Another Sunday morning with another pot of tea and this white box.
Today it's my cat Amy who is here instead of her sister Liz. Laying across the back of my neck swatting my face with her tail which makes the tea drinking a bit more complicated. She's purring directly in my left ear.
A few things to haul out and examine and some minor news. But first on the Taco watch. Doodler - check out today's Mother Goose and Grimm comic. It has absolutely nothing to do with your quest(s).
I've not heard back from the job I interviewed for. They'd said that they would make a decision on Friday. I expect that I wasn't their #1 choice and that that person is thinking it over. I do think that if they do offer that I'll decline. What I would gain in quality of life is offset on what I would lose career-wise. I think I'm better off where I am or in another role. I'm having lunch tomorrow with an old colleague who may be able to give me some pointers.
I sent CL a note on Saturday morning suggesting that she drive carefully as there was a freezing rain warning and joking that if she got storm-stayed that I could make meatloaf and biscuits. She was concerned as she still only has on her summer tires but I did re-assure her that she would probably be fine, that the roads were currently dry and that the temperature was well above freezing. I also said that I had full faith in her to make what she felt to be the appropriate choice and did not suggest what that choice would be.
She did come up and actually did stop for lunch at the cafe around the corner that I had suggested last week. Unfortunately for some bizarre reason she had poor service. One of the things about her that does bother me a bit is the fact that she does complain about things that to me don't matter but from what she told me she did have cause. I was pretty annoyed that this thing that I had hoped would be so nice for her and her kids and highlight my village didn't. She brushed off my apology saying that it was no big deal.
When I went in to the cafe to get my scone they did seem quite disorganized. Stalker Lady's daughter was working in the kitchen and nearly broke a big stack of plates while I was there. The other staff including the owner looked quite harried despite as CL had mentioned later, the cafe not having a lot of customers present. I did look around when I went in to see if CL was there - planning on "playing it cool" but she wasn't at that time. I had presumed that if she was in there that it would have been earlier but you never know.
She's on her way to church most likely right now as I write this and there is often something going on after. I'll probably ask her out for lunch on either Wednesday or Thursday at a nice cafe we've been to before in the city she lives in. I'll be on vacation so am very flexible.
A good friend who I expect has a good perspective on CL's point of view also being a lady of Faith but perhaps not quite as strict, suggested that as I suspect that nothing much will be happening until the divorce is filed. In some ways this is really good as it does give us time to get to know each other as people and friends without the pheromone clouds that would be generated by smooches. I really miss smooches. Getting swatted in the mouth by my cat's tail is no adequate substitute.
I was a bit startled this morning looking at the Facebook "memories" thing from a year ago where she had suggested that since I obviously needed a more exciting life (I'd posted a picture of my sock drawer) that she would be happy to play scrabble with me. This would have been just a week or so after she booted her STBX out of the house. Just now I looked back to the first times we interacted 2 1/2 years ago where she referred to me as "an interesting fellow".
This all reinforces my belief that she's had some plans in mind for me for a quite a long time. I'm not sure how I feel about this. Just like when she was "bombing" me back in July when she stayed over - it makes me uncomfortable. I'm 99% sure that I was not any sort of incentive for her to boot her STBX out. But I get the feeling that I have been her fall-back plan and that she perhaps has had unknowing to me an EA going on for some time. As always I could be very very wrong but it does seem to line up.
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S24 is back to a good humour. His sour mood only lasted a day. Surprisingly he went off to do my erranding with me yesterday. He needed a new coat for work and some beer. He was a bit annoyed at how much it actually cost to get a good, warm heavy coat but as he joked to the cashier it was hard to compare spending $150 on a solidly built coat to the one he was wearing that I won free in a raffle.
After we stopped in at the flower shop I mentioned that FSL was quite nice and that I was wondering about asking her out. He did remember that I had asked her out 2 years ago. She either wasn't working or was off having her lunch so I wasn't able to ask S24 his opinion of her age as he had no memory of what she looked like. He didn't seem bothered at all about the idea of me dating her and was a bit confused that the possible big age difference was a concern to me.
