I agree with everything job has said. Really good adivce. I read it twice myself, she real does know what she is talking about.
I would like to add something.
Originally Posted by Hamburg
my brain tells me I need a drastic move.....like move out of the house, or proceed with the divorce negotiations..... but my heart tells me I cannot.
Stop! As job said, I would not move out, or anything else.
I found that this whole situation, this MLC, is one very dramatic experience. As you find some level ground, and the rollercoaster becomes just level track, boring and calm, we think nothing is happening. It now that everything is happening.
The LBS is addicted to the drama, to the dramatic events. You very accurately hear that your brain is telling you it needs a dramatic move. Yes it “needs” it, your life and situation does not!
It takes a lot of will power and focus to calm one’s own brain. Seeing this is the first real step toward achieving it.
Eventually you will also find your heart will “tell” you it needs a dramatic move. Trust me on this, I didn’t see it coming, you probably won’t either. However, one can work their way through that also.
Stay the course and make it through these “needs” of drama.
Do not run away from something, run towards something.
For now you are not ready to run towards anything, even if you think or feel differently. Give it time, and patience. You will know, without doubt, when you are there and on your correct path. Until then accept the “needs” your brain and heart will be telling you, work through them, choose to defer any big decisions for a while - just until you are absolutely sure. I guarantee you will see thing differently, you may still choose the same action, but your reason will be different.
I hope that helps.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Thanks. The key word is patience. I have looked back at so many events between us (especially lately) and told myself the outcome would have been better if I would just have waited. I have to tell myself this over and over again. I love her dearly and want to help her. It is so hard when that person becomes a monster. I will be honest, it does drive me away from time to time. I think to myself I am at the peak of my earning capacity, am in shape, have plenty of prospects, why the hell don't I move on instead of waiting (possibly years) for this to turn around. I have to be patient.
I have a divorce playbook that has my entire case I built around it. I formed it early on in the process and almost threw it away when we initially reconciled. Something told me to keep it. I have been adding things from time to time and feel guilty continuing to build a case while trying to save the marriage. I just don't want to get caught off guard should the worst happen. I hate opening it but feel it is necessary at times.
I touched on this in another thread, and searched and couldn't find anything about how to just be friends.
Background: late 30s, M 12 years, 2 children under 10. Divorce filed in summer, now dead and in line to be dismissed. Living at home and sharing a bedroom. Please see my other thread for more detail.
We had an early reconciliation and then she pumped the brakes for various reasons. For a month now we have basically been friends. There are occasional hugs or hand holding but not really any more than that. I feel stagnant and we need to head a new direction. I have reached a good balance of distance and pursuit. She has not requested space like she did in the past.
We go out once/twice per week and seem to have fun. I have heard to remember what its like to date but when dating, the goal is to build on a romantic relationship. I need some tips on how to get a friendship going here.
You are very new to the forum and I thought I would let you know that the policy is that we stick to one thread until we have reached 100 postings/replies before creating a new one. You can change your subject line within a thread at any time. The reason for this policy is that it helps our posters to follow your progress, as well as you, the poster, being able to go back and look at all of your postings and not have 2 or more active threads going at the same time.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
If things are working okay at the moment, I wouldn't push to head in a new direction. You have to remember...she's leading the dance at the moment. This is her crisis and she will take as long as she needs to heal and you can't rush the process or the results could be very negative.
Can you look at her as a possible roommate, someone you can share experiences with? Talk about your day a bit, ask how her day went, etc. Plan some fun activities not just with her, but w/the kids and ask if she would like to join you. If she says no, don't get upset...but by asking, you will have put the ball back in her court. If you know what her interests are, then you can work on that angle. For example, if she likes craft shows, then look for some craft shows and mention them to her. Everything you do needs to be kept on the download with no pressure and no expectations. Keep things light and fun. You can try to give her a hug once in a while, but don't expect anything in return. If she appears uncomfortable with hugs, then stop them.
Dig deeper for patience, keep those expectations at zero because you are starting out once again developing a friendship w/someone "new". You may want to rush things a bit, but slow down! You are working on her time clock and that clock is mighty slow. It's one step at a time.
Keep the focus on you and dig deeper for patience! Rome wasn't built in a day and a new relationship has to take time to develop.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
It took me a while, but expectations are now zero. We are pretty much roommates sleeping in the same bed.
Here's how things are going: Hugging: majority initiated be her. They are at "hello" and "goodbye" moments only. Kissing: rarely a kiss on the cheek from her. I usually give one while hugging. No resistance. Hand holding/embracing: always initiated by me. She declined most of the time but occasional reciprocity depending on her mood. Note/gifts: not really present in our relationship until all this garbage happened. I would leave a note by the coffee machine daily. Now I do it 2-3 days per week. No longer "ILY" type stuff but rather stuff you'd see in a fortune cookie, have a nice day type stuff. She seems to enjoy it and always says thank you.
We are going to golf lessons this week. Neither of us like golf but we want to try something new together. She is still intertested in going out as a family the majority of the time. We have thanksgiving dinner planned. She says there is nothing to celebrate for Christmas so has said she doesn't want to do anything. I'm letting that die until time gets closer.
I will think of some more activities. My fear is that we will grow apart as we find ourselves. But there is nothing I can do about it.
The thought of pulling back involved stopping ILYs, hugging and spending more time by myself. Is this a bad idea at this time?
You may have to try different angles to see if anything seems to help
If anything brings her closer or what seems to help and notice what does not help
Sometimes nothing works-and that is helpful to know-
Golf is good and like you said, you can find more activities you can go to range and even get golf games with others when your able
Couples dancing is also another activity if she Is open
I know it is scary to let go and find yourself but yes as you said you have no choice and any clingy behavior may seem negative to her and push her away
hang in
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
So last night we had wine out on the porch. I went against the playbook and talked about myself. Eating right, working out, etc... she complimented me and said she's proud I have stayed the course and am very attractive. Then we talked about the money pit of a house we live in and I said "I'm done with it. I'm ready to startover. I'm going to build a cabin in the woods, live alone and enjoy life". She said "whoa, whoa, whoa, remember nothing has changed. Dont make a rash decision"
Nothing has changed = convo we had a month ago. we want marriage to work and are taking time to figure it out.
Not going to drop that card often but it seemed to work.
MLC interactions are like lab experiments. As Peace pointed out, you have to experiment a bit and see what works and what doesn't. If something is working...then stay the course. If something isn't working, then don't try it again.
I see nothing wrong with the conversation you had last night. You used the word "I" instead of "we or you" and that keeps the communication line a bit more open. She listened to what you had to say and you got a response from her. Do not drop that particular card again...she may feel like you are trying to pressure her into something.
For now...keep the focus on you and your family. Give your wife the space and time she needs.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I also went to dinner by myself, which I never do. She asked how it was and I said it was nice to have some peace. She said it's nice.......occasionally but nothing more than once per week or so. Prior in our divorce she would go out by herself daily.
She is re-inspired to work, but putting heavy stipulations on it. No weekends, nights or travel. Prior in the divorce she wanted to do whatever she could to get out. She may just go part time to see how it goes. I encouraged her and said to let me know if she needs anything.
No daggers thrown in 4 days or so....this is a record. I'm guessing so far, so good.
We are going to the gym, lunch, then golfing today.
I am remembering the man she fell in love with. Charming, witty, funny and romantic. I would send her love notes, poems and treat her like a queen. Lots of that fell off during the marriage. I have to be that guy again. I remember that was one of the happiest times of my life and I felt whole inside.
