I suddenly realized I did not want to watch them leave so I quickly changed, said good-bye to the kids and “see ya” to my H. He had a weird look on his face...it struck me as kind of amused. Ugh
I know this look. I call it smug. Its the look that tells me H still holds some resentment towards me. Satisfaction over getting a reaction. Pay it no mind.
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
Tonight I joined a meetup group in my city for women 40+. I think I am going to force myself to go to one of their events. I need to meet some new people and expand my circle of friends.
I joined a meetup social group who met for dinners, pub nights and dancing soon after BD. By social group what they really meant was people looking to socialise and maybe hook up. I hated it. I might try a yoga or walking group after the improv course. The her 40's womens group sounds good too.
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
Journaling...noticed my H’s electric toothbrush is gone .... I don’t know why but for some reason that really hit me hard ... I immediately took everything else of his that was on the bathroom counter and shoved it into a drawer. Noe when I look in the bathroom, it definitely looks like one person uses ut.(
It's the little things that get you once they've moved out. The reminders that they lived there once, and now no longer do. H and I (use to) have a shared electric toothbrush. I was away recently and he stayed here with the girls overnight. I noticed when I got home that his toothbrush head was on the electric toothbrush. It really threw me so I threw it in the bin.
As an aside, (I think I may have mentioned it) the day he moved out i walked around the house and took down every photo of him. I put any photos of him and the girls in their respective bedrooms and then put any photos of us in his 'magic wardrobe'. When I came home the next day he had taken the box of photos from the wardrobe. I was speaking to our cleaner yesterday and she remembers that day. She said she saw him put in in the back of his car and there were tears running down his face. He never said a word about it then or now. When I went around to his flat a few weeks later he had take our photos out of the frames and either put photos of the children in them or just put out the empty frames out. I told him his flat was nice, then I went home I cried. I didn't say a word about it then or now.
I was trying to erase him out of my life (and he felt hurt by it) and he was trying to erase my from his (and I felt hurt by it). Why couldn't we just tell each other we were both hurting. Its times like this I want to shake him and say "wake up".
The weekend was okay. H spent a lot of time with the kids because I was busy on Saturday and it was his day to have them on Sunday. Something interesting happened on Saturday night. I sent him a picture of our daughter crying over a spider donut she had eaten (she gave it a name and felt bad she had eaten it...lol). It struck me as funny and I know that I shoudn’t have but I just had to send him the picture. I feel like he misses out on so much. Anyway, he texted me back right away with a comment and then sent me a second text that he was on the phone with his dad. Normally not a big deal but he hasn’t talked to his dad in 15 months and as far as I knew, wasn’t planning on being the first to reach out. Kind of took me by surprise. Not really sure what to make of it but maybe he is starting to unpack some things?
He tried to get me to feed them dinner on Sunday but I had plans and I told him I needed him to step up and be a parent, not a babysitter. He took it rather well. In fact, he is being so nice that you would think he is the one DBing. Sunday he came inside when he brought them home and saw that I was drinking a glass of wine so asked if he could join me. I agreed and he sat down to chat. I asked him how his phone call went. Apparently, after 15 months of no contact, they started talking like they had just talked the week before. HIs dad asked him nothing about himself or why he hadn’t called him in over a year. Did not mention anything about the fact that H isn’t living with his family. Nothing. Apparently he just talked about the things he is working on around his house and a mishap that happened last week when he almost got into a car accident. Huh?? That is so unbelievable to me. Also explains why my H is so avoidant and unable to talk about important issues if he thinks they might lead to any kind of a conflict. Between his mom and his dad, he has not had one conversation about our current situation. My MIL wrote him a seven-page letter when she thought he was having an affair. She hasn’t given it to him and not once has she brought up her own feelings about this situation. For as long as he was lying to me, he was lying to her and letting her take on his parenting responsibilities. It is so crazy to me that she hasn’t said one word to him about it but she has said plenty to me. Bizarre.
We also talked about Hallowe’en. He was under the impression that I wanted him to take the kids out while I would stay at home and hand out candy. I told him that I wanted to take the kids out as well so we agreed to do it together which is the first time since the boat ride that led to my “meltdown”. He’s coming for dinner as well which is also a first. He hasn’t eaten a meal with us since September 15th, the day after I found out about his secret hideaway.