He did say that he's actively thinking of buying himself a car and not taking my old one (which he would get for free). His reasoning and it is accurate is that driving an automatic will get him driving a lot faster than driving stick. I also suggested that if he were to buy a car that he should talk to the bank about a car loan and that I would be willing to co-sign. We both thought that it would be helpful for him to establish his credit history rather than just paying cash. Oddly one thing that went through my mind right away is that both CL's D17 and FSL are both in need of a cheap car. We'll see what the spring brings. I intend to drive it until then. I just rolled over 500,000 km on it. Not bad for a 2010 Corolla.
We did talk a bit later about him moving out with me mentioning that there were lots of apartments in our village if he chose. He seemed uncomfortable about that. We both know that he's got a pretty sweet deal here and he perhaps knows that one of the reasons that I've not more actively pursued dating is because he's here.
I did mention that I had noticed that he had made another substantial payment on his student loan. It's now down to $2,000. I do think though that until he gets more stable employment that he's unlikely to move out. A "lot" of people I know of my age seem to be having their 20 and even 30 somethings moving home so it is certainly a common thing. A bit more awkward for me being single than it would be if this were an "intact" family. I do think that he has zero interest in moving in with his mother for whatever reason. Personally I think that it would be a good thing for him and perhaps her but won't suggest it to him.
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On Friday evening I ran in to a neighbour at the post office across the street. This person had been touted by my ex as one of her biggest supporters and a great friend who would help her move out and give her a place to stay. And who probably knew nothing about her reasons for leaving other than being "unhappy". We chatted for a bit. She's not heard from my ex in a very long time - no real surprise there. Her husband has been working in Calgary a lot lately and hasn't been home a lot and it's been tough on her. I've noticed her looking at me at other times we've crossed paths in a way that could be interpreted as "wistful" perhaps. Could all be my imagination. Not that I have any interest in her but I've made a point of not engaging with her too much and talking a lot about what her husband is up to.
She did mention that she finds my regular posting on social media about the trials of being single and how I'm "available" amusing and that she has a friend a couple of villages over who has tried the on-line dating thing and was pretty unhappy with what is out there. I did mention that I have gone out on a couple of dates with a nice lady and that line of inquiry got dropped.
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The nostalgia has been getting tougher and tougher on me. I do miss "what was" quite a lot. Yesterday I made a batch of banana / chocolate chip muffins. Something my ex would do quite regularly. I did do it slightly differently than her. She would buy bananas which would sit on the counter until they turned to mush and then she'd throw them out complaining that people weren't eating them. Occasionally she would make muffins or a banana loaf. To the point where I actually was rather sick of the darned things. Instead I bought bananas and made muffins the same day.
Mine turned out pretty darned good. S24 and I munched our way through perhaps far too many of them when they were fresh. There's still quite a few left if anyone reading this happens to stop by.
Last night I again had creamy tomato soup and grilled cheese. A favourite comfort food that my ex would regularly serve on gloomy days like what we have right now.
I've actually driven through the village where my ex lives a few times and believe that I saw her once framed in the door of the shop. She turned and I think recognized me as I drove by. And yeah - I know I shouldn't do that. It does seem to be working though in part to desensitize me about her living there. I no longer fear seeing her car or not seeing it.
Word to the wise. It's not just the MLC/Wayward/whatever that pops up during the holiday times. It's us "behind spouses" as well.
I'm finding the nostalgia doesn't really "hurt" all that bad even though it does hurt. It's a time that is past, much of which I was pretty happy / content during. It really was only after her affair started that things turned actually "bad" around here.
This will be the fourth Christmas/Thanksgiving since her affair started. The third where I am "alone". Does she have regrets? Is she feeling nostalgic as well? I have no clue. I do think that she has spent those Christmases and Thanksgivings also partnerless. I believe that she's not been invited to be part of her siblings' gatherings and in 2016 at least she and OM had split up. In 2017 they were more of a couple but were certainly living separately. What has 2018 given her? A divorce for one thing. From what I've heard there was a spate of posting of "don't judge me" / "I have a lot of people to prove wrong" in the summer and from what I've been told there was also a substantial weight gain after the divorce was set.
