Btw - the youngest daughter's message told me it was inappropriate of me to contact her, that their relationship was nobody's business but hers and her family's (didn't I SAY that it was not my business why they were estranged??) and that I had no right to try to change her opinion of him because of his illness (again, I most certainly did NOT say that, I simply said that if they wanted closure time was of the essence - closure could mean telling him off for all I know. )
I clearly struck a nerve big time. I'll refrain from making any kind of assessment of her personality based on this because, after all, I DID slap her in the face with the grim reality of her father's mortality. Still, it's hard for me to imagine my youngest, who is estranged from his own father, reacting this way to a stranger in a similar situation.
I wonder how it must affect CMM to overhear my conversations with my own children? They are always loving and warm.
Btw, at the end she said it was not okay for me to come into her life and give her information she never asked for (remember, they already knew he had stage 3 lung cancer) then said thanks for your time but don;t message me again.
So far I'm leaning towards no reply at all (she DID say don't message her) - do you think that's best or should I simply say something like "Understood"?
As far as what else could their possibly be, well....
You are only hearing his side of the story of what kind of father he was. You don't know their side and if his is truth, unfortunately. Or, they could have been brainwashed by their mother or told them lies.
There could be a very huge skeleton in his closet his is not sharing. This is a strong possibility.
Either way, you tried to reach out, and they are armed with the info and made the choice.
You can continue to be there and support him not needing to know the true story. That is up to you and only you.
Yeah I keep looking for that skeleton and not finding it. But there must be SOMEthing, right? Otherwise, if he was really as good a father as it appears, wouldn't his girls have seen through their mother's version by now?
Well, I didn't break their relationship and it's not mine to fix. And so far, although he has some quirks like all of us do by this age (jealousy being the most bothersome to me, followed by his OCD) I don't see anything that would cause me to abandon him in his time of need.
The one daughter sounds like she has some issues w/her father that have never been resolved. She could be angry that, in her eyes, he abandoned them when he divorced their mother. It also could be that she is just an angry person who feels guilty for the time lost and now has to face the fact that her father is not well. Whatever the reason, you have gone over and above trying to communicate with them. I would not contact her again. Leave her to stew. If the other daughter continues to appear receptive to your postings, then I would keep her updated on her father's condition. She can be the one to tell her angry sister.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
The other daughters haven't contacted me, just the middle one texted her father. I won't contact any of them again unless they approach me first - I gave them the information and a way to contact me, the rest is up to them.
I'm glad that one daughter contacted her father. Maybe she will be messenger to the others. You've done all you can and it is now up to them.
My xh was the same way as the angry daughter is towards his own father who walked out the door. He remained that way and when his father passed away, xh had a lot of regrets and unfortunately, the death was one of the triggers to set him in motion for a crisis. He never resolved the issues he had and now, well, unless they meet on the other side, it's too late to discuss them w/his dear old dad.
I hope the girls will wake up and realize that time doesn't stand still for any of us and it's too late when we've passed away.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Wow.. You are an angel that was sent to him, It saddens me to read about what's going on with him, but I feel hope in you being there for him.. I think the main reason I try to keep an open mind to a R in the future is simply because the thought of getting old and dying alone is horrible.. You are there for him, and frankly, that's a gift from God.
As for the R with his daughters, do you know if the D's knew she was an alcoholic before he left her, and/or did she get worse after he did? I'm simply wondering if their mom is in bad shape now and if they blame that on him for leaving her?
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
I have a friend whose XW died of lung cancer three years ago. Of his 4 children, the younger 2 were estranged at the time - living in another city with their mother. The older 2 sons were in his life, living in the same city at least, but still very close to their mother. Anyway, just before she died, his XW attempted to reach out to her XH (my friend), but so half-heartedly/ineffectually that whatever it was she wanted to say never got said. To this day I still do not know whether she had attempted to get the kids to broker the communication - they're not saying and my friend won't ask.
I suspect their behaviour after her death points to the possibility that she did ask them to get him to contact her - for unfortunately, there is a lot of guilt and shame within them all. Of course it's all perfectly logical. From what I can gather, they were all fed a constant line of bitterness and anger about their father. Although he now has a much stronger relationship with them all, they are occasionally very disrespectful and angry towards him and close questioning nearly always uncovers a "Mum said you..." story lurking behind that behaviour.
The younger two have huge emotional issues that occasionally turn them suicidal. I think this is partly because the death of their mother has left them feeling disloyal when they redevelop their feelings of love for their father - but they can't help getting closer to him anyway. They are constantly torn between her memory and his reality.
The two older children both feel huge guilt because they didn't believe their mother when she told them how sick she was. This was also a perfectly logical response - I believe she had a long history of using illness to guilt them into doing whatever she wanted. Tragically, she called one of them the day she died, but he was 'too busy' to answer her call and by the time he called back it was too late.
After his mother died, he tried to do everything she'd have wanted; married his girlfriend, bought a house and had a child. However, the guilt and shame got to him, so he started an affair, then left his wife and 6-week old baby to live with the OW. The whole family is appalled - so he has cut them all out of his life to avoid the shame.
It's a mess. My friend despairs sometimes - he wonders if his children will survive, let alone ever be truly happy.
My advice? Ask CMM to consider how he wants his children to deal with the guilt and shame his daughters will almost inevitably feel when he passes. I think your idea of a journal is an excellent one. He can document there the answers to the questions they haven't asked yet - but most probably will.
Wow - yes, it's that kind of regret on the part of his daughters that I had hoped to avoid - it seems like such a burden to carry forward. Still it's not in my control, I've given them the information they will do what they will with it.
I will work on the journal idea - it's tricky, because I don't want CMM to think I'm assuming he'll die, and he's still pretty healthy right now, but I do want to be prepared with something I could give them if he dies.
I'll also have to research options for legal stuff - if he gives me a legal power of attorney, does that apply after his death to taking possession of his remains? Or will that still have to be next of kin? What if his girls don't claim his remains?
