Divorce and Acceptance part 3

[OneArt]

Pax, I understand your situation all too well.

Do you give them a little supply to dose them and get your nasty out, or do you sit in silence. I only deal with him now on business and minor child. Minor child recently struggled and I gave him a chance to step up and was reminded again that there is no point. Very clear at the beginning of the call that he thought I was lying about the child and just trying to pursue him in some way (so not the case).

My guess, he reads anything you say that is not just business (check is in the mail, documents are signed, dog is available Wednesday) as pursuit and it only teaches him that if he wants a response (which he clearly does as it sounds like things are winding up for good soon--what will he have to mess with you about other than the dog?) he has to work harder for it. Mine has done some absolutely insane garbage. I've stopped recording it. What is the point. Remember, the only way to hurt a narcissist is not to respond to them. They will take the good, the bad and the ugly, all of them feel the same--vampire blood.

How did it go with the forensic accountant? Was it a thumbs up, thumbs down, or thumbs to the side? Were your concerns realized?

[Pax_luv]

I actually got the analysis back today after I posted this morning.

I’m sick over it. The cpa obviously isn’t looking over the morality of the issues... she’s luck looking at money flow. And yep.. he ensured that my income didn’t go to our house. He funded it and paid for the improvements so it’s separare property. I can’t even keep it together. I was played like such a fool by him.

[OneArt]

Pax, this just seems so difficult to believe and I am sure you are sick to no end to have your fears realized. I am sure that your attorney will come up with some way to challenge this and to point out the flaws in the analysis. I have been watching continuing legal education seminars on valuing businesses all day today and the analyst says over and over that there is a mechanical way to do these things but there there is also some art to it in terms of how these numbers are applied and where. You may want to talk to your attorney about whether having a valuator, rather than a basic CPA, take a look at this result and see if there is a way to attack it. Doing so should be cheaper--it is always easier to look for flaws in a document than it is to draft it. If there were any bad assumptions used in setting up the analysis, that alone will poison the result.

I'm sorry that you keep getting the short end here. I am just not aware of any jurisdiction where community property can be used to maintained by funds earned during a marriage and constitute separate property.

If he ends up with a disproportionate share of property (in my state even separate property), I would think that would cut against any claim he could make to spousal support (obviously his need for such support is lower). It may turn out that by "winning" one pot of resources, that he leaves himself vulnerable to another.

I know it isn't easy, but try not to borrow too much trouble until you have a chance to talk to your attorney about the effect of this, what you can do to challenge it, and how it impacts the other moving parts of the property disposition.

[Pax_luv]

Thank you one.

Yeah. Sick to no end. I think it will be up to my lawyer now to say- what the h3ll kind of partnership was this??? It wasn’t. I gave my all income to us and he kept his income in his business.

Shady.

This marriage was never an equal partnership and he worked deliberately to ensure bag was he case. I had no idea. As a finance guy, I trusted him with our money and trusted wholeheartedly that he was looking after us. At least that’s what he told me.

So... now I must trust my lawyer to fight like hell for me.

[Pax_luv]

And clearly I’m a mess with all these typos.

Just sick.

[OneArt]

Could you maybe remind your lawyer that he was a finance guy and that you detrimentally relied on him (the statute of limitations for this should begin to accrue with the report you received today under a discovery rule). There are some torts that are potentially at play here that could possibly used to negotiate a much better result. Instantly, the ones that come to mind are breach of spousal fiduciary duty, fraud, breach of the duty of good faith and fair dealing, and equitable arguments (some theory of detrimental reliance or unclean hands). I think lawyers are often used to working in their own box and not looking outside of it. In my state, family law attorneys don't do much with black letter law and freak out if they have to do anything other than argue equities based on family law statutes. Perhaps his desire to avoid a civil suit from you when all is said and done is enough reason to be reasonable now. May be worth taking a free consultation with someone who specializes in financial torts, just to get an idea if there is anything there.

Also, consider whether his actions toward you might affect any licenses or registrations he may have. For instance, is he is a commodities broker or someone that needs to be on the right side of FINRA? There might be leverage there too if you would potentially have grounds to pursue a disciplinary action.

[Pax_luv]

One- I’m so grateful for you right now. You have no idea.

I think my lawyer gets it. I shared with him my concerns from the get go and he always said “the court assumes equal partnership” kind of regardless of what ex did.

I’m going to raise your points with him.

I’m in a community property state so I hope that helps with all this.

