AS - yes - when I read the above, it is extremely creepy. Control and suspicion has always been his thing. I never minded much because I am pretty chilled out most of the time. Plus, I've never had anything to hide. Looking back at some of the things he said to me when he was in his rewriting phase, it is obvious he still doubted me "that guy from work phoned you that one time four years ago".
I finally set the app up on my phone today - he can see everyone that comes in and out of the house !!! It has been unplugged before (the cleaner) and he plugs it straight back in when he comes over. I will take your advice AS, and unplug it. He is away at the moment so for the next 4 days he won't be able to spy on me (assuming that he does). It will drive him nuts.
I was reading on another thread advice to an LBS to buy sexy underwear. Funnily enough, last weekend I was in town and walked past an underwear shop which happened to have a sale on. This particular shop is famous for ... ahem ... women's electrical gadgets. But they also do nice underwear, which is what I bought. I then walked to H's flat, which is where I had left the car (he was watching the kids for me whilst I ran some errands in town). When I got there he asked if I wanted a cup of tea. I said yes, put my shopping bags down by the door, and then sat on the sofa. None of this was intentional. The shop was on sale and I made an impulse purchase. I didn't even think it was weird until I got to his flat. I tried to hide the bag under another shopping bag, but the bag was very big and very pink, and very obviously from THAT shop. He didn't say anything, but am sure he definitely saw it. I wonder if it got his mind racing. Probably. I have a naturally athletic build but my GAL activity of choice (yoga and pilates) combined with the MLC diet, means I now look pretty [censored] awesome ... and he knows it.
I would definitely unplug the camera FS. He may have set it up originally for safety reasons but now I think it is just to spy on you. You should invite random people over just for fun...lol. Have a get together with your colleagues and let him try to figure out which one you might be attracted to...
Camera now “offline”. Got confirmation via app notification almost immediately. Which means if he has notifications switched on he would have been notified immediately too ... though he swirches all his notifications off in case people look at his phone so prob won’t notice until he goes on the app.
D8 has been D9 for a week and forgot to update signature. Will do so now.
When we first got together I use to wear nice stuff and he use to buy me really high end sets for b-days and xmas. Over the years I became more practical - washing and sorting just ended up being too much trouble. Lace gradually made way for practical breathable cotton - bras became practical (read: easy to wash). About a year before BD I started buying and wearing nice stuff again. My clothes started getting a bit tighter as well. My kids were getting bigger and less demanding and I could be FS again and not just mummy. A part of me wanted him to start looking at me the way he use to. I never said anything to him, just bought and wore the stuff.
It seemed he didn't take a blind bit of notice of changes. Or maybe he did notice (he would sit on the bed scrolling through his phone whilst I got dressed in the morning).
... that jealousy thing keeps cropping up in my head ... why didn't I see it ?!?!?
It was just D12 and I today. MIL took D9 (I can't believe she's 9 now !!) to see a show. D12 wasn't feeling well (still has tummy ache) so I said she could stay with me. We chilled out at home, then went into town for lunch. She had her first eye brow threading (she held the arms of that chair for dear life, but did not once say stop) and somehow managed to also sweet talk me into buying her some new clothes. `Whilst we were out BIL called and asked if I would take his daughter for the night as he and his (no longer ex) GF are going out for dinner and spending the night in a hotel.
I agreed, but maybe because he caught me off guard. 5 days ago they couldn't stand each other - they have had an on off relationship for years and he has been back and forth between their house and his dads many many times. Strangely, pre BD, H and I had had a handful of arguments in our 15 years, and never one that led to him moving out. I married the proud stubborn brother.
MIL brought D9 over in the late afternoon and stayed for a cup of tea. She took D9 and BIL's daughter to a Little Mix tribute show. Apparently they were both singing and dancing in the isles. We talked about D12 for a bit. MIL thinks the tummy pain is anxiety because H has gone on holidays again. I validated, but didn't agree. Though I do agree with her, I have learned to keep my own counsel. We talked about BIL and maybe exGF (again validated, but did not agree). Then she said sometimes when she is talking to H, he still talks like we are are still together and that she found this strange. He never speaks badly of me. She mentioned again that last time she was here he was insistent that she come have a look at the photos I put up in the den (12 10 x10inch photo canvases) of the girls and I. He told her how great they looked. Apparently he stood there for ages just looking at them. He has not once mentioned to me that he has even noticed them. There as also a few on my desk waiting to be put up. Photos I took on holidays on my own whenever H takes the girls away (landscapes, interesting buildings, trees, flowers) which I intend to put up in the MBR. He said how great these were too and he told her about a photography course I am taking. It sounded like he was proud of me. It is strange he has these conversations about me with his mum but not with me. Highlights how far apart we are and just how much is left unsaid between us.
He called the girls the last two days but called on D12's phone so I didn't talk to him. I didn't mind too much (the first time I was mucking about on the piano and the second time I was upstairs sorting my wardrobe). I did think, why is he calling D12's phone - he always calls on the home phone. Then realised he is somewhere a phone call would cost a fortune so he is probably face timing her to save money.
