R678. So sorry you are feeling this way. I know too well what that feels like. I would not wish this on my worst enemy. I concur with everything MarvinF said. IC would help. An antidepressant might be a temporary help as well. I have a friend who went through something similar and she says that was what helped her in her sitch. As tough as it is, you need to start getting out there and doing some things for yourself. Do you have any meetup groups in your area? Google it to see. I have a couple and I forced myself to go out last week on a hike with one of the groups and enjoyed it despite my reluctant mindset. Last night I went to a fundraiser and had a great time. I was feeling quite down before I left but made myself go. Again, I enjoyed it despite myself. I also bought myself a guitar last week and bought some online beginner lessons. I’ve always wanted to learn so it is something I can work on when my mind starts going down unwanted paths. I am also planning a New Year’s Eve party with a few friends. Do I feel like hosting? Not really. But I know it is a way more enjoyable alternative to sitting at home by myself wondering what my H is up to. A cheeseless tunnel, IMO. As hard as it is, and I KNOW it is hard, you just have to fake it until you make it. If you are consistent, you will find that you are feeling a bit better, in spite of yourself. Do not be afraid to let go. When you let go, you will find yourself again. (((R678)))
So can I ask what are the emotions that the. Mid life Criser is going through are they feeling the same kind of emotions and anxiety as the lbs or are they different I only ask because I don’t know really how they feel I understand depression is there but do they cycle like us or are their emotions different I just want to get a handle on these things so I have more of an understanding
Well I’ll certainly have a look for some groups in my area to see what is available although it’s quite a small village I live in but hope that there is something if not I’ll have to go further afield .i know that really the only person that can help myself is me but as you know it’s that old self esteem thing again or should I say the lack of it lol but yes I will see what’s out there. dejavu6 if I was nearer I would come to your party that would no doubt cheer me up
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Sorry you find yourself here, but you found a great Place,
There are many wise people here, and I honestly can say God, first and DnJ and Peacetoday and Dejavu and so Many more here I can name help me with this process
Everytime I was ready to give up, they reminded Everything they offer I took even we are in different Country and states this group has been my rope I been Holding on too.
Now your like many of us, we want answers
Unfortunately Mlcers is a long road. Your W is not going to snap out of it. The question is are you willing to wait. Is like your W being in a como. Because when your W Does wake up I have read many stories they don't remember
They will be shock on everything they have created.
I am being honest I also think I went through a MLCers And I don't remember nothing. I sometimes get Facebook Memories from that year. And let me tell I wrote some ridiculous Thing.
But I woke up and became a better me. And found God again
It almost took me to die but if that it what I needed Then I am glad I did. Because even my kids say you where A good mom but your like amazing now.
So that shows us is a process. You got to let W go.
I also want you to know even if your not involved with a church you still can go to one and ask them.
As Peacetoday said listen to lots of Spiritual videos
YouTube does wonders even when your driving.
I am going on 1yr and 8 months and I can be drinking and Tears will flow.
R, is ok to cry and scream let it out.
Don't let anger get the best of us. We build up anger because we don't want to cry.
Yelp that was me. Until finally and let myself feel and tears Just came and I couldn't stop crying for 4 to 5 hours but It felt so good to just let it out. And scream and Remind myself is Ok M to feel this way.
But remember is not your fault This was going to happen even if your W married Someone else. This was already part of plan.
So keep writing, one of us will get to you.
We are all here to support each other
At BD Lesbian marriage Me39,W36 S9,D9,S8 adopted all three Together almost 10yrs Bomb Drop - April 2017 W movedout - May,2017 OW June,2017 Currently 2018 Me40, W38 S10,D10,S9
The cycling back and forth is terrible. Please know it is normal, we’ve all experienced it, and it will pass. The mixed feelings, the anger, the confusion, all normal.
Keep your focus on you and your kids, as best you can.
Originally Posted by R678
...to be honest I don’t know if this is how it’s going to be from now on because soon as I open my eyes bang instant thoughts again which then sets you off for the day.
Yes, that is exactly how it is, and it will get better. You will reach a point where she is not your first thought of the day. Honest.
Originally Posted by R678
maybe I’m not strong enough to get through this and I’ll carry on moping around feeling sorry for myself which I don’t want to I want to move forward but don’t know how.
