What women (or men for that matter) are thinking and will do. It certainly would be nice to know but if I've not figured it out in my first 55 years, I hold little hope that I ever will. Really not trying to brag in this post - although I guess perhaps a little part of me... it is a nice ego boost now and then but more it really makes me think and reminds me that you just never know. What in the hell am I talking about? Read on.
So I was really busy last week - not nearly as much this week. Heard from Wild Girl via text on Tuesday evening asking if I'll be around so we can talk. She reached out to me - not simply responded. "I'll give you a call after I get done with dinner." she said. I won't lie, part of me immediately thought, yep, here it comes... she's going to back out on me. Well the evening progressed and I heard nothing until much later when she apologized and said she just got totally busy with the girls. It really didn't phase me either way and I know it is likely the case - having experienced the household. I just told her no worries and she thanked me for understanding.
I had also not heard much from Online Girl since we went out last Saturday. A little texting here and there but that's about it. Sort of staying with DB, I figured I'd just wait a while and see if she would reach out to me - or if Wild Girl would as she promised. In the meantime I had not talked with a FWB of mine for a long time. We are more friends than anything but have explored benefits here and there. I was shocked to see the last time we hung out was January! So I texted her in the early evening. I then also have kept in close contact with someone from Canada that I totally made out with two years ago. She keeps trying to get me to meet up with her and her friends when she is within driving range and I'd really like to as I'm very comfortable with her, even if there is not huge physical or sexual attraction. She and I get along great. My schedule just has not allowed it. I saw her in person last time in February but we talk very regularly.
So Canada and I had Facetimed earlier in the day. I heard back from FWB and we started planning when we could get together. I then heard from Online Girl with her telling me about her last several days, her kids, her business things and her new job. Then, in pops Wild Girl - suggesting maybe we can talk on Friday as she will be alone finally. So here I am juggling three chats - Wild Girl, Online Girl, and a FWB. Me - this mild mannered 55 year old guy. LOL Yeah, here's the bragging part but the ironic part is I didn't plan or in any way orchestrate any of it! It just sort of happened. I told Canada what was taking place (we are very honest with each other) so she proceeded to find juggling mimes and sent them to me. BTW, Wild Girl must have needed a temp check or wanted to make sure her cruise ticket is still in hand as she told me she's starting to get excited and should be receiving her passport any day now (just in case you were worried - she said). So she clearly has no plans to bail - and it would appear wants to make sure I don't dump her.
Just gets me thinking how this is all a lot of work and you just never know. What are all of these women thinking? What do they REALLY want? It also in some ways leaves me wanting more from/with someone. It's nice to have women that don't pressure me and if anything do the opposite and keep things very casual while still reaching out to me. But it would also be nice to know that I had someone who really wanted to see me and spend time with me. Don't get me wrong, I think they all do - in their own way - but if that doesn't happen, it would appear that's okay with them too. They are also very busy - especially online girl. FWB last I saw her was trying to get back together with an old old BF that she loved many years ago after his somewhat recent D. I don't think that happened but I'll see her next week. She, BTW, was my main backup for the cruise.
I will also see the friend of the college dean next week. As if I don't have enough women to juggle... but they are all casual dates. I'm really starting to wonder if I'm not starting to want more? Yeah, me... Imagine that.
You just never know...
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Struggling a bit to accurately describe the past week and now into this week. I'm clearly not depressed, not even really dealing with any one thing that is bothering me - I guess it's just all getting old again. I'm getting back to feeling like a thread title I had a few back - "this used to be a lot easier and a lot more fun." I so want June, July and August back!
I'm trying to do more GAL although perhaps instead of just doing lighthearted, fun things, I've had more deeper discussions with some friends. Meeting another tonight who I've not seen in 10 months and I know we'll both be catching the other up on everything that has gone on since we last hung out.
Yesterday I was with a long time friend. She's the one that was going to introduce me to/set me up with - whatever you want to call it - the college assistant dean. This friend the type the sees the good in everyone and gives people the BOTD. Even she said it seemed like I was becoming a magnet for the dysfunctional. Or am I choosing them? That was my question.
She also had me realize I have more "deal-breakers" than I thought I did. They are just obvious to me - so I never really thought of them as "deal-breakers" but clearly they are. Such as wanting to have a child. That truly is a deal breaker for me. Wanting to move out of this area - yet another. I had prided myself on being open minded enough to only have 2.5 but we identified over a half dozen already. That's still not bad but I'm sure there are more so clearly I'm even more picky than I thought I was.
