So why is this a common thing with guys? It does make me feel deceived. Because there were plenty of other guys I could have dated. But he was treating me very nice and it made me not want to search. Now, I am thinking, whats the point? And while I had been doing nice things to reciprocate, I am kind of done right now. And I am thinking, if I feel like that this early (almost 1.5 years) whats keeping me? Its not like we have kids together.
Wow. J9 the philosopher. Who hit it out of the park with that one simple line.
I do presentations to sales people from time to time and one dynamic that I emphasize is that there are two types. The hunter and the farmer. A hunter will put in the effort and go out and land new accounts and then move on and get some other new accounts. A farmer will work hard on keeping the book of business that they have happy, nurturing it and trying to keep the standard order flow.
In business, because there is always churn in customers, farmers may prosper for a while but it's the hunters who earn the bonuses.
Relationships are different. You need a partner who takes an interest, who makes an effort to keep the soil fertilized. Men and women both get complacent when they feel that they've "won". And in my opinion that is one of the key things that can cause relationships to grow stale. I was married for nearly 30 years. And yes, she did run off chasing after her boyfriend who she seems to still not have caught. In the Disney version of my memories, each and every day I was amazed that she was there and loved me and I made an effort to appreciate that. The actual reality was undoubtedly more sedate.
BUT - not all relationships involve woodland creatures doing the housekeeping. The sparrows still haven't figured out how to properly fold the napkins here. We accept our partners for the people that they show themselves to be if that person is acceptable to us. JuJuB - if your new guy isn't showing a lot of imagination in being romantic, well, that's who he is. You need to decide if he is a good partner otherwise. Is there reciprocity? Is there respect? Are you willing to forgo the flowers and romance in exchange for (presumed) reliability and consistency?
Just my own opinion.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Good points andrew....J I concur with what A said. I think its something you have figure out if your willing to accept as most men dont have the knowledge to know any different.
Juju, I've heard you talk about your BF mch like this multiple times before. But I've rarely heard you say positive things. Now I'm not saying everything has been negative. What I mean is the positives have only come after and perhaps to balance the negatives. I've never heard you say how he did something that made you feel really good. Ive never heard you say you love him. I read Gingers posts and it's clear she adores M. At best you seem to tolerate your guy. I can't say why. In my short list is are you really into him? It almost seems like you're not that into him - as the book title goes. And perhaps he's just not the guy for you.
OTOH what are you bringing to the R? It almost seems like you are expecting him to do most of the heavy lifting. You want him to dote on you and put in all of this effort. But should you not be doing the same? An R should be 50/50 if not 100/100. Even the things he is doing he's not doing "right" or at least well - not good enough.
Does some of this relate back to your ex? I seem to remember you saying how you put huge effort into your exH. Are you afraid to do that again? I can tell you that for me it gets really hard to do nice things for someone if it's not reciprocated or not appreciated. Couid he be getting sick of trying since he's not getting anywhere anyhow? I know I would. A woman doing something nice for me really makes me want to return that. If it's appreciated by her I also want to do more. But if it's getting to be expected or it's not appreciated or worse yet put down, I'm like why bother. And I know you're perhaps not saying anything to put his efforts down but ll bet he can sense it.
Why are you staying with him? What is he doing that you really love? Is there anything? It really seems like either this R has ran its course or you were just never that into him to begin with. Either of those are okay. They don't make you a bad person. It's just dating and an R that's not for the long term. Do you look forward to seeing him? Are you excited to see him? Do you light up when you see him? Do you think about him when you don't see him? If you answer most of these with no, perhaps you need to talk with him about this. Does he know you're not happy? Does he think you are?
That's a lot of questions - meant to hopefully get you to think. It seems like you've gotten kind of blah about your R with him. But is that due to him or to you? I'm betting it's a little of both.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
I notice that huge difference between ginger and I as well. I do not really know if it’s the guy I’m with or just my personality or perhaps my perspective in general. I don’t think I am capable of being that into someone. Like, it would take me years to form an attachment or the desire to give more to someone I think. I’m not sure why...Ginger is a lot further out from her divorce so that could be part of it. But in general I view and approach men and relationships differently. (That being said, if my brothers were single I would have done my best to set them up with her. If I was a guy, I know I would have been smart enough to go for her). She is more of the giver in a relationship. I’m not. Like when things start to feel unequal, I get upset cause I resent giving more. I don’t think with my ex, that I gave more. that wasn’t our dynamic. He got away with more though and I notice and resent that.
It’s why I talk a lot about more kids. With my son, I put him first and have a very selfless and unconditional love for him. Possibly with an animal as well. I like that feeling but I get annoyed and bogged down with a partner And I don’t really understand why. Is it me, or just not the right guy. I don’t know. I am the type that learns my lesson. I was badly taken advantage of in a very early relationship before my ex so that could be it as well.
