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Re: Tacos in Icaria [Re: AndrewP] #2820547
11/04/18 03:54 PM
11/04/18 03:54 PM
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AndrewP Offline OP
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Thanks Westo. I was very happy to read your update - it was very heart-warming and I am sure will be comforting for a lot of people who are struggling at the beginning of their own journeys.

-------------------

Another difficult Sunday morning. Sundays are always the difficult days even after all this time. I really had to struggle to get out of bed this morning. I was in there for almost 11 hours - the time change is my friend I suppose. I tried to muster the energy to take myself out for breakfast but it wasn't there. I haven't done that in so long that I can't remember the last time. It was an "us" tradition that I kept up for a while after she left. Breakfast is my favourite meal of the day. But I just stayed home and had my usual. Eggs over steamed spinach with local sausage and a hash-brown. And of course the pot of tea. I'm writing this in the kitchen instead of the office this morning so my cat Liz is missing out on cuddling up to the warm pot. She's allowed on my desk, but not on the table.

"The Lonely" is hitting again today. Not nearly as bad as a couple of weeks ago when I stayed in bed pretty much all morning on a Monday when I should have been going to work.

Thinking back it's probably about 3 years ago now when my ex-wife's "friendship" slipped into EA territory. The PA started the following January immediately after protestations she made at a New Year's Eve party that it was silly that I was worried about her having an affair and how she was so very faithful to me.

If I am lonely, it is a choice that I have made. Westo's post made me ponder the "What If" that I'm sure many of us do from time to time. Would my outcome have been different if I'd not prodded for a divorce? No clue. My journey certainly would have been much harder.

I do believe that I could easily have someone in my life if I had lower standards and made an effort. There are a number of women who I see on the OLD sites who are obvious rescue candidates. One of them is an old friend (more of my ex than me) who is currently working 2 jobs and just put her house up for sale. She is also very like my ex in a number of ways - ones that make her a less than ideal partner. There are also some women who seem quite lovely - at least from the limited view you get on an OLD site. I'm just not ready for that route as yet. I was very close when CL jumped the queue though.

My barber and I were chatting yesterday and he also believes that single, stable middle-aged men are a rare commodity. And also attractive to a subset of women who are looking for a "sugar daddy".

I was chatting with a friend recently and one realization that I shared that I don't believe that I've shared here is that while it may well be true that my ex is expecting me to be right where she left me, I'm rather guilty of the same thing. I still notice the blank space on a very rare post on FB by D26 where there is a like or comment that I can't see because I've blocked my ex. Heck, I even drive by her apartment from time to time to see if she's still stuck there - which as far as I can tell she is. I have noticed that she hasn't changed her profile picture from the one she took with S24 2 years ago when she was still here and when I checked quite a while ago she still mainly has pictures on her feed of us as a happy couple. None at all by her that include OM.

I'm not completely sure, but I think she saw S24 yet again on Friday evening. For the first time since we got the house appraised a year ago, S24 did a major clean of his room and then left without telling me - his usual pattern (outside the cleaning) when he sees his mother. Has she perhaps remembered that she has a son? This is highly unusual for her to see S24 so frequently and for no apparent specific reason. Up to now, she's only seen him a small handful of times outside of her parents' funeral early this year.

The only intel I have about her is that she did go to Virginia to see D26 and "they" spent some time in Upstate-New York - something that "we" had planned to do back in the day. I wonder if he knows that she's making him live her dreams with me. Maybe even she doesn't look at it that way. After that trip, I fully expected everything to become "official" and her to move. As far as I know - that hasn't happened. I would presume that she may well be frustrated by that. And she does have "quite" the temper and sense of entitlement.

I've also noticed a change in S24's attitude. He now seems honestly thankful for when I do things around the house for him. A knock on his door announcing the arrival of the "dishes fairy" used to be treated as an expectation but for the last while he's been looking honestly thankful. He's even offered to make his delicious sausage and sweet pepper cassarole for Sunday supper. I'm going to do up a pumpkin pie with the Halloween pumpkin (I just get a pie pumpkin and have a kit to decorate it) and also another pot of butternut squash soup.

