We just finished our last mediation session; the mediator is forwarding the agreed-upon document to our lawyers. At the end, I was all like "Yeah, check that box! Finally got it done! Moving forward!" And then I got teary eyed on the way home. Don't know what that means.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
We just finished our last mediation session; the mediator is forwarding the agreed-upon document to our lawyers. At the end, I was all like "Yeah, check that box! Finally got it done! Moving forward!" And then I got teary eyed on the way home. Don't know what that means.
How dare you have feels! Now put on a somber face and get back out there! Just kidding, hey this is all so freakin' emotional to go through. If crying is the only fallout you experience then I'd say you're doing just fine :-)
Jim.....I cried standing in front of the judge as my xw read her script. I think it is natural as there is so much emotion involved, just the culmination of everything. Once it is final I would suggest you take a couple days to yourself. I took a couple of personal days afterwards and worked out, drank beer and ate pizza. It was therapeutic.
To recap, we're almost done with mediation, and are very close to an agreement. Leaving mediation a few months ago, I explained that I understood a lot of the ways I wasn't a good husband, and apologized. About a month afterward, she said she'd like to talk about the things I said. I said sure, let me know when, and left it at that. It took about another month, but she reminded me last week and we went to lunch on Friday. Nice lunch. I validated. I didn't make any demands. I know what I said had an impact. In general, I said it's no wonder counselling didn't work, because at the time, I *knew* I was a great husband, and therefore any change had to come from her. I acknowledged I looked to her to fulfill all my social needs, which put insane pressure on her. I said I understood how I violated her sense of safety and security and gave examples. I think we'll talk more, but it went well. We attended a party individually last night, were friendly, with no pressure from me.
Strange thing about the separation agreement. We reached an agreement with the mediator, who I don't think is a very good mediator, or lawyer. We each took it to our lawyers to review, and mine basically suggested some language that clears some things up, most of which will work in her favor, but he also strongly suggested that we add a clause that alimony terminates if she moves in with someone. I thought this was a no-brainer, and brought the changes up over lunch. She was fine with the clarifications, but said "no way" to the termination of alimony. We couldn't come to a resolution. Funny that this whole thing might be derailed because we disagree over something that I thought was a given. Maybe it just means more money for more mediation.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
Jim, it sounds like you said the right things when you had lunch with your wife. What did she say? Did she accept any responsibility for her actions or indicate whether she wants to try again?
That's crazy your wife is the one who no longer wants you, yet she wants the alimony even if she moves in with someone new? That's so unethical!! Maybe you should just let her go!
Jim, it sounds like you said the right things when you had lunch with your wife. What did she say? Did she accept any responsibility for her actions or indicate whether she wants to try again?
That's crazy your wife is the one who no longer wants you, yet she wants the alimony even if she moves in with someone new? That's so unethical!! Maybe you should just let her go!
She seemed appreciative of my understanding of my failures, but didn't take responsibility for her actions. I suspect we will talk again. At this point, if we talk again, I'm not sure if I should say, "Hey, you are plenty responsible for part of our divorce, and if you aren't able or willing to admit that, and aren't remorseful and want to do better then I don't have much interest in reconciliation," or wait until she actually says she has interest in reconciliation before mentioning it to her. I don't want to sound presumptuous, but I also don't want her to feel like I waited for her to change her mind, and said, "Ha! Now I don't want to! Take that! Now I'M the one who decided to divorce!"
And that bit about alimony continuing even if she moves in with someone is crazy. The more I think about it, the more certain I am that it MUST be in any agreement.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
I haven't replied because I've really been really thinking about what you said. I hear what you're saying about there not being an "AHA" moment, and her showing you that she got it. Problems I'm struggling with are 1) that we no longer live together, so there's little opportunity to see 180s on her part (I understand I will probably hear about changes in her behavior from friends/kids, etc.), and the kind of 180s I will see/hear won't give me any indication that she's interested in R, 2) in order for there to be a R, at this point, she would kind of have to come out and tell me she's interested in one, and I guess I don't care to give up what I've got going on without a commitment from her to do things differently, 3) she's not one to admit, even to herself, that she was wrong, and 4) a month ago when we talked, she was very clear that she didn't want to go to counseling again. I can't say the counsellors helped, so I can see why she feels that way. They weren't really DB coaches. I'd look for one, but doubt I will get her to go.
I'd love some further input.
1.No longer living together makes it tougher in some ways, easier in others. Either way it's out of your control so don't worry about it and spend that energy in a positive fashion. Or wallow in self-pity. The choice is yours. If she's interested in R, you will know it.
2. If she's interested in R, you will know it. (I'm noticing a trend....)
3. Sounds like it's out of your control.....(another trend...)
4. Who brought up counseling? DB coaches vs counselors doesn't matter all that much. They have different goals IMO. Either one's success will be much greater with a 2 person commitment than a 1 person effort. Why look for a MC when your W doesn't want MC? You like wasting your time and hurting your own feelings?
So that's it. Let go of what you can't control and work on what you can. Please tell me so more details about the last few contacts you've had with her, her attitude, what's been happening.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
1.No longer living together makes it tougher in some ways, easier in others. Either way it's out of your control so don't worry about it and spend that energy in a positive fashion. Or wallow in self-pity. The choice is yours. If she's interested in R, you will know it.
2. If she's interested in R, you will know it. (I'm noticing a trend....)
3. Sounds like it's out of your control.....(another trend...)
4. Who brought up counseling? DB coaches vs counselors doesn't matter all that much. They have different goals IMO. Either one's success will be much greater with a 2 person commitment than a 1 person effort. Why look for a MC when your W doesn't want MC? You like wasting your time and hurting your own feelings?
So that's it. Let go of what you can't control and work on what you can. Please tell me so more details about the last few contacts you've had with her, her attitude, what's been happening.
Ya, I get that it's out of my control. I'm trying to move on and live my life like she's not coming back. Because of that, I'm at the point now, though, where I'm not really interested in trying to R unless she's willing to own her part in the failure of our marriage. I was curious how Steve's W showed she was willing, and then I was trying to explain that many of the avenues Steve's W used to show she was willing to work on the marriage were no longer open to me. The only avenue I see is my W having an "AHA" moment, which Steve suggests avoiding bringing up.
I guess I'm trying to avoid her saying "I'd like to R", and have my answer be "Ya, that's great, BUT..... I'm not, unless you are willing to work on your issues, too," because at this point I've finally achieved enough emotional distance, I don't want to go back to where my needs are no longer met, or she doesn't even attempt to meet them.
Maybe I'm trying to exercise some control over the situation, so I don't get it as much as I think I do......
As far as counseling goes, she brought it up. We were having lunch, discussing both the tentative separation agreement, and an epiphany I had and subsequent apology months ago regarding my culpability in the failure of our marriage (see earlier posts if interested.... don't want to recap here for brevity, but it was significant and apparently made an impression). She basically said if we did R, she didn't want to go back to counseling.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
Something new.... W is on vacation out of the country, and has an abscessed tooth. She texted me asking me to get ahold of the dentist and make an appointment when she comes back. I'm conflicted between "sure" because I'm trying to leave the road to reconciliation open, "ok, but next time, it's a job for your husband or boyfriend, not the guy you are divorcing," and "NFW! This is a job for your husband or boyfriend, not the guy you are divorcing!"
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
