You have to tell him in no uncertain terms that that has to stop immediately. I would lose my sh#t if W just showed up randomly at my house, or even worse, was already there when I got home. That is cake-eating.
When my W left, she took the moped and I kept the car. It has been really cold recently so last night I was going to give her the super thick winter gloves for the moped which she had left. However, I discovered that they were already gone. She had grabbed them one day when she came over for the dog. I calmly but assertively told her that she isn't to take anything from the house without talking to me first. We need to lay down rules for how things are going to work and simply let the WAS know that is how it is going to be.
Also, I have to agree with Ovr, that it IS none of his business where you are or what you are doing. You don't need to be hostile in your responses, not at all. But you don't owe him any explanation.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
You have to tell him in no uncertain terms that that has to stop immediately. I would lose my sh#t if W just showed up randomly at my house, or even worse, was already there when I got home. That is cake-eating.
I have tried, believe me. He complies for a while, then something will happen (like D9 forgot her PE kit and I had already left for the day) and he just 'swings by' to get it. I have even contemplated changing the locks (not legally allowed). H is a pilot so is home a lot on weekdays. We agreed whenever possible, he will have the girls on these days. This blurs the line as he will come over and watch them before school and then watch them after school as well. It is easier for him to watch the girls at the house. It is also company for our dog who would otherwise be on her own from 7 in the morning until 7 at night if he were to watch them at his. I get a schedule before the start of each month with the days he is going to do this. So, there is an agreed level where he can come to the house when I am not there.
So, in a nutshell, I ask, he moans ("It is MY house", "These are half MY things"), complies for a bit, but then gets complacent and it starts again. He knows though ... he was definitely uncomfortable this morning when I drove up the driveway unexpectedly because he walked the dog and then left sharpish.
Re this morning
H: "Are you going to work today" (You don't look like you are dressed for work). M: "Yes, I am going to work". H: "Are you going in late today?" (I don't think you are going to work because you are dressed like that) M: "Yes. I will probably have to go in late" H: "Are you allowed to dress like that" (I don't think you are going to work ) M: "Yes - we have casual Friday"
These questions were not one after the other. After each question and response there would be a pause where we either talked about the girls, or he would finish getting ready.
I guess the proper DB response would have been simply to say "Yes" to all three questions and leave out the rest, but to me it would have sounded rude FTF.
Firstly, I did my stop smoking course today. So far, so good, but it is only day 1. I am crossing my fingers that it sticks. No-one knows I have done the course other than those here who take the time to read my journal as I don't really want anyone putting anymore doubts in my head then there already are.
I had to tell H I was on a photography course as I was scheduled to have the children today and needed to swap. Unfortunately, there was massive delays on the train which mean I was an hour late home ... and he had to change his plans for the evening ... oh well. I was suitably not sorry when I finally came home this evening.
I got the usual passive aggressive sh!t which I ignored.
H told me D12's netball coach had had a word with him about her not being the same player she was last year. She is not integrating with the team and seems disinterested. Her coach asked H if there was anything wrong. H told her we had separated. Apparently D12 was not happy that he had told her coach. I said something along the lines of "She had to be told eventually". He then said that he thinks we should put D12 into therapy (I agreed). And then he said I should sort it out and I said "No". Then it took a massive turn for the worst. He called me "emotionally detached even from my own children" and "selfish" and then accused me of having a "screw lose because [my] childhood was messed up". I said "I am not the selfish one, yes she can do with counselling, but I will not sort it out". He kept saying "What's wrong with you? How can you be so selfish and unemotional?", oh and this is the kicker "when she grows up I will tell her about this!".
I want to be clear. I love my children very much and I am not emotionally detached from them. I do however GAL without them so it may appear I am not around as much.t When he is over with the girls, I purposely make myself scarce saying things like "I will be upstairs whilst you visit with the girls" or "As you are here, I am going to pop out for an hour", when we are all in the same room I don't go out of my way to make too much conversation, so I guess to him that is me being emotionally detached.
So, a good day (stopped smoking) and a bad day (got accused of being selfish and having a screw lose).
I want to send him a text and say "FU for using my childhood against me and saying I don't care about my kids". But I won't. I won't let him get the better of me. I think there was more going on then my saying no to organizing counselling - I think he feels me pulling away and he does not like it. I guess that means I am on the right track ... where this particular track is going for I am not sure.