And yes - pretty much every post of mine mentions food wink

I do think honestly that I am still somewhat "stuck". As I wrote to my friend, it would be easier perhaps if my ex did get her "happily ever after" which I'd thought she might have yet again after her trip with (presumably) OM to see her daughter in Virginia. Not that I'm waiting for her to need rescuing. I got fired from that job. But deep down, I think she still has some sort of hold over me. Do I over her? No clue. My presence still obviously affects her given her zooming off in the two recent episodes when she encountered me. Once on a sideroad where I was taking an extra long walk and once at the end of my own driveway.

I was listening to an interview with a "relationship expert / divorce lawyer" and one thing she mentioned really resonated with me. She described one divorcing couple where the husband was complaining that at the beginning of the relationship, he "rescued" his wife who was badly in debt and had run up her credit cards by paying it all off but she never changed her behaviour and became responsible. That jarred me - it was pretty much exactly my story. In my case I paid up her back-rent, got her on to my credit card (which she/we ran up) and carried her and rescued her from her troubles - financial and otherwise for a lot of years. It was only until a major financial crisis about 15 years ago that she/we became much more responsible and she was so very proud of that. Just around when her EA started was when we finally got completely out of unsecured consumer debt. I recall how startled she was when one day when we were out shopping that I had no problem on dropping $2000 on a nice wooden bed. Something that had been inconceivable for the prior 25 years but now was no problem. We had the savings to more than cover it and paid cash.

I think part of what drew her away was her dreams of "the good life" that OM was offering. Dreams that to date haven't been realized. I fully expect that she used the money she took from the joint savings account to finance her trip with him to the Caribbean in early 2016. There haven't been others that I know of despite the fact that we would for quite a few years go at her insistence.

I keep a very close eye on my finances which is much easier now that I don't have a partner who doesn't share her spending information. I'm actually more or less back to the point I was at on bomb-day. No debt outside my rather modest mortgage, reasonable liquid savings. I got to keep my pensions in the settlement and they have - on paper at least - performed quite well putting me on track for a modest but comfortable retirement when I get there. I expect S24 to be independent by spring or summer of next year which will help my finances as well. My spousal support payments - while from some points of view are rather high - do have a sunset date on them in a few years. If my ex hadn't gone off chasing her "happiness" and his wallet - we could have perhaps been looking at an early semi-retirement in a couple of years. My house is one of the lowest valued houses due mainly to cosmetic reasons in an island of inexplicably low prices so when the time comes to cash out - I should do reasonably well. In the mean-time it is quite inexpensive to live here and it is still very much my HOME. Something that means a lot to me, and meant a lot to my ex. She loved this house and the stability it represented. Much different than her childhood had been.

-----------------

Busy day yesterday. The village fall craft show was on so I attended as usual. I picked up a nice painting done by an artist who lives 2 blocks away of the village pub as a present for D26. It violates ethics slightly but I also scanned the painting in to keep a copy myself. There is a wealth of talent in this area with a thriving artistic community which if you were to see my house, is reasonably well represented. I've replaced the art that my ex took (more or less) some time ago with prints and originals. Several of which I got a super deal on at a local charity auction some time ago. I have a couple of spots that could use some art but am waiting for the right piece. I recently won a draw and a signed comic strip ("BC") is on it's way as well. It's surprising perhaps how nice things can be modestly priced or can just be "stumbled" across.

Also at the craft show I picked up some cards done by a local professional photographer to use as Christmas cards. I'll be sending one to D26 and quite probably also to CL who - even if that relationship is stalled / not going anywhere - is a nice person who I like.

While at the craft show I also ran in to one of my ex's best friends who was running a booth as well. We've stayed friendly. I don't think that this was one of the enabling friends. I did "let slip" while chatting that I have been dating - it didn't seem to have an impact.

Did my usual round of errands although I think I made myself a nuisance at the flower shop chatting for a bit long. (FSL was off - couldn't get a babysitter) I did get the hint and wandered off. I did a stop to the local butcher shop we use, got the usual staples plus some nice strip-loin steaks one of which I eventually had for my supper.

Lots of cleaning done yesterday - still lots to go. I did get the bathrooms scrubbed and a fair bit of laundry. Today washing the floors plus dusting, sweeping, and ironing on the list along with making a pie and soup. My ex-wife has (perhaps) no clue what a "perfect" man she left behind - snicker -.

