[/quote]Last week she said she can see how important it is for me to unwind with the kids every day after work. She knows it would be devastating to break up a family. She has stated several times how she doesnt want to follow in her mothers footsteps. Which is strange to me that someone who has had so much resentment for her mom, knows the pain of broken family would follow in those footsteps. She always thought she was better than the cycle and could beat it.[quote]
This makes me wonder if one big lesson she has to learn and face has to do with compassion for her Mom and understanding why her mom did what she did. I don't mean agree with the choice, or decide whether it is right or wrong but understand it wasn't your W fault and recognize the things that may have influenced it happening. One of my own acceptance was accepting my Dad behaviour in his MLC and seeing it from an adult perspective rather than from a child's, and actually seeing it from both at the same time, if that makes sense. I had to look at it and understand it and basically forgive him for everything on a spiritual level and let it go. Maybe she is going through something similar. In my own it was understanding my grandpas passing having an affect on my dad which threw him into deep crisis. Saying goodbye to my Papa actually helped me understand why my Dad did what he did, I didn't agree with his choice but I understood how it could twist his mind. Maybe it is something like this sort of for her.
In order to beat the cycle you need to know what you are up against. She has so much resentment because it hurts, its the pain, the lack of understanding the perspective and the fear that is driving her right now. She can still beat it by repairing and learning from her own experience.
Last edited by bluesun; 11/18/1812:22 AM.
Watching the sky for the space shuttle return...relief, lights at last BD May/12 (37, H41- D18 D13 S11) July 2012 ILYBNILY reconcile oct/12 no AP 2nd BD Jan/18 start again Original AP
Thanks. She has always kept up with appearance, but nails, etc... have become more frequent now.
As for the schooling. It is something she has always wanted to do. She was steadfast about 2 months ago. At that time I promised to support her, move across the country and do anything for her, as she supported me through school. Coincidentally, it was a time we reconnected on a deep emotional level and reconciled....for a month. Now she says she can do it without my support, but that would be next to impossible.
I will say that going out with friends was great, but it was so lonely without the love of my life there with me. I saw all the other couples having romantic dinners and it stung......hard. then, picking up the kids and coming home to an empty house stung even more. The kids asking where mama is, wanting her to sing lullabies and tuck them in. She doesn't go out with friends very often.....this was the first time in months. So I don't know if this will become the new norm or not. Having been through this, does she feel the same loneliness coming home to an empty house?
That was why I was questioning the nails etc, it could be replay behaviour cycling. This journey is a tough one. Do what is right for you, if it is too much, one day she will live to regret it. Im sorry you are going through this. The cycling is what makes it harder, you get your hopes up and then they hit you again. Its part of the process. Detaching while they are in replay behaviours is a good idea. You are vulnerable right now, just make sure to not make any decisions you may regret later. Its a blow to find out about an A of any kind, Im beyond aware of that. She may escalate for a while, just be prepared and hold yourself together. You are strong.
Watching the sky for the space shuttle return...relief, lights at last BD May/12 (37, H41- D18 D13 S11) July 2012 ILYBNILY reconcile oct/12 no AP 2nd BD Jan/18 start again Original AP
[/quote]I will say that going out with friends was great, but it was so lonely without the love of my life there with me. I saw all the other couples having romantic dinners and it stung......hard. then, picking up the kids and coming home to an empty house stung even more. The kids asking where mama is, wanting her to sing lullabies and tuck them in. She doesn't go out with friends very often.....this was the first time in months. So I don't know if this will become the new norm or not. Having been through this, does she feel the same loneliness coming home to an empty house?[quote]
I can just imagine the sinking feelings...I am familiar with the questions from the kids, it triggers those feelings of loneliness and anger even more I find. She likely does feel the loneliness of an empty house, how it affects her Im not sure. It could feed guilt, feed her feelings of emptiness/void or remind her of her wanting to run urges or something else. But I would imagine she does feel it. MLC is a tough haul. They are pretty selfish through out the crisis. Im sorry it is so hard, I am dealing with my H second round as we speak. It [censored] to say the least. She seems to be cycling, it gets worse before it gets better...
Watching the sky for the space shuttle return...relief, lights at last BD May/12 (37, H41- D18 D13 S11) July 2012 ILYBNILY reconcile oct/12 no AP 2nd BD Jan/18 start again Original AP
The new attraction brings on euphoria and fun-so I doubt many of them are feeling to lonely and they use the new person to run from their feelings and it works for a short while, till everything comes tumbling down-
The MLCer is not in their right mind- but from what I've read here and experienced myself- many will pursue the new fantasy life It rarely seems to work out for them
The LBS usually has to clean up the mess at home-be the strong involved parent and encourage good co-parenting even though we are crushed and hurt-
Usually no strategy will stop them so think about what will be best for your kids and you- and work for a peaceful transition for yourself and the kids-
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
I went home and packed a suitcase and left it by the front door. Asked her to talk.