R678, focusing on you doesn’t mean ignoring or denying your feelings or what is happening. It is a conscious shift in concentration, determination, and thought to adjust your feelings and thought processes away from your spouse and all the BS. You focus on what you can control and therefore change - You!
While doing that, all those terrible feelings, thoughts, and pain - learn to accept them. Do not try to ignore, deny, or think they will just go away - they don’t. You learn to accept them for what they are, which will reduce them down to actual size - they really are not as big as they seem. That is how you move forward.
The other thing to really work on is how you speak about, and think about things. It affects how you feel about things and will help or hinder your progress.
To see what I mean let’s start with your quote from above. Maybe I’m not strong enough - your brain doesn’t hear the maybe, it hears “I’m not strong enough”.
I’ll carry on moping round feeling sorry for myself. I know you don’t want that, so don’t think it. The brain is a powerful force and it will enact what you are telling it to do.
Some other items: - I haven’t really got anybody to talk to. - main issue comes into my head who’s she with - is she seeing someone else - all negative thoughts I know I just can’t seem to stop them - I honestly do not know what the answer is. - I wouldn’t honestly have thought I’d still be feeling like this - I thought it would be better once she moved out - I’d wished I’d never met her
It is good to see these, to vent, to post your feelings - they are all valid and true. Now, accept them, stop reinforcing these ideas in your mind. Shift your concentration and focus on you. Change your feelings.
Let’s try and give you some help.
- haven’t really got anybody to talk to.
You’re talking with me, Gordie, MarvinF, peacetoday, DejaVu6, job, marina7. You probably have some people in real life also. You can also see a counsellor.
- main issue comes into my head who’s she with - is she seeing someone else
This one is hard and terrible. It is a source of much suffering, I know. I had so much pain from this. The harsh reality is you need to accept it. It has happened, you cannot change it. She may or may not be seeing someone. It is best to assume she is and prepare for it. It is just staggering how many MLCers have affairs. It means nothing, really! Do not give it any more power over you. Realize it is just a symptom, a band-aid, accept this and move forward.
- all negative thoughts I know I just can’t seem to stop them
Remember you are not trying to stop them, just focus on you and learn to accept them, to accept the truth.
- I honestly do not know what the answer is.
I think maybe you will start seeing an answer.
- I wouldn’t honestly have thought I’d still be feeling like this
Very true. However, do not dwell and reinforce this idea. See and feel your feelings, then let them go and move forward. Keep focusing on you.
- I thought it would be better once she moved out
Her moving out does change some dynamics. However, most of what is causing your emotional ride is in your own head. The addiction to our spouse is very powerful and hard to break. Keep at it, you will get there.
- I’d wished I’d never met her
This, like lots of other things, is just a small innocuous thought. It does add to the rest. Wishing for something that can never be can lead to a denial of what is going on.
You and her had a long time together, 3 kids, and 7 grandkids. I am sure there are many happy memories. Do not wish it away. Ensure you know your true desires.
I would think you more wish she never had MLC or suffered whatever trauma she experienced so long ago. I think, that if you look closely, you cherished the time you had with her. Don’t diminish it, it is such a source of strength.
However, for now just acknowledge you love her and move on. Do not change or rewrite your own history, and do not get lost in memory lane.
I hope this helps.
Keep the focus on you, with all that it means.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I cannot really explain exactly how I feel right at the moment due to the anxiety I’m feeling due to w and her anger . It started yesterday really because I wouldn’t drop something off for her angry text messages then came forth . I left it alone and the last text I received said she would come in the morning,well, talk about carry it over to the next day she was raging so much anger in there all aimed at me . I honestly cannot get where they think that your expected to do as they want ie drop item off at their beck and call . My anxiety was going through the roof but I kept calm .its funny because for the last few interactions over the last few weeks haven’t been to bad but today I seen her mlc in action again .its strange because you think they’ve moved forward maybe they have but the anger today was as bad as 8 months ago .i know when she’s got the raving hump sits there back to you no eye contact standoffish everything you say there’s a sarcastic comment looking for more ammunition to spew . After a while calms down a bit tells me keeps. Waking up at odd hours which I know really is part of it but you dont dare to try to mention why not worth another row . Ihave been following her mlc now for 8 months or so and I can clearly see the depression the anger all not nice but knowing you can’t say or do anything makes it even harder but I’m learning .i actually had thoughts of throwing in the towel because t it’s probably just my own anger inside it’ll pass .
