Dealing with a WW trying to save marriage

[Maximus]

I'm honestly completely detaching. The only reason I mentioned where she was is because she hurt the kids by lying to them.

I went out with three friends tonight after I hit the gym. It was a good night.

One question, I know that I'm supposed to still interact with WW. What if I dont want to? I can't stand who she has become. I pity her actually. I dont want to be rude but i literally dont want to even talk to her. Shes not initiating any contact at all. Which is fine with me.

I actually feel much better when shes gone. This shell of my wife garnishes no interest from me whatsoever.

Hi ST,

Detaching and GAL are about the results and not the actions. Going out with friends and living your life is the process but not the goal. Much like going to a gym and eating right is the way to lose weight but hitting does not mean you are.

I still sense anger,a desire for retribution and focus on your wife using the relationship with the kids as a front.

Peace

Max

[SoTorn]

Oh I was going out to just de-stress and enjoy my friends like I should have been all along.

I dont know why you sense all of these things. I'm hurt but I'm not angry. I was upset that she lied to my kids because it hurt them. I have no desire to be vengeful or vindictive. That accomplishes nothing.

I have actually lost 80lbs since April. That was my goal and i accomplished it. Me getting out with friends is simply me making sure that I am being active and not subjecting myself to her hurtful actions.

I have not spoken with her. I had emailed her a while back stating that I dont agree on divorce but wont stop her. That I will not be in an open marriage and that I want to be friends but can't as long as she is speaking to OM.

She finally responded to it this morning. Same WW different day. The tone of her email wreaks of adversity and resentment for me simply spending time with my kids when she is out of town.

She is desperately trying to get me to talk about finances and negotiate something with her. I responded and just told her that I will continue to strengthen my relationship with my kids and I feel that is a good thing. I advised her that I wont discuss anything with her as long as she is talking to OM.

[SoTorn]

I think that she may have retained an attorney and is trying to get me to agree to mediation. Should I just go through with it if she does?

I don't want her in the house but I don't think I can qualify for it if I buy her out. I would have to refinance it for its full worth, which would give me about $100K in equity split between us. I mean I would be fine making the payments, but alone I don't think I can qualify for that.

If this ends I honestly don't really want to live in the house. The house is our dream house that we finally built four years ago. If I leave she has to buy me out and split assets. If that happened I would have enough money to get myself a hour or something. She keeps bringing up 50% custody. There is no way that would happen with her traveling three to four days per week for her job/affair.

Should I just do nothing unless I am served with some sort of papers?

[Davide]

SoTorn,

You can't stop her from getting the D if that is what she wants, so it is fruitless to try. That said, you can certainly let her take on all the work for it. Mediation is a much cheaper and possibly less contentious environment than battling it out in the courts. Some people refuse and hold out for the courts because that process can take longer and buy them more time. Personally, I would prefer to do mediation. Of course going to mediation does NOT mean that you have to agree to her all of her demands, or even agree to what the mediator says. You can go in and walk away at any point if you are unhappy with the process.

I don't understand why you won't discuss financial arrangements with her so long as she is with OM. That makes sense for discussing the relationship or possible R, but the financial stuff will have to be settled at some point. It seems like you are using that as a threat to try to get her to stop seeing OM. That is controlling. Stop trying to control her. If you want to just wait for her to file and deal with it all then, that is fine, but you will have to deal with the financials whether or not she is still with OM.

I hear you about the house. I am in a similar situation. I would just give it time and see how it plays out. If it ends up that you want to move out there is no problem. If you want to stay you can cross that bridge when you come to it. I don't think there is anything you can do right now to help that situation.

[SoTorn]

So I get home and as I walk in my wife is screaming profanity at the top of her lungs at D16. I guess D16 heard her talking to OM and D16 told her that if she continues down this path that she will make sure that she never sees D16 again and that D16 and S11 will live with me for sure. Unfortunately instead of having a moment of clarity WW just started threatening to punish D16 and take all her stuff from her etc.

WW went ape sh*t. Screaming F@#k you at D16. I got D16 and S11 and left. Jesus. WW is waaaaaaay in fantasy land.

[Grace21]

WW went ape sh*t. Screaming F@#k you at D16. I got D16 and S11 and left. Jesus. WW is waaaaaaay in fantasy land.

Fantasy land? Yikes. I feel for your kids! That's terrible. Very abusive, IMO. I hope you document all of her antics!

[SoTorn]

Full meltdown mode. But I'm not involved. WW telling her whole family how horrible I am.

[SoTorn]

WW went ape sh*t. Screaming F@#k you at D16. I got D16 and S11 and left. Jesus. WW is waaaaaaay in fantasy land.

Fantasy land? Yikes. I feel for your kids! That's terrible. Very abusive, IMO. I hope you document all of her antics!

Yep.

[SoTorn]

WW just got curb stomped by reality. I really hope that she at least caught a glimpse of what she has done to this family.

[SoTorn]

SoTorn,

You can't stop her from getting the D if that is what she wants, so it is fruitless to try. That said, you can certainly let her take on all the work for it. Mediation is a much cheaper and possibly less contentious environment than battling it out in the courts. Some people refuse and hold out for the courts because that process can take longer and buy them more time. Personally, I would prefer to do mediation. Of course going to mediation does NOT mean that you have to agree to her all of her demands, or even agree to what the mediator says. You can go in and walk away at any point if you are unhappy with the process.

I don't understand why you won't discuss financial arrangements with her so long as she is with OM. That makes sense for discussing the relationship or possible R, but the financial stuff will have to be settled at some point. It seems like you are using that as a threat to try to get her to stop seeing OM. That is controlling. Stop trying to control her. If you want to just wait for her to file and deal with it all then, that is fine, but you will have to deal with the financials whether or not she is still with OM.

I hear you about the house. I am in a similar situation. I would just give it time and see how it plays out. If it ends up that you want to move out there is no problem. If you want to stay you can cross that bridge when you come to it. I don't think there is anything you can do right now to help that situation.

I wont discuss them because she is using the fact that she makes more money to punish me.shes not trying to be reasonable. Shes pointing out that if I pay half of everything that she will have a bunch of money and I wont. I know its punitive because she has berated me for only making twice the median national household income per year by myself because I only have a high school diploma.