My husband and I have been together for 20 years (college sweethearts) and married for 15. We have 2 boys, ages 9 and 7. My husband turned 40 this past year and he became increasingly withdrawn over the course of the year. He didn’t want to talk to me and was often negative and irritable. He also started working out at the gym 7 days a week, eating a restrictive training diet and participating in a number of running/obstacle/fitness races. While he has always been interested in fitness and racing this was at a much higher level. Over the summer he became incredibly secretive with his phone. He changed his password from our common family password and will not be without his phone at any time. I believe he is having an affair although I have no actual proof.
At the beginning of November my husband told me that he and I have “nothing in common.” That he has never been his “true self" at any time in our relationship and that he needs “freedom and independence.” He then moved out into the guest room. I read Divorce Busting right after this and have not initiated any relationship talks, given him lots of space and not called/emailed/ texted anything unless it was related to the kids. Still, my husband seems constantly infuriated with me. It’s like the fact that I exist is infuriating. He won’t make eye contact with me and will leave a room if I am present. He will not speak to me unless spoken to and then he will answer my question with a single word. Last week, my husband broke his silence and told me that he wants a legal separation and immediately started talking about kids visitation, finances, selling the house, etc. I told him that I believe in our marriage and family but I know that I cannot keep him if he wants to go. I did ask him if he would attend marriage counseling to be absolutely certain that every option has been exercised and because we need to understand the impact of him leaving on the kids. He agreed but said “it won’t change my mind.”
It seems to me that my husband is having a midlife crisis (though I guess I cannot be sure). Everything I read suggests that, if this is the case, it’s his journey and there is not much I can do. I absolutely want to save my marriage and keep our family together. Support, advice and experience are all welcome. Thank you.
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
I will offer advice but it is nothing compared to what the "regulars" of this board can tell you. They are saints and much more experienced with this type of thing. I am in a similar situation with my wife since July, to which yours sound similar. I will share what I have been told.
Understand This is not your fault. It is difficult to grasp but true. You did not break him so you cannot fix him. He will say things that blame you for everything and point out your character flaws. You may even get blamed for the color of the sky on any particular day. The best action is to deflect and not let him see it visibly get to you. Go in another room and unleash if you need to. Do not argue or even acknowledge the daggers he throws. Try and give an empathetic response when a bold statement is made (like "I love you but not in love with you"). Examples are "That must be difficult for you" or "That must hurt inside." NEVER give a rational answer to an irrational statement. Use the above technique.
There will be good and bad days for each of you. Do NOT let his moods/actions control yours. I let that happen to me for far too long. It takes time but you will get there. If you do let it get to you, they will continue indefinitely. Think of him as a teenager, which is where his mindset may be. Any statements that are contrary to his wishes right now will be met with intense lashing out (which is what a teenager would do).
If it is true MLC, he realizes what he is doing but buried so deep in his brain, which is flooded with new ideas/adventures/thoughts that it will not bee seen until the awakening, which can take a very long time.
Write down your boundaries for what you want with regards to behaviors, conversations, actions and anything else that is important to you. Keep it handy and you don't necessarily need to share it with him. There is a good thread regarding boundaries somewhere on this site.
Do for you. For yourself, exercise, eat right, get in shape and dress nice-even if just going to the store. It will help you feel better and will prepare you for whatever happens in the future. Find a new hobby and channel that negative energy there.
Pleas keep us filled in, there is an outstanding community here.
sorry you find yourself here but welcome to the board- it is most helpful here
Hamburg gave some great tools for you to use
I could really relate to you and remember my XH doing some similar things leaving the room when I walked in, getting fit, dying his hair, new clothes, being secretive, getting a motorcycle and staying out till all hours of the night while still living here in our home
You are right there is nothing much that can be done.. He has to figure things out-some will- many will not
please protect the credit cards, the bank accounts and watch finances carefully they have little restraint and regard for money and spend like mad some go into debt
Many will have affair partners usually a person who is addicted or has serious issues they sometimes pick younger, a person with issues, psych problems ect. women they can rescue-
some things that helped me cope were taking good care of me getting and using a support group and therapist
we also tried M counseling and mine said the same that it would not help, and he was right--it did no good sometimes a therapist may not understand MLC and encourage a Divorce
You may want to do a few consultations alone with therapist to see if they can be on the same page as you don't let him pick the therapist- they will choose one that will validate their cause
last thing for now keep your kids safe- the MLCEr becomes a careless parent and some get worse b4 better-
its a long road keep posting and reading
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Hi Kate. Sorry you find yourself here but also glad you found us. I know I would be doing so much worse if I hadn’t found this board. Re: MC. Honestly... I would skip it for now. MC only really works if both people are going with the same goal in mind. Your H has clearly said it won’t work. I’d believe him. He is not in the frame of mind for it to work. He will only go to prove to you it is a pointless endeavour and you will have wasted your money and time. It could also make things worse and give him more resolve to continue down the path he has started on.
My best advice would be to do what everyone on here will advise you to do. GAL...DB... for you. Steer clear of R talks and do your 180s. Figure out your part in all of this and try to change those things. Act “as if”. Your H is still in the home so you have a great opportunity here to turn things around. My H was gone before I even knew what was happening so I didn’t get that chance. Take advantage. Let him go. Stop pursuing him (even in subtle ways) as it will force him to double down on his position. I know it is hard. I know everything in you wants to hang on and convince him he isn’t seeing things clearly. He thinks he is and you telling him the opposite will only make him more sure. I wish I had had this information in the beginning...things might be different. Heed the advice on here and try your very best to put it into action.
Very difficult to go through this at any time of year let alone the holidays. Sending you lots of (((Hugs))). Good luck!!!
I am really sorry that you are here but you have come to the right place.
I think you should request to have your post moved to the new comers board as there is more traffic over there. Everyone in the beginning believes their spouse is going through MLC.
Based on your post it is most likely your husband is having an affair. Most likely with the someone he works out with hence the quote "we have nothing in common".
MC is a waste of time when one of the parties is in an affair. You can attend MC down the road if and when he comes around.
The only thing you can do is work on yourself right now and become the best Kate you can be.
