I said "You're welcome, I'm glad everyone had a good time" and she responded with a few smiley face emojis. Then that same night about 10 minutes later she texted me talking about how she is worried about some bloodwork she had done and that the doctor called her saying that she needs to come in for an appt. She sent probably 10 texts in a 30 minute period, after a little while I responded saying "I'm sure everything will be fine" and she said "thank you (smiley face).
Then yesterday morning again texted me saying "Good morning, I was researching and it said that if I ever want to have another child I won't be able to" (regarding her medical condition) "I just can't stop thinking about it" and I said "It doesn't help you to think about it, just try to get your mind off of it". Then she said "Yes you're right, thank you (smiley face)". Then a few hours later she calls me, didn't answer. Texted "you called?" she responded "Yes, I wanted to know when you could change the oil on my car". I told her "I don't know when I'll be able too I'm pretty busy after work" and she said "Maybe I'll just take it somewhere else" and I said "ok". Then she responded "I'm just joking, let me know what day you can and how much you'll charge". (I didn't respond) Then two hours later she said "Do you want to get coffee?" (Remember we just had dinner the night before). I said "No I can't tonight, maybe some other time". She said "Ok (sad face emoji)". Then a few hours later said "Have a good night" (I didn't see that text till this morning so I didn't respond).
I feel like she's done a total 180 and is pursuing me almost non-stop. I just don't know what she wants? She hasn't mentioned anything about R or wanting to "talk". I really feel like she's testing me or possibly does miss me. What do you all think? And what should my next step be? From my understanding of the DB principles, I just need to keep doing what I'm doing. My only question is, how many invitations do I accept? For example, I accepted monday, yesterday (tuesday) I did not. Do I accept her next invitation? Thank you all for the great advice and listening to my sitch.
I think what you are doing is correct but I guess you should accept some of the invitations but also turn some down. Need to strike a balance I guess as if you accept them all it looks needy but turn them down she may give up completely. Don't know what her pursuing means though but would have no expectations as people advise.
Yes, that’s the thing, finding the balance. I really don’t want to look needy but at the same time I don’t want her to give up. I’m just confused as to why she is pursuing me since usually she’s too proud to do that...
Sounds to me like you are striking the right balance. You’re friendly but not overly enthusiastic. I you think about her as your “sister”, you responded just the way a brother would have. You were supportive when she asked for support but you didn’t make her your #1 priority by giving up other plans to spend time with her. I think you handled all those texts perfectly. Just like Crofton said though.... no expectations. I have figured out with my H (hopefully not too late) that too much enthusiasm on my part, even if he initiates, sends him running again. Be the lighthouse.
imlost8....I find myself in a similar sitch. W has gone out of her way to spend more/request more time with me. We are still under the same roof but I have been much more accepting of time together. My key to being ok with this is truly not having expectations...as soon as I do I start the vicious cycle and will not go down that road again. I have kept some honest GAL activities and done similar with communication as you have and that has allowed me to keep the focus on me and kids being happy.
I'll admit it is a good feeling to have her pursue me again, but it is also a better feeling to not be afraid and know I will be alright if she stops. Hang in there, it looks like things are trending in the right direction.
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
imlost8, it sounds like your W is learning to miss you and that is a very good sign. You've gotten some great advice here but just to reinforce what others have told you- tread carefully, have ZERO expectations, and keep your W at arm's length. Accept some invitations and decline others. When she calls or texts, sometimes reply right away, sometimes an hour or two later and sometimes not at all (if it's nothing critical). Don't be immediately available to her all the time. DO NOT break into pursuit mode, many LBS's before you have done just that when their W started showing some positive signs and it just sends the WAS running again. Let her do all the pursuit. Keep up your GAL'ing and detaching. Good luck and keep us posted!
I completely agree with all of your advice and I can see that it is working. As DejaVu said, I talk to her like a sister and not my #1 priority. I know that she notices it as she used to be my #1 priority. I know for a fact if I begin pursuit or show enthusiasm that she will go running. Wanted to give an update on my sitch (while it's still fresh in my mind), as she came over tonight (she wanted me to go for coffee but I didn't feel like going out so I asked her if she wanted to come to my house instead and she said yes). First, we were watching TV and eating, not saying much (just commenting on the show), like two friends would. After the show ended, I started cleaning up (kind of me giving her cue to leave) and she said she wanted to talk.
So, the talk began. She said that she has done a lot of thinking and realizes that she needs help. That a lot of her past issues caused her to be a certain way in the marriage, and that before she blamed me for everything, but now she realizes the fault was 50/50, and that she is going to a therapist as well. I told her that I was happy that she was getting help and that I really do believe it will benefit her, as going to a therapist benefits me. We talked about a lot of things but I'll just tell you all the important things. She told me that she still loves me, that she misses me, that she worries about me, but that there are things that would need to change if we were going to get back together. I told her "I still love you, but I don't feel like I am in love with you (I know, the famous line, but I was afraid to tell her that I am still in love with her, isn't that pursuit?) I want to be in love with you. But, I could never go back to our old relationship. I am much better off alone then being in our marriage the way that we were. I am not saying that I could never go back to you, I am saying that I can't go back to our old relationship. If we are going to try to work this out, we need to take it slow and really ask ourselves if we are capable of changing". She said that she feels exactly the same way. I said "We both need to take time and really think about what changes we need from the other person. I'll make a list of what I would really need you to change, and I want you to make a list of what you need me to change. Then we need to both analyze each others list and ask ourselves truthfully, can we make these changes? Are we capable of making these changes?" She said that that's a great idea and she will do it. We agreed to go out from time to time, almost as friends with no commitment or getting hopes up. She said "I'll call/text you when I want to talk to you and I'll invite you out when I want to see you, and I hope you do the same to me"
I just really want to take it slow to protect myself from getting my hopes up and getting hurt. My plan is to keep doing as I am doing, no pursuit or enthusiasm from my part. I don't know if I screwed up in the talk but I feel as though it went ok. I'm ready to hear any and all criticism and advice. How do I proceed from here? Do I ask her out sometimes? My instinct is telling me not to, and I don't plan to. I really have no expectations, and even if she never talks to me again I'll be fine. So I feel as though I am in a good position either way, but truthfully I would love to R. Thank you all!
I think it sounds like you did really well IL8. She initiated the talk. You were honest and kept the door open. You did not jump at the idea of getting back together. You came up with a great plan. Make your list. Wait for her to approach you again to look at it. When you make your list, make sure it is focused on what you want her to DO differently. Be specific if you can. Let her make the first move. I don’t think you should never ask her out. She needs to know that you, too, will make an effort. But let the effort be mostly hers in the beginning. Proceed slowly. This is a great first step. Happy for you!!!
^^^