---------------

What's not obvious on the reader's side of the screen perhaps is the passage of time during the composition of these long rambling bits of nonsense. I type, think, make some notes, read, revise, re-read. This post has taken a full pot of tea and over an hour to put together. An hour for reflection, thought. An hour of healing.

These posts now are as my tag line says - really for me. Many years ago I attempted to journal / diary on paper. I'd always read about "great men" and how their diaries were a tool for them to do what I'm doing here. I'm not a great man and never will be. I'm a lonely middle-aged man in plaid PJs who doesn't have anyone to talk to right now.

I'm grateful for this venue.

I'm also grateful for being a creature of habit. Call it boring and predictable or reliable and consistent. One of the things that gets me out of bed on weekends is the fact that people of "expectations" of me. I'm expected at the flower shop on Saturdays around lunch-time. I'm expected at the cafe in the early afternoon on Saturdays and at lunch on Sundays. Silly perhaps to think that I worry about disappointing people by being less than predictable - but it gets me going. If there are (doubtful) any people early on their journeys reading here, one of the things that has gotten me through some bad days is routine.

Soon time for me to shower and go for a walk - and then to the cafe for a bowl of soup. I wouldn't want to disappoint my friend there.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: Tacos in Icaria [Re: AndrewP] #2820577
11/04/18 10:03 PM
11/04/18 10:03 PM
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DnJ Offline
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Hello Andrew

I am sorry those feelings of loneliness are rearing up. I recall last weekend was difficult also, with you missing work and remaining in bed. I do hope things are starting to look better.

Your feelings of being stuck are normal and ok. Your path is unknown and sometimes can seem long, just keep moving forward, step by step. It is ok to pause once in a while, however getting stuck is not a good idea. The watching of our spouses or ex-spouses can be an anchor at times. Im guessing you feel if she move on to OM, found her happy ending, it would bring some finality to this. It might, however it is still your choice as to whether you let her remain to have a hold over you or not.

You are correct we are creatures of habit, usually rather predicable. Nothing wrong with routine, however sprinkling in some spontaneity can sweeten an otherwise bland day.

It sounds like you found quite a few sweet deals on art work. Even the one that slightly violates ethics. smile A good lesson in patience there, waiting to find that good deal. I like the idea of the Christmas card from the local photographer, something not mass produced by the millions.

I have found your posts well written and can appreciate the time you spend on them. You do take a lot of care to illustrate your feelings and views. It is noticed.

Now, you may feel like a lonely middle aged man, sitting in his plaid PJs, enjoying tea, while his feline friend Liz curls around the teapot, while you enjoy eggs over spinach (really spinach - yuck), and having no one to talk too.

In all that, the only thing not a choice is the middle aged part, and probably where Liz hangs out.

Ok, lets get the big item out of the way. The fact that you are putting eggs on top of spinach. Spinach?!?! Use bacon. The hash browns are good and the sausage is good. Lose the green. smile smile

I am not oblivious to your plight and pain. You and I are in similar situations and I understand the no one to talk too. For what it is worth, I enjoy our conversations, even though it does take a while to send and receive our posts. I know, not much solace, I also miss those talks with that someone.

Take care.

DnJ




Oh my...eggs on spinach....what a way to ruin perfectly good eggs....ewww....slimy green leaves....I am going to have to have a serious talk to that man....really! green at breakfast.....put eggs on toast with bacon and cheese and salt and ketchup....never heard of a spinach and egg McMuffin....I just cant see that catching on....maybe it is one time thing...no he has mentioned it before....


Just joking Andrew.

Hope that put a smile on your face.


BD - Oct 8 2017
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
w/OM, Left Kids
Dec 9 - Legal Separation
Oct 3 2018 - W files for D
Current
Me50 STBXW47 S21 S20 S17 D16

I may give up, but not today.
Re: Tacos in Icaria [Re: AndrewP] #2821066
11/07/18 07:34 PM
11/07/18 07:34 PM
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AndrewP Offline OP
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AndrewP  Offline OP
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Some days I think that I'm either too dense or too nice or perhaps both.