And yeah ex has licenses.

I never thought I was going to have to be adversarial in this. I really thought I would have “right” on my side as long as as I walked through with integrity and honesty (while continuing to protect myself legally, of course)

It’s juat really scary right now. I’ve worked non-stop since I was 15. The fear of being 35 and having nothing, zero, nada to show for it freaks me out. I’m a contributer and I was building a life with this person. He drained our savings, wrote fraudulent checks in my name, and the list goes on. Hell, he even wanted me to declare fake bankruptcy with him when he was hiding money from another issue. I was like hell no!


It’s just the realization that all I was, was a disposable accessory to him. And our marriage was a sham. He never ever meant for us to build this together.

[OneArt]

Pax, I think you are one of the few who has a true NPD. I know it is hard. I know how it feels to be made a fool and try to understand what was real and what wasn't and how you come to terms with a life that feels fraudulent.

I also know that at 35 you are young and have a lot of life and time in front of you. You are strong and wise. If you have to start over again, you will. This time you will keep your eyes open a little wider and probably your heart a little narrower (at least at the beginning).

I think it is maybe time to let go of it. All of it. Why keep dragging him with you. You will never know the "truth" or why he did what he did or if any of it was ever real. I think 26 used to quote that "constant wondering is constant suffering." But he has had enough of your minutes. Enough of your fear. Tell yourself every day, until now I was afraid, but now I am strong. Until now I worried, but now I am confident. Until now I feared the unknown, and now I embrace it.

Someone here brought up the Shawshank quote a while ago about swimming through three miles of sh*t to come out clean on the other side. You are almost there Pax. Take those last few strokes alone and you'll notice how much easier it is without that lifeless body you've been dragging behind you.

[Pax_luv]

One, as always, thank you for the perspective.
I love that Shawshank quote!

Things have been bananas this week, but I’m not up for recapping that nonsense right now. One, I am ready to dump the body!!!

This is more of an upbeat message-

I’m not religious, but I am spiritual and even moreso since I’ve been here. The theme this week is angels.
They keep coming up everywhere I look! I shared this info with a friend who happened to give me an angel ornament with the kindest message about angels looking over me. She has been a rock of a friend throughout this whole ordeal and I don’t know how I’ll ever be able to pay her the grace she’s shown me.

Then another angel message popped up.... then my friend shared some angel message with me.... then another showed up in my horoscope today “not to worry bc angels are guiding me along” And then I got flowers delivered to my office with a card from my aunt saying “ there are angels in your balcony cheering you on. Keep treading through the deep water.. there is land ahead and a promise of a wonderful future.”

Oh my gosh! This is soooo crazy. Angels are everywhere and I feel peace in that.

[Pax_luv]

Hola....

So it’s been a weird few weeks. I have a lot of stuff going on at work and it’s taking up a lot of my energy. It’s a huge lifesuck. I love my job, but I’m having a hard time office politics. I have to constantly remind myself to check my ego. So when I’m getting flustered by x, y, and z... I have to just remind myself that I’m doing the best I can and i do it with heart. Check your ego, girl!!!

On top of it, I’m dealing with ex and his shenanigans and I’m sooo drained. I know I’m close to being done with this all, but this ending might be the toughest part yet. I’m not going to be a broken record because I’ve gone round and round and round already... but I just am so perplexed by how he gets away with all this. Me and my lawyer do things to try and make it right... but then there’s always another curveball. You ever hear of those people that say, “you hurt me, I hurt you right back... and harder”. Well that’s him. At some point, we need to stop poking the bear... and we’re only doing it because he won’t comply! With anything!! It’s so crazy. It shouldn’t take 2 years to do the necessary paperwork in the divorce that you started, buddy!!!! He really thought he could get away with not disclosing certain elements. And he’s lying about businesses accounts, etc and yet, we’re the evil do’ers.

I am so tempted to just walk away... which is what he’s wanted all along.... I just can’t play his games anymore. I don’t have the strength or the will or the desire.

On another note... I haven’t felt like dating at all this year. I’ve been busy and focused on too many other things. I feel like I should put myself out there, even if it’s uncomfortable to do so and I don’t want to. The fact that my eggs are shriveling up and dying isn’t helping.

So today, I tried signing up for a dating app. There’s a problem with my iTunes account (someone tried to get in?!!) and I’ve been locked out. I don’t have the energy to investigate so I’ll take it as a sign.


Can I just nap through the holidays and wake when this is all over???