Still here. Still not detached... (Part 3)

[Chris73]

Worried about how she'll react is NGS, not "but also". Non-NGS is: however she reacts, I'll handle it.

Gotta tell ya, this really hit home with me over the weekend. And it's slowing becoming my mantra.

This type of thinking is very difficult to adopt for me as I am ALWAYS concerned with how other people will react to my behavior. NGS 101 right? But the more I practice it, the more I realize how simple it is. And this statement really nails it: "However she reacts, I'll handle it." I LOVE this.

For the past 2 years every conversation with my ex has been difficult, but especially so after she moved out last Jan. Since then neither of us has uttered a word about the problems in our relationship or trying to work things out. But I still agonize about our interactions. It's such a fine line between being cold and being detached, but I'm getting better.

It's pretty easy if the conversation is administrative (shared costs, kid schedules, etc.), but sometimes she'll send me a picture of the kids doing something funny or cute and it's tough to know how to respond to those. Even harder is when the kids do something funny or cute when they're with me. Lately I've been keeping these to myself and not sharing them with her, but I feel kinda $hitty about it.

I suppose part of the problem is that I still think about her a lot. I can't fight those feelings, but I'm getting better at how I react to them. And lately I've gotten to the point where I rarely share anything with her anymore.

[harvey]

I suppose part of the problem is that I still think about her a lot. I can't fight those feelings, but I'm getting better at how I react to them. And lately I've gotten to the point where I rarely share anything with her anymore.

I think this is the way to go to detach. It's why I quit FB. Otherwise, it becomes a tit for tat of showing her hoq much fun the kids have with you. That makes it hard to detach. Now, I keep things to myself. Those moments are for me and my girls. She fired me as her husband, so she doesn't get to enjoy those moments.

[Chris73]

Wow, that was fun... (he says with the most amount of sarcasm he can muster).

My ex and I have been going to therapy monthly since July. I really don't know what to call the therapy. It's not marriage counseling because we don't talk about our relationship. It's not really family therapy either because our kids do not get involved in the discussion. At the beginning of the year, I was insistent that we continue our discussion about how to work together to ensure that the negative impact of the separation on the kids was minimal. In hindsight that wasn't the only reason.

Frankly, the thought of trying to keep my cool, validate her feelings, and still enforce my own boundaries in our post-separation discussions scared the h3ll out of me. My ex is an expert arguer. She finds exactly the right words at the right time to get her point across. This doesn't mesh well with my NGS and there weren't many fights during our relationship for this reason. I always felt intimidated. I would always think of the best things to say hours after the conversation was over. I would always cave and say, "you're right" out of guilt or simply because I wanted everything to smooth over quickly.

Because of all this, I sought the help of a moderator in the form of a marriage and family counselor. I know that my ex thought it was an unnecessary burden to attend these sessions. But to her credit, she attended them all regardless. The majority of the discussions centered around S10 and his issues adjusting to the split. D7 really hasn't shown any signs of stress, but S10 has some anxiety issues and I think pressures with school and friends were heightened because of the home life transitions.

Today was our last session of the year. My ex and I have made good progress with being able to support our kids emotionally from both sides and our communication is pretty good for the most part. Because of this, the therapist suggested that we come back in 8-10 weeks for a check-in.

But before the session ended, I said, "The one thing that I would like to bring up is that I think it's time we finalized our divorce. We've been separated for over 2 years and I would really like to get some closure on this." After this I added, "We've have done a great job so far with agreeing on how to split up the assets and custody, so I didn't want to just surprise you with papers in the mail. I thought we should start talking about it together."

I don't think my ex was prepared to hear this because the tears started almost immediately. The therapist pressed her for why she was upset. To which she responded that she is afraid of losing her health insurance.

Now, this was a PERFECT opportunity for my NGS to take over and say something like, "Well, I'd be ok with giving you some extra money to offset the cost." But I didn't. I just sat there and let her cry. I have no doubt that when the time comes she will ask for money. And that will be the time for me to think about how to respond.

Maybe there was more to her tears than just fear of losing health insurance. But I don't think it's regret. It's probably just the idea that the stop sign up ahead is finally visible in the distance, and it's a scary sight. Regardless, I didn't falter or waver and we agreed to revisit the discussion after the new year.

I wonder how long she would have continued to stay (lawfully) married to me if I didn't push for a divorce? With OM as a pretty regular fixture in her life, why wouldn't she want to move on like I do? Actually even more so than I do...?

