Divorce and Acceptance part 3

[OneArt]

Pax, I'm glad you know what you are dealing with and understand that issues are his and are not personalizing them. I just finished reading the book by the CEO of Facebook whose H dropped dead at a young age. It is a great tool for helping to process grief, build resilience and find joy in your life. I suggest you check it out if you can. It isn't a divorce book, but again about feelings and has a lot of examples of people who faced tough situations in their lives and rose above them. Triumph of the human spirit if you will.

He may be trying these awful things, but he won't be the first to do so and he won't be successful. I'm sorry this has dragged on so long. If I ever see mine make a move for bifurcation I will fight a bloody battle on that. It really is a crime. Without the actual D keeping him honest, his games can continue until he tires of paying for them or can't find another lawyer to help him with that agenda, but let's be honest, just like there is always a woman willing to be with one of these dirtbags, there is always a lawyer ready to take on even the most offensive client.

Keep in mind that this divorce is his last ability (save the dog) to stay in your life and to exercise control over you. Once you belong to a narcissist, you belong to them forever. Try to view it as an element of his dysfunction rather than a desire to hurt you. In other words, try not to personlize, try to see it as something that does have an end date, and as something that affects only this one part of your life. If you read the book I mentioned, these things will make sense. Also, keep in mind that it could be worse. It is said that is a helpful component in getting through tough times. You could still be married to him, you could have children with him and have to deal with this for the rest of your life, and you could be worse off financially, emotionally, and socially. You are going to get through this.

I'm glad you are working on your funk. Check out the book if you get a chance.

[Pax_luv]

Hi One-
Thank you for that book rec. I’ll check it out.

So, the last two days have been weird. I have been deeply affected by the senate judiciary hearing about the Supreme Court nom. I can’t stop thinking about it and what it all means for our country, society, and the scotus. I’m deeply, deeply triggered by all of it. Background- I’ve never been physically or sexually assaulted, nor am I extreme left or right wing. I’m just a woman who believes in doing right.

Anyway....

I won’t get into the details as they aren’t pertinent, but I’m personally troubled with the severe repercussions of speaking up.... especially to those with power.

In my profession, I partner with a lot of leaders and executives to lead programs and intiatives. One of my partners, whom I’ve worked with for almost a decade, was recently promoted to one of our most senior positions and his ego is on another level. It’s disgusting. He happens to be a homosexual male in his mid 50s and I’m in my mid 30s. He now looks at me like I’m this childish bimbo secretary from the 60s and treats me like sh*t. (And please note I’m only using the secretary comment to describe how out of touch he is with the workforce of today).

He’s degrading and condescending and disrespectful. I’ve shared some of the interactions and frustrations with my boss and I’ve had some difficult conversations with him, where he always turns it around on me. He is beyond disrespectful and I know this behavior is totally inappropriate in the workplace (and in society!) and his behavior reflects poorly on the company. Honestly, he reminds me of a whiny baby who has temper tantrums all day long. He scoffs and rolls his eyes all the time when I speak and is like- this [censored], this is NOT good, blah blah blah blah

Anyway, I don’t feel like I can speak up and report the behavior without it backfiring big time. My efforts up til now have backfired- he used to tell me that I had to work on the weekends to get stuff done (ps I don’t work for him, I work with him) and I told him that it is my choice whether or not I will work on the weekends and I wasn’t going to do the task he wanted... well, he brought it up in other meetings where he told our colleagues that I don’t work on the weekends. (But the way he did it was a dig). Ie- “now, now, now, we cant have pax do that because that might be extra and she won’t do it if it requires her to work on the weekend.”

I also have trouble with the way our relationship has evolved since his promotion, because it brings me back to my relationship with my ex. Where nothing I did was ever good enough. It was always- “ you missed a spot” “you can’t park right” “you’re doing it wrong” “ youre stuuuuuupid” Ughhhhhhhh. I have to be honest.... I think this has been contributing to the depression I’ve been feeling.

So... today... I was in my office listening to the senate vote while I was preparing for a meeting with him. It was really nice because he had been on vacation for two weeks, but I knew that meant he was going to be on me during the meeting so I was trying to be overly prepared. And you know what, I could barely leave my office to go upstairs and meet with him. It was like I was paralyzed. This is what i do in extreme times of stress. I freeze. I wish I was one of those fight or flight folks... but I freeze. I gave myself a pep talk, took deep breaths, chugged some coffee and ended up heading up to the meeting 7 minutes late. In that time, he called my office twice but I let it go to voicemail.