H also told me that he has been struggling with pain (leftover from his Shingles) the last few days and that he was running low on medication. I offered to give him some of mine as I use the same meds for my migraines and am on a new preventative treatment that seems to be working so I haven’t had to take them for six weeks now. He thanked me and I went and got him some pills and handed them to him. He then started crying and said that he is just really sick of the pain. Sadly, the me that loves him and wants to comfort him came out and I hugged him. I should not have. He patted me on the back like he was comforting me and it was the kind of hug one gives a friend. Made me sad and resolved to do better with the detaching. I know that I could do a great job of it if I focused on all the negatives.... the things he does that drive me crazy and all of the lies he has told me, etc... I am afraid to go there. I want to let him go with love, not disdain - for my sake, for my kids’ sake, for the sake of our future co-parenting relationship. I know this is the long road to detachment. So...onwards and upwards, I suppose. I am looking forward to taking the kids out tomorrow and am hoping for decent weather. Will try to focus on them and not worry about my H so much. Tonight is their dance and I told H to stay home and that I would handle it. He has been with them more this week than he had been in a month of his running away behaviour. So, I am happy for them at least. They have their dad back. A consolation prize for losing their parents together. I still am struggling with that and coming to terms with how easily he has walked away from us as a family unit. It is something I would not have even considered, even in my unhappiest moments.
I sent him a picture of our daughter crying over a spider donut she had eaten (she gave it a name and felt bad she had eaten it...lol). It struck me as funny and I know that I shoudn’t have but I just had to send him the picture. I feel like he misses out on so much.
Don't beat yourself up about this. You are not sending ILU's or I miss you. You are sending pictures of your kids to their father. Not to remind him of what he is missing out on. Not to tell him "look we're doing so well without you", but because they are his kids and he loves them. I see it as no different to sending a pic of the kids to H's mum - though I wouldn't send it with the extended commentary I normally send to her. Just a "thought you'd get a kick out of D8's successful attempt to eat with chopsticks".
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
... and then sent me a second text that he was on the phone with his dad. Normally not a big deal but he hasn’t talked to his dad in 15 months and as far as I knew, wasn’'t planning on being the first to reach out. Kind of took me by surprise.
I think the S probably made H realize how important the relationships between a parent and their child is. Plus, and this is a personal theory with no evidence to support it whatsoever, I think we can only obsess about one thing/ person at a time. Our brains don't have the processing capacity to obsess over two things/persons so makes room for the new one. The other one kind of takes a back seat. If the person we were originally angry with was important in our lives, then we reach out, if they were not important, then they disappear into the realms of "people [we] once knew" and never waste another thought or emotion on them.
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
He has been with them more this week than he had been in a month of his running away behaviour. So, I am happy for them at least. They have their dad back. A consolation prize for losing their parents together. I still am struggling with that and coming to terms with how easily he has walked away from us as a family unit. It is something I would not have even considered, even in my unhappiest moments.
I really hear you on this one. On one hand I am so happy the kids have the father they deserve, and on the other hand, I watch them together and think, what about me. I try and look on the bright side, and yes, it is a consolation prize, but he is now a better father than before BD. It saddens me it took destroying our M to get him to be that better father. It is only my ego that is hurt. Knowing that doesn't make it hurt less though.
Interesting theory FS. I will definitely have to think about it.
I have the exact same “what about me” thoughts when I see my H with the kids. It is ironic that the destruction of one relationship leads to the building of another that we are forever a part of but also not a part of. You know what I mean? My kids have been to my H’s a number of times. My son talks about the boy who lives downstairs. My daughter has a friendship with his mom (who apparently went in for a second surgery today and things are not looking good). These people are strangers to me. They are part of my H’s life - not my H, exactly, but the person who is currently occupying his body. He is creating a new reality for himself that does not include me. That hurts. It hurts a lot.
Journaling… So…it’s a good thing that we talk a lot about having no expectations although, when it comes to my H, since he got Shingles, my expectations have always been low to expecting to be disappointed. He continues to not disappoint me in that regard. Predictably, our Hallowe’en plans went south. My daughter decided she wanted to go out with her friend. She tried to take her brother but he doesn’t like the friend’s little sister [she is a handful, no doubt] so said he wanted to go on his own with me. My H came for dinner and to help get them ready but I could tell from his face that he was having some pain issues again and he had that “I need to bail” look that I know so well. Despite my anticipation of this, I think I looked somewhat disappointed and I know he felt guilty when he left. Tried to do damage control by sending him a couple of pictures to which he responded enthusiastically. This morning, he texted me to ask how it went and apologized for being a “pain in the ass”. I almost texted back that I am used to it but did a 180 on that and told him “no worries” and that I would be going out tonight (ironically to a fashion show at his place of employment – one of my teen clients invited me) so the kids would be with his mom if he wanted to visit. He told me a couple days ago that he wanted to go river fishing right after work but the weather looks like it may not cooperate so he might stop by to try to make up for last night. Admittedly, this detaching thing is hard to do when I see or hear from him almost every day. This weekend his daughter is coming for a visit and will stay with me. She’s having relationship problems with her BF and wants to come over for a break from the drama. So…my H will be around again. He’s always described this situation as a “temporary break” but the longer this goes on, the more I think that he is just telling me that to soften the blow for when he eventually tells me he wants to make this a permanent thing – likely around the time he runs out of money and has to start going into our joint account. I have to give him props though, other than his gas and the odd grocery or Home Depot bill, he has used very little of our money and has told me that he is trying to keep expenses down. I’ve told him that I appreciate it. Personally, again, I think this is to soften the blow for when we finally have that talk neither of us wants to have – me because I just want to work on the M and him because he avoids conflict like the plague. Sigh…
Admittedly, this detaching thing is hard to do when I see or hear from him almost every day.