Knowing her as much as I can, I can certainly imagine a seething pit of anger within her that I would imagine is rather unpleasant. All those people who encouraged her to "be happy". All the promises that very likely OM made or hinted at. Her own choices to have the affair and to leave despite her protestations that "she never intended it". The fact that I seem to be more or less fine living in the home that used to be her's having a life that also used to be her's and that is no more. I do expect that anger to boil over if / when I do start seeing someone regularly if she still hasn't nailed down OM as her's. I no longer fear that but it does concern me otherwise I wouldn't mention it. She did always have a lot of issues with anger and possessiveness. I was a possession as much as her favourite coffee mug was.
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None of that makes a darned bit of difference in my life or situation. I am, while not hoist on my own petard am in a situation of my own choosing given the limited choices available to me. Reaching out to my ex would get me rightfully whacked with a whole lot of 2X4s and is not the best path for me. Going on to online dating isn't something that I want to do right now. Sitting on the shelf waiting to see what's up with CL is my current state but I've not hitched my cart to that particular horse. As attractive as that can look.
I have decided on my next thread title and perhaps theme which is different from what was in my mind when I started this one.
Well - Amy switched from my shoulder to trying to eat a post-it note on my desk (she likes glue) to laying across my arm as I typed to now wandering off in search of other adventures.
I have a pound of ground beef out to make - surprise! - meatloaf tonight along with fresh biscuits. I have 2 days of work before my week and a half of vacation starts. I have a half-bottle of wine in the fridge from last week that I hope is still good for later and a couple of beer to enjoy while I do my ironing later.
I have good friends, a "shabby but neat" home, very good health for a man of my age and size, wonderful children who love and respect me, and a beautiful blonde woman who from time to time spends time with me and does yes at times make my heart race.
As a very dear friend often says and what I agree with despite being an agnostic "God has been very kind to me".
Time for me to head out for a walk around the village and then to the cafe for a bowl of soup. It looks like a rain-coat sort of day outside and a good day to listen to light jazz inside.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
The misheard invitation for CL and her boys to meet you at lunch, and her reaction - it wasn’t an OMG moment. I would say she has thought about it, maybe just waiting until she gets her life more in order.
You appear to not be in too big of a rush yourself - I like that. I do understand your missing of smooches - rush or not. It is a month until New Years Eve, ask CL to some kind of a date / party. Probably both of you could use a fun time at New Years.
I see you kind of made up your mind about the possible job offer. My advice was, is, stay where you are. Since you are already leaning that way, my outside looking in analysis in not really required.
You better not let that half bottle of wine spoil.
Have a great night.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
A few things to haul out and examine and some minor news. But first on the Taco watch. Doodler - check out today's Mother Goose and Grimm comic. It has absolutely nothing to do with your quest(s).
Andrew,
I started reading your post, but as soon as I read the paragraph above, I had to take a gander at the Mother Goose and Grimm comic. I'm not sure if you're making a reference to my Peter Pan Syndrome, but I had an epiphany of sorts when I saw the comic. I realized I'd never actually Googled "Turkish taco" to find out if there's such a thing as a Turkish taco. The very first result from my search was the Urban Dictionary entry for Turkish taco. I'm in a heap of trouble, but I'd just like you to know, I've never eaten ground lamb. For real.
As for the rest of your post, I'll comment on it eventually, but I'm a really slow reader. I'm a mouth breather and I have to move my lips when I read, and I usually have to read everything two or three times because I struggle a bit with reading comprehension.
Anyway, I'm guessing the Turkish taco woman's name isn't Liz or Amy. You're a tease.
I realized I'd never actually Googled "Turkish taco" to find out if there's such a thing as a Turkish taco. The very first result from my search was the Urban Dictionary entry for Turkish taco. I'm in a heap of trouble, but I'd just like you to know, I've never eaten ground lamb. For real.
Oh - my - heavens ..... The first result was certainly not safe for work.
And certainly not on my mind at all previously and now I'm going to need brain bleach to get rid of that.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Y'all are killing me with your Turkish taco woman talk. I enjoyed your update, Andrew, and it sounds lovely. Doodler, I don't have any inside info or anything, but maybe the Turkish taco woman's name IS Liz or Amy....maybe that is why the cat has the name...as a little reminder.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
The misheard invitation for CL and her boys to meet you at lunch, and her reaction - it wasn’t an OMG moment. I would say she has thought about it, maybe just waiting until she gets her life more in order.