I did my meeting.... it was as expected. He’s just an arrogant baffoon. And I just sat there and did my thing, the whole time thinking about the repurcussions of speaking up. Sometimes it’s just easier to take the disrespect, condescension, and, at times, verbal abuse.

Hmmmmmmm. For a long time, I wrote it off like- oh that’s just him. He’s harmless. He’s persnickety, but that’s just because he wants it right. Then when he got the big-man title, he went off the rails! He’s literally said to me- I’m ruling with an iron fist now! Ugh. Disgusting.

Oyyyyyyy...There’s a part 2 with this dilemma that I’ll get to tomorrow. It’s 2am and I need some sleep!

[Pax_luv]

Hello,
Coming on here because I’m making myself sick with anxiety and I’m hoping if I let it out, I can Move forward with my day.

I should be getting the financial analysis from the forensic accountant as early as today and I’m scared. What if he did that good a job covering up his finances? I know her findings aren’t the end all be all, but they will set the tone for many things.

One of the things she was evaluating was amount available for support. Ex wanted spousal support from me. On paper I make more than him and at first glance that is was she told me.

Behind the scenes, ex made about 4 times more than me, but he kept it in his business. (He’s the only party in that business) So, he only gave himself a paycheck when he/ we really needed it. And since his business was part of a huge lawsuit, he “mysteriously” dwindled away all that business’ money, shut it down, and started a new one after our separation. Oh yeah. He also bought houses and cars after separation.

We had joint accounts for things, but I didn’t realize that he was using my income to pay for our expenses while he behind the scenes wasn’t contributing to us. As a finance guy, I trusted him to be doing the right thing and looking out for both of us. That wasn’t the case..... ever.

I pray and pray and pray that the accountant could make sense of this. But she’s totally impartial so I don’t even know she knew to look at the sort of thing.

The other thing we are evaluating is ownership of the house. There’s a lot of crap behind that. Originally his business bought the house to flip, but we decided to buy it from the business and it became our private residence that we would continue to work on together and raise our family in. That is when we took out a mortgage together, co-signed, and we bought it from the business. . He keeps trying to say it was his business’ first and I have no rights. Such a jerk.

Anyway... I’ve been waiting for this analysis for 15 months and I’m terrified for what the analysis says. I can’t live like this anymore. I’m applying for another job just to make ends meet. And I already have a good job that consumes a majority of my time. I can’t imagine working every hour of every day just to get by. It’s too much. I’m honestly just scared.

[OneArt]

Pax, slow down and breathe. You are borrowing trouble. Totally understandable and you have endured a special kind of h@ll. If she does miss things, then you will deal with it. But right now you don't know that she has and you are making yourself feel worse by your worry.

Just as all the parade of horribles you are imaging could come true, it could also be true that she caught all of this. These are pretty typical things for small business owners and one of the reasons that finances for lending are much more heavily scrutinized when you have someone who owns something like more than 16% of a business. She could well have caught all of his shenanigans and the report could be very favorable to you. You just don't know.

Please listen to some guided meditation to calm down. Keep yourself busy. Get some exercise to work the adrenaline out and keep the cortisol at bay.

Sometimes when your trust is so violated it is hard to believe that the system works, but it usually does.

We are here for you Pax. What you are going through is understandable. But you have survived worse and you will get through this too.

[Pax_luv]

One, thank you so much. You nailed it smack dab on the head
“Sometimes when your trust is so violated it is hard to believe that the system works, but is usually does.”

This is the issue. My trust has been violated in ways I never could have imagined. He’s “gotten away with” so much. For a long time, I knew that I had integrity on my side, but somehow he’s been able to skirt the system time after time.

I appreciate you talking me off the ledge. Just trying to breathe. Thank you.

[Pax_luv]

Hello there!

Had a few moments of gratitude and wanted to come here and share with you all.

I started talking with my db coach 3 years ago. Ex and I had been separated for several months and I was still standing strong and wanting to do my part to “fix” things as best as possible. Since we were separated, there really wasn’t anything I could do but work on myself. Challenge accepted.

The coach was trying to help me find things that brought joy to my life. Well, in that endless darkness, it didn’t seem like I had any joy anymore. I couldn’t even make something up! So, he asked me, “What’s one thing you always wanted to do but you never did because you were married?”