Yesterday I re-read the "good-night" message after my last date with CL a couple of weeks ago which I had ended up with "hope to see you soon". Lost in translation was her reply of "and hopefully sooner than later".

She never commented on my Halloween note - perhaps because it's not her thing. After thinking about it from last night on, I sent her a message a short while ago first apologizing for dropping out of sight due to my own busy stuff and other nonsense and then asking her out for Friday night and failing that made an alternate suggestion that we Christmas shop together at an event coming up in her city a week or so later.

She has plans with her kids for Friday night that might not work out (D17 is sick) so has given that a maybe to be confirmed Friday afternoon. She seemed quite grateful for my patience and went on (for her) a bit about that - my reply was "you're worth it". And the reality is that she is. Her legal stuff is probably coming to a head this month as it will be the 1 year from when she booted her STBX out and I believe that she's done all her disclosure. She also has kids and business and church all going on around her while I just have to make sure the cats' litter boxes get cleaned twice a week. Which I forgot to do this morning.

I'm down at the corporate office in downtown Toronto today for group meetings about our pension plan and to catch up / be visible to my colleagues down here. Had a nice visit from the CFO and the secretary to the owner among others - nice people. Managed to largely avoid my boss thus far. I'm the "team lead" for our corporate Movember challenge (the prior guy retired and so I just took over) and the CFO has gotten behind it and will be pushing other current and retired senior executives to step up and donate.

I plan to get out of here on time to get to the flower shop's open house at a semi-reasonable time. I'd promised FSL that I'd be there tonight when she's working it and I usually pick up something nice for my house. Outside of any non-commercial things, I do think that they recognize me as a regular customer who does drop a noticeable amount of money over the course of a year on my roses and other things. I'll probably order my Christmas centre-piece tonight.

On one hand it seems slightly callous to continue to foster these relationships but the reality is that all of the potential single women I have been associating with are really nice and I like them regardless of what the future may hold. I expect that to a person that they would be happy if perhaps (maybe only in my imagination) disappointed when I do finally start seeing someone steadily / officially. None of them other than CL have I given any indication of an interest in a relationship with them in the future. And even with CL it is pretty nebulous.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: Tacos in Icaria [Re: AndrewP] #2821076
11/07/18 08:23 PM
11/07/18 08:23 PM
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Posts: 3,394
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doodler Offline
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Andrew,

It sounds like, overall, life is going pretty well for you. On the other hand, my life has hit a rough spot; I'm struggling to figure out the first name of the Turkish taco woman and it's beginning to wear me down. I don't want to send you a long list of names because that wouldn't really make use of my psychic powers. I'm not sure what to do. Is her name Jill?

Re: Tacos in Icaria [Re: doodler] #2821155
11/08/18 02:20 PM
11/08/18 02:20 PM
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 1,923
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AndrewP Offline OP
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AndrewP  Offline OP
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Originally Posted by doodler
It sounds like, overall, life is going pretty well for you.
I know this. I just don't appreciate it as much as I should.
Originally Posted by doodler
Is her name Jill?
It would be nice if I gave you a hint.

------------------

So - Friday night with CL isn't working out. Her kid plans are on. So - we're going to have lunch on Tuesday. I do get the feeling that she's wanting to make an effort again. But I also get the feeling that she's expecting me to drive the "asking out" part which given her 100% custody and other life things is challenging. She was working on being "very" flexible last night as we messaged trying to organize. I did laugh because one restaurant I suggested for lunch got a response of "didnt feel like Id have to go again, but Im willing to try it again" - so another restaurant needs to be found. One thing I do like about her is that she seems pretty honest about her likes and dislikes.

I'm also coming to understand / rationalize some of her issues including the "Uncle' one. As always I could be 110% wrong here. Her kids, especially S13 have been pretty messed up now that the divorce is becoming a reality. Mom "suddenly" dating while still legally married would probably mess up the kids even more. Add to that a very conservative religious group of friends and I can see her keeping things under wraps. On the other hand she seemed perfectly willing to be identified in social media with me at an event on my side of the fence which her friends and her D17 would have seen - but again - perhaps explainable as "uncle".