Thanks for the visit DnJ - Yes - this has been my belief for some time. I switch between having doubts about "is this a good idea" to thinking that "yeah - this could work and be quite good". I need to get to know her a lot better first. And she needs to get to know me better too. I'm sure that the person who was in her mind this past summer isn't the person who sends her pictures of his meatloaf and biscuits.
This is also somewhat foreign territory for me in that I'm reasonably sure that CL won't be in to smooches or etc (especially the etc) unless she's committed. Which I'm fine with. My belief is based on things she's said about her very conservative upbringing. I would imagine that even though she married slightly later and presumably dated before that it was within her community of like-minded people. My ex when I met her was a "big boobed party girl" who was I think regretting choices she'd made so I was a safe harbour for her for a long time. I recall even I think just before her affair went physical talking to one of our son's friends about poor choices she made before she met me with a lot of sadness and regret in her voice.
Dinner was good - the wine perhaps slightly too nice as I went part way into another bottle - less than one total though so I just had a minor bit of "blah" this morning getting up for work. The meatloaf turned out rather nice - practice practice practice.
Originally Posted by Dawn70
Y'all are killing me with your Turkish taco woman talk. I enjoyed your update, Andrew, and it sounds lovely. Doodler, I don't have any inside info or anything, but maybe the Turkish taco woman's name IS Liz or Amy....maybe that is why the cat has the name...as a little reminder.
Nice try Dawn. Liz and Amy joined the family at least 5 or 6 years ago. Long before I had any interest in Greek islands off the coast of Turkey. The lady will remain anonymous. She was a bright and brief part of my life some time ago and a good friend.
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So - I didn't get an offer from the job I interviewed for. They were quite gracious about it. I sent a message to CL also asking if she were available for lunch later this week while I'm on vacation. She can't - too much going on at work with the end of the month. She said nice things about the job situation.
I had lunch today with an old colleague who I haven't seen for at least 15 years. He's now some sort of senior manager with a software company working in the manufacturing domain. Hard to believe that he was this "junior kid" who I showed the ropes to on one of his first jobs / former client of mine in my free-lance days. We caught up a bit - his girls are mostly grown and almost out of the house. It seems that his wife has been working out and is looking fabulous. In a picture he showed me I honestly thought she was one of his daughters. He says that he nervously jokes asking if he has anything to worry about. He has seen a lot of divorces in his circle of friends and acquaintances a number of which were related to infidelity. He was interested in hearing my own story - the parallels of my own ex working on her appearance etc were pretty obvious. I don't know his wife at all - she didn't really embrace many of his friends. Hopefully everything there is fine.
Of course we talked a fair bit about business / work etc. I outlined my situation where I am nervous about job security given the company restructuring. He talked a bit about his company and some of the changes that have been going on there. I was talking about the humour I was finding in the large multi-national wanting to embrace some of the things I've done with regards to production planning / scheduling and out of the blue he asks me if I want a job with his firm. I was caught rather flat footed. Didn't say no - didn't say yes. He had to leave - his wife called and "instructed" him that he needed to run some errands - yeah - that's always been the dynamic there. He did suggest we get together for lunch again before Christmas.
When I got home after a side trip to pick up onions and potatoes (we were out) S24 was up and about doing laundry wearing his house-coat. He didn't get any hours today so it was a pants optional day for him. I had to laugh because I did ask him if he had occupied himself and pointed to the container where I had put the left-over banana muffins suggesting that he needed to make sure they didn't go bad. He looked sheepish and I opened the container and thanked him for leaving me a single lone muffin. I think I'll need to make those again.
I told him about not getting the job offer and then the surprise at lunch. He said "oh - where is that job" and was stunned when I said "Manhattan". It's actually only based in Manhattan, mostly remote/home office based and client visits of a week or so at a time. He did start thinking through the impact of me moving and I think it opened his eyes a bit. He's pretty sure that Manhattan isn't "his kinda town".
We'll see where that goes. My friend and I will perhaps chat some more in a few weeks. I think him making the suggestion was very spur of the moment. There would undoubtedly be lots of ducks to line up.
But it is nice to know that people value me both professionally and personally. I really didn't feel that a whole lot when I was married. I was rather taken for granted in the marriage and my ex would always get annoyed at me and cut me down when I talked about my professional successes. It's like I tell people "You don't know you are living under a cloud until you walk in the sunshine".
