J9, You are a great dad, and your kids are lucky to have you in their lives. You have a lot of reasons to be proud of yourself in the way you handled your D. It will be interesting the first time you meet XW's boyfriend, but I'm sure you will handle it in the same respectful and honorable way you have done everything. Dating can suck. No doubt about it. But it can also be fun. Kids sure do add another dimension from what I was used to!
Thanks Jim.....I don't worry too much about it any more. It was hard taking the high road early on because all you want to do is punish them for what they did but with hindsight it was absolutely the right thing to do. Once the emotions stabilize it becomes very clear.
I don't worry too much about her BF any more. I am sure it will still be a little tough if/when I meet him for the first time but I think I am about 90% detached from the situation. I know I am not completely out of the woods yet but I am getting close. I think once I see her with another man, maybe kiss him, holding his hand or whatever that will help the last domino fall into place. Really as long as he is good to my girls that is the most important thing.
I think you handled yourself well in your most recent communication with your wife. From an outsider looking in, based on what you type, it really does appear that it is her bag of monkeys. I think cutting her off from being her errand boy, maintenance man and appointment maker is the right thing to do for yourself at this juncture. Maybe you can re-engage later down the road once you feel like your in a good place.
J9, it just seems like when we're "done", here comes another hurtle. We're done with the separation agreement, oh, except she wants alimony still if she moves in with someone.... your divorce is final, but then you have to see her with b/f for the first time..... all while trying, but not quite fully detached. I think you are doing a great job, and keeping things in perspective.
We were texting back and forth yesterday trying to figure out a way to get s18 back to college, and she drops one text that says she'll go with my requests for the separation agreement, but has some things to check with her lawyer. I don't know what that means. I hope she's given up her demand to continue to receive alimony if she moves in with someone or remarries. I'll email her later and ask for clarification, but other than that, the texts were polite, constructive and pleasant.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
Your situation is pretty amusing. Your wife definitely takes her time deciding things. It seems so unfair that she even wants alimony at all considering she's leaving you. You're also paying for a lot for your kids. It seems like you're generous and fair so your wife needs to appreciate all that you've already agreed to offer!
Jim, your sitch is in a state where every one reaches eventually I guess. Pleasant, non adversarial but your W seems full of guilt and confusion. You being so calm and centered I am sure is throwing her off balance but its her problem. Knowing that you stood for your MR, owned your mistakes, did everything you could to save the MR and family for your S must make you peaceful at the same time these are exactly the things your W did not do so she has to bear this burden. Continue being strong, good luck
Nicole and Sia, thanks for your support. I feel like I've done what I can, and I feel about as good as I can about how I've handled myself. Not perfect, but I've done pretty well, I think.
As an update, Monday, S18 was supposed to go back to college. W cancelled his return flight thinking we could get him back to school another way much cheaper. Under the circumstances, I would have done the same thing. It didn't pan out, and when the weather imploded in Chicago Monday morning, the cheapest we could get him a ticket was for about $800. We worked together pretty well, found a much cheaper option flying from a secondary airport quite a distance away, and I spent about 6 hours driving back and forth and waiting with him. Totally worth it. Enjoyed my time with S18.
When I picked him up at W's though, I told both W and D17 that I didn't want D17 driving the car I bought for her birthday back and forth to school until she had a little more practice and experience. The new plates came in yesterday, so today I texted W to let her know I was going to drive over to her house and change the plates. She texted back that D17 took the car to school. W said she could. I called her, and while I know my voice was a little louder than it probably should have been, I was able to talk calmly and rationally. At least I think I was calm and rational. W might disagree. In the end, we disagree about whether D17 should be allowed to drive to school, but W acknowledged she had no right to tell D17 she could drive my car to school. I asked W to let me know when D17 was home, so I could come and get my car. D17 came by with it, we had a talk about how I thought she needed more experience, and how I didn't appreciate D17 playing W and me against each other. D17 got out at W's, gave me a hug, and wished me a good weekend.
Also, while we were texting back and forth about flight options for S18, she slipped one in saying she'd accept my proposed changes to the separation agreement. I didn't ask her about it until today, but she asked for 24 hours to decide whether she should use the QDRO money to buy her house outright, or refinance. This was right after our talk about the car, and very casual. Apparently she even accepts that I won't continue to pay alimony if she moves in with someone. So I hope tomorrow afternoon I can sign the separation agreement.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
It’s true Jim there is one hurdle after another it does seem to come in waves. I remember early on processing her moving out, then processing her dating, then processing our first holiday not as a family, then processing her selling the engagement ring, then processing separating our finances, then processing meeting with the L, then processing standing in front of the judge, then her telling me she has a BF....etc. I will say though as you get more detached each domino falling becomes easier. Outside of BD the hardest one for me to accept and process was my daughters meeting her BF. They never talk about him but that was a real hard one to accept.
My X also wanted to be friendly with me.....she didn’t tell me about her BF until after I helped her move from her apt into her condo. That was a kick in the nuts. I did tell after I moved her in that I was done being her maintenance man, etc. which was hard to do at first but after I communicated that to her I did feel a sense of relief.
My w ended up using her portion of our home equity and taking out half of her 401k proceeds through the QDRO to use a down payment and get herself set up. Oh and to buy new boobs as well
I also think it is fairly common for alimony to not be paid if they get married or live with another person. I have a friend who is D and that is in his decree for his XW as well.
FWIW I think you have done a great job and have lovingly detached in an appropriate way. Hang in there!!!!
It’s true Jim there is one hurdle after another it does seem to come in waves. I remember early on processing her moving out, then processing her dating, then processing our first holiday not as a family, then processing her selling the engagement ring, then processing separating our finances, then processing meeting with the L, then processing standing in front of the judge, then her telling me she has a BF....etc. I will say though as you get more detached each domino falling becomes easier. Outside of BD the hardest one for me to accept and process was my daughters meeting her BF. They never talk about him but that was a real hard one to accept.
My X also wanted to be friendly with me.....she didn’t tell me about her BF until after I helped her move from her apt into her condo. That was a kick in the nuts. I did tell after I moved her in that I was done being her maintenance man, etc. which was hard to do at first but after I communicated that to her I did feel a sense of relief.
My w ended up using her portion of our home equity and taking out half of her 401k proceeds through the QDRO to use a down payment and get herself set up. Oh and to buy new boobs as well
I also think it is fairly common for alimony to not be paid if they get married or live with another person. I have a friend who is D and that is in his decree for his XW as well.
FWIW I think you have done a great job and have lovingly detached in an appropriate way. Hang in there!!!!
Thanks. I haven't been through the boyfriend issue yet. I can't really imagine that at this point. Hope I never have to, but I suspect it will become a thing at some point. That was pretty ballsy of your ex to get you to help move and then tell you about the BF. I feel good about having told her I can't be her friend, and arrange her appointments. Like you said, a sense of relief.
Still waiting on her decision as to how she's going to get my name off her house. Last Wednesday, she said she'd have an answer for me in 24 hours, but here we are, almost a week later. I texted this morning and asked "what's up with the QDRO? I'd really like to get this done." She promised she'd address it with her lawyer and get back to me....
BTW she accepted that she won't get alimony if she moves in or remarries, so we're in complete agreement; she just needs to tell me what she wants to do with the QDRO so we can get the wording into the Separation Agreement.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
That all sounds like progress. You are an expert by now on all aspects of the divorce process. Somehow, of all the walkaway spouses we hear about on this forum, your wife sounds the least likely to join the dating pool and move in with someone but I guess at some point everyone gets tired of being alone. I hope the last part of the separation agreement can get in place soon for you.