Now with this guy, when he gave a lot in the beginning I did reciprocate. I’m not looking to be a taker or to take advantage of someone either. I put a lot of thought and time in my gifts. I also do not ask for much in terms of favors or help. When we go out to eat I order very inexpensively and offer to tip (he orders expensive stuff). . I will pay For the activity if I invite him
I looked more forward to seeing him earlier on when he was inititiaitng more. I think about him but more in a am I making the right choice sort of way. In the beginning I was more positive. I think ever since that trip I have had my guard up and I am looking at more of the potential red flag stuff. I do pay attention to positives, But in an analytical way. I am worried that did I focus to much on the positives in the beginning and refuse to see the negatives until now?
Sometimes I read the stuff on here from many of you guys, and I hate to say this but I honestly worry that the guys I meet will be like many of you (with the exception of Andrew).... looking for a woman to date and take out when they need a companion but not looking to establish a family,or liking the hunt and then not being quite as into them once they reciprocate. It makes me feel safe with my BF, cause I know he is looking for the woman that he can grow old with. I know that he is more of the loyal type. I’m just worried about compatibility maybe? I don’t know. I did not date as much as I should have either because I liked him in the beginning.
Idon’t mean to insult you guys either. I know that what you all say is the reality of how many men feel And it makes sense for you to think that way from a practical position. I just know that I would go out of my way to avoid men like that if I could and it scares me that it could be a pretty prevalent way of thinking
Sometimes I read the stuff on here from many of you guys, and I hate to say this but I honestly worry that the guys I meet will be like many of you (with the exception of Andrew).... looking for a woman to date and take out when they need a companion but not looking to establish a family,or liking the hunt and then not being quite as into them once they reciprocate.
Hey there! Don't put so much pressure on me. I'm not perfect. My f@rts smell really really bad if I've eaten onion soup for example.
I do agree though that there is a lot of variability in people. Both men and women. And quite a few of them are left up on the beach for valid reasons so finding a good one when you are dealing with a mature selection can be as hard as finding a piece of ambergris on the beach. As people will say "all the best ones are taken" - is undoubtedly especially true especially once you get past about 35 years old.
But we can still hope that we can find those people who can complement us and who we hope aren't too badly damaged by the rough handling that most mature singles have gone through.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I'm sorry - he didn't make any plans for Valentine's Day, gave you the same gift he gave his ex, AND gave you the same birthday present he did last year?
Nope. You're not entitled, you're seeing red flags.
Now -as for giving you the same thing as the ex - that's actually the thing that bothers me least. Often people seem to want to re-experience favorite places and things with their new partner that they did with their ex. I don't think that's laziness - more a misdirected attempt to share who they are with you.
But the other things? Nope.
I've got a terrible association with crappy Valentine's Days - but the one time I mentioned it to a partner (my crazy exBF) he went out of his way to give me a lovely Valentine's Day. Maybe you need to just speak up about what you want? That in the future you want presents unique to you, and expect plans for Valentine's Day. His response may tell you a lot
I'd like to comment a bit on the courting thing. First, Juju, I am humbled as you gave me the highest compliment. setting me up with a family member truly humbles me. Thank you! As to why I seem open to love. I think because I am still desiring my first real love. My first real R. Yes, I was married. Not for long and it was pretty much never good. It was me trying to get my husband to love me and treat me like family. Never happened. SO I guess I want the real thing. It sure has taken me a long time and found something pretty wonderful I look forward to keep nurturing. Or perhaps I am simply a fool to let myself feel deeply. I let myself feel love, but I am afraid to feel so much pain anymore, I probably have ignored lots of stuff I shouldn't have. This time around I have been very cautious and aware with my feelings.
On the "I've won them so I can stop" theory. I think this is why I don't find too much value in someone wining me and dining me so heavily in the beginning. Getting used to something that cannot be maintained is setting me up for a big let down. I don't even think I have had an R long enough for the dating to die out, lol. When I do something nice for and with M, I don't do it to win them, I enjoy it. I would hope a guy who dates me actually enjoys the dating part, doing stuff for me, and doesn't just do it to "win" me. I enjoy doing that stuff for my partner, but it has burnt out because I give so much, that getting nothing in return wears you down. M was never over the top. We have always had a good balance of dates, who's treating and doing stuff for eachother. He's never tried to "win" me, I think he just tried ot get to know me and enjoy spending time with me. Which has been nice.
I also think everyone can communicate more our needs. I certainly stink at that, but I am learning to do so.
Oh, and by the way, my ex used to blow holidays out of the park. Every other day of the tear, he treated me like crap
