youngest still believes in Santa... I don’t know what to do... any advice?

You should have thought this out before you decided to tell her stuff you won't or can't back up.

Don't leave the house four days before Christmas.
Focus on your children.
Stop interacting with her. She does not care about your feelings, so STFU.
After Christmas, you need to decide what you will do.

[Bern19]

Yeah, after reading my post and taking 10 minutes to think about it, I shouldn’t have said anything. I had a few of my boundaries defined at our previous MC session where I clearly said I won’t stay with someone that lies to me, and I won’t share her with him in anyway. I was ready to enforce those two weeks ago. Now I look at the calendar and realize that if she won’t leave, I’ll have to... do I really want to leave my home 4 days before Christmas? Absolutely not. So she’s been blowing up my phone with bug long texts about how she’s sorry, but I did this or I did that and that’s what led her down this road. I was going to ignore her, but finally replied that I’ll talk to her again after Christmas. At that point one of us will need to clear out to get some space.