Like Neff said, put on your big boys pants move forward in your life, take care of your kids and the rest will take care of itself. Let her file, let her do the heavy lifting.
I agree with this. Unless you can answer one question yes.
"Do you want a divorce?"
When you get to the point where you can answer that "yes" then you are ready to file yourself. Until you can answer that yes, then do as LH says....make her do the work.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
You are still operating under what is called the "illusion of action" and that you have to do something to get a reaction out of her.
She doesn't care who she hurts that is so obvious.
If you need to do something. DO NOTHING, which is something. Start planning a life for you and the kids and start to formulate in your mind what that life might look like.
Again, you are still waiting for the big decision which has already been determined by her months if not years ago.
Like Neff said, put on your big boys pants move forward in your life, take care of your kids and the rest will take care of itself. Let her file, let her do the heavy lifting.
Well I've sort of already done that. Yesterday I booked a vacation for just myself and the kids in January. Wanted to do this instead of going nuts with Xmas gifts with stuff they don't need. Looking forward to that trip and the kids are super excited as well. We are going with a couple other families, so it should be an awesome time. Will be pretty awkward explaining to the rest of them why W isn't along, if nothing happens in the meantime that will make our situation public, but I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.
M: 34 W:34 D:7 D:6 S:3
M: 9.5 years T: 12
OM found & BD (by me): 9/19/18 IHS begins W informs me she's moving out: 11/28/18 W files: 12/21/18 D Final: 2/25/19
You are still operating under what is called the "illusion of action" and that you have to do something to get a reaction out of her.
She doesn't care who she hurts that is so obvious.
If you need to do something. DO NOTHING, which is something. Start planning a life for you and the kids and start to formulate in your mind what that life might look like.
Again, you are still waiting for the big decision which has already been determined by her months if not years ago.
Like Neff said, put on your big boys pants move forward in your life, take care of your kids and the rest will take care of itself. Let her file, let her do the heavy lifting.
Well I've sort of already done that. Yesterday I booked a vacation for just myself and the kids in January. Wanted to do this instead of going nuts with Xmas gifts with stuff they don't need. Looking forward to that trip and the kids are super excited as well. We are going with a couple other families, so it should be an awesome time. Will be pretty awkward explaining to the rest of them why W isn't along, if nothing happens in the meantime that will make our situation public, but I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.
Please tell me you've said nothing to her about this trip yet.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Well I've sort of already done that. Yesterday I booked a vacation for just myself and the kids in January. Wanted to do this instead of going nuts with Xmas gifts with stuff they don't need. Looking forward to that trip and the kids are super excited as well. We are going with a couple other families, so it should be an awesome time. Will be pretty awkward explaining to the rest of them why W isn't along, if nothing happens in the meantime that will make our situation public, but I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.
Well that´s not close to Saturn but it helps anyway. Send postcards!
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
Will be pretty awkward explaining to the rest of them why W isn't along, if nothing happens in the meantime that will make our situation public, but I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.
Wanted, I was worried about this one myself before it became public. Big waste of energy. Everyone was so supportive and quite frankly it is so common that no one even bats an eye.
To be honest with you, many of my friends are jealous of me now because I am dating beautiful woman and they are stuck in dead marriages.
Like Neff said, put on your big boys pants move forward in your life, take care of your kids and the rest will take care of itself. Let her file, let her do the heavy lifting.
I agree with this. Unless you can answer one question yes.
"Do you want a divorce?"
When you get to the point where you can answer that "yes" then you are ready to file yourself. Until you can answer that yes, then do as LH says....make her do the work.
I still have the same beliefs and core values that D is not something I am going to pursue, personally. My faith and my core values are strongly against D. That's a big part of my reason for not wanting one. Another part is that I don't like giving up on something without trying to work on it and at least try to correct it. My failings (e.g. communication, sort of going into cruise control with our M, not nurturing the M and making our M a priority, essentially letting it take a back seat to kids, work, etc.) are things that are correctable. Especially now that I own and accept my failings and am 100% willing to work to become a better H and person in general. There is a very big difference between knowing what's wrong and wanting to fix things and just floating through life and M without realizing there are fundamental problems. That's where there is a major hangup. W says she doesn't agree with me that we haven't tried to work on our M in the past. While I have validated her and acknowledge that maybe she tried, individually, that isn't really the same. (And I question how much she's really tried when there has been 3 As) When I'm not cognizant of her unhappiness and she doesn't express to me that we have work to do, how can I make necessary changes? I feel like the one obvious thing she should have tried, she didn't, which was communicate the unhappiness or doubts. It would take two to work on and make our M better because we both have necessary changes that need to take place. I can't change for the better if I don't know that I need to or should be.
