LBH Looking for Help and Guidance

[AnotherStander]

Great list, keep that in mind during the convo. Just remember if she does ambush you that in the end whatever she says doesn't mean much. It is a reflection of how she feels at that very moment in time. It could change in a month, week or even day. So even if it's terrible stuff like "I just wanted to tell you it's definitely over, I'll never love you again, please let go" just listen and validate. "I'm sure this has all been very difficult for you." "You sound very frustrated, I can understand why you feel that way." Neutral, validating statements.

[Ready2Change]

Be prepared for THE WORST and everything else will be easy.

I see.
I agree, I don't see us together. (Even if you don't)

Read this post multiple times. Coach was very wise.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=47422&Number=2054770#Post2054770

[Ready2Change]

Do some research on non-verbal communication and tone. Practice these.

[ovrrnbw]

I've agreed to having a family dinner at her place later this week with the intent that we talk privately afterwords.

Then get the meeting to a neutral public place. Give her 15-20 minutes. You have something important to do afterwards. End the meeting first.

Family dinner? Really? I'm just going to tell you these little talks are all BS.

And what's wrong with R2C's advice here?

I really hate being ambushed like this

It's not an ambush.

[doodler]

Do some research on non-verbal communication and tone.

My all-time favorite non-verbal communication was in the first Guardians of the Galaxy movie. It was when Peter Quill (aka Star Lord) used one hand to "crank" the middle finger of his other hand into the fully extended position.

[Ready2Change]

Family dinner? Really? I'm just going to tell you these little talks are all BS.

I would break the plans at the last minute. (OK like a couple hours before)

text message:
H:"W, hey something really important just came up. I will have to pass on dinner."

[neffer]

Family dinner? Really? I'm just going to tell you these little talks are all BS.

I would break the plans at the last minute. (OK like a couple hours before)

text message:
H:"W, hey something really important just came up. I will have to pass on dinner."

^^^^This, you must do this JB

If not, just add a "Mr Spock teleporting pin" to your list.

[AnotherStander]

H:"W, hey something really important just came up. I will have to pass on dinner."

Bwaahaaa! Or even just "something just came up" rather than something really important, as if ANYTHING would be better than having to sit and listen to her crap

[Ready2Change]

H:"W, hey something really important just came up. I will have to pass on dinner."

Bwaahaaa! Or even just "something just came up" rather than something really important, as if ANYTHING would be better than having to sit and listen to her crap

Less words are always better.


Do not text her this:

H:"W, Forgot I signed up for this insurance seminar tonight. Enjoy dinner with the kids without me"

I could tolerate any insurance seminar. For days, I could sit there, and listen to them go on and on with a big smile on my face. And they’d say, how can you stand it? And I’d say, because I’ve been with Del Griffith, I can take anything.

[JB42]

So I feel like there is a 2x4 in there somewhere, but it's not clearly defined. I generally understand why the dinner is not ideal (extended time around each other, gives away some level of control/perception of control over the situation, perception that I am "available" to her), but I agreed to it to make the whole engagement more neutral (having the kids around tempers emotions, it's at her place so I always have the option to leave, gives her a sense of ease as it's in her environment).

What is the purpose of cancelling last minute? That seems incredibly immature from my perspective - not trying to attack the idea, just wanting to understand the logic.

Additionally, it seems like a couple of you would not entertain listening to her at all - what is the reasoning behind that?