Well - the muffins are no more, still need to make tomorrow's lunch - the last one before my vacation starts on Wednesday. My plans to see CL on Wednesday or Thursday are a bust but maybe I'll take myself out to see the new Fantastic Beasts movie. Leaving at "butts AM" on Friday to go see my girl getting back home late on the Monday. I have the next week off and hope to get to some redecorating including stripping ancient wallpaper. I have a stairwell to do which terrifies me and have been trying to figure out how to safely put a ladder up. There's probably close to 18 feet between the stairs and ceiling there.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
He said "oh - where is that job" and was stunned when I said "Manhattan".
Andrew,
You've been squirreled-away in the Canadian wilderness for so long that the change would do you good. You know, electricity, lights, running water and modern appliances. You'd love it.
Originally Posted by AndrewP
The lady will remain anonymous.
Will remain anonymous? That's it?
For the past month, or more, I've dedicated my life to the cause of discovering the Turkish taco woman's name. It's been my passion. My purpose for living. I finally had a goal; something to reach for, and now you're dashing my hopes for the very thing I've built my life around. How cruel can you be? Have you no soul?
I guess I don't really blame you. I mean, it's your little secret to keep. You're not obligated to tell us. But still, it hurts deep-down that you'd deny me the opportunity of reaching beyond my meager existence and quell the passion that's driven me to new heights. I'll try not to let it get me down.
Really, it's probably my own fault. Or, more specifically, it's the Magic 8-Ball's fault. I didn't choose to channel the Magic 8-Ball, it chose me. I should've known that the vagueness of the 8-Ball's answers would never lead me to the truth; I was destined to never know the truth. And maybe I was forcing things too much. Maybe the 8-Ball had the answer, but I just wasn't ready for it. Alas, it's become clear to me that, once again, my life is just an iteration upon iteration of useless nonsense. I'll get over though; I always do.
Is it possible that the Turkish taco woman's name is Samantha, Buellah or Gertrude?
You know, electricity, lights, running water and modern appliances. You'd love it.
Manhattan has indoor plumbing? FANCY! I'd only be there from time to time as I understand things. Mostly working from home, extended visits to customers. Interestingly CL has a sister who lives in Manhattan and I have a Facebook friend there who happens to be one of the hosts on Bloomberg as well as being an amazing musician and golfer and a very lovely person both inside and out. There is also an actress whose older and better looking sister I dated who lives there that used to be on a show called ER who I kissed once on a very memorable to me evening after her sister friend-zoned me and who probably doesn't remember me. I stalk her on Instagram 'cuz I can and she responds from time to time. And no Doodler - she may like tacos but not necessarily Greek islands. You should be able to figure that one out fairly easily though.
And all this is so much pie in the sky vs pie on the plate (with cheese). We'll see if it actually goes anywhere. Up to this time the closest I've been to Manhattan was a layover in New Jersey on my way to Providence RI.
Originally Posted by doodler
Is it possible that the Turkish taco woman's name is Samantha, Buellah or Gertrude?
Is it possible that the ferret has been messing with the Magic 8-Ball? Perhaps the names coming back are the ones who it thinks could deliver the best belly rubs and ferret treats. I'd suggest checking for small, discrete paw prints - cuz you are still rather far off. I know that my cats did a lot of embarrassing things to my mind-reading turban making it quite unreliable as you may recall. That doesn't stop me from using it, but for some reason it tunes in old episodes of Dr Who more often than not these days.
Speaking of Dr Who, I think I got brownie points by noticing that there was a Tardis on CL's Christmas tree that she posted as being recently decorated. There have been occasional messages - always initiated by me between us in the last few days.
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To quote Hubert J Farnsworth "Good News Everyone" - my parcel from the US has arrived here in Canada just in time for me to gift-wrap it and smuggle it back into the US for my son-in-law's Christmas present. I got him a nuclear themed bow tie - yes he's started wearing them as well - along with a new Christmas bow tie for myself. If anyone is looking for a nice small business that does ties and scarves etc, I highly recommend Cyberoptix in Detroit. I have a few ties from them including some custom work and have used them to provide gifts for others. Their customer service is fabulous and I've worked with them to get the "right" thing more than once. Dawn - if you want Sparky to have a cool bow tie for his suit on your wedding you may want to check them out. They also do long ties but bow ties are best for all occasions aren't they? BTW - The best bow tie instruction video is not mine but is found by searching "stay fly bow tie".