Having very much lived in the world of cognitive dissonance I think I recognize the signs in her.

With that said, I'm annoyed that she can't be as open about seeing me at present as I'd like. Perhaps classic OM thinking? Having that tar brush anywhere near me is a real problem for me.

I did get another indication that she has "plans". I live a bit more than an hour north of her. She does know this area having lived in a town close to here for a while as a girl but has told me that it was a very unhappy time in her life. There's a congregation of her church the next town over. A couple of months ago she had the kids up picking apples in the area. On the weekend I suggested we go Christmas shopping together she's up here again with the kids making wine. Acclimating them and reconnecting to the area and to people she knows here? No clue. There's lots of things to do where she lives and to the south. She has very few reasons to do activities around here. She is very smart and does complex project management as part of her job.

Looking at it as a "project" - her D17 will be done high school this year and her S13 will be leaving elementary. Her divorce should be a fait acompli by early next year. She has flexibility in her work location / schedule. Timing getting close to me for next summer would be "convenient". She likes my house I know and doesn't like the one she has although she's intending on keeping it in the settlement. She is in some ways stereotypically German in how organized she seems to be. Except when it comes to planning dates with me which she is leaving on me.

------------------

So since Friday night with CL is out, I've sent a message to a dear friend who happens to be single and female - but also platonic to see if she's interested in dinner. It's been a few months since we last got together.

I did get to the flower shop's open house last night. I had a laugh because the owner's first comment when she saw me was to tell me that FSL had just left - dashing out to watch a favourite TV show. I hung out for a short while and chatted with the owner and FSL's mother and picked up a new decoration for the house. I think they were slightly startled to see me in "work" clothes. I was wearing one of my red bow ties which is probably an unusual sight there. FSL's mother I think likes me a fair bit and I'm a fairly good fit perhaps with their family as they are active in raising and racing horses - something I was involved with myself when I was younger.

Late last night just after organizing with CL I got a message from a (now former) colleague saying that she wants to get together for lunch sometime soon and catch up. She's an OW who captured a man about 20 years older than her about 20 years ago and is about 10 years younger than me. Her guy is not aging well (and neither is she) and I just get a "feeling" from the tone of her message and other recent contacts that she may have some interest beyond the platonic. They've never made it "official" but have been cohabiting all along. Again - could be quite wrong, but as people say - if they cheat with you, they'll cheat on you. We became friends when working together about 15 years ago when my attitude about infidelity was more "mainstream" and she's been a strong albeit contradictory supporter ever since my own situation hit the fan. I also think that she's been stalking me on another forum as in her message she called me by the handle I use there. I do quite like her as a friend and she is a nice person who I know is still dealing with the fall-out of the choices she made when younger but just treading carefully here.

It is interesting to notice that even after a couple of decades that an OW still has issues with being "judged". I think her guy is still happy to have a much younger attractive woman with big boobs on his arm and doesn't feel judged in any negative way at all.

I was going to mention this previously but kept forgetting but I believe I've accumulated another stalker. She's the widow of one of my best friends from many years ago. A mentor of mine in fact. She's probably close to 15 years older than me and very sweet. She taught me how to boil eggs many years ago. I used to do magic tricks and make balloon animals to amuse her girls when they were little. Her husband died about 10 years ago I think. She's a part-time author and is "old money" and very active in supporting the arts, especially theatre. She'd mentioned to me a while ago that she'd like to have lunch when I'm in her city and that she had a friend who she'd like to bring. I do need to make that happen.

I hate second-guessing presumably innocent interactions. My natural instinct is to believe and trust and to be completely honest and open with people. Holding back some information from people who have proven themselves to not be worthy of trust.

I'm burning through this thread a bit faster than I wanted to - I may have to adjust my plans slightly. I was listening to a podcast from NASA Johnson Space Centre last night where there was a serious discussion on the need to plan mid-course corrections on the Orion craft when the crew - ahem - drops a load. But I'm in the midst of things and making choices that may affect the rest of my life.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: Tacos in Icaria [Re: AndrewP] #2821164
11/08/18 03:50 PM
11/08/18 03:50 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 1,478
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Dawn70 Offline
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Oh Andrew, your posts always make me feel a certain kind of way. Let me preface this with, I'm a big fan. You seem like a lovely, down-to-earth, kind gentleman. No, I'm not stalking you, just the feeling I get from reading what post. You care about people and that is a fine quality in a person. I'm rooting for you to "win", whatever "winning" is for you.

