This weekend is pretty much my first weekend without the kids when I will be at home. Fortunately, I have lots of things to do so I won't have to dwell on it too much. Trying to imagine what it would be like to only have them 50% of the time. It is unimaginable at this point.
I remember this. The thought of them being a family without me. I use to try and fill my time with things so I wouldn’t have to think about it, but once I was alone it would hit. I do not think about it anymore (as it turns out we do more “family” things then we ever did before). So, stop forecasting DJ. You don’t know what the future holds. Take it one day at a time. When the thoughts hit, acknowlege them, then move on. Enjoy your freedom. Use the time to rediscover you. As the infinitely wise Yoda says - “Do or do not. There is no try” (and yes, all my quotes are from Star Wars).
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
I picked up my kids from school today and the first thing they said was that they didn’t want to go to dad’s. Great. What am I supposed to do about that? So I just told them that I understood it was a change and that sometimes things can’t be exactly the way you would like them to be. I told them I think it is important they have some time with their dad and that they could call me anytime they want if they miss me. I also told them not to worry about hurting mom and dad’s feelings and that we always want to know how they feel and encouraged them to talk to daddy too. I hope that was the right thing. Pretty hard to feel like you are doing the right thing when the situation itself is just so wrong.
You handled it perfectly. As parents we have to put our own feelings (abondonment, rejection etc) aside and try to make things ok for our children. This is what it means to be a parent. Your kids will be the better for it.
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
I was home today when my H was here getting the kids ready to go. He seems so normal it is really irritating. Like he doesn’t have a care in the world. Moments of awkward silences that were never there before.
It is an act. He too is trying to keep things in an even keel for the kids. It is not to hurt you. What would the alternative have been - he was angry when he came to pick them up, he was sulky and cold or what if he was overly affectionate? Which version would not have hurt?? They all would have and they all would have sent you spinning. Keep going. One day you will realise that it doesn’t matter which version of him turns up at the door.
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Had a bit of a cry when my kids left. It is difficult to let them go.
I know hun, but you are not letting them go. They are still your kids. You are still there mom. They will always love you because you are awesome. You might not be his W but you will always be there mom.
Thank you Adam and FS. FS...we are soooo alike!!! I use that Yoda quote all the time...especially when I have a teenage client in front of me telling me they will “try’ to follow my advice...lol. Most of my quotes, and my H’s, are from Star Wars. We are both big fans.
I was reading Happy Again’s posts that Cadet just put up. Wow. Honestly, my H could have written that. Maybe not the part about his W checking his phone bills and such... that was never me. But the other stuff for sure. I think that is how he sees me. I also think that he thinks too much has happened for him to ever return even IF he started to feel differently towards me. He would not believe there would come a time when I would not remind him of the past in order to have one over on him. Forgiveness does not come easy to him...if at all. He hangs onto things forever. It was really interesting to read Happy Again’s thought process... how sure he was at the beginning that he was doing the right thing and then slowly, but surely, doubts beginning to creep in. Ultimately, he reconciled with his wife who he literally almost hated at the beginning and became happy again. Love the happy ending!!!
Trying to imagine what it would be like to only have them 50% of the time. It is unimaginable at this point. It seems so unfair that my H decided to blow up our lives without so much as a "Hey, DV6...we're in trouble here..." and now we all have to just accept it and go along with what he wants...at least that is how he sees it. I think the thing I am still bothered by is the mountain of lies I know he has been telling me for the past four years. Trying to replay things in my mind and wondering what memories are true and what ones are not. It is crazy-making, I know. If we sat down and I asked him to answer all of my questions truthfully, would he? Does he even know the difference between a truth and a lie at this point? He thinks that by moving away from all of the devastation he has caused and trying to be a good dad from here on out, he will somehow absolve himself of everything and not have to face up to his actions? Like he just gets a free pass? This stuff went on for four YEARS...not four months or four weeks. YEARS!!! How do I reconcile that? How does he? Did he ever really love me? Is he even capable of ever really loving someone? Am I just relegated to accepting status quo without ever having any answers? There is that sick feeling again...
