Brave Little Gerda Gazes Into the Endless Tundra

[Gerda]

For you out there in MLC land, Gerda surely can serve as an authority on this after 5 years living with MLCer and now he is away for a week --

True detachment is not possible with them in the house.

True detachment is barely possible when they are away for a week.

I still fight waves of fear and PTSD.

But I feel some calm, some peace, some freedom, to actually "focus on me and my kids." You know how everyone is always telling you that, and you are like, "I am!" but you aren't?

Well, I realized yesterday that we don't feel as sad when people are around. So I am inviting someone to dinner every night this week. I am cooking now, and singing and dancing around the living room to that new Sia song and setting the table and feeling proud of my house and my cooking, and picking out some card games to play with our friends and imagining a future that will have a whole sad side, that my H is gone spiritually, physically, romantically, emotionally, but that I can actually have a whole other side that is fun and happy for my kids and which has been totally impossible with him here.

I can see how I can live happily even if I choose to honor my vows and be alone.

He comes back Friday so I am thinking of taking the kids out of town for the weekend.

[sjohns6]

Hi Gerda!

I haven't posted in a while but I've been checking in on your situation. I am so sorry that you have been going though all the stuff you are going through with your son and the courts, etc. That letter DnJ wrote your son was so great!

I am so happy that you got to experience this week and see what the difference is. I agree with all of what you said above. After a year and a half of living with my W in the house, and her now gone for 5 months, I can relate to the difficulty of detaching with someone living under the same roof.

I hope you are able to keep up the forward momentum. Its nice to have a break from all this MLC stuff every once in a while...even if it is just a break.

Treat yourself to a big helping of kindness and love. You deserve it and so do your kids. We aren't out of the woods just yet, but its nice to come in to a clearing every once in a while to regroup.

((Gerda))

[DnJ]

You sound great!!!

(((Gerda)))

There is spark about your writing.

You only spoke of yourself. Nothing of H and the dread he brings.

It is all you.

Well done!

You singing and dancing around the living room. Oh boy!

You should be proud of your house and cooking. I’ve always pictured you in my mind as a really good cook, among other desirable attributes.

I am happy to see you shining.

Have a great week.

DnJ

[Gerda]

It was a wonderful night. Two younger friends (from my church community) came, they are in their twenties, they are super cool and my son worships the guy and my D the woman and we just had such a great normal evening of fun and friends.

This is the song I was dancing to and singing to all evening before they came. I think it's perfect for us LBS's but is also a great song to dance to.

You can put this into your search on youtube or wherever to find it -- "LSD - Thunderclouds (Lyrics) ft. Sia, Diplo, Labrinth"

[Gerda]

Thank you so much sjohn, have hoped you would come by sometime as I always love to get your perspective. What you said here means a lot to me. I sense you are moving forward with some shakiness. So here's from one shaky-kneed friend to another, a big hug. Lord do I need a break! I don't know what is going to happen but L thinks she may be able to argue for him to have to leave the house.

My S said it was much better without him here this week but my D misses him and keeps asking to call him. Fortunately my phone can't call internationally so I am saved from having to do that for this week. Normally I let her call him whenever she wants. He has not tried to contact us even once so far.

[Gerda]

I think you have a better picture in your mind than what the real thing is, but I am a pretty good cook if I have a recipe to follow. The main thing is I just love to feed friends and family, it gives me a lot of joy and is one way I like to take care of people. Not being able to do that for my H has been really hard. But as you say, I am not thinking of that today!

Thank you for your post, DnJ. You are very good at feeling joy on the behalf of your friends here, as well as feeling sorrow for us when we need that.

[SBJ]

Gerda, I appreciate the prayers and the kind words. I keep up with your sitch as well, but have decided to pray for you and your husband instead of add my $.02 with my words. Besides, it seems that you are getting some good advice from Gordie and DnJ.

[sjohns6]

Oh Gerda, you are so right. I am moving forward with a little trepidation. I'm doing good and so are you.

I am thinking that although this is only a week of reprieve for you, that experiencing it will help you gain an understanding of yourself that you can take with you beyond just this week. Some perspective if you will, some light at the end of the tunnel. This week is bringing you back the joy you once had and reminding you of the strength that you ALREADY had. That won't go away after the week is over. Neither of us is done with this thing, but with the support that we give each other and the perspectives that we gain along the way, we are getting stronger and more capable of dealing with the lot we have been given. And I truly believe that we are not given anything that we aren't capable of handling. We just have to learn how to handle it. I love that you are getting to have a week off from MLC land...and you deserve it!!

It is weird that he hasn't called at all, but I guess it isn't really THAT weird, is it? Kind of more par for the course at this point. Calling when out of town is a NORMAL thing to do and our MLCers are nothing in the way of normal. My W does things quite often that defy all logic to me, but I'm managing to get to a place where I have a hard time caring. I am proud of the path I have walked and the decisions I have made and none of this is my doing or a result of my decisions...so I have no regrets. I do not have to own any of the heartbreak from her decisions...and neither do you!!

I hope that this week continues to be the best week ever for you. It is a beautiful day in Texas today, hope it is for you too. Lets both just relax and enjoy the heck out of it! Wish we could all get together for a great meal and glass of wine sometime. Maybe the stars will align some time and we will all get to meet eachother.

((Gerda))

[Gerda]

SBJ, I like your two cents. Your two cents are not the same as anyone else's. That said, I know that your prayers are even more important, and that I should be focusing on praying more than I focus on anyone's two cents. I am struggling a lot with trusting God, and I know if I trusted Him completely, I wouldn't even need to be on these boards at all!

Here's one for you and me today to remember to trust --

Let not your heart be troubled: you believe in God, believe also in me. In my Father's house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again, and receive you to myself; that where I am, there you may be also. And where I go you know, and the way you know.

[Gerda]

sjohn, you are right in all ways, including the vision of a nice table with all of us sitting around it -- I would love that! but lord I am finding as the week passes too quickly that the PTSD is taking over the peace and quiet. My son mentioned that my H sent photos of the beautiful place he is in, and then it all comes rushing back, that he is a real person and he is doing this to us and he is coming back and there is no escaping that. I think of him coming back and me having to live that life again and I can't breathe. I can't believe I have had to live that way these past months since he filed, I can't believe that I am about to have to do it again.

I find I am particularly obsessed with the friend, my kids' godfather, who is paying H's legal bills and many of his expenses and brought him on the trip to Europe this week along with a priest friend. I can't stop thinking about how evil that guy is and I find myself hating him all the time -- that's me, Gerda, who doesn't hate! Who forgives her H! I have very dark thoughts about that friend. If I could find his wife's number I would have called her while they were all gone to tell her what he is doing. This is not the Gerda I know but that's my desire.

Mostly the days are better, more peaceful, my S keeps saying how much better this is and wanting to make sure he can't live with us anymore. But my D keeps asking for him and asking to call him -- she asked me if she could ask Santa to bring the real Papa back to our family -- and then I get confused about what is best.

With him gone, I don't have to think about how he is trying to destroy us. But the days grow shorter, and I think by the time we get to the end of this week, I will not be able to enjoy anything, I will be so terrified of the end of this time of freedom and the beginning of my next round of having to face him here in the house and then in court.

My L is taking forever to get back to me to file that first motion, so that is also adding to my fear, I just wanted to get that in and to his L before he got back and I see that that is not going to happen before he returns.

Sorry for the downswing this evening. Overall it is wonderful to be on my own this week, just being honest about the fears that are starting to sweep over the peace.