On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Both of you have grown and learned some new things along the way. He is getting more and more comfortable in being home and yes, the promotion has boosted his confidence.
When he does things, please be sure to recognize his efforts and thank him. He still needs that affirmation and recognition.
You have learned the lessons and will utilize them each and every day. You dropped the rope and allowed him to figure things out.
I am very proud of you. Keep up the good work.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you Job, your pride in me means so much, and yes I make sure I thank him for his efforts.
I must admit that in the early days when you would post on my thread I’d think ‘ oh here comes Job with her sound bites’ “ it’s a marathon not a sprint, dig deeper for patience, keep your expectations to zero etc”.
I’d think to myself ‘what does she know? She doesn’t know me, my H or our M’.
Well.......I’ve learned over the last two years that you know so very much. You’ve been here for nearly 20 years and you’ve heard it all.
I’ve taken so much advice from you, Cadet and all the people I’ve had the honour to ‘meet’ on here and if I can give any advice to the newbies is to very much listen!
Those very “sound bites” I mentioned? They are the very ones that have stuck in my head and seen me through.
What I will always take from this wonderful site is.......
Listen to the vets, they know what they are talking about. They’ve been through the same pain.
What I want people to take from me......
Be utterly true to yourself and your sitch. If you witnessed your partner go through a trauma of some kind around 24 months before BD and deep in your soul know the reason for BD is not you then keep the faith.
Listen to the advice of how not to behave around them, listen to Cadets words of ‘ you have been given the gift of time, use it well’.
Don’t complicate matters by dating someone else if you really want them back.
Be that lighthouse. Prepare to be that lighthouse for at least two years. If they are meant to come back they will, depending on you and your actions. This is my humble opinion only.
Be the best version of yourself, whether they return or not. Do it for you.
Exercise. Doesn’t matter what you do, it will help enormously. Look after yourself and your kids.
Just give it time and if they do return give it more time because it’s no walk in the park, but it does get better. Time really is your best friend in all of this.
Westo, you have no idea how encouraging your words are to me--right here, right now.
I took off my wedding ring this morning. After 9 months, I was done with the pain. Deep in my heart, I love my wife deeply and I believe I understand some of her issues. She truly prefers to be on her own right now--to heal and to grow. I know she does not operate from a place of malice. Indeed, through all this, she has behaved as decently as anyone in her situation can be expected to.
So, I don't know if I will step away and open myself to the possibility of other relationships. But your words are definitely worth mulling over. Thank you. Peace and love.
I’m so glad you checked in to my thread and took comfort. You are one reason I update my sitch, to give hope.
With a true MLC timeline 9 months is nothing. I ask that you give more time and don’t think about dating. Why the hurry?
You believe your wife has acted with no malice. My H did too. He didn’t spew any through all this time. Give her and you more time. Work on you....grow into the man you should have (you were held back a little) while you lived your life being an H etc.
I don’t know if your W will get through this crisis in her life and come back to you (no one does). But in the meantime you have to go through your own journey.
Tonight H said “ oh, I wonder if S is going to Birmingham next week for a classic car rally exebition” I asked why and he said he would to go too.
I said........
“Yeah, it’s all about you you you, isn’t it. Maybe I’d like to go too”.
So I let that hang there.....you see, I know I’m learning to be the best version of myself I can be.
I read all your threads yesterday and of all the situations that I've read on here, yours resonated the most with me. I feel I am in a very similar situation to that which you were in and I get the impression we may be similar characters. In particular my H has more or less ignored the adult kids and the fact that a new grandchild was born a month ago.
H has been involved with another woman for nearly 2 years. Looking back I can see the 'crises' in his life that created the situation we were in and why he thought 'shiny and new' was better than putting the effort in.
I'm struggling at the moment with my own thoughts. I can see a life without him and know I'll be okay and will find some version of happiness. My head tells me that I am a fool to want to R this marriage but my heart differs.
It has only been 4 months but things are moving forwards towards full S at a pace that is too fast for me. But we have to be practical and we cannot afford for me to stay in the house and for him to live somewhere else. So, the house will be sold and we will have totally separate lives. Last week he told me that we will never live together again.
OW is still in the picture, he says they are talking but are not a 'couple' I have told him that there is no M whilst she is in the picture and I will not be part of the circus. I did say that when it ended, that he should come and talk to me and we would see where we are at (wrongly, I know)
I feel a bit stuck to be honest. If I push through I know that I can live a life without him and accept that I don't want the M anymore. But I feel that there is unfinished business between us and I can't shake that feeling. It might be because this sitch has been forced upon me rather than my choice and I KNOW I don't like that scenario.
Am I just being stubborn 'it's over when I say it's over, not you!' I don't know if he's sulking because of my detachment or if it really is over.
If you get chance to have a glance at my situation I would appreciate any comments from you.
Westo, MLC is a label we attach to a complex reality few of us (including the person going through it) fully understand. From all I knew of her, I had anticipated my wife would undergo a period of existential self-scrutiny. I did not anticipate that she would reject me during this period.
I understand 9 mos. is a short time in the context of the lifetime I hope to have with her. But I guess I am grappling with the question most of us struggle with: is this an aberration or is this the new normal? I think most of us who love our spouses would agree that if we new with certainty it was the former, we would wait. The uncertainty is what is most taxing for me.
How about starting a thread here in MLC? We can address your concerns better on a thread of your own and the posters, as well as yourself, can follow your progress.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