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Had a good, busy and somewhat long day here today. My first day of vacation. I left in the late morning to catch the "Fantastic Beasts - Crimes of Grinderwald" in Waterloo - an hour and a half away. I could have gone in the other direction and only driven for an hour but that would have put me in the city where OM lives and I avoid it. There was about 3 inches of heavy wet snow to shovel as well before I left.
The movie was slightly disappointing. Certainly the second of a trilogy. More effects and plot twists than great performances.
Earlier in the day I did some playing around with some new tech stuff that I'm not familiar with trying to keep my skills current. I managed to set up 2 different virtual computers that failed to start MySQL in exactly the same way. At least I'm consistent. No applicability in my current job but I do try to use vacation for professional development. One of my goals (yep - he's a nerd) is to set up a fully self-contained email server / client infrastructure with appropriate spam tracking and filtering based on PostFix. And yes - PostFix has been around for a while. Generally professionally I worry about things like profit margins and lead times from suppliers but at the root I'm a technology guy who has perhaps grown too big for his britches.
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I'd left S24 a note about my plans which beyond the movie included some shopping and going for dinner at the pub one village to the west. I was a bit surprised when I got home that he wasn't here but the house shows signs of a hasty departure. Similar to other times when he's been out with his mother but no telling if that's the case here or not. He did come home a while ago but not mention of where he was which usually means he was out with his mother.
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I rambled on DjN's thread earlier today (waves) about the passage of time and the change in attitudes we "behind spouses" can have. There are those who need to be "re-coupled" fairly quickly, many of whom are reluctant to mention it here but it does come out. Then there are others (Hi Dawn!) who take their time, are thoughtful and can manage with or without someone new but are open to it. There are also those who for a variety of reasons are doing just fine on their own without a partner (Hi Doodler!) I really don't know where I sit on that spectrum.
If I stand still and look, a very significant amount of time despite my getting close to being 55 has passed since my ex began her "dance with the fairies" which I believe started in mid 2015 when she took pity on a "safe" widower friend and started spending time with him. Even though when I look in the mirror or even read back on my threads I recognize the man I see, I've changed in a number of fundamental ways since then. My identity is certainly distinct from my partner which it wasn't before no doubt in large part due to the lack of a partner.
As those who are playing the home game know, I continue to have challenges with "detaching". At nearly 3 years out and divorced you'd think that was a given that I have moved on in all ways.
Do I still think that my ex was "ill"? No. I have no personal experience but I do believe that menopause is tough. Lots of women do get through it though without making the choices she did.
Do I still think she was subjected to "bad influences"? Yes. The worst of those was herself. At one point I thought of her as a victim of others but the passage of time, from some time ago made it clear that she knowingly chose the path she has been following.
Over the years I've read a "lot" of stories. Not nearly so many as my dear friend job or others. A favourite author has postulated a fundamental element of reality that they call narrativia which I am a strong supporter of. I believe in stories. The power of stories to frame a person's reality and even to perhaps change it. I recall here recently how my story about my ash tree held together by a threaded rod was impactful to a number of people beyond my original vision. As an author (only on places like this) but as a creative person beyond this venue, I know full well that when you release something into the world it often returns looking nothing like what you had in mind.
The stories are often similar. There are perhaps only so many paths through the Dark Woods. Mine fortunately seems to have involved a number of visits to nice cafes. IRL I am enjoying the bottom third of a bottle of wine from last Sunday. Radio Boka in case anyone is looking for a nice red wine from Spain.
Is this the Dark Woods? Or perhaps as we can all hope, The Hundred Acre Wood? I'm not lost. I know exactly where I am. I look down and see my boots firmly planted on the ground. What I don't know is where everyone else is.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Over the years I've read a "lot" of stories. Not nearly so many as my dear friend job or others. A favourite author has postulated a fundamental element of reality that they call narrativia which I am a strong supporter of. I believe in stories. The power of stories to frame a person's reality and even to perhaps change it. I recall here recently how my story about my ash tree held together by a threaded rod was impactful to a number of people beyond my original vision. As an author (only on places like this) but as a creative person beyond this venue, I know full well that when you release something into the world it often returns looking nothing like what you had in mind.
