Dealing with a WW trying to save marriage

[ovrrnbw]

One more thing I purchased a very nice car for myself a few months back. At the time she told me to go ahead. But after she got deeper into the A she started complaining about it and telling me I need to sell it. I like my car and I take my son to the race track in it often. Should I sell the car?

We don't have financial issues BTW.

Well if you can afford to pay her for half of it then keep it.

Whether he spends the money on a car or it sits in an account, she's getting half.

[neffer]

Emotionally this is a terrible situation, but it sounds to me that legally you are actually in a very favorable situation if you play your cards right.

A disclaimer - following my advice will most likely get you divorced, but my views are that:

a. It is generally preferable to be happily divorced than miserably married, and always better to be happily divorced rather than miserably divorced.

b. You will be much more successful if you only try to control your actions that are under your control, and not try to control your WW actions or outcomes that are not under your control.

c. You really cant control the outcome of whether you stay married or get divorced, but you have a lot of control whether you are happy or miserable in either outcome.

d. The actions you need to take to be happy with whatever outcome arises are basically the same whether that outcome ends up being divorce or reconciliation, and it all boils down to putting yourself in the strongest possible position in terms of finances, custody, emotions and health.


So, to that end I have a checklist of actions I would advise you to boldly undertake if you were consulting with me:
1. Keep a journal documenting ever single parenting action you take. There should be a full entry every day, even if it is just "texted kids at their mom's"

2. Visit many different attorneys ASAP, especially any you can find with a "shark" reputation. You will get different opinions, you will also block your WW from hiring any of these sharks. Most nightmare divorces boil down to a nightmare lawyer.

3. File for divorce with primary custody and support. Get your older kids to write down their preference on living with you. Don't move out until you have papers filed, or you have your lawyer's blessing in writing. As to filing under adultery, that depends on your jurisdiction and the judge. Where I am it is a great advantage most of the time, but other places it is just extra legal costs.

4. I don't advocate full blown exposure like you see on other sites, but I strongly advise you to not keep her affair a secret from anyone. You must understand that she has been building a case against you for many months, and you need support from people who know the truth. Also, I believe you have a moral obligation to tell OM's wife.

5. Show your cards on exposing to her and OM's employer, keep this option as leverage.

6. Spend time with your kids, friends, family. Look for support. Work out to exhaustion every day using HIIT and heavy weights. Think about where you might want to live/move, change your hair style and buy new clothes that are nicer and younger than you currently wear, and smile at the check-out girl.

7. Don't send any communications to anyone that you don't want read aloud in court. And don't argue the case or any sort of logic with your WW, it will accomplish nothing and only do you harm.

8. Keep the car!


If you do all this, and do it right now while your WW is still infatuated with OM then this process will be wife will not even notice you leave, or she will find herself with the rug pulled out from under her and suddenly you look like the better options.

Good luck!

Or you can get the do-it yourself-lobotomizer- set and perform a subtle intervention while she’s sleeping. End of the problems.

Who’s next?...

[SoTorn]

So I got home after work and WW confronted me about wanting to discuss finances and divorce. I told her I did not want to discuss anything and she blew up on me. Started cursing. I just reminded her this was her fault. I said if she wants to talk it's not about the future and I'll listen if she can be cordial. But other than that she sent me a text saying "no f#$cking way I'm staying married to you".

I guess she went to an attorney today and gave her twisted side of the story. I have spoken with four attorneys. The only fight would be the kids. She wants me to love out so she can live here. I told her I'm not going anywhere.

I was aggravated but I didn't yell or scream.

[neffer]

Stay away from any talk. Give her time and space. Get your lawyer’s info into your head. Do not confront her.

Keep DB man, it’s hard but it’s what you got. You can’t control her.

Stay strong ST!

[SoTorn]

Should I go ahead and lawyer up by retaining one?

[DavidUK]

change your hair style and buy new clothes that are nicer and younger than you currently wear, and smile at the check-out girl.

I did that and got talking to a check-out girl who then asked for my phone number as we have things in common. We went out for a night and had a great time. She's exactly half the age of W, totally gorgeous really WOW, very intelligent, hard working doing the check-out job whilst doing studies, and we have so much in common it was incredible. She knew more about my passions than I did. No chance of R but we had a fantastic evening being sociable.

[SoTorn]

change your hair style and buy new clothes that are nicer and younger than you currently wear, and smile at the check-out girl.

I did that and got talking to a check-out girl who then asked for my phone number as we have things in common. We went out for a night and had a great time. She's exactly half the age of W, totally gorgeous really WOW, very intelligent, hard working doing the check-out job whilst doing studies, and we have so much in common it was incredible. She knew more about my passions than I did. No chance of R but we had a fantastic evening being sociable.

Nice. What's her number? Lol.

So if WW comes home and wants to talk about anything other than finances or divorce, for instance, any concerns she has about our previous marriage. Do I just listen and nod? She may.

[Phoenix9]

Hey ST, I was born and raised in NM myself. Lived in the northern part of the state before I moved to the Northwest. I envy your easy access to red and green chile .

For your sitch, the best advice I can give you right now is to continue to post and read others' posts for insight. I would try to limit contact with your WW as often as you can. Whether she wonders or not, that's none of her business. She wants out, why should she care what you're up to?

You have a good head start in what is going to be a very long and painful journey (sorry). I have been told that in the long run, things will work out. I'm seeing flashes of that, but it is still a painful trek. I'm four months in to DBing after nearly 7 months of spiraling down.

Hang in there.

[SoTorn]

Ok. So she wanted to argue. But, I deescalted her. I didn't talk about the future or love or finances or divorce. I asked her to just explain why she can't leave me be, aka not ambush argue. She essentially told me she feels like I'm trying to push her out and take all her money.

I actually laughed. I kept it brief and explained that I understand how she feels right now, I do not want to fight and that my goal is not to anger or hurt her. I asked if she was still talking to OM and she is. I gave her my opinion on that calmly and straight forward. As long as shes talking to him I don't want to talk to her about anything.

I told her that this person she is now is not my wife, but we can get along for the kids sake. I just set boundaries that she will not mistreat me or bully me into talking about the future.

She thinks that I'm backend trying to control her. I asked why and she didn't have an answer. I only talked to get her to stop causing conflict because I'm tired of it. She seems to have agreed.

I'm still retaining an attorney though.

[Ready2Change]

Good job! You did well.

When you do need to talk, use as many I statements as possible. Avoid YOU statements.

"I need to to think about what you have said"