Updating on the "juggling" I did for a night last week, that has completely turned around. No change on Wild Girl - although my friend had heard from her through social media a week or two ago with WG talking about the cruise. LOL Okay then. Online Girl after telling me she thinks I'm very handsome (I don't agree with the very part for sure) and "I really like you" has not responded since Sunday. She starts a new job this Monday but has to do 3rd shift for 3 to 6 months. As we were texting Sunday night just shortly before she was heading to bed I told her "I'd love to get together again if you have the time since I'm guessing your first weeks will take some adjusting for you. I've got a pretty light week." Her response... "K! Thanks!" Huh? Okay, thanks? I responded "????? Not sure what that means LOL" No response since. Okay, thanks, I guess.
I therefore thought the timing was good to inquire more about the college dean. The history here is my friend casually mentioned "someone" to me but said they were newly D'd and not ready to date. I can't remember how long ago that was. I thought it was end of summer - friend thinks it was much longer than that. I then happened to see some pics and did some stalking to find out more. I was/am very interested. This is a quality woman, PhD, 3 kids all in college, very amicable D where they just grew apart is the report. Purchased a lake home 10 minutes from me. Very girl next door attractive. So, I thought, good fit. "She'd be perfect for you" says my friend - although she's said that before. Followed by, but she started dating someone a month or two ago. I know I should not, but I felt so deflated. So clearly it was not too soon to start dating post D - she just didn't want to date me. No I don't know that for sure but I strongly feel it.
The good ones, far and few between as they are, are not available for long. Which leaves the Wild Girls and Online girls and at least another dozen I could tell you about of the world that I've met in the last years. I'm sorry but I just can't see it much differently. We have talked about everyone having baggage, etc. but it's just sooooooo elusive to find someone that I want to date who is normal and grounded and also wants to date me. My friend brought up for the second or third time someone else in this group of friends that would be thrilled to go out with me. I'm sure she's nice but we've all seen the girl who all of her friends are attractive, dress well, get hit on and then there is the friend of the group who never does - that's this girl. PhD Dean may be just as out of my league as this girl is of mine. Blunt, bold, arrogant, mean, whatever, that's just the bottom line as I see it.
I'm hoping my GAL tonight makes me feel better. I'm clearly not in a FWB mood and I sense her life has not gone super well lately either. I hope I'm wrong but she has not seemed herself in our last conversations the past months. Hopefully I'll have happier things to write about. Also need to try to make more plans for this weekend. Although I've only got Saturday open so I guess Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Sunday is still pretty good GAL. Why isn't it helping?
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
As we were texting Sunday night just shortly before she was heading to bed I told her "I'd love to get together again if you have the time since I'm guessing your first weeks will take some adjusting for you. I've got a pretty light week." Her response... "K! Thanks!" Huh? Okay, thanks? I responded "????? Not sure what that means LOL" No response since. Okay, thanks, I guess.
DH,
I am going to give this a shot based on the advice I learned from the coaches book so I am not sure you will not like it.
Your text for the date should have been "It was great talking to you, when are you free to get together next week?" Direct, to the point and confident !
Yours was more like "golly gee I know your really busy but could you squeeze some time in to see me" Indirect, not to the point, and weak. That is why you got the weird response.
My way she has to give you a direct response. If she says" I am not sure". You say great "text me when you know your schedule". If she doesn't text you you walk and never look back.
Again, Don IMO you are texting too much with these girls and there is probably no mystery and they know everything about you so they are not enthusiastic to see you.
So, I agree with LH that you could have gotten a direct answer if worded differently. But I think you were expecting her to say yes, and this was a surprise.
I am afraid her answer does indicate she is not interested for whatever reason. it's the nice vague blow off.
And I don't think that girl who is nice normal and grounded who wants to date you is so elusive. You just have so many deal breakers and check boxes, they just never get through the door or make the cut on your end. And the ones that you let through the door aren't exactly "nice and normal" to begin with.
I think it would benefit to change things up. Like be more open-minded in your deal breakers. Stop being so darned scared of a woman who expresses interest in a relationship before you are ready to even talk about it. It seems as if someone just wants a relationship in general, you want to run for the hills, yet everything you describe is you wanting a relationship. You view women who want anything slightly more than very casual as clingy and then you aren't interested.
There could very well be a nice lady out there with grown kids who has a good job, a nice life and is looking for a partner as her end goal and dates with that intention that you are ruling out. That would be a shame to lose a nice lady like that.
