Divorce and Acceptance part 3

[OneArt]

I guess he thinks you thought he divorced you to live out his lifetime dream of becoming a Trappist monk. Viewing it in a kind way, perhaps he was trying to protect your feelings.

[Pax_luv]

Hi OneArt,
I like that different frame of mind thought process.... if he had an ounce of anything towards me (like protecting my feelings) I would fall to the floor.


2 things going on right now.

1) i really have made some shifts the past few months. It’s like you go through these dark periods and come out stronger. A few months ago, I noticed myself falling into a little depression... I’ve gotten out of it and my feelings towards ex have shifted a bit. I notice myself being able to talk about him again and even caught myself sharing stories about him over the last few weeks. It doesn’t pain me to recall memories or experiences. I think that is detachment. It catches my family off guard a bit because for so long I couldn’t talk about my situation at all without being upset by it. Now don’t get me wrong... I’m pretty frustrated and stressed out by the fact that I’m still in this INSANE legal battle, but I don’t even know the guy on the other end. And while his actions are rediculously obnoxious, I’m not bothered by him. I’m bothered that I have to deal with it.... but there’s no emotion there towards him.

Tonight, I had to go out and run an errand with a friend and we drove by my old house. He had decorated it with Christmas decor already. Last year was the first year he decorated since we split and I was upset by it. Christmas was my holiday (he didn’t celebrate it before I came into the picture) and I was upset that he was continuing our tradition that I brought into his life. In my mind, I was hurt because that must have meant he was doing a-ok after causing so much he!! and destruction for me. I projected my feelings onto his behavior—I was too sad to decorate because it represented happy memories for him and I, therefore I made up that he was doing great. (I didn’t explain this as well I could have so it might not make sense)

Anyway, after seeing the decor so early on this year, I was thinking about it and expecting myself to feel sad or jealous or whatever.... but it’s just not there.

I think I have gotten to the point where he as a person doesn’t bother me anymore. Stuff still bothers me, but He doesn’t. Weird. It might come back around unexpectedly... but for now I really couldn’t care less.

2) the other thing that I know I need to move through is my feelings of inadequacy. I really was brainwashed by ex and sometimes I find myself falling into similar patterns where I am apologizing for things I didn’t even do wrong, where I’m afraid to not rock the boat, where I sacrifice too much of myself in order to make others happy.

I don’t do this with everyone, but I have a male colleague who 100% shows signs of narcissism (big shot executive who thinks he rules the universe and is very verbally abusive) and I’m recognizing that he’s sucking the life out of me because I’m letting him. We’ve been partners for years and I find myself falling into the same trap I did with my ex. I get so beat down that I become paralyzed and then it starts to leak into other areas of my life.

The good news is I recognize myself falling into old patterns, but I think I need help with this! I even went as far as to look into a narc abuse recovery support group. The closest one is about 30 miles away, but I could use some tools. And I don’t even know if this is exactly what I need. But I need to somehow learn not to walk on eggshells in order to not disrupt other people who are controlling In nature. I’m not doing anything wrong... in fact I twist myself into a million knots to do things right... and it still gets me nowhere. I wouldn’t say I’m codependent with this guy... maybe I’m just too much of an empath which makes me a great target.

Well, those are the musings for this evening.

I don’t know what it is... I’ve been finding myself drawn to the boards more lately. While I really don’t feel like I can offer advice or guidance, I still learn so much from seeing how others navigate these hardships. So, thanks everyone, for sharing your journeys here.

[Pax_luv]

Hope everyone stateside had a nice thanksgiving!

So.... can I take back what I posted above where I said “ex as a person doesn’t bother me anymore?”

I lied!

Well... we all know the holidays do affect the mlc’r. Some of them, like me ex, tend to torment as a way to exercise their control.

He just sent a jerk email to me and copied our lawyers about an issue my dog is having and couldnt help but put a dig in there to make me look like a bad dog parent (as if this is all my fault) and then proceeds to list out the way to manage the situation including foods my dog should eat.

And I’m just like—- ahhhhhhh I hate you!!!!!

Stop blaming me for everything and trying to make me look bad, and stop treating me like I’m 5! I know what my dog eats... including what he can eat if he’s not feeling well.

I don’t know why this set me off, but I’m p!ssed. He’s relentless.

[marina7]

Pax_luv

Sometimes after reading other readers, I feel my story isn't that crazy....

Not.... I think us LBS with MLC only know the H3ll we go through.
It sounds crazy. But I know is not. My ex still wants to even control me
Tells GAL, M doesn't tell me anything about herself is like M is hiding
things from me. I just shake my head. Yes I keep my personal life away
From W. We are no longer Married.

W, but we will always be best friend...

I just shake my head.

So (((((PAX))))) just smile this mean Ex has you on his mind...

[job]

Funny how they tend to reappear around the holidays. Your ex doesn't have anything else to do but poke at you about something that isn't important in the eyes of the lawyers. I'm sure the lawyers are shaking their heads over this nonsense about the dog.

Shake your head and let it go. He's a lonely man who doesn't know how to fix himself.

BTW, marina is right...you are definitely on his mind. Remember...they want attention...no matter if it is positive or negative.

[Pax_luv]

Marina and job, thank you so much for your insights. I appreciate your comments and perspectives.

I had an interesting 24 hours thinking about ex.

