Thank you all for the advice and support, it really means a lot to me and helps me so much.
AS, for the most part,I’ve been following that exact advice you gave me a month ago. As far as not accepting all invitations, etc. I believe that is what has gotten me this far, it definitely works. But now when I think about it, when she brings up R talk, I am too available and she caught on. This is what has gotten me in trouble.
For me it’s hard not to believe her. Maybe I do it subconsciously to protect myself? But when she told me that I really did loose all hope. I know I shouldn’t listen to what she says. After she told me all of that, I said “ok that’s all I needed to know” then she went back to apologizing for her mistakes and I interrupted her and said I had to go. Right after that She sent me a text saying she understood why I felt bad and that she was sorry. I didn’t respond, and no communication from her all day. I probably could have handled that better. I didn’t beg or plead or act needy but she could tell I wasn’t thrilled.
I don’t know if there is coming back from these mistakes. I am not going to reach out to her in any way. If she contacts me I don’t plan to respond for a day or so (honestly don’t feel like talking to her at all right now) Any other advice or tips? Thank you all again
Hello all, wanted to give another update on my sitch. This morning I talked to my sister in law (I work with her husband so I go to their house every morning and from there we go to work). She asked me if I had talked to W since she came back. I said yes and told her what W said. SIL said that W told her that I didn’t care about what she had to say and that I didn’t understand and that I cut her off. Then SIL told me what really happened. That they found her to be an alcoholic and gave her a set of rules to follow.
She used to go out/party/drink which is why we broke up. They told her that she can’t drink, go out, have any contact with her party friends, and that she needs to go to meetings 4 times a week. And no sex for one year. They told her that it was due to her actions that our family is no longer together. That their goal for her is to reunite us as a family but that she needs to follow this “treatment”. And that we should wait 1 year to try again, and we need to start as friends and move up from there. W told SIL that she wants to turn her life around.
This is different from what W told me yesterday. Not sure how I feel, honestly I’m surprised. What do you all think? And what do you think about waiting a year to try to R? I wish she would have explained it to me this way like my SIL did instead of just saying that we can’t get back together...
'This is different from what W told me yesterday."
Shocking. NOT
Believe nothing they say.............. Not sure how many more times you need to hear that.
"What do you all think? And what do you think about waiting a year to try to R?"
Completely up to you. No one would blame you if you pulled the plug. But no one will think less of you if you give her this year. You have to decide what is right for YOU, not for her or anyone else. That is what detachment is.
'I wish she would have explained it to me this way like my SIL did instead of just saying that we can’t get back together..."
Back to "Believe nothing she says". Not sure you really believe that.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Then SIL told me what really happened. That they found her to be an alcoholic and gave her a set of rules to follow.
Who is "they", her family? Or a counselor? Who pronounced her an "alcoholic"?
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They told her that she can’t drink, go out, have any contact with her party friends, and that she needs to go to meetings 4 times a week. And no sex for one year.
Her family is telling her this? What kind of bizarre (5 step?) program is this? What are the consequences if she doesn't comply with these boundaries?
Quote
They told her that it was due to her actions that our family is no longer together. That their goal for her is to reunite us as a family but that she needs to follow this “treatment”.
Meaning reunite her and you or her and the rest of her family? Or all of the above?
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And that we should wait 1 year to try again, and we need to start as friends and move up from there. W told SIL that she wants to turn her life around.
All these rules are baffling to me in their seeming randomness. What does "1 year" have to do with anything. She might be ready in 3 months. Or 2 years. Or never!
Steve, you are right that I need to stop believing everything she says , I am working on that.
AS, it is a counselor from AA. The counselor diagnosed her, imposed the rules, and the goal is that her and I reunite as a family. I don’t know what the consequences are either. It doesn’t have anything to do with her family. My SIL (the same one who told me all of this) went though the same program years ago to deal with some childhood trauma and she recommended it to my W (who was drinking and partying excessively and very depressed after we separated). It seems bizarre to me also but that’s what’s going on. I wish I had more info or details but that’s it.