I agree with you FS. I think there is more going on. He knows you. He knows you are not emotionally detached from your kids. He is worried you are emotionally detached from him. Stay the course. You are doing great. Two things... First... Congrats on your first day of non-smoking. You can do it!!! I know a number of lifelong smokers who have managed to kick the habit. It just takes some commitment and determination and I know you have no shortage of either of those characteristics. Second... WTF is up with that stupid camera?? I think you should just tell your H you are turning it off and that you don’t like to be spied on. Or... better yet, have it uninstalled and get just a plain alarm system without the video option. It is ridiculous that he keeps turning it on. That is not for your safety...it’s spying.
It can't just be that I said no to organizing a therapist for D12. I mean how do you get "you are selfish", "you are emotionally detached from your own children" and have a "you have a screw lose" from just the simple act of my saying "No - you sort it out this time".
Is this typical behavior when the WAS starts to feel you moving away from them?
I am still reeling from the accusations "you have a screw lose because of your childhood comment" - My childhood was difficult and there are only a handful of people who know about it, mainly because they were there. I finally told my H during MC last year. He didn't say anything at the time. Just watched me.
I am thinking of sending him a text/email along the lines of the below ... and would like some feedback.
"H, I can see how it might seem to you I am pulling away from the children. In the past, whenever you have been with the children we have been together as a family - you, the girls AND me. However, you have made it clear that your idea of family does not include me (you care more about [our dog] than you do me) and whilst it hurt at first, I am accepting of this. When I am with the children on my own, I am fully committed to them in the same way as I have always been. I support your decision to put D12 into counselling and will make myself available in whatever way is required. Lastly, I would appreciate you not using my childhood against me. The fact you did a) tells me I was right to keep it from you and b) I lost a little respect for you yesterday. If you use it against me again, any hope we had of a future relationship, be it friendship or reconciliation, will be gone and you will be no more than the biological father of my children".
Stick to business and the kids. Reaching out like that to justify yourself might feel good in the moment, but it is counterproductive to DBing. You don't need to justify your actions to him, and it looks weak to do so. Same with making threats about using your childhood trauma against you. You are showing him that he has power over you, that he can get to you with his digs. Don't give him that satisfaction.
You need to let go whatever he thinks about you and your parenting. It doesn't matter. Do what you know is best for yourself and your kids and let him think whatever the h#ll he wants to.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
I agree with Davide FS. You wrote that in reaction to his complaining and accusing you of something you know is not true. No need to defend yourself...he knows you are a good mom. He is trying to make you the problem. Don’t let him. It will only get in the way of him looking in the mirror and coming to terms with the fact that he and his choices are a big part of the reason your D12 is struggling. Don’t give him something else to focus on. Just keep up with all of your effforts. I know if it were me posting this, you would give me the exact same advice. Take a step back. Quiet your mind. Do something fun today with you and your Ds. (((HUGS)))
I know you’re both right. He is just baiting me. I still can’t believe he stouped that low and to then call me selfish after all he has done. This is so hard. It feels like I am letting him off again.
Right, lovely day today otherwise. Went to watch D12 play footie. After an extremely long losing streak (I’m talking seasons not games) their team won today. 2-0 both goals by D12. I screamed through the entire match. It was excellent. H missed this game (working) so I sent him a text “2 nill our way. D12 scored both”. I think this is ok.
Out for dinner with the girls then going to watch nut cracker. H mentioned before he left last night he might pop round to see girls but as we are busy (I heard D12 say mummy is taking us to see a movie when he called and asked what they were up to this afternooon) I guess if he did decide to pop around, he will just have to find something else to do.
Thank you D and DjV - it still feels wrong not to say anything but you are right - it wouldn’t achieve anything either
Good for you FS!!! Sounds like you turned it around and had a great day with your ads. I don’t think there is anything wrong with sending your H a text about your ads goals. Reminds him that he is still part of a family and, at the same time, that family is enjoying a life without him too...that he is missing out. It is such a fine line, isn’t it? Friendly but not too friendly? I find I am uncomfortable when I stray too far onto one side or the other. I still love my H. I think he is still struggling even though he puts on a good front. I don’t want to add to his troubles but they are his to solve. Looking forward to seeing my kids this evening. I haven’t seen them since Thursday morning and I miss them. Anyway...two more matches in the team event and then the tournament is done for another year. Having a lot of fun!!! Enjoy what is left of your day. (((HUGS)))
