Uncertain phase of MLC

[bluesun]

Thank you Job, I was worried I may be over stepping.

Hamburg, your strength is obvious. When you feel weak step back and breath, don't react. As a doctor you are likely familiar with "bandaids" aka bandages...that's all that replay behaviour is and usually its those bandages that leave glue and a rash and worst of all rip the scab right off when you remove them. Food for thought~

[Hamburg]

Talked to her tonight. She Took wedding ring off andThrew love notes in the trash. She wants D. I agreed.

We are proceeding and hopefully keep things peaceful.

Please pray if you're into that.

[job]

Keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

In her mind, the only way to get you to back off a bit and give her space is to take off the ring and throw love notes in the trash. They do like to throw the word "divorce" around too. Hopefully things will change again before the divorce is final.

BTW, the holidays are rough on everyone, especially MLC crisis people. We see a lot of them announcing that they don't feel the same towards the LBS, runaways and those shouting they want divorces from November to March. Emotions tend to run very high for them during this time period.

For now, keep the focus on you and your family. Give your wife plenty of space and time.

[Hamburg]

I think she really checked out a few weeks ago. Not sure there's any turning back now. I'm giving plenty of space but cannot see how she would change her mind. Shes knee deep in another round of this EA turned PA.

[Hamburg]

Here's how it went down

Me: I'm back at home under legal counsel to live in guest room
W: I think that's a good idea

Me: did you make a decision
W: I want to end the marriage
Me: here's how its going to work. No discussion of details, that's for attorneys. House will sell ASAP and I'm calling realtor in morning. I hope we can get along for kids sake.
W: I just...............
Me: enough has been said

And I walked out.

[job]

I would continue moving forward and focus on what you need to do in the days ahead. Time will tell, especially once this holiday season is behind us.

[bluesun]

I second Jobs comments. With MLC you just never know from minute to minute at times. I would bet she doesn't even know herself what she wants, she may be convincing with her antics but the drama is to convince herself even more than you. They want to create space to run and avoid, they dont realize it is in the escape they get the hard lessons; its only later they have the understanding once they process the damage. Cycling is a crazy maker.

I had a counsellor tell me that my H wasn't in an A because he didn't love me, its is actually the opposite. He has all this love inside that he pushes down but he still wants to feel that love and doesn't truly want to let me go so he puts it on someone else, but they have not earned it. He said that is why they fall so fast; the immaturity, infatuation and the misplacement of love. Once the processing, maturing and the infatuation fades they realize the love is misplaced on the AP and they get some clarity. This is what he told me anyway and it was before I really understood MLC.

You are in my prayers~ big bear hug

[Hamburg]

So is my play here to give it time? I am tempted to just get things moving. Though she may stall......

I am curious about her willingness/encouragement to let me stay here in the guest room. When this was round 1 she insisted I leave the house and never come back.

[Gordie]

Hamburg

Here is something I learned the hard way

If your w is in some sort of EA or PA with OM then you are in a 3 way relationship

You only know what is going on with you

And you only see glimpses of what is going on with w

And you have no idea what is going on with OM

When my w would be all infatuated with OM

Then I was treated like garbage and told I had to leave immediately

And yes she was wedding planning

And then things would cool off with OM

And she would be nice again

This is why we say focus on you

You can only control you

If w is in MLC then she may be all over the place

And she may keep flip flopping

Day to day or month to month

Stay strong and steady

[peacetoday]

H


The only way you can really know what is going to happen is to watch and wait

While you are living together- it is most difficult

I use to wake up at 3am and notice my H was still not home

Many of us wait it out to some degree to see if the MLCer has an awakening
some DO and these still usually take time

The time we use waiting is never wasted
usually we are in therapy, in church or support groups learning about ourselves and what happened
Learning how we can best navigate our situation, learn and grow from it
and deal with our feelings of grief, hurt, and pain-

During the transition, we learn to best support the kids as they are hurting also-

We do things now, whatever seems best and many of us have NO regrets later-
We know we did all we could for our situation
Hang in