Jim can she not use email, phone, or text to make her own appointment? She is texting you internationally can she not take care of it with the Dr. ? Does she have an OM and is she on vacation with OM? If so then eff that noise. If you and her are amicable co-parents and this is a favor she would return then I dunno maybe consider it. Otherwise tell her you will not be able to assist her with her medical needs and she should contact a family member to help her. She fired you as a H, would you help out our Er or a business partner one last time if they fired you? Leave out all the rest of the stuff you mentioned it sounds petty. Keep it businesslike. Just my 2 cents.
H(37) W(35) D8, D5, S3 T20, M13 BD 8/31/18 EA Discovered 9/13/18 Mediation 10/3/18 W files for D 10/12/18 W moves out 11/10/18 EA confirmed 12/25/18 D Final 1/10/19
I was curious how Steve's W showed she was willing, and then I was trying to explain that many of the avenues Steve's W used to show she was willing to work on the marriage were no longer open to me. The only avenue I see is my W having an "AHA" moment, which Steve suggests avoiding bringing up.
I understand. I'll repeat that if they want it you will know it. And the rest is a cheeseless tunnel.
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I guess I'm trying to avoid her saying "I'd like to R", and have my answer be "Ya, that's great, BUT..... I'm not, unless you are willing to work on your issues, too," because at this point I've finally achieved enough emotional distance, I don't want to go back to where my needs are no longer met, or she doesn't even attempt to meet them.
Ok, but you'll cross that bridge when and if you get to it. You won't lose that emotional distance either if you set and enforce a strong boundary like you said.
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She basically said if we did R, she didn't want to go back to counseling.
My opinion is that she doesn't want to do the work. And/or she was trying to temp check you with the "if we did R" comment. Perfect time to validate, how did you respond?
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She texted me asking me to get ahold of the dentist and make an appointment when she comes back.
You guys are separated right? She is seeing someone else? But she requests you to play H for her? Am I reading this correctly. I'm not sure how to respond. But someone will have a good one for you.
I'd probably say "I'm not comfortable with that as you are seeing someone else/getting a D".
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Twofeet and Mowgli, I hear you and this is why I'm so conflicted. There is no OM. I'm 100% sure of this. She's on vacation with her sister. When I had surgery recently, she would have helped in any way I needed, and in fact was a little upset that I didn't ask her. We are very amicable coparents, and she has no family in the U.S. This is not for just a regular checkup, but to treat an abscess, so while not an emergency, it is very time sensitive. Because of your inputs, whichever way I go, though, I will not mention it's a job for a husband or boyfriend. I think I will do it, and say 'In future, please make your own appointments."
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
I understand. I'll repeat that if they want it you will know it. And the rest is a cheeseless tunnel.
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She basically said if we did R, she didn't want to go back to counseling.
My opinion is that she doesn't want to do the work. And/or she was trying to temp check you with the "if we did R" comment. Perfect time to validate, how did you respond?
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She texted me asking me to get ahold of the dentist and make an appointment when she comes back.
You guys are separated right? She is seeing someone else? But she requests you to play H for her? Am I reading this correctly. I'm not sure how to respond. But someone will have a good one for you.
I'd probably say "I'm not comfortable with that as you are seeing someone else/getting a D".
You're right about cheeseless tunnels. I'm putting the cart before the horse, and if she wants to R, I'll deal with it then.
I think you're right in that she doesn't really want to do the work. I think my admissions and recognition of my faults (at long last) has intrigued her, but she doesn't quite believe them. As far as my response, it was about a month ago, so I don't remember exactly, but I think I said something like, "Ya, I don't think they did a very good job for us. But maybe we should talk about that later."
I'm not sure what I'll do about the appointment. We are separated, but she's not seeing anyone else.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
Jim IMO make the appointment and after you do you can always have the conversation with her about how you fired me from that role and going forward this is something that I will no longer take on. I had to have the convo with my XW and ever since I did she has never asked. I think if you do it this way you are doing it with love vs what might come across as out of spite or anger or trying to stick it to her for what she has done.
I haven't replied because I've really been really thinking about what you said. I hear what you're saying about there not being an "AHA" moment, and her showing you that she got it. Problems I'm struggling with are 1) that we no longer live together, so there's little opportunity to see 180s on her part (I understand I will probably hear about changes in her behavior from friends/kids, etc.), and the kind of 180s I will see/hear won't give me any indication that she's interested in R, 2) in order for there to be a R, at this point, she would kind of have to come out and tell me she's interested in one, and I guess I don't care to give up what I've got going on without a commitment from her to do things differently, 3) she's not one to admit, even to herself, that she was wrong, and 4) a month ago when we talked, she was very clear that she didn't want to go to counseling again. I can't say the counsellors helped, so I can see why she feels that way. They weren't really DB coaches. I'd look for one, but doubt I will get her to go.
I'd love some further input.
1.No longer living together makes it tougher in some ways, easier in others. Either way it's out of your control so don't worry about it and spend that energy in a positive fashion. Or wallow in self-pity. The choice is yours. If she's interested in R, you will know it.
2. If she's interested in R, you will know it. (I'm noticing a trend....)
3. Sounds like it's out of your control.....(another trend...)
4. Who brought up counseling? DB coaches vs counselors doesn't matter all that much. They have different goals IMO. Either one's success will be much greater with a 2 person commitment than a 1 person effort. Why look for a MC when your W doesn't want MC? You like wasting your time and hurting your own feelings?
So that's it. Let go of what you can't control and work on what you can. Please tell me so more details about the last few contacts you've had with her, her attitude, what's been happening.
Jim, on #1 you DB for you, not her. If she notices then awesome. If not, you will be ready for the future!
#2 no, she won't have to come out and tell you. She'll have to come out and SHOW you. Remember, never believe what she says.And only half of what she does/ Do not trust her until she shows consistent behavior over a long period of time.
#3, she either will or won't. If she wants to R she will eventually.
#4, what do you want? Is MC part of your requirements for R? If so then stick to it, regardless of what she says. Remember, if she comes back you want her to be open to any and all stipulations. She doesn't get to dictate the terms of her return.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Something new.... W is on vacation out of the country, and has an abscessed tooth. She texted me asking me to get ahold of the dentist and make an appointment when she comes back. I'm conflicted between "sure" because I'm trying to leave the road to reconciliation open, "ok, but next time, it's a job for your husband or boyfriend, not the guy you are divorcing," and "NFW! This is a job for your husband or boyfriend, not the guy you are divorcing!"
Seeing as there is no OM, my attitude on stuff like this that's kind of a grey area of DBing is this: hold true to yourself. Personally if my ex asked for a favor like this that is something quite inconvenient for her (being out of the country) and no big deal for me (it's just a phone call) I wouldn't hesitate to do it. I think you are at the point that you can do it with no expectations, so no harm.
I tend to agree with AS. My original answer was "You fired me as you H, and that is something a H would do." But I like AS's approach better IN THIS CASE.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
