I really do care for him. He is an incredible guy. I've dug for the skeletons, but he has been open as could be with me. His divorce, custody battles, court and police involvement, I 've heard it all and seen evidence. There are 2 things that other women may not be ok with. 1) the problems with his exwife and custody issues. She makes life as hard as possible as she can for him and uses the poor kid as a pawn. I do imagine when a woman gets involved, she isn't going to take to it kindly. 2) He is, in Dawn's words, a "Sparky" But, so am I. And so is pretty much my whole family. I, less than anyone else, but he actually has seriously educated himself on the subject, uses wisely, and is very responsible and a hard worker with a career. It's becoming legal for recreational use in my state. And I am very very pro. So, that doesn't bother me.
What is different? Many things, which are hard to put into words, but he is extremely genuine. His empathy and acceptance chip are as great as mine. I really don't need a label. I am more of an actions girl, and I would like to meet some of his family and friends. I guess that's something that would mean something to me going forward.
I will not say "I love you" but the feelings are there and I actually tried to talk myself out of them. I have no reason to rush anything. everything feels great. But I guess I feel ready to be more involved in eachother's lives.
Last night we took the dog to see santa. The dog was well-behaved and I got lots of compliments on how well D11 handles the dog and you can she loves him and is taking responsibility. And she really is. Complains a lot to take him outside, but she takes excellent care of him and loves him very much. D11 got in the picture and it is so cute.
I was chatting back and forth with M just a little last night. We dropped off somewhere in a convo and I figured he fell asleep, no big deal. He apologized to me today for dropping off and told me he had some baby mama drama. He then apologized for becoming a little distant when the baby momma drama happens. See, THIS. THIS is just so thoughtful and considerate to say even when of course, I understand a need for space and wasn't even upset at all. I helped him through some of it. I told him what will always impress me is that it doesn't break him and he remains and empathetic, sweet, caring guy. And yes, that is something I love about him. What he has been through has not made him bitter and he has been able to stay true to himself. He says he only wishes her healing for whatever causes her to be this way.
I think he might be a unicorn, lol.
But it has got me to thinking..... Maybe my ex was a big D, cheated on his pregnant wife and left her with a 6 month old child to go be her..... Maybe he lacks wanting to be a real father and I do everything, but atleast no one is blocking me from caring for her the way a mother should. He doesn't argue with much, and even if it's apathy, atleast we can come together on some things to ensure she is safe. I'm lucky. Sounds funny to say it, but I am lucky there isn't all this animosity and no one uses D11 as a pawn to hurt the other. I worked with a woman who was divorced for a year and the father's ego was so hurt she left (he was mentally abusive) that he turned the adult kids against her by threatening them.
Yeah, maybe my situation isn't so ideal, but it really isn't bad.
So, M and I had plans on Wednesday, but he has to prepare to meet with a new lawyer so he can't make it. He said he was so very sorry that this whole issue has to take away from the little time we get to spend together. He also said that me being understanding of this is something he is very grateful for. I told him anything involving his son is always number one and I am not going anywhere, and I am here to help in any way I can.
This is the type of guy he is. And I'll stick by him through this. And we will see eachother when we do. I told him our time together is always of quality.
I agree, cadet. I like the slow and purposeful. It’s decinitely a good thing.
So, I’m going to be a bridesmaid!!! I haven’t been one in 13 years! Both me and very close friends will be. We have been planning her wedding and bachelorette party since before she met her fiancé, lol. Destination bachelorette party and wedding ( because they live in FL) we finally got to meet him last night and he is perfect for her and so sweet. He totally loves her. It’s going to be so much fun.
I may have had a few glasses of sangria last night and M texted me asking me how my night was and I told him I was going to be. Bridesmaid! I told him the wedding was Oct. 13 th and he could be my date. He actually did look it up to see if it’s hisnparenting weekend which it is , and said if he could get her to swap, he would love to be my date.
Yes, I know, it’s like a year away. I should have shut up. Didn’t seem to bother him and he began asking about my friends and the wedding plans etc. so I didn’t totally mess that one up.