Now, if she wants a D, I'm resigned to the fact that there is nothing I can do about it. I've accepted that. It's no longer such an intimidating thought or fear for me. Would it be painful and hurt like hell? Absolutely. But I'm also comfortable with the fact that I've done and tried everything I could possibly do to try to save our M. Most of it probably from the wrong approach, according to DB techniques, but nevertheless, I'm not sure what else I can do other than 'let her go.' And when the day comes that she tells me point blank, 'I'm out,' I won't be begging or pleading for her to reconsider. I'm not that person anymore.
It helps me to approach my situation that this version of my W is an enemy to me and my family. The mindset my W has now has destroyed the woman I married, she wants to destroy me and most of all, wants to destroy any sense of family my kids have ever had. If she continues to use my actions (outburst a couple weeks ago where I threw something) or what I've said since BD as justification for her decision, I'm going to simple tell her that is a poor way of making a decision. Because ever since BD, I've gone into protection mode. I've done and said things out of my sense and instinct to protect what I have and protecting our kids from an enemy trying to destroy their livelihoods. When you think about it, that is the honest to God truth. This version of my W is an enemy to my entire family and my instincts to protect those I love so dearly took over. Right or wrong, that's what happened.
M: 34 W:34 D:7 D:6 S:3
M: 9.5 years T: 12
OM found & BD (by me): 9/19/18 IHS begins W informs me she's moving out: 11/28/18 W files: 12/21/18 D Final: 2/25/19
You are still operating under what is called the "illusion of action" and that you have to do something to get a reaction out of her.
She doesn't care who she hurts that is so obvious.
If you need to do something. DO NOTHING, which is something. Start planning a life for you and the kids and start to formulate in your mind what that life might look like.
Again, you are still waiting for the big decision which has already been determined by her months if not years ago.
Like Neff said, put on your big boys pants move forward in your life, take care of your kids and the rest will take care of itself. Let her file, let her do the heavy lifting.
Well I've sort of already done that. Yesterday I booked a vacation for just myself and the kids in January. Wanted to do this instead of going nuts with Xmas gifts with stuff they don't need. Looking forward to that trip and the kids are super excited as well. We are going with a couple other families, so it should be an awesome time. Will be pretty awkward explaining to the rest of them why W isn't along, if nothing happens in the meantime that will make our situation public, but I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.
Please tell me you've said nothing to her about this trip yet.
I asked the kids whether they wanted Xmas presents or to go on a vacation with friends. They told her as soon as she got home last week.
I then told her after her little conversation with me on Sunday about needing to be kept in the loop somewhat since we have kids together that I will be booking the vacation tomorrow (yesterday). That's all that has been said.
M: 34 W:34 D:7 D:6 S:3
M: 9.5 years T: 12
OM found & BD (by me): 9/19/18 IHS begins W informs me she's moving out: 11/28/18 W files: 12/21/18 D Final: 2/25/19
Will be pretty awkward explaining to the rest of them why W isn't along, if nothing happens in the meantime that will make our situation public, but I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.
Wanted, I was worried about this one myself before it became public. Big waste of energy. Everyone was so supportive and quite frankly it is so common that no one even bats an eye.
To be honest with you, many of my friends are jealous of me now because I am dating beautiful woman and they are stuck in dead marriages.
Funny how life turns out.
I think it helps me a little bit for the fact that I think more people know about her infidelities in our town that her or I knew about. The first one was with one of my best friends here in our hometown. I think people pretty much deduced what happened when we were no longer hanging out. Plus, I think best friend's W ran her mouth a bit and tried to bad mouth my W in an attempt to justify her H's actions. I got a sense that she was telling everyone what an evil temptress my W was.
In the end, the truth will probably eventually come out. Maybe not everything but bits and pieces and I guess I don't think anyone would blame me for D in light of even some of the facts.
I've always had an issue worrying about what everyone else thinks about a lot of things in life. That is one of my own, personal, 180s that I'm trying to make. No one should care what anyone else thinks.
M: 34 W:34 D:7 D:6 S:3
M: 9.5 years T: 12
OM found & BD (by me): 9/19/18 IHS begins W informs me she's moving out: 11/28/18 W files: 12/21/18 D Final: 2/25/19
Listen W1, W is not an enemy. Hey man, you love W and is a right feeling to have. It hurts to see somebody that you trusted and thought you knew converted into a selfish queen of the universe. Well, there it is: selfishness embedded into a net MLC period. Feel sad for W W1, she is lost inside.
There´s no need to tell her nothing. C´mon man, she knows everything but nothing is going to stop her to get what she wants except herself. But she must be willing to look inside. When? Who knows...
Keep working on yourself, be the lighthouse for the kids. They need you there, shining.
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
I know we're being hard on you but we are trying to get you to do damage control.
I believe you truly love and want to protect your kids so that is another reason to let her go. That way they don't have to see the fighting, her sleeping in the basement etc.
Give her an amicable divorce. Sell it like I did. You're still a family but you are living in different houses.
Let your W deal with her $hit (and she has a lot of it) and who knows what happens down the road.