I was frustrated with the fact that it’s been over 2 years since our situation turned extra hostile and I’m so over it... I can’t understand why he isn’t.

We were OK leading up to his final ultimatum 2 years ago. He knew my thoughts around the divorce and how I didn’t think it was the answer. I followed db to a t... friendly neighbor, gal on my own, 180s etc. I think he did notice and had resentment around it. He thought he could control this divorce from the get go. Even our mc at the time told him he was nuts for thinking I would go along with whatever he said. He offered me 20k to walk away and give up my dog.... and that was his final offer... he wasn’t going to be as generous afterwards. <—— I laugh at this now.

Well, lawyers had to get involved and I have a much better picture of how he was manipulating me the entire marriage. It didn’t matter because as long as I was on his team doing exactly as he wanted.... everything was fine. The second I “disobeyed” him or had feelings of my own, all he!! broke loose.

Anyway, I digress. When I refused his “offer” that’s when ALL the spew came out and our relationship has been hostile ever since. Sometimes I feel like he continues his terrible actions as a way to say “see, I told you not to mess with me.”


Coming back to present day... I’m like woah- how much longer can he hold onto this hatred? I know there’s angst there because he is getting exposed for all his financial games, but that’s not my problem.

So, i ruminated on that a bit. Went to bed and had one of those dreams where I’m getting chased by a “bad guy” and no matter what I do or where I turn, he is always one step ahead of me to ensure I’m trapped. This theme has been a recurring dream over the last few years. Towards the end of the dream, the guy threw a giant ninja star at my head and literally cut my skull open. I was able to get help and quickly stay conscious enough to make phone calls to the ones I loved to say goodbye. Then the ambulance came but it wasn’t a real ambulance and I knew it was him trying to trick me to going into the fake ambulance. I felt myself fading and I knew it was the end. I couldn’t run from him anymore and I was going to die anyway so I walked to the ambulance knowing it was his trick. I couldn’t outrun him anymore.

And that was the exact moment I woke up. And when I did I had a splitting headache.


A few minutes after I woke up... I was pretty alert and I had an epiphany re: the latest issue with the dog. I realized he is scared (our last dog died of lung cancer, he had a terrible chronic cough, and it was hard on my ex), and our dog has a cough resembling kennel cough. Hearing the dogs cough even brought me back to those days of having a dog dying of cancer.... not fun. I think he sent that nasty email and copied our lawyers out of fear. It has nothing to do with me, I’m just on the receiving end of it all.

I can only make up things... but he really could be a scared and hurting human and that’s why he keeps lashing out at me. We know MLC isn’t about us... it’s just hard when you’re in legal proximity.

I’m trying to look at this through a lens of compassion.

[job]

They, like others, will lash out at the ones that they love because they know that we can take it. Mlcers are truly scared kids who are learning how to grow up. In the case of your dog, now that you've mentioned the passing of another one...yes, he is scared and concerned about the well being of the dog and the only way, in his mind, that he can get his concern across was to copy the lawyers on the note.

They can harbor anger for a very long time until it is spent. Just imagine how much time and energy it takes to remain angry at someone and not really know the reason that they are angry. Continue as you have been. Your h needs compassion, prayers and patience. He's a lost boy in the woods trying to find his way out w/o too much pain in the process.

Hang in there! I think you've been doing great!

[Gerda]

Pax, beautiful! Your post sounded very different when you switched lenses. It sounds like you were freed. I know that I have total PTSD for things like that -- and I have self-control, faith, compassion for others. So imagine how hard it would be to not be controlled by the PTSD if you were in MLC and totally unable to be self-reflective.

Good for you for having compassion for him, that's what I call super-human (divine) strength!

[marina7]

Pax,

What you just wrote, wow was like you wrote W and I
As long I agreed and Yes mam, W was happy
The moment I said No hell broke lose.

Now that I think about it, W got worse as kids got
Older, why because babies become kids and kids
Become little people with there own thinking and
W didn't like that. In W case W was over powered by
3 little people and I remember seeing W angry
So angry storming out.

I must say if W offered me 20k I would have been out
With kids

Unfortunately W took every dime we had left me and
Kids with less then $300. W thoughts where I have all
The items in the house. Wow...

But kids and I are managing.

I must say this MLC world is crazy.

[Pax_luv]

Job, Gerda , Marina- thanks so much. While our circumstances aren’t ideal, I’m glad to walk this path with each of you.

The weirdness has ramped up in the last 24 hours. There’s A LOT happening on the legal front that I can’t share.. but it’s giving me anxiety.

I just had a quick little rant with my lawyer who totally gets the situation. I’ve always risen above ex and his lawyers nonsense but I’ve hit the wall and I just said... I’m so done with these goons (ex and his lawyer). The games are just out of control nor are they legal. It’s a circus.

Anyway, ex has an outstanding email to me that needs a response and I soooooo want to add some extra commentary in there. I feel detached enough that I don’t care if he bites back. (And yeah I’m sill trying to view him with compassion)

But sometimes nonsense calls for a reality check. I just want to reply back to him and say “bro... are you for real?! I feel like we’re stuck in 2015 and I have Dr. X (our mc) trying to drill into my thick skull that I will NEVER be good Enough for you. NOTHING I do will ever be good enough for you. To be at this juncture and still dealing with this is comical really. You and I both know that x,y,z is the truth. Time to stop with the games and face reality.”