He is definitely out to lunch. He doesn't want anything to change and wants you to stay right where you are. The man isn't capable of making any decisions and waffles on just about everything. That has to be so frustrating. Maybe he filed because he thought it was the best move for him at the time? Maybe he filed as a way to get you to back off and he could do whatever he wanted w/o feeling guilty about it. I honestly do not know, but he is one hot mess after all of this time.
Have you thought about just asking him if he wants to come home? I know you probably don't want him back, but it might shock him back to reality a bit.
I feel for you. This is just a mess and you and your children can't continue to live this way forever.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Im sorry-reading it makes me spin this is just my opinion
Sounds like he is expecting you and time to stand still- he feels safe keeping you at bay-he wont have to grieve until everyone leaves
he cant let go- and in his mind after son graduates maybe he will be able to let go BUT he cant except time is moving- he is still getting older and everyone and everything around him is changing, growing forward except him
he stands still and can make no progress, no movement. nothing
he thought upon leaving-the euphoria of freedom and OW would fuel him forever but has only lead to a living hell-because he cant move forward-
Obviously, he is not thinking clearly to advise his D to use drugs- he is most likely addicted and unable to control it and addiction only leads to disaster unless it is stopped permanently
Im sorry I don't have a solution as how you can move out of this except in energy.. you can move forward as you are by continuing to accept, take care of yourself, raise your kids and grow inwardly
I don't believe you will be M forever- meditate daily for guidance it will come clear to you-
all the best
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
You need to cut the cord so that none of his mess overlaps in to your life. Sorry for sounding harsh but he's a train-wreck and sounds completely unable to deal with reality.
Sadly it could also get worse.
Just my opinion - you're closer to this than we are.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I believe to take the tax deduction on the sale of the house he would have to have lived in the house sometime in the past 3 years? (Not completely sure about the time frame). I don't think divorced or not matters if both of your names are on the deed - it would be $500 k for a couple or $250 k each for two singles. You may want to check with an accountant on this.
OneArt... yup... I get it... if you weren’t the one living it, you’d certainly not believe it.
The comment about him and the drugs is insane. Unbelievable. We’ve talked a lot about control, and sometimes when they throw these assanine ideas out there, I do think it’s their attempt to exert control. Yup... you thought of everything One, but I’m gonna one-up you by suggesting D take these because I have all the answers and I will always know more than you. Maybe??
That, or he’s just an alien living in his Teflon coated universe where the whole world revolves around him and yet he is not responsible for anything. << oh boy can I relate to that all too well.
As I was reading your update, I actually thought of the same thing job suggested. He clearly doesn’t know what he wants, but if you ask him if he wants to come back.. you might get an idea. You likely don’t even want to put it out there, but you may find something out. I think of it like empathic listening.. even if you don’t nail it correctly, it opens the door for clearer insight. (Ie: if you were to have a dialogue with someone who was venting to you, you could say, you sound sad because x,y, z. The person could respond with a yes, I am sad or No, I’m actually angry and distressed. Either way you get a deeper clue into what someone is feeling.)
Well, that approach works with “normal” folks... not sure how that that would fly with your h.
Good luck with everything One... as always you still to eminate strength.
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
Thank you for all of your wisdom and kindness. I think the comments on this update have been the most helpful to me personally, but maybe it is just reaching a certain state of hearing what you want to hear, or being ready to hear what you are told.
I apologize for the red-herring tax discussion on the capital gain. I don't give a squat about the capital gain. I've already talked to my accountant. It is an individual thing and he wouldn't qualify. I simply used it to him as a reason to reach an agreement to sell prior to a late summer court date, and missing yet another market opportunity. If we go to trial I will be awarded the house and have to eat all the fees when it comes time to sell. I am worried about where the real estate market is heading. I did tell him that he will need to get independent tax advice on whether he qualifies since it is an individual thing. Enough about taxes.