Yours was more like "golly gee I know your really busy but could you squeeze some time in to see me" Indirect, not to the point, and weak. That is why you got the weird response.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
So, I agree with LH that you could have gotten a direct answer if worded differently. But I think you were expecting her to say yes, and this was a surprise. I am afraid her answer does indicate she is not interested for whatever reason. it's the nice vague blow off.
I don't and didn't totally disagree with what both of you said. Ginger was a bit more on target with my not expecting that answer as since it's been over 6 weeks already, I've gotten to know this woman's traits a little bit. She had already said she was busy with this last week prior to the new job, so that's in part why I worded it the way that I did. But you guys could have been correct. Although it also just shows that a lot of this for all of us is mind reading - and with two hands tied behind our back when all we get is what is said by the poster.
So in the end, what really did happen??? Was it the nice vague blow off? Well we went out again last night. LOL So, no slow fade, no blowing off (of any kind - sadly), it's just how she is. This too was somewhat last minute but on my part, but yes, we had another date.
But... I just don't know. It's again, like I see the signs pretty clear in front of me - she's clearly into the drama of life. Last week her 17 yr/o broke up with his GF - although the last time we were out two weeks ago she was telling me how this boy has lots of GF. so???? Now, her S25 broke up with his live-in GF - like 1,500 miles away from here and tried to commit suicide. Drama, drama, drama. I also went back and looked at her OLD profile - which interestingly says she's been online within the last month (rather than today, this week, last week, etc.) - so it would appear she's no longer active. Yet, it said "Hey friend" in the "headline" and included "Looking for a friend with similar interests & availability to spend time with exploring" and listed herself as "Wants to date but nothing serious." Of course, this, along with her derogatory comments about OLD in her profile is why I responded when she messaged in the first place.
This was our third real date and while I was not expecting sex, we've still yet to have a kiss as good as my first with Wild Girl. While some might go on what they think are "dates" and never kiss, it's a signal to me. I mean, otherwise, what's the difference between what I did Saturday night and what I did Wednesday afternoon and Thursday with my friends???? In the end, she's starting her third shift job tonight/Monday AM. I'm sure that will throw her for a loop in itself. If I had to guess (mind-read) she will quit before the end of the year. I could go on and on but in the end, I think I'm just going to let her be for awhile and see if she reaches back out to me. If something comes up that I need a date for, she might be a good person to contact. Beyond that, I think she's got to get it together more. And just like we've seen here, I think she's got to decide what she's looking for. Perhaps, again like we've read here, she tried OLD and now finds she's not ready??? Who knows and I don't think I'm caring enough to find out.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
I think it would benefit to change things up. Like be more open-minded in your deal breakers. You just have so many deal breakers and check boxes, they just never get through the door or make the cut on your end. And the ones that you let through the door aren't exactly "nice and normal" to begin with. Expand your horizons!
I'd like to explore this as while I question it (and will in a second) I also don't discount it as I mentioned my talk with one of my friends this past week showed I had more deal breakers than I thought. But still, you kinda contradict yourself Ginger. I have too many deal breakers - yet not enough as I let those through those whom I should not. Well, it can't be both ways can it? If I'm overlooking things to let these women in, how do I have so many deal breakers? And to be honest, I've talked about a total of three on here. I've prided myself in NOT having many deal breakers. Yet, that list expanded when I talked with my friend. So Ginger, I'd love for you to tell me, what do YOU see as my deal breakers or check boxes? What am I missing here? Yes, I fall for and like what I fall for and like, but you seem to be seeing more deal breakers and check boxes than I am. Perhaps, clingy with low self esteem is another deal breaker although right or wrong, I don't think I'd shut that person out - even if I should. I just think they would turn me off in short order. So give me the list you see and let's see if I'm missing something?
Originally Posted by Ginger1
And I don't think that girl who is nice normal and grounded who wants to date you is so elusive. There could very well be a nice lady out there with grown kids who has a good job, a nice life and is looking for a partner as her end goal and dates with that intention that you are ruling out. That would be a shame to lose a nice lady like that.