Another weird update: Recieved a text from her 6:30pm “hey, sorry to bother you but could you tell me what this light means” (and sent me a pic of the dash of her car with a warning light on). I didn’t respond, and at 8:30pm recieved this: “From what I can tell you only cared about getting back together with me and you don’t care if I’m ok like you said. I won’t bother you again, go and file for divorce and send it to my address”. Didn’t respond to that either, my plan is to ignore it but what should I do?
Was thinking last night about how to respond...sometimes this is her way of wanting to talk to me about something (finding random excuses to ask me questions to start a convo). The second text isn’t typical of her, she’d usually wait a day before writing something like that but last night she only waited two hours. I still haven’t wrote back but not sure if that’s the right choice ...
I don't see why you can't respond to the dashlight on your own time. It means this, or it means that, or you will have to ask a mechanic.
The second one sounds like she is goading you into R talks. You don't want to have R talks right now, she has an addiction she has to work through. This is why I personally don't try to have serious convos via text. I think your emotion, sympathy, and mirroring when you try to validate gets lost via text.
Also think about what she said. “From what I can tell you only cared about getting back together with me and you don’t care if I’m ok like you said. I won’t bother you again, go and file for divorce and send it to my address.” You do see the inherent contradiction in her statement correct? WAS mentality.
Last edited by Twofeet; 11/28/1802:17 PM.
H(37) W(35) D8, D5, S3 T20, M13 BD 8/31/18 EA Discovered 9/13/18 Mediation 10/3/18 W files for D 10/12/18 W moves out 11/10/18 EA confirmed 12/25/18 D Final 1/10/19
You could try something different and just not respond. The AA guidance your SIL shared with you is something I've heard before -- that for someone who is an addict, they need to focus on meetings and getting sober and should not have romantic or sexual relationships during their recovery period because they need to figure themselves out and learn to stand on their own two feet without using a relationship as an excuse or a crutch.
That guidance (I believe) is usually for single people versus married people, so it sounds like they're treating her as single.
The challenge I have with your course of action here is you're deciding what to do with your life based on reacting to what W does and what W says.
I think you need to flip that upside down, decide what YOU want to do, and do it. Decide how you want to live.
You're like a cork bobbing around in W's ocean where every wave throws you around and any breath of wind pushes you in a different direction. You need to be like a giant cargo ship heading in a set direction, where neither the waves nor the wind matter one bit. There's a set inertia, and nothing is going to overcome it.
That way, W can thrash, jump up and down, change course, whatever, but your ship keeps steaming forward.
Acc
Last edited by Accuray; 11/28/1803:06 PM.
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Last night she called me on her way to her group, and asked if she could stop by after the group meeting to talk for a few minutes, I said yes I’d listen to what she has to say. So she came by, told me about her retreat, apologized for many things in the marriage, and said that she also remembered things that I did wrong which still makes her mad to remember them. She went over what she wants me to change (things that I already know and have changed or am working on). And told me what she knows that she needs to change for this to work.
She says she wants us to begin a “new relationship” from the bottom as friends and let it grow into more as the months go on. She said that she can’t be in a romantic relationship at the moment. She didn’t mention the one year wait that my SIL said (I didn’t tell her that my SIL talked to me). I didn’t say much during her talk and at the end i told her that I needed to think about it and I’d let her know.
I need to think about how to go about this, I want to do it but without being too enthusiastic or pressuring. That’s the only way it can work.
I do want to repair our marriage (that’s why I’m on the website and that’s why I still am in contact with her). I believe that her heart is in changing and I am changing as well. I truly believe it can work and we can be happy. As far as not knowing what do to at times, I know what my goal is, I just don’t want to keep making mistakes. I feel like this is a critical time to make or break this marriage. Thank you all for taking the time to help.
I'm happy for you that she expressed those thoughts and feelings. What I would have give for my W to do the same! You obviously aren't out of the woods yet, and as I'm sure the vets on here will attest to, don't be surprised if she goes cold again after saying all of that. I think you handled it well by telling her you need to think about it rather than jump at the first sign that she's considering a possible R. Maybe it was temp check? She needs to show you consistent action. Believe nothing of what they say. I'm pulling for you!
M: 34 W:34 D:7 D:6 S:3
M: 9.5 years T: 12
OM found & BD (by me): 9/19/18 IHS begins W informs me she's moving out: 11/28/18 W files: 12/21/18 D Final: 2/25/19