The answer came easily. I always wanted to try and run a half marathon, but I never pursued it because 1) with my busy job, I didn’t want to be away from my husband and dog any more than necessary. My weekends were for them. And 2) I wanted to do it with my ex but he always complaining that I was too slow and it was painful for him. So.... I just stopped running all together. (Side note- this will never happen in my future relationship... keeping some part of my life separate is way too important)

Anyway, a couple months later, I ran my first half marathon and it was so emotional! Following that, I’ve done several more half’s, triathlons, marathons, a body building competition and more... that one statement from my DB coach was such a catalyst for me getting my groove back.

Well, this morning, I did another half. But here’s the difference—- it was no big deal! I went out to a party the night before with a bunch of new friends, had some wine, had a few hours of sleep, got up, walked the dog, threw on my running shoes and stuffed some gu packets in my sports bra and off I went.

Part of the course was on A leg of my first half and it ALL came coming back to me. I don’t usually take the time to reflect on how far I’ve come, but holy moly, I’ve come so far! And I’m so grateful. It was crazy to relive the memories of me about to complete my first half marathon... something I never thought my body would do, and here I am three years later just strolling along... no big deal. It’s part of who I am. Just amazing.

It was crazy to have that reflection and it was awesome and emotional at the same time. Wow... time really is our friend and we really can transform our lives into something we never thought possible. Obviously, the physical feat is just the icing on the cake... there’s so much more to this journey than that. But unimaginable positive progress is so possible!



I have an update on the ex stuff, too. But I don’t want to address it right now. No need to ruin the vibe!

Wishing you all a lovely day!! Keep going! You got this!

[pinn]

Yeaaaaah Pax! So happy to read this! You have come so so so far. I am glad you the realization of how far you have come hit during the race. Must have been a nice adrenaline race. On to 2019!

[Pax_luv]

Heyyy Pinn!!! Thank you! We’ve both come a long way, my friend.

It’s friday night and the first time in a long time that I feel relaxed! I revel in these moments as I’m normally a ball of stress and anxiety. I appreciate these moments of solace.

My year is winding down for work and I have a few more projects to wrap up and then I’ll actually have some time in the office to get work done and start planning for 2019. I’m going to have a nice few weeks of calm and I’m excited for that. My job has been really consuming the last few months so I’m excited to make more balance.

A little update-

I continue to keep oneart’s statement in my mind.. “when your trust is so violated, it’s hard to believe that the system works, but it usually does.” One- this has been more helpful than you know. I’m finally starting to get some movement (albeit they’re micro baby steps) in the legal side. And my lawyer has advised that even though everything feels really scary right now, it’s only because of the circus that my ex had turned this into. At the end of the day, things should be ok. Gotta trust the process.

With that, I continue to move forward being compliant with everything I need to be compliant with.

I have huge bills between the lawyer and cpa so I started to take steps to get a second job. I alerted my lawyer who let me know that additional income will also be used to determine any support I can provide to ex or in paying for his legal fees. So I paused in my tracks. Why would I work myself to death to support him?!? That’s nuts. Ughhhh. It’s a d@rn if you do, d@rn if you don’t scenario.

I’ll just stay in financial limbo for a little bit longer.


On another note... I picked up my dog today from ex and the poor pup is doused in ex’s cologne. Of course the first thing I do when I see my pup is pick him up and snuggle with him and now it’s all over me too! I’m thinking to myself, how on earth did he get all this cologne on him??? And then, I had to think if ex would do it on purpose??

Anyway, I’m going to change and shower. I’m annoyed that I smell like him and I’m debating if I should bathe my dog too. He doesn’t seem to mind... but I don’t want ex’s smell in my bed, either! I don’t feel anything about it other than thinking, “how obnoxious!” Bleh.

Well, time to finish my dinner (is there anything better than piping hot pizza and a yummy red blend?) and watch a Christmas movie on hallmark. It’s weird to think that this is going to be my 4th holiday season without ex. So strange!

That’s all I got for now....wishing you all a lovely weekend

[OneArt]

It would not surprise me if he did it intentionally. Get it resolved, then get the extra job. Glad you are seeing the tide turn. Enjoy the dog, the pizza and the movie!

[Pax_luv]

Thanks OneArt!
Well, I think I figured it out....

Now that the cologne has dissipated a little bit. I can tell my that my dog smells a lot like women’s perfume (Chanel?). It seems like my pup has been snuggled up to a lady.... and ex put dabs of his cologne on the dog to cover it up before I got him! I can smell the exact spots where he dabbed it on.

What a sneaky sleaze-bag!!!