I am so very happy for you. You fought hard for your marriage. You listened to the advice and took what you needed to assist you along the way. Your posting are giving the posters hope for a brighter future, i.e., whether their spouses return or not.
Continue as you have been. He's still got some healing to do...but when he's finished w/his healing, he will be a more mature man and your new marriage should be better than ever...whatever you do, do not fall back into the old ways. This marriage will be so different because you both will have learned a lot about yourselves.
Please keep posting. Posters need to read about success stories in the making.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Job is right. It is important for those struggling to see turnarounds are possible.
I have a question for you, though I would also like Job's thoughts:
On this site there are countless stories of temporary turnarounds which explode or gradually disintegrate recreating a WAS and a LBS. I have no reason to believe your fresh start is not going to last, but having been through the mill for a few years I am not sure that I would 100% trust a turnabout. For reconciliation to occur we need to drop such defenses but I imagine that can't have been easy nor evident. I was wondering if you and Job could share your thoughts on this?
I have one other observation. For me I prefer that your H is coming around very gradually. Sudden changes are rarely true. Again just my personal opinion.
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
Gosh.....I don’t want to appear thick, but I’m not sure what your question is?
I know my sitch is the exception rather than the rule on here but I honestly believe, from the very beginning I witnessed my H breakdown.
I think if I’m to simplify matters, he basically reached a point where he needed a break from being him. To the point he used a different name while he live his other life.
He took a year after learning about my breast cancer diagnosis (which he admits shook him to make contact) to actually come home.
And also by his own admission didn’t know if or when he would have if I hadn’t been diagnosed. That is why my mantra has always been....things happen for a reason.
I agree with Job that I must not go back to the old me....I realise now that I was rather controlling. That doesn’t excuse what he did in the slightest as, through this site I learned it wasn’t about me.
However, I don’t want to be that person any more. The 2.5 years he was away has allowed me to grow and I would never change that for the world.
I honestly can’t see him leaving again, I really can’t. But if he did.....I know I will be just fine and will not go through the madness I did before.
Oh and just to add, his change is very very slow....it’s not hearts and flowers I imagined and thinking about it, I’m glad it isn’t. Including his erectile problems.
If it was, I would be ever so sceptical. To me that would be just a man having an affair, realising the grass wasn’t greener and coming back.
It’s not the case here and....in the last two weeks he has no problem in the sexual dept and I think the fact he has a new job has helped enormously.
You aren't thick...I was wondering the same thing because I didn't see a question in roist's posting either.
In Westo's case, her husband is returning to normal very slowly and is inching his way along. He's starting to feel better and wants to reconnection w/his family, friends, etc. This reconnection can take any where from 18-24 months and may be even longer, but it takes just as much time to re-enter planet earth as it did for them to exit it pre-crisis.
The reconnection thread can give you more insight as to how they reconnect and finally settle down.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Neither of ye are thick. I ended up asking for thoughts rather than asking a specific question. If I had yo pose it as a question I imagine I was wondering how we could know that it is true? That he is truly back or at least heading towards being truly back?
Before this crisis I never would have doubted that my W was devoted to me. Now if reconnection does happen I personally will have a hard time believing it/trusting it. That is the basis of my question.
Job can you past a link to that reconnection thread on my thread please?
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
Having watched Westo's journey from the outside I think that her situation has a number of unique features.
Keep in mind that this is just my perspective and may not mirror the truth.
Her H never completely let go. He kept paying the bills and would even show up from time to time to do minor repairs.
Westo for her part did largely let go, lived her own life and took care of herself but also had the light from her window shining brightly for all to see.
I'd have to go back to check but I think it was about a year from when he left that her H started making noises about wanting to return. Unlike what we all would have done for an early return, she was firm and set specific rules around how / if she would allow him back. That he had to leave OW and stay elsewhere for a while first.
There was a fair bit of waffling and the OW put out large efforts to keep Mr. Westo in her grips including I believe threatening suicide.
Eventually, one day he did leave probably after a nearly 2 year absence and moved back home where it took a while to be accepted back and no longer be a guest.
Is he to be trusted? I would think that Westo would like to but has learned to watch actions and not words. I also expect that if he were to go a-wandering again that the door and probably a tire-iron would hit him in the back-side to encourage him on his way. And he very likely knows that.
I wish her the very best. She's gone through h@ll and back and discovered herself in the process. Her H is a very very very lucky man.
For many of us, I think that our former partners have jumped in to far far deeper water than he did.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Well, trust Andrew to absolutely nail my story, I couldn’t have written it better myself!
And yes, if he ever did leave again, the door would hit him on the way out. I won’t go through that again.
We went to the theatre last night, the first proper night out we’ve had in five and a half years. It’s nice to start making memories together. We had stopped doing things together for so long.
Thank you Andrew for your good wishes and taking such an interest in my sitch. This place has some amazing people!
I couldn't agree more w/what Andrew posted. Westo's h's actions speak louder than words and he's been fairly consistent for a while. Westo let go or should I say, dropped the rope, and this allowed her h to feel more comfortable and safe in returning to the home and relationship. He has to earn her trust and she will know if that trust is genuine or not. The key now is to remember that this is a new marriage and both parties have learned a lot about themselves and a new relationship is evolving.
Keep up the good work and I wish you all of the best.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
H had a Christmas do last Saturday night with about 40 of his workmates, and he guessed that he would be invited to tonight’s do with the works managers (he is one now).
He texts me every couple of hours telling me where he is. I answer ‘ok’.
I think he appreciates that I don’t tell him he can’t go.....after all, we can’t live like that and we never did.
However three years ago he met OW on a night out with his mates.....needless to say if he has the audacity to say he’s going out with them again this year... I will politely say that I don’t think that would be a good idea 😒
