Finding my way into the light

[Holding]

Thanks for the support J9, M, and Focus!

I don't know why you're expecting 2x4s.

Mainly because I was mentioning how I'd wanted to save my M. I know we all did - that's why we're here. But I've gotten my fair share of 2x4s about fighting for the M way past the point of it being a smart thing to do, or even hoping for recon post-D. I just wanted to clarify that time continues to give me a new perspective on things, and the toxic parts of the M have become clear.

I wholeheartedly agree with what your IC said. You have to get rid of your shame and guilt. Exercise more self-compassion for yourself. You don't really know if you had made those changes earlier that it would've saved your M. Playing the 'what if' game is a dead-end. There is never going to be a satisfactory answer to that.

I'm working on it. I know the "what if" game is pointless. She simply wanted out. The end.

I think you're doing amazing compared to where things were. Keep your chin up!

Thanks!

I have absolutely no respect for my XW. My daughter had a soccer game yesterday at noon and my XW didn't even make it.

I sympathize. My XW's chronic lateness is something my kids have had to deal with. There's a lot of sitting around and waiting for them when it's her turn to take them to dinner. S12 has spent an hour looking over his shoulder at a football game, wondering where his mom is.

I think on some level I need to respect XW as my kids' mother, and my IC constantly encourages me to think of her that way. She says I need to forget about XW as the person she used to be, and even who she became during the D, and think of her solely as the half-time guardian of my kids. It's super hard, as XW has little respect for me and my time, and is constantly trying to pick fights.

You will find someone, some day that will blow your XW out of the water.

Here's hoping! (though it is a low bar)

[TBSakaJ9]

I respect her as their mother but that is about as far as it goes. She is in her own world and I really have no idea who she is any more. You will find someone just be patient with yourself. I just had some 33 yr old hit me up just have fun with no expectations. As G says......they are all guilty until proven otherwise.

[neffer]

Time and patience Holding, time and patience...

It gets better

Sending you a hug

(((H)))

[dusty70]

I sympathize. My XW's chronic lateness is something my kids have had to deal with. There's a lot of sitting around and waiting for them when it's her turn to take them to dinner. S12 has spent an hour looking over his shoulder at a football game, wondering where his mom is.

H, Even though I don't really post here much anymore I do try to keep up with the people like you that went through it during the same time. I am dealing with this exact thing right now, a little different as the activities she does show up for she is on time! lol My S14 mentioned to me the other day that mom misses all my games, does she even care what I do anymore?? I felt bad for him as I saw how disappointed he was, I told that him I'm there to watch along with grandma and grandpa and I will always be there for him! I also said to him that if he wants his mom to go then talk to her, his response was...... I don't care about her anymore so I don't need to talk to her! And then I didn't know how to respond to that.

So, reassure your S12 that you will always be there and encourage him to talk to his mom if he wants her there. Focus on you always being there, I know it may not feel like it from time to time but the kids will know who put in the work for them! You're doing a great job!! Have a great weekend

[Holding]

Belated thanks to J9, Neffer, and Dusty for the replies!

Last night I had a second date. Let's call her SG. The second date is rare from my OLD experience - this is the fourth time out of 17 it's happened. Though I feel like I had to do a fair amount of pursuit and initiation to get to this second date with SG. Maybe she's shy. And she's new at this. (Or maybe I'm making excuses )

SG's an introvert like me. She also described herself as a little nerdy, and I just think it's the cutest thing ever! I thought about kissing her during the date (kept looking at her mouth), but I guess I'm not that good at making "the move", so I waited till the end. It was a nice kiss, very relaxed. I can't recall a single date I've been on where there was a kiss on the first date. A lot of guy friends tell me I need to be more proactive on that. Not sure about that, since my IC told me I should be more accepting of who I really am. Then again, I don't want to repeat the mistakes of the past.

Anyway, here's the catch with SG. Her D is not yet final - this is usually a hard stop for me. She's separated, the marital home has been sold, and she was supposed to be done about a month ago, but there's been a delay with the paperwork. I understand what that's like - I actually started going on dates a few weeks before the decree was signed, but in my case the D had already been "granted" by the court. So wondering if I'm being a hypocrite here, or trying to justify why this might not work so I can spare myself some pain down the line, taking the easy way out, etc....

I've had women treat me like a hot potato when I mentioned how recent my D was. I wonder if there's any wisdom in that. Looking back, I do know that the for the first few dates I went on, the experience of going on the date was its own reward, and I've slowly come to have my feelings unlocked and find myself actually ready for something real now. I'm more aware of the other person's feelings and how there's a potential for pain and loss for both of us.

I know we all move at different speeds in terms of dealing with D and being ready for something. An important part I think is the introspection and self-examination.

No real question here. Just putting some ramblings down on paper and mulling things over.

[kml]

Her divorce is as good as done - I wouldn't let that stop you.

The important thing is less about the paperwork and more about, is she DONE?

In my case my ex cheated, I DBd and we reconciled, had several good years until he left in a blaze of MLC glory. When he filed I was DONE, there was no way I would have taken him back again and I had peace in my heart that I had done everything possible for my marriage.

My divorce took two years to be finalized but I began dating soon after he left. I was confident I didn't want him back under any circumstances and so was emotionally available for a new relationship. However, I had been dealing with my marriage problems for over 8 years at that point.

The big questions are not when her divorce is final but how long have they been separated and does she have residual feelings for him?

[doodler]

Nerd chicks are awesome!

[TBSakaJ9]

I agree with K......I think it's all about her attitude and if she is done not when the D is final.

[Holding]

Need advice on SG. 4 out of 5 times I have to reach out to her, so I've decided to let it go a while and see if she reaches out to me. Last I heard from her was 5 days ago. Mind you, this is a girl I've been on 2 dates with and we've kissed. I'd expect her to have a little more interest in me at this point. I'm moving on with other prospects, but I'd still like to pursue something with SG. Thoughts?

On another note, XW has been a nightmare. She had a debt she was aware of at mediation, but did not disclose until about a month ago. She then asked me to split the debt, and I refused. So she's gotten a L and is in contact with my L. I know XW is in a bad place (emotionally and financially), but she's no longer my problem. I hope she finds some peace in life, otherwise she'll continue to try to make me the scapegoat for all her problems. I'm actually hoping she finds an OM.

[LH19]

Holding,

I would reach out to her and say "hey XXXX I would like to see you again, when are you free to get together. If she responds with dates, set a date. If she declines you walk and never look back.

Your ex is a piece of work. You are so lucky to have got out of that marriage. Not your circus not your monkeys.