I so hear you on this. Like you I do the best I can. My entries are full of H because I do see him every day, and, as I am not fully detached, I still feel the need to analyze every bit of every interaction. Sometimes, I wish my H displayed the level of cruelty that I read on other threads so that I could detach properly. I could set proper boundaries. However, I am grateful that he is not cruel (anymore) and I know this makes detaching harder.
I know the constant contact is hard, but would you really prefer it if your H was gripped with the darkness that some of the other spouses here?
I think detaching, particularly in our sitchs where the spouse is showing a commitment to being a good parent, is really more about removing expectations than going dark. I try and remember that he is here so much for the children. If there were no children, there would be no contact. That helps me reduce my expectations or at least act like I don't have expectations. Clearly I still do though.
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
I have to give him props though, other than his gas and the odd grocery or Home Depot bill, he has used very little of our money and has told me that he is trying to keep expenses down. I’ve told him that I appreciate it. Personally, again, I think this is to soften the blow for when we finally have that talk neither of us wants to have – me because I just want to work on the M and him because he avoids conflict like the plague. Sigh…
Our H's are so alike they could be reading from the same play book.
PS - I'm sorry your hallowed didn't go to plan. It is difficult to remove expectations from any type of holiday/event.
It is pretty scary how alike our H's are. Yours has been out of the home since March and technically, mine has too, I just didn't realize it until September. Hating my H would make it easier to move on but I know that this way is better for our children. I do like the contact between us in some ways. I just worry that I am getting too used to it and that if we move forward and declare ourselves officially S or moving on to D, I will need to set some more boundaries so that we don't see each other so much. I know he does not have as much effect on me when I haven't seen him for a few days.
I've gotten over the Hallowe'en disappointment. I am still bugged that I let myself be disappointed at all since I had predicted it. If you had asked me beforehand what the chances were that he would stick it out with me and the kids, I would have told you 25%. I really have to start preparing better for the worst instead of hoping for the best. I actually feel like I should be doing that about the entire sitch overall but it is difficult when I see him and things feel so normal other than I can't really touch him or say ILU anymore. That part is tough. I'm a pretty affectionate person by nature. However, thinking back, I wasn't really being that way with him the last six months or so. I think I just sensed he was not open to it.
His daughter is staying with me over the weekend so I expect I will see him a fair amount. Other than letting him know when she is arriving, I am going to leave it to the two of them to figure out how much of a visit they want. He is used to me organizing everything so I am curious to see if he steps up his game. That's about a 30% chance.
I actually feel like I should be doing that about the entire sitch overall but it is difficult when I see him and things feel so normal other than I can't really touch him or say ILU anymore. That part is tough.
This 'normalcy' is the worst part. It's like we are still together, but we are not. I want to reach out to touch him like we use to. He has just left, and I found myself going to kiss him goodbye. But I didn't. This whole thing is madness.
I so get what you mean FS. It is very difficult for me not to hug or kiss my H when I see him. I just have to keep reminding myself of the last time I hugged him. He hugged me like he was hugging a friend that he doesn’t even know that well. Ugh. That was worse than not hugging him.
I hate Fridays. My kids have activities on Fridays and my H gets off work early so he picks them up from school, feeds them and ushers them off to their activities so by the time I get home, the house is empty and quiet and it is just me and my thoughts. When I am busy during the day, I don’t think about him much but when it is quiet and I am alone, i can head down the “woe is me” path and the “if only” trail. Luckily I have some shopping errands to run and then I have to pick up my stepdaughter from the ferry. Then the house will be noisy and I will be wishing for quiet...lol.
No idea what this weekend is going to look like. Just going to keep it at “no expectations”.
Even worse the normal is in some ways better then before. H is cooking dinner 3 Times a week, he spends more time with the kids. Yesterday he fixed a leak in the bathroom. Things he rarely had time for before. I had to hold something for him in the bathroom and we were closer then we had been in ages. Avery good and sad feeling at the same time. Being so close and still so distant. Then I see his moving boxes and it is back to reality. I hope you have a great weekend.
