BD was Oct last year. H had been acting strange in the months preceding, more distant, angry and just checking out of family things. After a while, I called him on it, said that I was unhappy. He said he didn't realise things were so bad and we agreed to try and reconnect. Things then took a turn for the worse, and a week later, he told me he was really unhappy, didn't know what was wrong, but he didn't think we'd be able to fix it. He kept saying "we can't change". Then came 6 months of hell. He turned into an angry, spiteful creature. During this time we agreed he would move out. He moved out in March. Since moving out he has really focused on the children, telling me frequently that he has worked out what is important. I found out a month ago he has been dating. I am 100% certain there was no OW when he left. I am 80% certain any one he is dating is a distraction only.
His job requires him to be away about 40-50 % of the time and I see him about 5 days a week. If it weren't for the fact that he doesn't live with us, that we don't share a bed, you wouldn't know we weren't together.
H is much kinder now. He is always doing things around the house (he sorted through all the Halloween stuff, re-painted the ceiling on the second floor landing, cleaned my car again and sorted through D12's clothes so they'd be ready to give to D8).
So, what's wrong with this picture ... H still acts like our house is still his home. He invited his niece over without asking. He tells me when he is coming over "I will be there at 8 to walk [the dog] and take D12 to school", when he is there he just does things (kind as they might be) without asking.
I am not sure what is best to do.
On the one hand I am practicing the detach with kindness approach, i.e. treat him like a brother. Care about what is happening about him, but try not to let it effect me. This means that when he asks me to join on family events I say "yes" (if I don't have plans) or "no" (if I do have plans). When he does nice things for me I say "thank you, that was very kind of you". On the other hand, am I enabling his cake eating ?
Yesterday was Halloween. H came over around lunch and spent the day decorating the house with D8. His mum and step dad came over with H's niece (7) in the early evening and D12, D8 and H niece all got ready. We all ate dinner together and then D12 and her friends went trick or treating. H and his stepdad took D8 and niece out. I stayed in with MIL and gave candy to the kids who came round. It was a good day/night with laughter and lots of enthusiasm. H did not take his phone out once other than to take photos of the kids and the house.
Contrast this with last year. Halloween H was in the depths of his I hate my W phase. He spent the whole day at the gym (I put the decorations out), came home, criticized the way I'd put the decorations out, yelled at me for moving his gym bag (I didn't - I was too scared to move anything of his back then) and then sat on the sofa like a grumpy [censored]. He only got up to take the kids trick-or-treating.
It was very 'normal'. The normalness of it was a little disconcerting.
I found out something from MIL last night. She said H and her were talking about H's brother and she mentioned that BIL is very depressed. H responded with "mum, so am I". He said that when he is alone in the flat, he really wants to be home with the girls. He said he is lonely. He didn't get to say much more because someone interrupted them. This is the first time he has admitted things aren't all roses. When he left I said to him he might be depressed and he nearly spat in my face.
He has done some other strange things. I had some photos put onto little 10 by 10 inch canvases which I arranged like tiles on one of our walls. When I wasn't home, he insisted his mum go and look at them and said "I can't believe how good they look". He hasn't even mentioned to me that he has noticed them.
He drove me to the station this morning, and as he has the girls tonight and I am out, asked me if I would call the girls. I said of course. Today he sent me a text saying his sister is booking a restaurant for boxing day and would I mind if the girls went. He also made a point of saying that I was welcome too. When I responded on behalf of the girls only, he sent a text back "will you be joining us?". I said I didn't know yet. I mentioned I wasn't feeling very well and would probably be home early. He said I should drop by the flat if it's not too late and say goodnight to the girls.
I know I should have no expectations, and I really don't. I would not be surprised if it turns out that his sudden kindness is driven by guilt. But I cannot help but think that these are positive signs. I will keep detaching and living my life though.
My question is should I be encouraging the contact (without expectations) or should I protect myself and set clearer boundaries. A part of me thinks that I would be setting boundaries purely to 'shock him' into seeing what he is giving up.
I think these are definitely positive signs FS. He is starting to become more aware of his own feelings because you have given him the time and space to do so. Keep doing what you have been doing. No more, no less. I think you have found a pretty good balance of friendly but not too friendly. My H mentioned the other day that his place is getting a bit tired or old... can't remember the exact word he used but it is the first time I have heard him say anything that sounds as if things may not be super duper where he is. But...he still seems happy to go there and hide every day. I am still working on GAL and detaching and feel like you are further ahead in the department than me. And you are in the same boat in terms of how much contact you have. It is tough to detach from someone you see or hear from almost every day. I think you responded to the invite perfectly. Let him sweat it out for awhile. If you go, great, if you don't, guaranteed he will be missing you. Almost makes staying home worth it...lol.
