Advice for newcomer pre- bomb drop.

[Bern19]

The PI is just so I have the facts. If you've never dealt with someone that will lie to you, even though you know the truth, you might not understand. It's only about having the info I need. I've "jumped the gun" confronting her so many times over the past 3 years with partial information only to have her come up with some "semi-plausible" explanation that I can't refute because I don't have all the facts. I'm done with that type of confrontation. I've made it this far, I can hold on for a few more days till I have what I need to be comfortable moving on. Maybe your a different type, one that could move on without the facts. I am not that person. Thanks for your post.

[ovrrnbw]

Bern,
What are your plans with all this info. Why spend the money on a PI? You already know she's lying. Does it really matter why she's lying? You are letting her cake eat. I would be confronting her now about her lies. Cuddling at night time, telling her about her day and holding your hand, why are you putting yourself through this?

Confronting will do nothing. You have to take action to reaffirm your boundaries on your spouse seeing other people. Simply confronting says "I know you're doing this and I'm not doing anything about it".

[RyanHun]

Ovr,
That's why I included the part about the cuddling, hand holding etc. Would it not make sense just to let her know that you are aware of the ongoing lies and remove yourself from that situation?

[Bern19]

Confronting will do nothing. You have to take action to reaffirm your boundaries on your spouse seeing other people. Simply confronting says "I know you're doing this and I'm not doing anything about it".

Yes, I know confronting will do nothing, but I do still want the facts. Maybe you weren't dealing with someone as manipulative as I am? The only way this can go down without a confrontation is if I leave my home. I don't want to leave my home. If she wants to be with someone else, then she needs to go live with someone else. I'd rather sit her down and explain that I know she's lying to me and have the facts to back it up. I've already verbalized the boundary that I will not share any part of her with him. Not as friends, text buddy's, or lovers. Even if she's just talking to him, she's lying to me. I explained that is a deal breaker for me. She is aware of that. I would tell her that until she is prepared to stop with all the lies and betrayal, she needs to go. ... but first I need the facts. If you don't understand that, i get it. We are all different people. That is just something I need for me. I have no problem taking a 2x4 to the face to get my attention, but when it's something I know that I need, i'm going to stick to that.

[Bern19]

Sorry if that came across too aggressive... I know you guys are here to help, I just know that this is the way I need to handle the process. I've noticed that some people are often great at suggesting you run right out and "dump the whore" or "kick her to the curb". I know that's not what you were doing, but I have no desire to hurt my wife. I just want to make it clear to her that I won't tolerate her behavior any more. She is free to do whatever she likes, but not if those things cross my boundaries. Talking, seeing, screwing the OM crosses a clear boundary that I set. That comes with a consequence... either she leaves or I guess I have to. What really [censored] is even though she is the one looking outside the marriage, I can't make her leave. If she won't go, and I can't be with her because of her actions, then I guess i have to leave.... her being out of the home over christmas sounds much better than me being out of my house for christmas. Any suggestions on how to get her to leave?

[RyanHun]

Bern,
My apologies for not getting my thoughts across clearer. I think you are handling things perfectly. My intention wasn't to come across as mean and vindictive towards W, it was more about you but sounds like you have things covered. All you can do is stick to your boundary. I wish I had some advice for you on how to get her to leave as I'm in the same boat, but she refuses. I was lucky that I managed a bit of free time since her parents went away and she lived over there. I am dreading the 17th as she mentioned she is returning home. I don't really think there is anything you can do except try and make the best of the IHS.

[Bern19]

Ryan, I appreciate that. I don’t really feel like I have things under control. I’m just learning how to let go of the rope as it were. I really don’t think I’d be able to handle the IHS. How does that work? Can you give me some pointers on how you interact. Does she still sleep in your bed? I know the time is near when I get to make a demand that I can live with. I just doubt she’ll pack up and leave... thanks again.

[Wanted1]

Dude, you are a better man than I am. There’s no way I could cuddle and hold hands with my W when I knew she was doing as you suspect. I’m not patient enough to handle that....Probably part of the reason I haven’t seen any improvement in my situation!

I’m with you though, I need facts too. Not knowing the truth drives me absolutely nuts.

I’m curious what the PI finds so update us! Stay strong!

[Bern19]

I guess you can't really call it cuddling... She puts her hand on my arm and pulls my hand up on her knee. Nothing to write home about. Of course I would have killed for her touch 3 months ago...

I heard back from one PI, but his retainer is out of sight. Tried explaining my sitch and that it would only be 2-5 hours of surveillance, tops. Hard to justify $500/hour....

I want to get this over with as soon as possible so we can figure out how to move on. The longer it takes, the closer we get to christmas and I don't want to dump this on my kids too close to the holiday.

[Wanted1]

I guess you can't really call it cuddling... She puts her hand on my arm and pulls my hand up on her knee. Nothing to write home about. Of course I would have killed for her touch 3 months ago...

I heard back from one PI, but his retainer is out of sight. Tried explaining my sitch and that it would only be 2-5 hours of surveillance, tops. Hard to justify $500/hour....

I want to get this over with as soon as possible so we can figure out how to move on. The longer it takes, the closer we get to christmas and I don't want to dump this on my kids too close to the holiday.

Good god. I should maybe consider a career change and I'm an attorney......

Maybe you should do a little of your own investigative work? Put some type of a recording device in her car? I remember reading a thread on here that someone did that.