I so wish I could agree with you but after being D and for the most part single for 12 years now, I just can't. Yes, I have high standards, yes I'm even now STILL not willing to settle. Yes, I've been more love avoidant than I could or should be, but I'm telling you, more and more it seems clear that the good ones are taken for a reason - because they are the good ones. They are grounded, they don't bail, they know what they want, etc. Even when they become available again, it's not for long - case in point the college dean. Then you see these OLDers over and over and over again for years - still out there looking. There are those never married. Those never in an R for more than 2 or 3 years. Look at people in your life, those you work with, those you encounter at work. There is a lot of broken people out there. Some can't hold a conversation to save their lives. I could go on and on. I think I'm a great catch and am not going to lower my standards - I'm just not. What really upsets me the most is it's almost like on balance I was doing better emotionally before. I had sort of resigned myself to what it's going to be. I was pretty happy. Then this cruise thing came up and I started upping my dating game with about a half dozen women. Among them I re-met Wild Girl and even with all of her red flags it was soooooooo great to have someone to do things with, talk with, share the day's events, and of course the physical parts - and so now that I had it for 3 or 4 months I really want it - yet as I try to go back out there looking, the good ones are taken or not interested and all I'm left with is the ones that just don't attract me - and not just physically - actually morose mentally, emotionally and personally. I've been more bummed these past couple of weeks than in a long time.
Some people are very good at accepting a large variety of people. You very much fit that Ginger as you yourself say you don't even have a type. While in hindsight you say you see now some of the guys in the past year or two were not a right fit, you totally were willing to be a right fit with them if they were willing - it was them who killed the deal - not you. I hope that is coming out correctly as I'm not putting you down in anyway. You just are able to accept all kinds of looks, personalities and what they want. That's actually a very positive attribute. I just can't and never have. That's why I have my 10 percenters. I like what I like and I don't know how to change that - and really don't think I should. The bad part about that is when only 10% attract me if even half of them are not interested, I'm down to 5%. But it's unrealistic to think that half of any group wants to date you. Even 10% wanting to date you would be a win - yet with me that really puts me into the percent or lower category.
Of course I wrote too much again and could write even more. Sadly there are so few people even left here that none of us really get a wide range of input and writing so much doesn't help promote responses. I greatly thank both of you for taking the time!
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
There was a study of online dating recently which showed people generally contact people who are 25% more attractive than they are. This may account for some of the poor results men have, if they're routinely trying to date "out of their league".
On the other hand, 50 year old men and 18 year old girls are the most popular!
White men and Asian women being the most popular.
What I'm getting at - if you have a "type" you may be unnecessarily limiting yourself. And I can speak from experience that someone who only seems ok in attractiveness can gain a lot in attractiveness as you get to know them.
As for the selection of singles at our age - sure, some people are single for a reason. Early in my post-divorce dating that was because I was subconsciously picking people who weren't relationship material. Then I was single because a four year relationship turned out to be badly bipolar and a liar. Odds are I'll be OLD again sometime in the future given CMMs prognosis. Does any of that make ME an undesirable date? I don't think so. Plenty of normal people are online dating too.
I neglected to say that I’m not just talking about OLD I’m talking across the board and available. More importantly I fully intended to point out and again totally forgot, that there are exceptions to everything. Just as I’m sure there are undesirable people still married or in a relationship I’m just as sure there are perfectly normal and desirable ones who are not. That said the overwhelming majority as I see it are single for a reason. My point is on average the pool of available people is less desirable than the pool of married or in a relationship people and that is for a good reason. Again it’s certainly not everybody and I know there are decent single people out there. However if I could also pick from married or in a relationship I fully believe I’d have higher-quality to pick from.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
I think your major deal breaker is the woman not wanting to go exactly at your pace. You run like heck if she says anything along the lines of wanting a relationship in the beginning. You think that's clingy person, when in reality that is an honest person and what most people wants. It's not like they are saying they need to have it with you, but that is an end goal for most people.
Even when you comment on something I might have said that eludes to a guy that I care for him or temp check where we are, to you that is SOOOO unattractive. It's kind of normal as long as it's not excessive, it's the right timing, etc. You are just so particular about how a woman acts towards you, everything is a turn off! Yet WG, with her pining over and ex BF and her hot/cold isn't.
I don't mean this insultingly, but I think you might make too many assumptions and too many things turn you off before you even get to know them, but those things are typical of women.
Yes, I do accept a wide variety of people. Looks wise, it's been different across the board. I also am very aware of what league I am in, and I try not to look outside of it. (not saying you do, but many people do). I am not going for Mr. Hottie everyone drools all over. I know better. I think there are many people who have a lot of different things to offer and different personality types that I am compatible with. I am ultra tolerant of some traits I don't agree with when there are some that just shine.
But you should be true to yourself. If you are very very particular about what you want and how you want it, just be aware, your chances of finding exactly that are slim. Something has to give somewhere. Alls I am saying is don't be surprised it is so hard. It doesn't mean everyone is a misfit because they don't check your boxes, you just have very very particular taste, and that kind of comes with the territory.