She walked in the room and said "are you leaving"?
Me: we both know what happened last night. You violated trust of the marriage. Your actions have caused me to leave. You have some serious thinking to do.
She started to cry and shake her head in acknowledgement.
I left.
This really cuts deep and I am going dark now. Attorney advised me to move back in ASAP so going to move to guest room tomorrow and keep my distance.
You handle yourself well, likely because it comes from a place of love and patience. Keep strong and go with your gut not your emotions. Its tough to do at times but focus more head than heart. Detach for yourself and continue to take care of your own emotional needs through friends/your children; you matter too.
Its pretty common to flop back and forth with the stages and to have them happening at the same time. In this situation the best thing to do is not make any decisions on reaction and impulse; leave the impulsive irrational stuff to them.
You impress me Hamburg, your W is a lucky woman its a shame she doesn't appreciates her blessings presently.
On a legal note, best to not leave the residence good advice by your attorney.
Dark is a good idea; you do it for you, not for them. Going dark to manipulate never works, its so you can detach from the drama and manipulation/emotional control from them.
I realize this is moo presently; the urge to escape and avoid or "run" is very strong it takes a lot of strength to fight it. Midlifers are known to do some mind boggling and wayyyyyy out of character replay behaviours; lie, cheat, steal, etc. The way I look at it is as though they are a rebellious teenage/child. They are in adult situations but with the thought process of a teenager that is why everything they do lacks maturity and is hard to comprehend for those looking in. They think how can this mother and wife do this?? What kind of mother abandons her children, becomes narcissistic in their way with entitlement behaviour? They literally are internally detached from that identity. They know they are a mother but on another level internally are detached from it. Its hard to explain. Its like they are detached in general from their life and their identity. That's why they do the things they do. People say they know what they are doing so they are responsible for it. I agree and disagree. They know yes, but they are detached, kind of like watching a movie. They aren't cognitively able to take responsibility fully for their actions until there is some clarity, until then they will not recognize their behaviours damage, to a degree yes, but not to the extent you expect or desire. From my experience anyways. Another way I look at replay is; lets say you are 16 and your curfew is 11pm. You are at a party and it is really awesome. All your friends are there and it is the party of all parties. You are suppose to be home in 15 minutes, man....so what do you do? You say "F it" I don't want to miss out, I will deal with mom and dad after. And since you are already going to be in trouble, might as well go for the gusto and get home at 5am...for some the next morning and others 2 days later.
On a side note about your comment on loneliness; I know someone had said they don't feel lonely because of the replay highs, but from my experience loneliness was a constant theme through my own crisis, a deep feeling of loneliness that fueled my behaviour, even during replay. It wasn't from anywhere I could pinpoint, therefore I blamed my H. My sister and H have both vocalized loneliness throughout their crisis as well as a need for attention.
Hugs to you~
Watching the sky for the space shuttle return...relief, lights at last BD May/12 (37, H41- D18 D13 S11) July 2012 ILYBNILY reconcile oct/12 no AP 2nd BD Jan/18 start again Original AP
I am glad you moved back into your home. You have stated what is on your mind and now...you need to give her time to digest all that has happened over the last few days. Going dark/dim is for you and your peace of mind. It is not to control and/or manipulate her into rethinking her stance/behavior. She is emotionally stunted and she is seeking that time in her life where she ceased growing emotionally. She's not always thinking rationally and you can rationalize w/someone who is irrational.
Do not think for minute that she doesn't think about you and what you have shared w/her. At night, the wheels in her head continue to turn and that is when she has time to think about all that has happened. Don't be fooled that she is having the time of her life because she isn't. She is hurting deeply within her heart and soul. The scars run deep and you cannot see them...but they are there.
She will test your love and patience many times in the days ahead. She will thrive on attention, both positive and negative. The best thing to do is try not to react to what she says or her behavior. Try to stay calm and speak to her in a calm voice, i.e., just as you would to a skittish colt.
BTW, Bluesun has given you excellent advice, based on her crisis.
Try to keep the focus on you and dig deeper for patience.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you guys. My initial plan was to get the wheels turning for D. I may still call my attorney to get some ground work done but want to see how things go over the next couple of weeks. I was out for one night and will return tonight. Plan is to avoid her at all costs and keep to myself and the kids. I really don't want to interact with her.
I hope this is her wake up call but who knows.....