But here's my disconnect: I get that you have developed feelings for CL and I'm sure she's a lovely lady in her own right, but SHE'S MARRIED. I know she's going through a divorce and from all of your accounts, she's finished with her STBXH, but why would you want to entangle yourself with someone who is "on the rebound"? You have a lot to offer someone and obviously have some other options, so I just can't wrap my mind around why you continue to pursue this particular woman. I get that everyone is different and everyone moves at their own pace and all that jazz, but it just seems messy.

It's neither my life nor my business, quite frankly, but every time I read a post, I'm secretly wishing that FSL or someone else would capture your attention a bit more so that you could be with someone who is completely unencumbered and treat you in a way that a gentleman deserves to be treated. And, now I really sound like a crazy stalker lady. I promise, I'm not anywhere near you. LOL

Whatever you do, as I said before, I'm a fan and I'm just rooting for you to "win".


Me 48, XH 50
3 adult daughters from his first marriage
3 grandsons, 1 granddaughter
My 1st marriage, his 2nd
BD 9/29/2014
H moved out 10/6/2014
H filed D 11/4/2014
D final 12/17/2014
Re: Tacos in Icaria [Re: Dawn70] #2821204
11/08/18 06:12 PM
11/08/18 06:12 PM
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 1,923
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AndrewP Offline OP
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AndrewP  Offline OP
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Originally Posted by Dawn70
No, I'm not stalking you
Awww - thanks Dawn - you can feel free to stalk me if you want to - there appears to be a growing number wink

In this "modern" world it is a difficult thing to differentiate between married / separated / divorced. Less difficult than perhaps it was 50 years ago, but difficult.

The last one is pretty clear cut. I've got a piece of paper with a red stamp on it that I can show anyone who asks that yes - I'm no longer married.

Dating while separated is a bit of a trickier issue and I do think that CL herself is struggling with that. Her marriage was over when she booted her STBX out after his ranting and his refusal to work or take responsibility for the marriage got too much for her.

There are "of course" lots of people out there who lie. Who claim to be separated or in a loveless marriage but aren't and you can be sure that I made sure that CL is indeed separated and do believe her when she says that there is no way that her STBX would be welcomed back. Have her kids or her community accepted that? I think her kids are working towards that as far as I can tell not knowing them personally.

My own marriage was over when my ex first got deep into planning a new life with OM, even before the actual sex started. I just didn't know that for some time and then took an even longer time to accept it.

Once I did, and perhaps before I was ready, I did look to see what I could find in the way of a new relationship. FSL was pretty much the first to cross my path. Due to my own timidity I've not been as pro-active of seeking out new relationships as I might be which is one of the reasons why I'm not in one at present.

There is also what we think our relationship status is, and what those around us think. I'm sure that my ex thought that as soon as she told me that she was leaving me (but not why) that she had full license to do whatever she wanted. But she kept it all a deep dark secret for a very long time. CL I am sure is also worried about what her kids and community think. Hence the current misdirection that I'm not happy about.

It is indeed messy and I do indeed struggle with this and I appreciate you questioning me on it.

Why not give up and move on you ask? Well, I ask this of myself too. We get attracted to the "potential". We get invested in the sunk costs.

In this case there really is very little in the way of sunk costs on my side and I've learned that chasing after them is a fools game. There is potential though. And yes - I "really" know that "potential" or even more so "fix-er up-ers" isn't a good basis for a relationship either.

I'm pretty confident that in some ways that CL is more healed / moved on than I am. The only mentions of her STBX are with respect to his interactions with the kids or his being difficult with going through the settlement. No consideration of where he is or what he's doing. I still - lacking a better word even though it's not completely accurate - care.

Yes - I'm more than likely her rebound but it's a pretty slow bounce with a lot of dribbling and ball handling in the process (I svck at sports analogies). And I do think that she's probably more invested in me than I am in her.

