we were already done" "If I were happy with a good husband I wouldn't have even thought about this."
Lol every cheating WAS says this. How could they justify their own poor choices if it weren't for what you did.
Quote
But I see that a lot of responses here warn not to move out.
In some places, it may hurt you, legally, to do so. But talk to a lawyer who will tell you if it is safe in the eye of the court to do so.
Don't worry about her visiting her father. Doesn't she know that she doesn't want to be like him in that regard?
A lot of WW's think their AP is their soulmate. Then one day, the WW ditches the AP when it gets boring or too messy or she needs money or realizes he is a loser or a smoker or drug user.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
I understand she needs consequences but the only consequence I have available may put me at a disadvantage legally. I don't want a divorce.
Im having trouble understanding what you mean here. She needs consequences...for what? So that she will want to be with you? Sure. Basically, she needs to come to the realization that she has LOST something by engaging in this relationship with OM in order for it to end. On the other hand, just because the affair ends does not mean she ill want to be with you. So if you go tell her job, his wife, etc, it certainly could end the affair....but that doesnt mean you will become the most attractive option.
So if you dont want a divorce (which is fine), then what are your options?
- moving out? I think this isnt great. Especially if you have no way to take your kids with you - kicking her out? Im not really sure you can do that. Youd need to consult your L. But I am pretty sure she has a right to live there as your wife even if you change the locks.
so assuming neither of you is leaving, then what?
Like I said, your best bet is to treat her like a cordial houseguest. As if she is renting the room from you in an AirBNB. Stop initiating conversation. Stop pursuing her. Stop trying to control her. Focus on you and the kids.
Originally Posted by SoTorn
I could literally end up alone and without my kids. My kids want to live with me. My entire goal right now is to take care of my children and myself. If I shoot myself in the foot legally, then she will get the kids.
Again, from a legal/custodial perspective, what has your lawyer advised?
Contact has stopped. But I don't feel like I want to just be a house guest.
Legally, it could go a few ways. If I leave and take the kids she could flip out and file an order to get them back, which puts me in a bad position. She could accept her husband and kids are gone but file for divorce. Or she could do nothing.
If I just stay here she will have her cake and eat it too. I'm not trying to punish her by giving her consequences. I just don't want to be used. I need to act on my broken boundaries but I could screw myself over legally with the kids. And leaving alone is not a good option.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
One more thing I purchased a very nice car for myself a few months back. At the time she told me to go ahead. But after she got deeper into the A she started complaining about it and telling me I need to sell it. I like my car and I take my son to the race track in it often. Should I sell the car?
We don't have financial issues BTW.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
One more thing I purchased a very nice car for myself a few months back. At the time she told me to go ahead. But after she got deeper into the A she started complaining about it and telling me I need to sell it. I like my car and I take my son to the race track in it often. Should I sell the car?
We don't have financial issues BTW.
Well if you can afford to pay her for half of it then keep it.
Desperately trying to save my marriage and family.
Originally Posted by SoTorn
Should I consider myself single? I.E if I meet someone should I take an opportunity to fulfill my needs? I have never cheated. But I am a young man and I have desires, physical and emotional needs as well.
I am now confused. Which one do you want? Do you want to save your marriage or fulfill your needs?
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
So the issue with me leaving is that it can legally impact me. It's not that I am afraid of consequences. The issue with ne trying to force her out is legal consequences for me. Those are the big multipliers.
I don't think I understand this. Why would staying in the house have a legal impact on you. All the advice I have received (and I have consulted three different lawyers) consistently says stay in the marital home. Leaving has bigger legal consequences. If she wants to leave, let her leave. But that is her choice.
Originally Posted by SoTorn
I may change the locks. She could call the cops and they would make her leave. But we would have to repeat this over and over probably.
I don't know where you live, but here in the UK, you cannot force your spouse out unless they are a danger to yourself or the kids. It does not sound like this is the case. You also cannot change the locks. Once they have moved out they have a legal and moral obligation to not enter without an invitation or permission (though you still cannot change the locks).
Originally Posted by SoTorn
I don't want a divorce ... I feel she would happily sign divorce papers and drag my kids and I through the mud. I accept that it's over as it was, but I honestly cannot file. I don't believe in divorce and its against my strong morals and values.
Then don't file. GAL, detach and 180. Anything and everything she does should be like water off a ducks back. That is within your control. Treat her like someone you interact with at work, but don't really know. Polite, but not overly friendly. That is the consequence of her actions. She loses your emotional support. She loses the emotional impact she has on you. She starts to believe she has lost you. And believe me, losing the emotional support of someone you've relied on for years is like losing a limb. Even if she does not want you right now, it will still be like losing a part of her.
Originally Posted by SoTorn
Another issue is that she can work from home. I can't. Me taking time away from work hurts me at work. So if I do something it may put me at a disadvantage with custody of my kids ... I could literally end up alone without my kids
Get legal advice on this. Get some facts. And then work your options from there.
we were already done" "If I were happy with a good husband I wouldn't have even thought about this."
Lol every cheating WAS says this. How could they justify their own poor choices if it weren't for what you did.
Quote
But I see that a lot of responses here warn not to move out.
In some places, it may hurt you, legally, to do so. But talk to a lawyer who will tell you if it is safe in the eye of the court to do so.
Don't worry about her visiting her father. Doesn't she know that she doesn't want to be like him in that regard?
A lot of WW's think their AP is their soulmate. Then one day, the WW ditches the AP when it gets boring or too messy or she needs money or realizes he is a loser or a smoker or drug user.
Yep, I just talked about this in RWAlan's thread the other day:
Desperately trying to save my marriage and family.
Originally Posted by SoTorn
Should I consider myself single? I.E if I meet someone should I take an opportunity to fulfill my needs? I have never cheated. But I am a young man and I have desires, physical and emotional needs as well.
I am now confused. Which one do you want? Do you want to save your marriage or fulfill your needs?
I don't want to hookup with a woman. Please understand that my wife and I had great sex often. Even when she was in the EA. It kills me to not be intimate with her. I'm just going to avoid women for now.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
After reading your posts there are a number of points that I find puzzling:
Probably the first one and be honest to yourself... Do you love her? Why? What do you miss about your relationship?
- In all this time have you read the DR Book completely or skipped over pages looking for the short cuts. - In your relationship did you pass the leaderhip to her? - If you separated or divorced and ended up with the kids how would your life change socially and financially? - Do you really understand what GAL means? - I see your focus is Leaving the House or Not // Divorce // Kids // Consequences. What are your priorities? - Why are you forever setting ultimatums of one more .... Where do you draw the line? - Have you looked in the mirror and seen what was your part and what have you done to change?
The reasons for these questions is that many posts have been made with good advice but I have the impression you left out parts particularly about you and unless you study (not just read) the DB book and its principles, what you interpret and what they mean are 2 completely different levels.