Same for me the moment. I found out that my W inherited a lot of money 4 years ago and never told me. Bought a house 2 years ago and never told me. I've got 50/50 of the kids at the moment but have found out they will go to live with W. W tells lies constantly and plays at being a victim. People believe her. I have to see her soon for an exchange of the kids in a public place.
Wow... she is pretty good at hiding things. How could she buy a house without her H knowing. Bizarre. And this was four years ago? So she has been making plans for a very long time. Yikes. Sorry about the public exchange. Hard to believe that we can get to this place with someone we loved, isn’t it? (((David)))
Today is an okay day. I miss my kids but I’m keeping busy. Slept in today... 7 a.m. is sleeping in for me...lol. Made some coffee and then took my time getting out of bed. My sister came over and she and I went to the music store. I finally bought my guitar!!! It is beautiful. Spent a bit more than I wanted to but told myself I deserve it. Can’t wait to get started. After the music store, my sister and went to a birthday open house of a client of hers who is close to our age and really nice. Her husband gave us an impromptu concert. Wow. Hidden talents. The man sings like a professional tenor. Very cool. Started to feel a bit anxious after a couple of hours. All of the people there were married and most were with their spouses. Found myself wondering what it was about them that made their husbands want to stay with them. Stupid, I know. My H leaving is all about him. Still...part of me feels broken somehow. Anyway....I started to feel anxious so my sister and I left shortly after. Now I’m at home watching a movie with her and later on her H is coming over and the three of us and my MIL are going to have dinner together.
Tomorrow is my meet-up walk/hike. So far 14 people have signed up to go. Looking forward to meeting some new people and expanding my social circle.
More journaling... Got all the lights on our tree with the help of my sister and my BIL. Texted my D10 that the lights were up and I am waiting on her to decorate. She is so excited. She had to run because it was time to eat dinner. A big wave of sadness hit me... I am not supposed to be without my family on the weekends. I am so mad at my H in these moments. The four of us should be at home, decorating for Christmas and instead, I am here and they are there with him. I am not part of it. I guess you could say the same about him when they are with me but it is different. He chose this. I did not. I am not the one who ran away and took every step he could to destroy our marriage and did not take one step towards improving it. I was so desperately lonely and sad in those years but I never told him. I never told him because i didn’t want to burden him. I didn’t want him to feel any worse than he did battling his “illness”. And now he does this? It is still incomprehensible to me. I couldn’t treat my worst enemy like this let alone the person I loved enough to marry and have children with. And he just tosses it aside in search of this elusive happiness that he will never find as long as he continues to look for it outside of himself. Sigh... trying not to spiral here. Just really missing my family...my life. Tomorrow is another day. (((HUGS))) to you all. XO
Today is an okay day. I miss my kids but I’m keeping busy. Slept in today... 7 a.m. is sleeping in for me...lol. Made some coffee and then took my time getting out of bed.
it's 11pm right now and I kinda feel like making another cup of coffee for the night. W took S6 to BIL house for play date with his cousin. Thought crossed my mind that W would use this time to do whatever but that's wasted energy. I have my S10 here and all he does is play video games. We looked at movies to go watch but nothing good is on that he would like. There were at least two I would have wanted to see but oh no, he is too grown for them.
W musta felt I was thinking about her and FacedTime my older son, she is laying on mat at BIL with the two kids with her on the mattress playing, she was saying good night.
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
Got all the lights on our tree with the help of my sister and my BIL. Texted my D10 that the lights were up and I am waiting on her to decorate. She is so excited.
Cherish the times you have. You two will have so much fun. This year my two boys helped me put lights up and we had a good time. I remember it got cold and the little one was mad at his brother over something silly. S6 just lost both his front teeth so I'm looking forward to taking his new pix for Christmas postcards.
You really owe it to yourself to replace thoughts of him with something else, but I know that is not easy because it's not just him, it's the family. Wish there was a magic wand to wave and make it all go away or BOP him upside the head with it a couple times and knock some sense into him for you.
Have fun on the hike, go out there and meet them people.
H 49 , W 47 T 23, M 17 S11, S5 BD: 7/18 IHS: 7/18 - 3/19 Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19 Piecing: 4/19 - Current