I'm certainly keeping all of my options open - thanks in no small part to the great advice I've gotten here and she's not the only "iron in the fire" despite my reluctance to date multiple people at the same time.

Yes - there very likely are completely unencumbered and wonderful women out there. The widow who I was recently stalking/creeping on Facebook comes to mind.

But I also keep in mind the sort of person that I am. The one who - perhaps foolishly - believed in his wife and in his marriage. I do regret how long I hung on and yes, I've learned a huge amount about myself and other people and relationships in the process.

I'm also a person who believes in people. I'm the guy who does give a second chance. The one who understands that sometimes people have bad days or are going through their own special pits of cr@p. Who wants to help but sometimes knows that the best help he can give is to not interfere but to - if you'll pardon the DBism - "be the lighthouse".

On the other hand - if FSL on Saturday ran up to me, planted a big wet smooch right on target, she would probably nuke the entire competition out of the water. A guy can hope can't he laugh Oh and I believe that super-sleuth Ginger1 has her phone number. Doodler - you could learn a thing or three from G and her investigative powers.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: Tacos in Icaria [Re: AndrewP] #2821325
11/09/18 04:35 PM
11/09/18 04:35 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 1,478
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Dawn70 Offline
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Dawn70  Offline
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I am afraid the logistics kind of preclude me from stalking, but if I ever make a trip north, I will keep it in mind. wink

Thanks for all of your responses. I do honestly believe that people have to do what is right for them in their situation and I do hope that however things wind up for you, it is what you want, but I did enjoy reading your responses and I found them very candid.

I think I'm super old-fashioned in that to me separated and divorced are 2 entirely different things. For me, dating while separated just didn't feel right. Which oddly, was something my XH supposedly believed in as well, until WE were separated and he'd started sleeping with his skank and then all of a sudden, he totally changed his opinion about dating while separated. Funny thing was, he didn't like it when one of his best friends did it nor did he like it when a good friend of his had a wife who did it, but all of sudden when HE did it, it was just fine and dandy, because "separated people date ALL the time, Dawn, it's the norm" as he once told me. Ugh.

Anyway, the long and short of it, is, I appreciate your responses and wish you nothing but the best. laugh


Me 48, XH 50
3 adult daughters from his first marriage
3 grandsons, 1 granddaughter
My 1st marriage, his 2nd
BD 9/29/2014
H moved out 10/6/2014
H filed D 11/4/2014
D final 12/17/2014
Re: Tacos in Icaria [Re: AndrewP] #2821557
11/11/18 02:53 PM
11/11/18 02:53 PM
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 1,923
Canada
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AndrewP Offline OP
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AndrewP  Offline OP
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I had a laugh yesterday at the flower shop. FSL it seems got an ear-full from the others about the fact that she missed me at the open house. She seemed to be a combination of annoyed that she missed me and annoyed at being nagged about it by her co-workers.

She did say that her S6 was quite happy to get his bag of Halloween candy and that she let him have it right away.

It may be my imagination but she's looking younger and younger. She did quit smoking and drinking and has been working on losing weight so that's undoubtedly part of it.

I think she's pretty comfortable with me and likes the fact that she can tease me and also just "tell" me things and I accept it. For example, I suggested that my roses didn't need to be wrapped and she "instructed" me that it was too cold out for them and that if I didn't behave she's switch the red roses for pink.

If it wasn't for the now apparently growing age difference I would be pretty inclined to ask her out. The gap is very likely in the neighbourhood of 20 years if not more. I do think we would be fairly compatible and it would certainly be a situation which would be of benefit to us both. From a practical point of view she and her son would certainly be much better off. I have made some efforts in the past to search out information on her to identify her age but haven't been successful. I "could" ask her I suppose. I actually know when her birthday is but not the year.

At the grocery store I made a point of going through the line of the cashier who had asked me previously if I was single. She seemed startled that I was chatty and that I complimented her recently dyed hair.

I'm looking forward to my lunch date with CL on Tuesday. I'm thinking hard about asking for a good-bye smooch this time. We're meeting at a "family" type restaurant more or less mid-way between our offices. I think her world is getting more stable. I'm going to suggest that we talk about some way to get together regularly.