I took off from work today. I’m burnt out and I needed sleep and to get stuff done. I have the contractor in my home, so not too much rest, but I just took myself out to lunch and I’m going to hit the mall when it’s most empty. I needed a little self care.
I had asked ex to take D11 an extra night this week so I can M and my friends. He said yes. But when D11 came home she told me he was not happy about it. How awful is that?! He gets an extra day with his daughter and he shows her he isn’t happy about it. He had her this weekend, but he had a Christmas party, then she had a sleepover and he saw her for like 4 hours. Since my plans with M got canceled I asked D11 if she wanted to stay with me or dad. I said I wouldn’t tell dad my plans were cancelled Ifbit made her feel better. She said she wanted to stay with me, because it’s easier for her and dad. Then she texts me last night and said she would stay with her dad tonight.
I just don’t get it. You have M who is hiring a lawyer yet again because his ex keeps violiatong the parenting agreement with doctors appointments and he fought like hell to get the custody he has. Then there is my d!ck of an ex who wants zero extra time added onto the little he has and let’s his daughter know that.
I pray my child doesn’t have all these daddy issues when she gets older trying to get me a attention. I fear it. But I’m crossing my fingers that won’t happen.
I am happy it is Friday and I have a weekend where I am not working. It's a D11 weekend and my dad and stepmom and her mother and D11 and I are going to Princeton to see a Christmas Carol and have a nice dinner. The dog is also getting groomed. He's super hairy. Tuesday, he is getting is losing his manhood. This dog is expensive. Sunday D11 and I will have our annual fudge and cookie making day. Tonight, I think I am just going to relax because I am exhausted.
I am indeed very tired all the time lately. I don't know if it's working so much and so hard, or because I am not eating healthy, or a combination. I need to get my sh!t together. I'd better not be pregnant! I think I am just overworked and overwhelmed. I haven't gotten a check up at the doctor because I don't want to get on the scale and I know I am not so healthy. So, I really should make steps to change this.
I agreed to work until from 8-12 Christmas morning. I am covering a coworker who wants to see her grandkids open presents. (at my other job) I am also work 2 jobs on Christmas eve. Since D11 doesn't get back until 1pm on Christmas day, why not? I also am covering new years day for someone. I have no new years eve plans (M will be with his son) and I don't have D11, so bring on the time and a half! I'll be doing a lot fo travelling for the wedding I am in this year, so I will need the money.
I have to go on some field trip the higher ups at my full-time hated job today. I really don't want to go! I am hoping I don't make the move with the new company and end up at the other hospital full time. They are all gunning for me to get the position. It would be the answer to many prayers. I think a part of my exhaustion is a touch of depression coming to work. I got so mad at a coworker yesterday. Everyone is a power tripper here. I had a PT questioning my work, going behind my back to the doctor, who got mad at him, because he is also questioning her. We got a good laugh on the phone both calling him Dr. Steve and how we want to smack him. I decided I am going to walk into the PT gym and tell him he is doing his job wrong.
Ugh. Now to my dear dear daughter. She had her holiday concert last night. She tells me she has all this homework to do. I told her I find it kind of mean the teachers would do that on the concert night. That's when she tells me she knew about these assignments for a month. She left them until the very last second, on the night of her concert and the day she has her after school club. She was up until after 10 doing them and crying. And blaming everyone and everything but herself. Then this morning she realizes she forgot to study for a test.
I don't know if it is my failure? I don't keep up and follow her homework assignements anymore. She is in the 6th grade and I feel it is her responsibility. The last time this happened I took away weekly screentime and bought her a planner she asked for to organize her assignments. Clearly none of that helped. So I guess I have to go back to checking everything every night and she lost her weekday screen time. she is an honor roll student, but could be a high honor roll student if she got some responsibility. Maybe I haven't been present enough because I am too tired. I am seriously burnt out. Doing this alone, it's exhausting. Tooo many balls to juggle.
So, there is my huge vent journaling post. I can't wait to go to bed and it is 9:30am!
G - I do not keep up with my D's homework. When it is my week to have them I just run out of hours in the day. Between taking care of them and getting them to their activities while trying to balance some sort of time for myself at the gym or at the end of the day. I do what I can do and if that mean they won't get into Harvard then so be it
