Dealing with a WW trying to save marriage

[neffer]

Sorry you are here So Torn. Read what Cadet posted. It´s really important. You need to stick to DB.

Bundaries are for YOU, you control yourself. W is WW. Stay away from her. Garlic, crucifix and not going out at night for you...

Be there for your children. Detach from W, read what R2C posted above.

Be strong man, have patience, this is going to take a long time. No expectations, right?

[SoTorn]

Ok. Well I am going dark. The only contact was me writing a couple of letters explaining the affects of her neglecting our children and the affects on me.

I believe she is in a soulmate affair. This guy was her friend and when she was gone he took my place in fulfilling her in every way. She would rather be with him. He is married but lived away from his wife because of work. I think he may have stayed in Phoenix away from his wife. So if she has no consequences she will continue her frequent travel to be with him at all costs. The only way she will break free is by quitting and detaching from him. Right now she has no desire to do that.

I already separated accounts. Her mom is on my employee phone plan. I could cancel her line as well. I am thinking that I should move out with the kids. I know she is terrified of losing her children. She just wants her cake and to eat it.

Its unfortunate because I have truly changed and was here for her emotionally etc. She just didn't see it because of her focus on work and then her eventual EA then PA.

When I was listening to her talk to him they only spoke about work and then right into sexy talk. I heard him ask her why she decided to go ahead and have sex and she said that she just said "[censored] it". So I believe he told her his feelings a while back and she held her vows until a couple months ago.

I am very hurt. I know I will live fine without her. The truth is that it would take me a very long time to get over her. Honestly I don't think I would ever not love her and I would always have resentment and regrets. We have been together 21 years. I know deep down she cares because even when she was detaching from me she would have those few moments of clarity where she would hug me and cry etc. But she pushed herself past that once they got very involved. She would have to pick her family over her job and affair. I honestly believe she cant do that.

The sad thing is that I know this man will not leave his wife and since he is 20 years older than her, she would literally be spending her few years before menopause philandering with this man. She is terrified of turning 40. He would be 60. If they lived together she would probably realize he is way too old for her. Because he is.

My children are on board with moving out with me. They are afraid that she will fight over them and try to get them to move to Phoenix. They have no desire to move. Plus her mom lives here and her brother. Her mom would melt down if she moved out of town. She wont leave her mom.

I miss her badly. I am so used to being intimate often and it kills me to not be.

Should I consider myself single? I.E if I meet someone should I take an opportunity to fulfill my needs? I have never cheated. But I am a young man and I have desires, physical and emotional needs as well. I can't just live my life as a convenience.

Or should I GAL up to the p poo into where I just go to the gym, hang with friends and family and focus on school? The holidays are coming up. Should we attend family events all together or leave her out?

I need sleep meds badly. I can't sleep at all.

[neffer]

By the way, don´t let your wife reverse the burden of proof. Don´t confront her but there´s not need of such behavior. Validate feelings, but don´t buy rats.

[neffer]

Set boundaries, do not leave the house. Work on yourself, stick to DB. Detach and GAL. Keep reading and posting. You have TIME. Get some lawyer´s advice, keep your info to yourself, don´t snoop anymore, you have the answers you need.

Be there for your children and move forward. And yep...you need to sleep, you need to ease your mind. You are the owner of your destiny man.

I was a WW husband sometime ago. I managed to get back home. But I needed to get back the respect for my wife before I was able to think clear. Affair fog was everywhere. Stand there, set boundaries. Your W is free to go if she wants but she can´t be into a cake eating party if she stays. And you wait fo no one man, that´s a passive attitude.

Stay strong ST!

[DejaVu6]

I think you are just reacting right now ST. I don’t think it would do you any good to try to have an A. I know how tempting it is to try to escape the pain in that way but it would only be a temporary fix and, unless you were paying for it or meeting someone on a “hook-up” site, you would potentially be bringing someone else into the picture and it could get even messier than it already is. IMO...it would likely make you feel worse, not better. Live according to your values and beliefs and work through the pain. I think that is the only way to truly move on. There are no short cuts, I’m afraid. (((HUGS)))

[MoveFrwd]

Hello ST. SOrry you are here, but hopefully, you can use this gift of time wisely.

I have had a couple of conversations with her that end up in blaming me.

So it sounds like theres no reason to go this route any further.

Over the past week my wife has just sat in her room on her phone. I have been GAL very well. But shes in la la land badly. Bad affair fog.

Im glad you are GAL. Im not sure what her state has to do with your GAL activities though?

I told her that if she continues to travel for no reason that I am done.

So what does this mean, exactly?

She slept with another man how many times. And lied about it. Several times. So....now, youre saying that she can keep talking to him, sending dirty pictures, whatever. But if she goes to see him again, then you're "done"? This feels very arbitrary. If her work requires random travel, then who knows if he is also going to travel to wherever that is also. This doesnt feel like a boundary you can manage. Im not saying that you should or shouldnt file for divorce. Thats your choice. But is this boundary logical? Like this....

Wife is currently traveling to see a friend in Dallas and then to see her father.

Is he there? Theres got to at least be a chance. So how can you maintain that boundary?

