Assume there is an affair. Now what does that change for you? In reality not much. Bust at least if you take it as being true, maybe you can stop wondering and hence dwelling on it. Easy to say but not to do.
My advice to you is to concentrate on sorting your issues out first. You are broken. In that state you are unlikely to fix anything else. And if she did come back, you are not in a position to build a new R. I am blunt but do so with your best interest in mind.
I will repeat a slogan that is doing the rounds on internet: it's okay to not be okay.But no doctor or medicine can change that unless you are ready for it to change.
This is a tough time. The good folk here can help you through it.
Best wishes
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
But if two years gives you peace of mind then great
It is far enough away to give yourself breathing room
I am a planner too
And I have learned the hard way
To let go
I am not in control
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
My timeline or deadline was forged from my desire for this to be over. Until D16 graduates (a year and a half from now) and then ... and then ... well I don’t know what then. It was more I won’t do anything until then. Ok, good. No divorce, no girlfriend, I’ll stand. Good. So again after graduation - then what?
What I learned is two years, three years, whatever - is a long time. A very long time to not do anything. Some deadline, even far off, looms and presses upon you. You will fixate on that arbitrary date and its effects will be detrimental.
Throw out any timeline or deadline you have. Her healing, her path, will take as long as it takes.
So will yours.
That is really important - So Will Yours.
How can we know a timeline for our healing, espically when in the midst of it.
Live for today, find happiness in the now of everything you do. Do not wait, or think that after some deadline I will be better and will move on then. Live for now.
That does not mean move on. I mean live for R678, find him, heal him.
You do not need to figure out when this will be over, you will know when you want it to be over, and it will not follow some schedule.
You will live for you, you will learn what makes you tick, your beliefs, desires, hopes, and fears. You can become better, compassionate, kind, and lose a need for a deadline. That is a cool place to live. That is probably the only place one can really stand from. It is also the best place to stand down from.
Let go of her, her path, her timeline. Let go of your deadline, your schedule. Just live. There is a schedule, a timeline, a path, we are all on one - it will be revealed as we walk it. Find peace with that idea and you can weather quite a storm, no matter how long it lasts.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Thankyou dnj such kind comforting words full of wisdom . Isn’t it strange how a few words can change your way of thinking .i feel we say things that make sense at that particular moment due to how we feel but as we reflect a few days later and our own mood has changed we feel different then we tend to think differently. I was probably cycling back to anger when I set that timeline but now a few days later it’s different. I will take your advice and drop the timeline ,I think you just become overwhelmed with it all at times and want some inner peace from it all . Although yes she’s abandoned me due to her mlc I feel that’ if I did the same whilst she’s going through this then I’m not a very good person because we know it’s an illness of sorts you wouldn’t abandon them if you were together and they were ill so I know it’s not exactly the same but the same rule applies as such , and not only that I couldn’t live with myself if I did completely cut her off so when ,and if she needed to talk or needed some help and couldn’t come to me .that’s not in my nature.
Hi all happy new year to you all . Well I have haven’t posted for a while so thought I’d give an update . Over the last few days I have been ok almost no anxiety or depression yet today it comes back and hits like a ton of bricks .slthough now I know that I’m going to do this I sort of understand that the feelings will subside and hopefully won’t stay In the same mindset for to long . When I do cycle back it feels as though no growth has taken place within me but I know it has because the episodes do not last as long as before although they are just as intense and sure enough the mind wanders to all those negative thoughts which I know do not do you any favours . Once again I feel like the world is on my shoulders and I hate feeling like this .why is it that you cycle back and forth like you do
Hi all not posted for a while thought I’d give you an update on things . For the last couple of days things haven’t been to bad not a lot of anxiety yet today back with a vengeance don’t know what triggered it but it’s back . It’s a shame really because like I say last couple of days been fine actually felt normal for a while ,you seem to forget what normal is until you reach it foraThe wife im sure is trying to use me for her own purposes I see now where they say when they want something their nice as pie to you but the niceness is to over the top so you know you can actually see through it I stood my ground and refused what she wanted and expected some grief but didn’t get any I think there’s some cake eating going on but I won’t be part of it so that’s that . I don’t know I find that because of the way they are toward you you sometimes ,I feel like I’m being standoffish toward her and not fully engaged with her . To be fair in 3 weeks I’ve probably only seen her once or twice she comes to the house for a few hours and even then I feel she’s checking up to make sure things are where they should be snd the likes to see if I’ve changed anything . What i do find though is when she is there she gives me anxiety and I don’t know why what I do know is the days I don’t have any anxiety are becoming more as 2 months ago every day was filled with anxiety now it’s not every day but it’s still there so at least I know I’m slowly getting there and not stuck in one stage .which I was getting worried about.
Sounds like you are moving towards detachment. I am four months in and have noticed that I am having a lot less anxiety as well. I know that if I start thinking a certain way, it will return though, so I try to put a stop that kind of thinking as soon as I become aware of it. As time passes, I am getting better at it. Just keep doing what you are doing. There will continue to be good and bad days but the good will begin to outnumber the bad as long as you keep working at it. (((HUGS)))
Nice to see you again. Very good update, you are progressing well.
DV is correct, you are moving towards detachment. Be patient and hang in there, it is coming.
It is interesting to see the MLCers “nice as pie” attitude. It is so over the top, kind of childish really, thinking they will fool people with their acting.
Originally Posted by R678
what I do know is the days I don’t have any anxiety are becoming more as 2 months ago every day was filled with anxiety now it’s not every day but it’s still there so at least I know I’m slowly getting there and not stuck in one stage .which I was getting worried about.
Don’t worry you’re not stuck.
The LBS does not complete one stage then move on to the next stage. There are many smaller items, concerns, feelings, etc... all progressing differently. They all cannot proceed together, there is just too much to accept all at once. So some things are still in denial, others are anger, and others in bargaining, depression, or acceptance. This why we cycle. Something comes up that is “new” to us, and has not been realized, and while it is dominate in your mind you are back in earlier stages.
So, what do you feel when you are not so full of anxiety? What are you thinking then?
Those moments are the building blocks for detachment, and an excellent sign of progress. Try to see, to rationalize, to understand - you are anxiety free, you are not tied to her actions or emotional state. This realizations takes time, your mind has to accept it. Just slowly and patiently “see” how you are not tied. The best progress happens when you are calm and not forcing things.
I may have mentioned this once or twice ( ). Be accurate. Seeing things accurately helps with detachment and has many other returns and benefits.
Stay strong and continue to focus on you.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
). Be accurate. Seeing things accurately helps with detachment and has many other returns and benefits.