I sent my attorney an email last night summarizing the conversation and a few of the things he said. Then I really thought about whether I could keep doing this and start over with a reluctant divorcer two and a half years from now. I can't. I wrote him an email this morning. I told him that I didn't think it was a good idea to put it off. That we would be back to the same place. I told him that I was worried about the significant change in his appearance and how all of this being unresolved was affecting his health. I told him I didn't want him to think of me as the source of strife in his life and that I want him to be happy. I told him that I really do want to sell the house and move to an apartment for son's last couple of years as I plan to leave the area as soon as he is done. I told him that I want him to come up with a set of numbers that will allay his concerns about the security of his own job and his ability to fund his own retirement. I also told him that I want us to end this in a way that will ultimately make our children proud.
In reality, I have six tough years ahead. After that, I have plenty of retirement and will have enough from the sale of the house. I will take KML's suggestion and take the pay-out of all of the equity in lieu of alimony and ask for only enough child support to get both kids through college. In theory, all of this should be good. It should get it done. But I have never believed that his reluctance has anything to do with money.
My lawyer then called me and I filled her in on what happened, and one detail I omitted in my write-up here. He was here for 3.5 hours. As he was leaving, he had to go to the kitchen to throw something away. He grabbed the island, and held onto it. He was looking across to the living room where my beautiful Christmas tree stood with the children's presents wrapped below it. To his left was the hearth with the stockings they've had their entire lives. Straight ahead of him was the amazing view we have of water, mountains, and the major city we live near. He held onto the island for what was at least two minutes, and tears rolled down his cheeks. I looked away so as not to embarrass him. He then quietly walked down the steps and left.
Before she could comment, I also told my lawyer about the email I wrote him. I told her that I need to be done, now. I told her that I don't care about the money. I have enough. I just need to be out of this situation once and for all. She told me that she was very impressed by my email to him and then sometimes people need to be lead. She said that because he was able to come to the house and look me in the eye after 1.5 years and stay as long as he did, that she is more hopeful that we can reach a "normal" resolution. She reminded me that I have always been his rock. I have always made the big decisions, until not long ago, I made the money. I carried the burden of our family's success. Not only does he have that burden now for our family, he has it for OW2 and her 3 children as well. I told her about the crazy, all the lies (there were much more of each than what I documented). She said with my willingness to leave the house and take significantly cheaper lodgings, that this might be the catalyst to free him.
I will say Job, that part of what I said to him was that I had tried to be strong for the children and for him. That I had hoped that he would work through the things he was going through, and that I realized that maybe, the person he is now, is the real person. I told him that was OK. What mattered is that he is happy with who he is, how he conducts himself, and how he treats others. I told him I wanted him to be his authentic self, even if that person was someone very unlike the person I knew. I feel that this was as much as I could say to let him know that I had been willing to forgive. I know how you always say they want us to approve of who they are and their choices, and I tried very hard to do that.
My lawyer and I agreed that I probably won't hear from him for some time. That he will have to think through and process what I have said. I will leave him to it. We have an administrative deadline coming up in the divorce, but after that a few months to the trial.
While I wrote what I hoped would perhaps push him along, I said only things that I genuinely felt. I told him that I love him and that it hurts me to see his hurt. I told him that I am scrappy, and that even if things are difficult at times, that I will thrive and that he need not worry about me. I told him that I wanted to leave our marriage with kindness, civility and grace and with respect to all that we had accomplished together. I told him that I could not remain married to another woman's boyfriend and that his OW2 (I used her name) and her children deserved more than that too. I asked him to contact me when he was ready to talk.
All I hear is forgiveness and acceptance and you are clearly setting him free seems like the cord is cut on your end-
I sincerely hope this will become an gentle process for you and your kids because all your work is clearly done to this point of letting go- and that the universe will continue to open doors to accomplish your D and set you free to really move on from this phase of your life-
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
I have no real advice, but I do second what peace said about focusing on it.
Best wishes
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
I am so proud of you. You have shown acceptance of how the situation is and the forgiveness rings very true throughout your posting.
he tree, the stockings, the gifts and looking out across the landscape. The tears he had were genuine and now he's realizing what he has lost. He may eventually tell you how he felt standing there, but it may not happen for a while.
You have done everything possible to support your h and your marriage, but it's time to start a new chapter in your life and I hope and pray that he will now realize it is time to set you and your family free.
Merry Christmas to you and your family. My wish for the new year for you is that you finally get the peace and happiness you so richly deserve.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