That is the same as my sitch. My sister and BIL argue ALL of the time. It is bickering really. She says he has threatened divorce a number of times and she just says “okay”. They are never really serious. My H and I, on the other hand, rarely argued. Once in a while but never more than minor irritations. I know now it is because he was just adding whatever resentments he had to the pile until he felt like he had enough justification to abandon me and our kids. He would say he didn’t do that but it is why they are adjusting pretty well to this situation. They are not used to him being around. I am sad about that. Sad for them. Sad for him. Sad for us. But...what can you do? It is what it is.
It is a good sign that your H never speaks badly of you. He still has a lot of respect for you. If he could get over his stubbornness and pride, maybe just maybe this story could have a happy ending. I don’t have too much hope for mine, truth be told. My H left me emotionally years ago. He just wasn’t honest about it so for me this is only a couple months old. For him it has been years. Anyway... I still think you are doing everything right FS. One way or another, there are sunnier skies ahead for you. Stay the course.
My H and I, on the other hand, rarely argued. Once in a while but never more than minor irritations. I know now it is because he was just adding whatever resentments he had to the pile until he felt like he had enough justification to abandon me and our kids.
I suspect this is because all four of us (you, me, and our H's) are conflict avoidant. BIL and (maybe ex)GF are both confrontational. I am not saying this is the way to go. All that constant screaming and throwing things at each other means their daughter thinks the way to get what you want is to be the loudest in the room.
I am sad for our children as well. But they have good parents. Irrespective of what you think of your H he is trying to be a good dad. Maybe a [censored] of a H and human being. But, he is trying to be a good day. Some of the S's here, man, I just want to beat the [censored] out of them for the way they treat their kids.
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
It is a good sign that your H never speaks badly of you. He still has a lot of respect for you.
He says these things to other people. Never to me. That would be 'giving me hope'. God I hate that phrase. He use to say it all the time as his reason for never being nice to me. I don't know what it means (the showing respect for me). I guess he sees me as a human being and not just the 'ruiner of his life'. Happy ending - I am not sure. It does not feel the way. It feels like we are moving towards being successful co-parents.
I also think we are kindred spirits. I am glad we found each other. I think I hold out more hope for your R than you do. Keep going. It is over when you give up hope.
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Journaling
BIL came over this morning to pick up his daughter. He stayed for a few hours and said they had a nice night (I did not ask details). Not back together, but seeing how it goes. I am almost jealous that they can find it so easy to move towards R when H and I can't even talk. We spoke about H for a bit. He thinks the jealousy is more general (he doesn't like the idea of anyone else being with me - apparently it is a [censored] thing). Not sure that he would be jealous of another man unless a little bit of him still cared about me.
After BIL left, I took D9 to a birthday party and then hung out with D12 for a bit and got on with some housework. GAL'g with kids is tough when the weather is so miserable.
I put up the new picture tiles. Of the 30 tiles I have put up 5 of them have H in them. This is my way of saying that I can now look at photos of him without getting emotional. He was hurt when I took all the photos down and I explained to him at the time that it was because looking at them hurt me. I am however, worried, that he will take this a form of pursuit.
He called twice today (once this morning to wish D12 well on her football game and once this evening). I did not talk to him either time. I think I mentioned he did this same trip last year 2 weeks after BD. That time he called twice in total. Once, when he was obviously very drunk, and once in the middle of the day when we were out. This time he has called every night and twice today. Consistent actions show that he is a changed man. His children are important to him. Me - I seem to be less and less important. I know you all say I am doing well, but it does not feel that way.
This is the hardest and most painful thing I have ever done. It would be so much easier to just throw in the towel and open myself up to the possibility of another relationship. But I know I won't. Not today anyway.
Ahh... FS. I can so feel your emotions through your writing and I identify with them so much. I think, perhaps, that I have more hope for your sitch than you do as well. My H just dropped off the kids and stuck around for a bit to chat. He was noticeably tired. He says he didn’t sleep well and he kept waking himself up. I don’t know if that is the truth or not. I guess that should be a sign to me that I don’t know if he is telling the truth about something so simple. I have been reading some of BluWave’s threads and she talks of choosing to trust her H as being different than simply trusting him. Made me think of what it would be like if, against all odds, we got back together and how I would have to make that choice every day as only a fool would do anything different.
I think it is great that your H is staying in contact so much while he is away. It does show that he is making some changes. Don’t assume that the changes are only what you can see. I sincerely doubt he would talk to you about what is going on for him because of the hope aspect. I think my H would have to be 85% sure he wanted to return before he would ever bring it up to me. Even though his actions say different, I know that he does not consciously want to hurt me and also does not want to give me hope. I am trying to mentally prepare myself for the D talk although knowing my H, he could end up just emailing it to me. He really does not like confrontation in any way, shape or form. If he does, I really do hope he waits until after the holidays.
I wouldn’t put too much stock into what BIL says. He only seems to know the obvious (H is jealous) and likely does not know what is really going on with your H. He is just guessing based on his own views.
I don’t think having pictures of your H can be viewed as pursuit. If anything, given the context, it would seem more like a sign that you are moving on. Not a bad thing.
