Ok, getting closer to contacting CMM's daughters, but I looked at my original letter and felt it was too wordy and maybe too personal. Please give me feedback on this version instead:
Information about your father: please contact me at (email address)
Hi, I’m sorry to barge in like this but feel like I have information you need to know. I’m a personal friend of your father’s, and although I am not HIS treating physician, I am a practicing physician myself. I met your father in June and have been helping him through his treatment.
I know that you girls are estranged from your father although I do not exactly know why. That’s not my business. But I wanted to make sure that you have all the information you need to make informed decisions about your relationship with him.
Your father’s lung cancer is Stage IIIB. I try to help him keep an optimistic attitude, and I tell him what I tell my patients – “statistics are statistics but there is no cancer so bad that SOMEONE hasn’t survived it, and that may be you”. Still, you should know that his prognosis is rather dire. His tumor grew rapidly during the month from first diagnosis to start of chemo. Generally his type and stage of tumor has only a 5-10% 5 year survival rate, and a median survival with treatment of only 13 months (meaning there’s a 50% chance he may die before 13 months.) His odds may be worse because of the rapid growth we’ve seen and statistically because he is male and African-American.
Please don’t tell your father that I contacted you. I just wanted you to understand that if you do hope to have any type of closure with your father, time is of the essence. I know he loves you and misses you greatly.
Do they currently know that he has lung CA? If not, I think it's very abrupt to introduce that fact by saying "your fathers lung cancer..." If I was the child I'd thing lung cancer? What lung cancer! If they are already aware then the wording is fine. If not then something more like "I'm ver sorry to have to tell you your father has lung cancer."
The only other comment then is to put a better time frame on the stats. They may well take it as he still has 13 months from right now which I know you understand is not true. Perhaps even saying that means July 2019 for a median survival but we have no way of knowing - it could be much longer or could be mere months.
I again don't know their level of understanding but do know they may well want to believe it's not as bad as it is. That's often just human reaction to rationalize. Other than those two points I again think it's fine. It mostly depends on how he is doing. From the little you have provided he seems better or at least not declining as fast as he had been. The tight rope walk here is to give enough info to get them to understand without losing hope.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
(((kml))) - I have nothing to suggest other than to send you a hug and what strength I can. I am sure that this is very difficult for you.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
They do know that he has stage 3 lung cancer. They're in their early 20's and probably don't appreciate exactly what that means.
Well, perhaps not to the level you or I do but I would have to imagine that just the word CANCER scares the bjesus out of them. However, the fact that they do know he has 3b CA and still have not reached out does make one wonder. If so, it may be even more important that this door get opened now as it may take multiple steps for them to fully understand and the sooner the first step is taken the sooner full realization can occur. I so fear it may take a huge downturn in his health for them to understand.
I know I've said it before but it really bears repeating that everyone involved is soooooo lucky that you came into his life at the time that you did. I've always subscribed to the "everything happens for a reason" theory and this certainly screams of that. I hope your letter has the desired results. I have absolutly no doubt that you are making a huge difference in CMMs life!
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
the fact that they do know he has 3b CA and still have not reached out does make one wonder. If so, it may be even more important that this door get opened now as it may take multiple steps for them to fully understand and the sooner the first step is taken the sooner full realization can occur. I so fear it may take a huge downturn in his health for them to understand.
Agreed. And things can happen to cancer patients - they throw blood clots or have heart attacks, it's not just the cancer directly that we have to worry about. I'd hate to see them miss their chance.
Well I sent the messages but I'm not sure the results will be helpful. The one daughter who has had minimal contact with him did send a text yesterday morning asking how he was - and he hasn't responded yet, dithering all day about what he wanted to say in reply! His youngest responded directly to me with an angry message telling me to stay out of their business and never to contact her again.
I'll admit, it worries me that there could be something I don't know about him - I'm hard pressed to understand how his daughters could be so cold hearted in the face of his illness unless he had done something much worse than I know. And yet I don't get the feeling he has lied to me about anything.
The facts as I know them: he left their alcoholic mother when the youngest was in high school after HE called the cops on HER and she made a false accusation about him (which the police determined at the time was false).
He was a good provider but financial hard times came when six months after separation he tore his quadriceps and was disabled with that and extensive knee surgery for some time; when he was finally able to return to work they were reducing hours and he has never made that good money in subsequent jobs. The family home was sold in the divorce but the girls did have college savings accounts which they used. Two have finished college and are working, one is still in college.
He didn't cheat on his wife; she likely did cheat.
He didn't physically abuse his kids; he spanked one girl one time and felt so bad about it he never spanked again.
He was an involved father, taught his girls to golf, took them to their sports and school activities, read with the one who had a visual issue.
You might imagine as the spouse of an alcoholic was he one too? Although he is a wine aficionado and likes a glass with dinner it's usually one glass, I've never seen him drink more that two and never seen him intoxicated in any way.
When I try to imagine what could have gone so wrong here I'm left with these guesses:
He withdrew during the painful divorce and they feel he abandoned them too? He was more OCD/PITA than I know and that made their childhood difficult? His wife has convinced them of some awful untruth?
I've never picked up the slightest hint of anything like sexual abuse.
He's not a narcissist or personality disorder; if anything he's conflict Avoidant, a little OCD in a clean freak/germophobe way (but not crazy so) .
What else could there possibly be that would cause his daughters to be so cold in the face of possibly terminal illness?
(And yes, I have thought that the angry response from the youngest daughter may be as much about me slapping her in the face with her father's mortality as anything else - I mean, I said upfront that it wasn't my business why they were estranged and I just wanted them to have the facts. And I guess that's an example of exactly why I wanted to send the message - I expect that same anger to be misdirected at me if I contact them in a year about their father's death and I really don't want to be the target. )
What else could there possibly be that would cause his daughters to be so cold in the face of possibly terminal illness?
Angels and demons can be considered two different views of the same creature. He let them down. He abandoned them and their mother. He stopped "helping" / enabling.
Yes - he may have had good reasons that make perfect sense but not to a selfish entitled person who is used to having things their own way.
Just my 2 cents from a farther distance away with poorer visibility of the reality.
You've done what you felt you needed to do. Now you need to let go of it and focus on what's in front of you and what's important. You will probably never know the answers. And certainly not answers that will make sense to you and satisfy you.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Yes - he may have had good reasons that make perfect sense but not to a selfish entitled person who is used to having things their own way.
Interesting that you say this. He has suggested in the past that perhaps he spoiled his daughters too much - but honestly he doesn't seem like the type to have been THAT over-indulgent. If anything I would expect him to have been a bit strict with things like dating and schoolwork but perhaps indulgent with material goods. Maybe mom encouraged an entitled attitude though.
Still I find it hard to believe that being mad at your dad for a divorce five years ago that WASNT about him cheating or having a midlife crisis would be enough to not even respond to him when he tells you he has stage 3 cancer. You're right - I may never know. I certainly won't contact her again. Hopefully he'll respond to the middle daughter who texted yesterday and maybe they can gradually repair their relationship. If not, I'm going to encourage him to keep a journal for them.