They want something now... and if you say The word No.. ih W 3yrs old going to come out and the tantrums and the throwing items at you. Or even better the words out there mouth.
-I wish I never met you -Just go kill yourself.. yelp my favorite W said that a couple Times to me. I am being sarcastic also.. -This is why we never getting back together -I now see why I left you
Yelp I can go on amd on.. The difference I have young kids.
But if you and w have no young kids..
Please send her a text politely
From now on contact me through emails. I will no longer take your angry text. And we can set up a time and day I can drop Items to you.
Or even better drop them off or mail but stay away
I did this with my W. W is a monster MLCERS If W says jump I am suppose to jump. Again I took advice from many here and thank God I did my anxiety is not bad is almost gone And I finally can breathe.
Mlcers have a way of bullying LBS don't let Yourself be bullied.
Once W recieved text. I recommend block W.
Just for Now until they are not in that angry stage.
At BD Lesbian marriage Me39,W36 S9,D9,S8 adopted all three Together almost 10yrs Bomb Drop - April 2017 W movedout - May,2017 OW June,2017 Currently 2018 Me40, W38 S10,D10,S9
I honestly feel I do not know which way to turn anymore what a horrible place to be sometimes u sit back and the whole situation seems surreal considering this time last year everything was well ok or so I I thought it just goes to show how much can happen in a year really . I’ve never been a person who suffered with anxiety depression any mental illness really it just shows how it can happen to anyone given the right circumstances.i had heard of an mlc but I did not know what I now know .well it’s not just the criser going through it it’s us as well ,you try and muddle through the best you can not knowing what the outcome will be just learning an uncharted road as you go full of twists turns dips and peaks and through it all you ask yourself all the time if what your doing is the right choice because if it doesn’t work out then all that time you’ve used for no avail could of been put to healing yourself if you were to walk away. I must say I have serious concerns as to whether we’ll reconcile if she comes through this I can only wait and see what happens in the future but as it stands right at the moment I’ feel like I’m on a hiding to nothing probably because of today’s exhibition but I suppose it’s just the way this thing goes.unchartered territory ,unknown answers and lots of heartache and pain. my perception of it all when they are being how their being it makes you have thoughts of quitting because at that moment you can only feel ,not hatred but more resignation that this might be how it is from now on and is it worth the fight and pain only to lose at the end anyway. Idon’t know maybe it’s just my feelings at this moment in time but I’ll be strong I’ll s stick with the journey I’m on for now I’ll prey for us both and hope for the best and know that tomorrows another day and should be better than today
R678 - That anger that is coming out is good. The MLCer needs to vent to get that rage out of themselves.
However, YOU are most important! Do not forget this!!
Having that venting focused on you is taxing and damaging if you are not well into indifference. There are many strategies and methods of protecting one’s self from the MLCers assaults. No contact, going dark, limited contact, use only email, everything in writing, etc...
You must give space and time, for them and you. Too much interaction and subsequent angry outburst from her will damage you and erode away your love for her till eventually nothing is left. Boundaries, barriers, and not being bullied is to protect you and if you want to maybe someday reconcile, it is to maintain your feelings for her.
Above all else - Focus on you.
Originally Posted by R678
...through it all you ask yourself all the time if what your doing is the right choice because if it doesn’t work out then all that time you’ve used for no avail could of been put to healing yourself if you were to walk away.
R678, please listen. Focusing on yourself is how you heal. It is also about the only path to have a chance at reconciling.
Focusing on you, is the right choice. If it doesn’t work out, all that time is well invested in healing.
You need to heal. Walking away, will not make it any easier, or lead to healing any faster. I believe walking away will make it harder and healing will be less complete at best.
I understand, you are on a difficult path not of your making or choosing. It is so riddled with holes, turns, hills, bends, pain, and heartache. I truely understand what you are feeling. Stay on the path, keep moving forward, and focus on you.
You will get through this.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
