Quick recap: Together for 13 years. Married for 11. H is 45. I am 50. We have B/G twins who are turning 11 in December. I've had two BDs... once in 2014 which resulted in six months of exploration for my H but he eventually returned and declared himself better and in love with me again. Two months later, he contracted Shingles and later chronic pain which led to treatments in-hospital. These eventually ended but H decided to carry on as if they were still going on and used it as way to abandon all responsibilities that come with a wife and kids and home ownership. Two years later...we move to another city and he is home for eight months and appears to be happy and adjusting to his new surroundings. March 2018...behaviours start all over again. Claims to have to go for more nightly overnight treatments. Sells his car he has been restoring in May and uses the money to secretly rent a house near his work. Covertly starts moving things there while still pretending to be home but pulled away every night for chronic pain treatments. September 2018...H gets outed by suspicious BIL who figured out where he was going every night. What follows is lots of back and forth behaviour. Some self-reflection, but not enough. Shame, guilt...I want to come home, no I do not, etc.. until I have had enough and just tell him to go to sort his head out. Two months later...H says he is done. Wants me to give up on him and on us. Is satisfied just to be a part-time parent and walk away from everything we have built. Is not happy and feels he won't ever be happy married to me.
So that's the gist of my crazy story... four years into one paragraph. Still really embarrassed that I was so blindly trusting of him for so long because in addition to being ridiculously naïve when it comes to having faith in the people I love, I'm also pretty intelligent and a reasonably strong individual (although this sitch is testing that strength to the max). Currently I am working on dropping the rope and bettering myself as a person and as a parent. I have been fired from my role as wife so for now I just work on my 180s and my GAL activities. I have realized during this crisis that I have been centering my life around supporting my H and his "illness" and so have neglected my own needs for a very long time and put myself last. It is still in my nature to do so but I am working on it. I am also working on detaching without having to develop a dislike for my H which isn't that tough as he still has many of the qualities that drew me to him in the first place even though they are hard to see right now.
Question from my last thread... I am wondering if I should be taking my wedding ring off. It is the one thing I have really been resisting even though my H would be happy if I did. I think, for him, it would be a sign that I have given up on him and a green light to speed ahead towards D full throttle. I have significant internal conflict over sending out that kind of message..
If you did take it off, why would you be doing it? If it is to get a reaction from him then I would say no. Are you trying to shock him into R, are you doing it out of anger at him or are you doing it because you think your marriage is over.
I think I told you I took my ring off first the day after he MO?. He came by in the morning after going to the gym to take me to the station. I noticed he had taken his wedding ring off. I threw mine at him. Turned out he just hasn’t put it back on after his work out (he did this sometimes). He never put it back on. I regret taking mine off to this day.
I took mine off as soon as I found out about OM. You fired me as your H and that was a symbol of M and trust...means nothing until WW recommits fully. Keeps me focused on me and family.
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
My W stopped wearing hers long before I took mine off. I wore it as a daily reminder that I was DBing and still holding out hope that things could get resolved. I think it was about 6 months after we separated, I was out at a bar with some friends, talking to a woman who was showing interest in me. She understood my sitch but eventually said, "You know that wedding ring kinda freaks me out." So perhaps initially I took mine off to get laid (haha), but I think it was more about me trying to initiate a move out of the limbo I was in.
M46 W48 M11 T14 S11 D8 BD: 2016/05/27 In-home separation: 2016/11/23 Nesting: 2017/06/11 W moves out: 2018/01/07 W goes public with OM: 2018/07/12 I ask for a divorce: 2018/12/14
Question from my last thread... I am wondering if I should be taking my wedding ring off. It is the one thing I have really been resisting even though my H would be happy if I did. I think, for him, it would be a sign that I have given up on him and a green light to speed ahead towards D full throttle. I have significant internal conflict over sending out that kind of message..
DV6, That is something you are going to have to decide for yourself at your own pace. My ring has been off for 7 months now. As painful as it was taking it off, I knew that it needed to be done because I did not feel like I was married. Looking back, I have no regrets. Especially in light of the events that followed afterwards.
Look at it this way, you are detaching from your H. Removal of the ring is just a part of the process. Let it go. It does not mean you are giving up. Your rings can always be out back on. When it stands for something.
I don't think I would be looking for a reaction so much as I would be hoping for no reaction. I think if I took it off, my H would be relieved so not sure I want to give him that. Re: his ring. He hasn't worn one for most of our M. A stone fell out and he said it wasn't comfortable to wear and at times would be too small so he just stopped wearing it. My dad never wore a ring but was beyond committed. My brother too and my BIL. It's never really bothered me. But...I have never taken mine off except to sleep so it is a part of me - just like he is/was. So...no clear answer I suppose. I think I will just wear it until I feel strongly that I should take it off. I'm just not there yet.
Sorry to hear of your sitch. I took mine off because I had gained a lot of weight...it was and still is that bad. Working on it, but W took hers off not long after BD, she said it was when she found her voice to tell me her feelings but wasn't honest enough to tell me of her affair. I eventually asked her to put it back on which she did but I shouldn't have. I feel bad for asking. But if I could, I would be wearing mine maybe even after the D. Sure they fired you, but are you quitting? I guess what does the ring mean to you on or off?
H 49 , W 47 T 23, M 17 S11, S5 BD: 7/18 IHS: 7/18 - 3/19 Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19 Piecing: 4/19 - Current
I don't think I would be looking for a reaction so much as I would be hoping for no reaction. I think if I took it off, my H would be relieved so not sure I want to give him that. Re: his ring. He hasn't worn one for most of our M. A stone fell out and he said it wasn't comfortable to wear and at times would be too small so he just stopped wearing it. My dad never wore a ring but was beyond committed. My brother too and my BIL. It's never really bothered me. But...I have never taken mine off except to sleep so it is a part of me - just like he is/was. So...no clear answer I suppose. I think I will just wear it until I feel strongly that I should take it off. I'm just not there yet.
You can try what I did and take it off but put it on a necklace and wear it. I did that for about a month or so then came to terms that my sitch was getting worse and detached from my ring completely.
I agree with FS. Take it off when you are ready. I didn't always consistently wear mine and would take it off due to my work. I wasn't wearing it before BD due to what was going on at work at the time so I never put it back on. It felt weird and I miss it, but I am not going to wear it. I think how you and many people feel about their rings I feel towards my wedding photo. In fact when my father visited me on Sun he mentioned that it was still up. I said I wasn't ready to take it down yet. So when you feel you are ready take it off and store it somewhere safe. It has meaning.
H(37) W(35) D8, D5, S3 T20, M13 BD 8/31/18 EA Discovered 9/13/18 Mediation 10/3/18 W files for D 10/12/18 W moves out 11/10/18 EA confirmed 12/25/18 D Final 1/10/19