I have written her a few letters that just explain to her that I am no longer pursuing her, that I am no longer allowing her decisions to affect my emotions. I will not take blame and just my perspective on the kids and everything. No threats or pleading. Just being honest on how her actions have affected the kids. What she has done to me etc. I have written two letters. Simply because she is ignoring the hell out of the kids.

Its funny to me that you wrote her a letter to tell her you are going to stop pursuing her.

Speak with ACTIONS not words.

The biggest issue I need help with right now is that my wife is still in contact with OM. She hides in the bathroom. I told her that her remaining in contact in this home is disrespectful. We aren't fighting. She may think I'm going to report her to her work but I'm not. I'm not vindictive. Just hurt badly.

Incredibly disrespectful. And so what are you going to do about it? In my opinion, you let her sit in the bathroom all night doing that while you are living your life. Let her play out this fantasy in her head while you keep your focus on you and GAL and do awesome stuff with your kids.

Stop trying to control her.

Right now she has zero consequences and will not leave. She has not scheduled another trip yet. Thank God he lives in another state. I want her to see consequences.

It sounds like you want someone else to punish her. You arent willing to hurt her back, but you want her to hurt nonetheless.

How about the consequence is missing out on your awesome life. And your kids' lives. To me, the best revenge is to for you be happy and successful. Does she need to be homeless or broke or whatever as a punishment for cheating?

Plus if I move out I'm sure she will immediately go travel.

So what?

If I do move out should I only do it if she schedules a trip for work? In order for us to reconcile she would have to quit. That's the only way she would have no contact with this man.

I dont understand. What is the difference of one more physical visit? Shes already texting and communicating with this guy non-stop. Live your life. Once you decide you have 'had enough', then take further action. Maybe that day is today? I dont know.

[lost8]

ST...a lot of advice coming at you. Take the time to stop and absorb it and slow down! You mind is all over the place, don't do anything drastic. Like everyone said whether she travels or not she is still communicating and lying about 100% of what is going on. After 6 months I find the lying and arrogance just as painful as the A. But you have to become numb to it, it will take time and only through changing what you do with your life.

Follow the rules when you are around WW and more important GAL! It is hard as anything and it will not feel real but just leave the house whenever you can to get away from her. I started out just driving or window shopping, getting out and having interactions with other people. It will take time!

We all panic and don't know what to do at first. How can I ever go on with my life without this person? We were all pathetic in the beginning chasing WWs around, I did the PI thing filed for divorce then withdrew the petition. Wasted money! I have been DB'ing for three months now in hopes of R but am at a point where I can feel true detachment. I thought I was detaching before but jumped on every test WW gave me. GAL has helped tremendously, I can honestly say that if the A stopped and WW came back 100% that I am not sure what I would do.

I like having my independence now too!

[SoTorn]

So the issue with me leaving is that it can legally impact me. It's not that I am afraid of consequences. The issue with ne trying to force her out is legal consequences for me. Those are the big multipliers.

I have to decide if me possibly losing my kids is worth me trying to take them. I am done contacting her. I don't want anyone to punish her.

I understand she needs consequences but the only consequence I have available may put me at a disadvantage legally. I don't want a divorce.

I feel she would happily sign divorce papers and drag my kids and I through the mud. I accept that it's over as it was, but I honestly cannot file. I don't believe in divorce and its against my strong morals and values.

I may change the locks. She could call the cops and they would make her leave. But we would have to repeat this over and over probably.

Another issue is that she can work from home. I can't. Me taking time away from work hurts me at work. So if I do something it may put me at a disadvantage with custody of my kids.

Unfortunately, although the choices are black and white, there are no black and white consequences for me. I could literally end up alone and without my kids. My kids want to live with me. My entire goal right now is to take care of my children and myself. If I shoot myself in the foot legally, then she will get the kids.

[neffer]

You don´t leave your house. Detach and GAL. Set boundaries. Take your time. Use your time, work on yourself, keep DBing.

[MoveFrwd]

I understand she needs consequences but the only consequence I have available may put me at a disadvantage legally. I don't want a divorce.

Im having trouble understanding what you mean here. She needs consequences...for what? So that she will want to be with you? Sure. Basically, she needs to come to the realization that she has LOST something by engaging in this relationship with OM in order for it to end. On the other hand, just because the affair ends does not mean she ill want to be with you. So if you go tell her job, his wife, etc, it certainly could end the affair....but that doesnt mean you will become the most attractive option.

So if you dont want a divorce (which is fine), then what are your options?

- moving out? I think this isnt great. Especially if you have no way to take your kids with you
- kicking her out? Im not really sure you can do that. Youd need to consult your L. But I am pretty sure she has a right to live there as your wife even if you change the locks.

so assuming neither of you is leaving, then what?

Like I said, your best bet is to treat her like a cordial houseguest. As if she is renting the room from you in an AirBNB. Stop initiating conversation. Stop pursuing her. Stop trying to control her. Focus on you and the kids.

I could literally end up alone and without my kids. My kids want to live with me. My entire goal right now is to take care of my children and myself. If I shoot myself in the foot legally, then she will get the kids.

Again, from a legal/custodial perspective, what has your lawyer advised?