The stories are often similar. There are perhaps only so many paths through the Dark Woods. Mine fortunately seems to have involved a number of visits to nice cafes. IRL I am enjoying the bottom third of a bottle of wine from last Sunday. Radio Boka in case anyone is looking for a nice red wine from Spain.
Is this the Dark Woods? Or perhaps as we can all hope, The Hundred Acre Wood? I'm not lost. I know exactly where I am. I look down and see my boots firmly planted on the ground. What I don't know is where everyone else is.
Andrew,
You're in good company with the likes of fellow Canadian Jordan Peterson as well as Joseph Campbell (the hero's journey dude). Jordan Peterson believes that stories are a fundamental way that knowledge is conveyed among humans. And what does he point to as evidence his claim is true? The movie industry. It's the elephant in the room that no one sees.
I was raised in a Christian fundamentalist household. The problem with fundamentalism is that everything is literal, and thus, most of the meaning is lost. The end result was that much of my childhood was spent wondering why God would need to impregnate a virgin to have a son that would get himself killed to save the world when, instead, he could simply snap his fingers and be done with it. Of course, I rejected the nonsense; otherwise I'd be subjected to the purest of h3ll by enslaving myself to a supernatural being who couldn't think his way out of a paper bag.
Jordan Peterson's biblical series explores the meaning behind the stories. And surprise! It's much more meaningful and instructive.
Speaking of stories, I've got a whopper of a story for you. I rarely look at the spam folder for my email account. I just looked at the spam folder yesterday and discovered that a couple of years ago my future self sent me an email. The email had a spreadsheet attached with all of the second-by-second pricing for crude oil futures contracts for all of 2017. I could've been rich! (Short selling is much faster than going long.) Apparently, the email went into the spam folder because the email date was in the future so the filtering system decided it must be spam. Here's my dilemma: my future self figured out how to send email to the past, but he wasn't smart enough to hack the SMTP to post-date the email. Now, I'm stuck with the knowledge that my future self is a total dumb@ss. This can't be good.
I was raised in a Christian fundamentalist household. The problem with fundamentalism is that everything is literal, and thus, most of the meaning is lost. The end result was that much of my childhood was spent wondering why God would need to impregnate a virgin to have a son that would get himself killed to save the world when, instead, he could simply snap his fingers and be done with it. Of course, I rejected the nonsense; otherwise I'd be subjected to the purest of h3ll by enslaving myself to a supernatural being who couldn't think his way out of a paper bag.
Not sure how much pleasure reading you do, but I recommend "Good Omens" by Terry Pratchett / Neil Gaiman.
Originally Posted by doodler
The email had a spreadsheet attached with all of the second-by-second pricing for crude oil futures contracts for all of 2017. I could've been rich! (Short selling is much faster than going long.)
Yeah - the 2017 oil markets confused the heck out of me. The price seemed range-bound for Brent between 45/50 for a long time and that made perfect sense given how flexible US production in the shale formations is now. You can get a rig up and producing rather quickly compared to the past. Then the price burst out of the range for no reason I could understand and then collapsed last week. Certainly causing big problems here. Canadian crude, especially the bitumen is down around $15 which is well below the cost of production I believe.
One big advantage of being broke though is the fact that except for my exposure in my pension, I don't have any stake in the markets. And my pension is I would expect being managed by people far smarter than me.
From my following of the financial news though I do think that smart people are expecting a significant down-turn in the next 6-18 months. There's a lot of corporate debt out there that is beyond the ability of companies to pay. The artificially high profits some companies have had in the last year or so are expected to go down and any dividend paying stock is going to be hit fairly hard. The auto-sector is pivoting production and going to throw a bunch of well paid people out of work. I am a bit concerned about reports out of China that so much of their development in recent years was funded by loans that are apparently not getting paid, but that's not a market economy so perhaps it won't be an issue. I do worry that one big exogenous shock like for example Brexit could just push the teetering facade down like a game of Jenga.
