Wow! I am speechless FS. Thank you so much for sharing. You obviously really did an amazing job to understand your share. I am impressed by your courage and honesty.
Do you think you would be able to overcome all this and start all over if he decided to come back?
Sometimes, I wonder if the DBing approach of not initiating contact and giving space makes sense all the time? If I was your H and I lived through this for such a long time, I would feel a huge relief to read what you just wrote here. Even if I decided not to come back, I would have huge respect for your courage and honesty and it would help me heal and look at my share of responsibility. I would feel that you finally understood me for the first time (even if I decide not to say it). And if I still have love in my heart, that would allow it to slowly come back to the surface. The only thing that I could then still ask myself (because it was vague in your post) is whether you can change all that or whether you would repeat the same behavior. Your message showed that you understood what happened but didn’t show if you were ready to fix it.
Sorry for my honesty. I know that most people here don’t recommend initiating such contact. And I could be totally wrong. But my personality seems close enough to your H from your description.
Me:49 XW:41, M:18 years, Kids: S18,S14 BD:JULY 2017, W moved out: DEC 2017 Filed for D: APR 2019, D Final: JULY 2019
Thank you Kiro - On some level I knew all this whilst it was happening. I knew I made him uncomfortable. I knew I hurt him. Power games and control.
Originally Posted by kiro
Do you think you would be able to overcome all this and start all over if he decided to come back?
I am trying. I did not learn these habits over night. I carry them over from childhood. Also, the hurt I felt was immense. I could function but it was like walking around in a dream - I was there but not there. Numb. I could feed and wash my children. I could go to work. But I was not really there. So, as emotional self preservation is my way of dealing with hurt, and this was a level of hurt I had not felt before, showing appreciation and gratitude for the little scraps he throws me at times is difficult. Not zoning out when he says something hurtful (though he prob. doesn't even realise it) is difficult. I have landed at a friendly but not emotionally invested interactions with him. I ask him about his day, but I don't pry. I am 'present' when he talks about the children. I say "have a great night/day" etc when he leaves. it is a balancing act (I am not sure where lovingly detached turns to pursuit).
With others I am consciously trying to be more thoughtful. I smile more, I try and notice more, and I say thank you more. Practice makes habit.
Originally Posted by kiro
Sometimes, I wonder if the DBing approach of not initiating contact and giving space makes sense all the time? If I was your H and I lived through this for such a long time, I would feel a huge relief to read what you just wrote here. Even if I decided not to come back, I would have huge respect for your courage and honesty and it would help me heal and look at my share of responsibility. I would feel that you finally understood me for the first time (even if I decide not to say it). And if I still have love in my heart, that would allow it to slowly come back to the surface. The only thing that I could then still ask myself (because it was vague in your post) is whether you can change all that or whether you would repeat the same behavior. Your message showed that you understood what happened but didn’t show if you were ready to fix it.
My H and I are in constant contact. He is a devoted father and family is very important to him. I learnt what it meant to be a family from him. I am fortunate as there are others here who have to live (and continue standing) for spouses who have abandoned not just them, but the children. He is a WAS and not a WW. There was no third party and when he left he said he was "unhappy" and didn't know "how to be happy". He dated for a bit back in Oct but I think that was more trying on the single suit (I am single so I SHOULD be dating) and loneliness than he wanted to be with someone else. I think any type of pressure (from me or anyone else) would send him running for the hills. Plus, he spends so much time with the children he would not have time for a proper relationship and he is not one for casual relationships.
At first I followed the rules (don't initiate contact and Yes, No or not response when they initiate), but I worried that for him this is more of the same. There is very little anger in our exchanges and our communication is friendly but not emotionally invested. He temp checks and overall I respond with "thanks", or "no probs". Will I ever share with him what I have learned about myself? I don't know. I think he would have to be open to listening to it and I don't think he is.
Anyway, Kiro - thank you for listening (reading). Even if he never hears any of this, I hope it helps you.
Yes girl, but the rules are for you...to protect yourself. You know that Fly...your H has a long road to his inner self. And it depends on him to get there. Meanwhile you keep DB. And we all know you are a good DBer! Keep going!
(((HUGS)))
Last edited by Cadet; 01/05/1901:48 PM. Reason: Start a new thread message
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