Have to admit that I left the session feeling a little empowered. The idea of having that discussion 2 years ago made me want to vomit. Funny how time changes everything...

[LH19]

C: Wife why are you crying? Is it because you are responsible for the destruction of your family?

W: No it's because I won't have any health insurance. wahwahwahwah

Unbelievable!

[Chris73]

C: Wife why are you crying? Is it because you are responsible for the destruction of your family?

W: No it's because I won't have any health insurance. wahwahwahwah

Unbelievable!

To be fair, "partly" responsible. But the decision to give up and leave was all her.

It reminds me of the things I've read on these boards about the WW being selfish. I understand why, but it's odd to think that this wayward mindset is still dominating her emotions over 2 years later... and with a new man to boot.

[ovrrnbw]

I can't wait for her "relationship", if you can even call it that, to collapse after your divorce. She is out there. I'm so glad you didn't NGS her when she cried. She looks pathetic.

I hope you get what you are looking for.

[Chris73]

Happy New Year everyone!

Yesterday was the 1 year anniversary of my wife moving out of our house. She had asked me to take the kids to my mom's for the entire weekend so that she could move everything out. When we returned home that Sunday night it felt like we had been robbed. I sometimes worry about the impact that this memory will have on my kids. It wasn't like their mother had run off without a word, but I still think coming home to the only house you've ever known and finding your mother gone (and her stuff gone) is traumatic. Time will tell.

...just felt the need to observe this anniversary with the folks who would understand.

[doodler]

Below is an excerpt from the forward of a book. The last name of the author of the book is something like Miller.

“The kids will get over it.” So say the experts and cheerleaders for divorce. On that basis, many parents end perfectly good marriages that could have been saved with some effort.

Sustaining the Divorce Ideology requires that people don’t ask too many questions or voice too many objections. According to the Divorce Ideology, no-fault divorce just means that two adults who agree to divorce do not have to go through the elaborate charade of claiming that one part committed adultery.

In reality, many divorces take place against the will of one of the parties. The law takes sides with the party who wants the marriage the least, even if that person has committed adultery. That is how no-fault divorce demolished the presumption that marriage is permanent – it also smashed the presumption that marriage is sexually exclusive.

I totally agree with the statement that the law takes sides with the party who wants the marriage least. What really distressed me about the law is, although my sons where 11 and 13 at the time of the divorce (and about to turn 12 and 14), no one in the court system was willing to listen to my sons’ input regarding custody arrangements. I was given a variety of excuses, the most often repeated excuse was “they’ve found that the children need both parents.” I don’t disagree, but that doesn’t mean the children want a 50-50 split in parental time. My sons wanted, and still want, to stay “at home” with dad.

[ovrrnbw]

Below is an excerpt from the forward of a book. The last name of the author of the book is something like Miller.

“The kids will get over it.” So say the experts and cheerleaders for divorce. On that basis, many parents end perfectly good marriages that could have been saved with some effort.

Sustaining the Divorce Ideology requires that people don’t ask too many questions or voice too many objections. According to the Divorce Ideology, no-fault divorce just means that two adults who agree to divorce do not have to go through the elaborate charade of claiming that one part committed adultery.

In reality, many divorces take place against the will of one of the parties. The law takes sides with the party who wants the marriage the least, even if that person has committed adultery. That is how no-fault divorce demolished the presumption that marriage is permanent – it also smashed the presumption that marriage is sexually exclusive.

I totally agree with the statement that the law takes sides with the party who wants the marriage least. What really distressed me about the law is, although my sons where 11 and 13 at the time of the divorce (and about to turn 12 and 14), no one in the court system was willing to listen to my sons’ input regarding custody arrangements. I was given a variety of excuses, the most often repeated excuse was “they’ve found that the children need both parents.” I don’t disagree, but that doesn’t mean the children want a 50-50 split in parental time. My sons wanted, and still want, to stay “at home” with dad.

I guess we'll chalk this up to the decline in the moral fabric of society.

As for the kids, they can go where the want in my state, and no court can force them to do anything. At least that's how it was when my parents divorced 16 years ago. That excuse you posted is quite hilarious. I don't know that there's a better system out their, but our system sure could be improved.

[Chris73]

Thanks doodler. Found the book. Don’t think I have the stomach to read it tho...