Rather "whooped" today. I got the last bit of the monthly cleaning done yesterday. It's been a while since I scrubbed the floors so did that. Which means not just mopping but also giving them a thorough wipe down with a rag after which takes a fair bit of effort but gives a good result. With consultation with S24 I also re-arranged the kitchen. I did ask him about a mixer that his mother had gotten from her mother that she was ever so insistent on having. I don't believe it ever got used and had been covered by grime after being stored forever. I'd pulled it out to have something on one of the empty shelves in the kitchen that used to have piles of clipped out magazine articles / recipes. She had taken the mixing paddles for it at some point in one of her last "shopping trips" through the house but not the mixer. I suggested to S24 yesterday that he ask her if she wants it and got a blank look in return. I do honestly have no idea of what sort of relationship he has with his mother.

I also, I think got my wool pants which I accidentally shrunk stretched out. I let them soak in warm water then put them on wet (less uncomfortable than you might imagine) and bent and stretched to stretch out the waist and rear. I was pleased to notice that I can now touch my toes without effort. I stretched the legs out by hand as well. I hung them on the line in the laundry room to air-dry. Fingers crossed.

FSL was surprised that I have an indoor clothes line (I actually have 2) but laughed and agreed that I was "cheap" and have them in part for that reason.

Part of today's plan is to do another purge. This time going again through the junk drawers. There are souveniers, pins, kids stuff etc that I have no need of. This house used to be so very cluttered but is now rather empty. I have an astounding amount of now unused storage. I'm sure someone coming in would suggest getting rid of the empty dressers and wardrobe etc. I could probably live in about 1/3 of the house. S24 rarely move outside his room. But that implies that the life I have now is the one that I will have going forward. That's not my intended destination.

Well - time for me to get dressed and head in to "town" to attend the Remembrance Day ceremony at the cenotaph. In past years I was worried about encountering my ex there as she used to be part of the parade with the Girl Guides. I think she dropped that at the same time as she dropped me and am 95% sure she's not involved. If she were, S24 wouldn't be having me get him cookies from WL. I did remind D26 to wear her poppy today which being in the US is not common at all.

Will my ex be at the cenotaph? There's no reason for her not to be but she'll know that I definitely will be there.

I have some emails to write this afternoon as well. I'd gotten some "how are you doing" notes from my former "work daughter" and from an old friend last week that deserve some attention in the replies. I might also get the bird feeder I started done. I saw one at the hardware store yesterday almost identical to the one I'm building and got some ideas on the bits I was stuck on.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: Tacos in Icaria [Re: doodler] #2821592
11/11/18 10:21 PM
11/11/18 10:21 PM
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 1,299
Midwest
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DonH Online
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DonH  Online
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Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 1,299
Midwest

Originally Posted by Andrewp
I'm looking forward to my lunch date with CL on Tuesday. I'm thinking hard about asking for a good-bye smooch this time. We're meeting at a "family" type restaurant more or less mid-way between our offices. I think her world is getting more stable. I'm going to suggest that we talk about some way to get together regularly


I think all of this is a great idea Andrew! Well just about all. I would not ask for a kiss but rather just kiss her. I cannot tell you how many times I've read this advice. Weak, beta guys ask "can I kiss you" while real catches, alpha guys just do it.

I think however it's beyond time and I have to be honest with you. After, what now, near a half dozen "dates" there have been no kisses, no hand holding, no cuddling and certainly no sex. That is not at all typical of a half dozen true dates. Sure it could be excused that she's still married, not sure, etc., but then those excuses hold just as true that these are not and have not been dates. Perhaps they have - or in CLs mind they very well could have just been lunch with her favorite uncle and nothing more.

It's pointless to mind read or guess or hope or fantasize. At this point I really think it's in your best interest to find out. Put your cards on the table. If she will not kiss you at this point, the two,of you are not dating. And if that is the case, hard as it might be to take, you are much better off knowing that. It will also free you to move onto someone who really does want to date you. Continuing as you are is not the best course. Others have said the same and deep down I think you know it.

So, YES, by all means, it's time to kiss her and find out how and when the two of you can go on a real date - not just have lunch.


DonH
Midwest
Me 55
WAW-EXW 54
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
3 actual GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
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