Originally Posted by doodler
Now, I'm stuck with the knowledge that my future self is a total dumb@ss. This can't be good.
I didn't want to be the one to tell you but future-you came up here for a visit - sack of hammers - and kept muttering about losing his magic 8-ball. Then he ate all the cookies.
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So - I did it. The stationary mixer that my ex-wife insisted that her mother give her that she left in the house despite multiple "shopping trips" through including the one where she took the mixer paddles is sitting in the trash can on the curb. I kept the nice glass and metal bowl that were with it 'cuz I can use those.
Funny and perhaps sad that even after all this time and what I've gone through that I still had a hard time touching "her stuff". There's none left now that I'm not using or like if you don't count some of the mystical powders in the spice cabinet. That was indeed the last item that she could have been "attached" to. I wonder if S24 noticed or not. I did notice that the paper towel holder that I gave him nearly a year ago to give to his mother is still in his room. It was a hand made Christmas present from her now deceased mother.
I can't shake the feeling that "something's up" with my ex-wife. I did resist the urge to offer to carry presents to D26 for her. I do believe that she knows of my plans and she certainly knows where I live If D26 asks me to bring stuff back I will and arrange through S24 to have it handed off.
In many ways I wish that she was open about having a wonderful sparkly life with whoever. She even kept her adventures in a camper trailer visiting D26 - presumably with OM in the fall quiet. I continue to be baffled. Is it shame / embarrassment? She used to be so very proud of the life she had and was very open about showing it off. If she left for something "better", why the silence? And why am I letting this bother me?
On the other hand for my own reasons I've been quiet about my dating of CL although a number of my friends and certainly my / our kids know. More and more though I am believing that that's not going anywhere. Perhaps she has "plans" for me as I believe but she's certainly not doing much of the lifting to make them happen for recent months. I am though pretty "noisy" on social media otherwise though. Pretty much always have been but much more so since I've been alone, just like my diary entries here go on and on and on and on and on. That is in part because of loneliness I know.
I do continue to worry about my ex circling back as I keep writing here ad-nauseum. Is it possible for her to show remorse or try to make amends? How would I deal with that? CL did, quite reasonably ask me that question on one of our first dates. My answer then was that I would say "So - you got dumped". The reading I've done elsewhere leads me to believe that selfish people, and my ex was selfish, don't do true remorse. How would I actually react? I do know that while I am somewhat cynical about the whole MLC narrative here (sorry), my ex is following the script exactly as presented. She's even got the tattoos now. Something that I could never imagined especially since she always presented herself as the respectable matron. I know my couple of ones bothered her.
That I am indeed more or less exactly where and how she left me is a fact. The fact that in many ways I'm comfortable with that is also there. I'm a consistent and reliable / boring and predictable guy. Part of me knows that if she were to circle back that it would in many ways like putting on an old overcoat despite the fact that I do know somewhat what purposes that overcoat has been put (yes - crappy analogies R Us). If CL were to escalate things that would keep me safe from that. But that's NOT why I would want to pursue that. Just like the fact that she's tall, slim, beautiful and moderately well off and some would rub their ex's nose in that isn't a reason either. My ex is short, dumpy (I used to tell her "extra-curvy") and while she had a lovely smile was certainly no beauty queen. I would want a new relationship because that person is special to me, kind and giving. I believe that CL does have those qualities with an outer veneer of sass and snark. FSL certainly is very sweet with a lot of inner strength that I like. Friends and family keep kicking me to "get out there". Why then am I stuck?
Should be a moderately busy day here. Going to do some cleaning that I normally do on the first weekend of the month. Get packed to go visit my daughter this weekend leaving early tomorrow morning. I have the last of the butternut soup and duck stew out for my lunch. Not sure what to do for dinner. Pork chops and potatoes perhaps.
Well - enough of this nonsense for now. Staring at this screen and revising isn't getting the laundry done. I intend to leave tomorrow morning with a moderately clean house for S24 and to not have a pile of things to do when I get back late Monday night.
I'm working my way through my digital copy of the complete works of CS Lewis. He always makes me think which may or may not be a good thing. Something for a break perhaps today.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
and she responds from time to time. And no Doodler - she may like tacos but not necessarily Greek islands. You should be able to figure that one out fairly easily though.