I reread some of my texts that I sent my H in the early days when he was wanting to come home and feeling the weight of everything he had done. His texts implied that he expected I would be wary about having him back and maybe want to protect myself a little bit... he was prepared in the moment to do the work. I cringed when I read my responses. I love you's and WE'LL get through this together, etc... I wish I had known about DBing then because I would have tried to curb the enthusiasm a bit. There is no doubt in my mind that my enthusiasm scared him back into his tunnel again. Even though he was the one reaching out to me, my response was to basically pursue him again. Ugh. So my suggestion to you is that WHEN he starts to put himself out there to reconnect, do NOT jump all over it. Be open to the idea but give him the impression that you are considering it as opposed to grabbing onto it with everything you have. Be cautious and don't give up the gains you have made. I promise that when/if the time comes for me, I will do the same.
As per usual, I think you are doing a fantastic job. Have faith. There are some good signs that your H is starting to question his choices. The less you respond to this, the more he will question. Practice patience and take care of yourself above everything else. (((HUGS)))
My question is should I be encouraging the contact (without expectations) or should I protect myself and set clearer boundaries. A part of me thinks that I would be setting boundaries purely to 'shock him' into seeing what he is giving up.
I struggle with this too. I still don't know why he would want to do the big Halloween thing with me last night. We DID have fun, and were the neighborhood hit, as usual. Had nice chit chat before and after. I'm trying not to look more into it than he just still finds it fun to do, with or without me. Thanksgiving is coming up. Do I specifically invite, or let him ask about it? Maybe I just need to BE, and not overthink and plan anything. I guess I will know a lot more towards the end of the month when he determines if he will stay out of the house or come back. Still actively GAL though, so I'm content for the time being. Every time I see him though, it takes a few days to stop obsessing about what he's thinking and doing every day.
I have spent more time with H this week than any other week that I can remember. Last night when I came in he was here. He had spent the day with the girls and was watching them until I got home. He stayed until 7:30 (when he had to go to play football) and then was back again at 8:15 this morning to take us all to netball. Then we watched netball, I left the girls with him whilst I went shopping for last minute party things, we had D8's birthday party, and then went around to his mums for fireworks and present opening. The girls are with him tonight (I've just been dropped off). He is picking me up tomorrow to go to D12's football game and then he is spending the night here so he will be here Monday morning to open presents with D8. This will be the first night since he MO that he will be staying here with me in the house. Monday night we are all going out to dinner for D8's family birthday meal.
D8 had a swimming party and H was present for all of it. He was taking videos on his phone and shouting encouragement from the side of the pool. He was talking to other parents. He was ENJOYING himself. He wasn't even there for D8's birthday party last year (3 weeks after BD). I phoned him twice before the party to remind him to call her and got nothing. I sent him a video of D8 blowing out the candles and got nothing. We opened presents without him that night. This year he was acting like dad of the year.
H continues to act strange. He is super nice to me and then when I disappoint him, he turns. When I said I wasn't going to his mums after D8's birthday, he said I was being unfair to his mum and then told D8 that they would be opening her presents at his mums (i.e. without me). He seemed to be under the impression I was going out as he said he would take our dog as well so she wouldn't be on her own for the evening. He seemed surprised when I said I wasn't going out.
He now makes a big show of telling me things that he has done. Except of course, the things he does that he does not want me to know about - but even this I think is more him being secretive than actually having secrets. I don't know how he fits OW in. He has been with us pretty much every day for over a week.
My life is very strange. If it were not for the fact that we do not share a bed (or a roof) I would swear we were still together.
I would not be surprised if OW is no more and he just doesn’t want to tell you. So maddening to see him enjoying his time with your kids when before he was missing in action. I totally hear you on that one. I am happy for my kids but I seriously want to punch my H. Just keep doing what you are doing FS. I think you are starting to be the one running the show.
Seems like your husband is starting to care more and more. Just keep detaching. I know how it hurts to see them being the perfect dads all of a sudden Just now H is playing ping pong in the basement with the boys and they are having a blast. Before he was always working ....well at least there is something good in it.
I would not be surprised if OW is no more and he just doesn’t want to tell you.
My MIL thinks the extra kid time this month is because he is going away for a week and feels guilty. He told me he is going to visit his school friend overseas. I only have his word that this is what he is doing. He could be going away with OW for all I know. When we first got together he was with someone else. He had a months training to do in the states, so I went with him the first two weeks. So, it is not beyond reason that he lying to me. I choose not to think about it though.
DJV and Kiwi - yes, it is maddening that he is so affectionate and caring towards the kids. He even spends 5 minutes hugging our dog when he comes in. Everyone but me gets his attention. It [censored] big time. And yes, I frequently want to hit him. But instead I give him a friendly hello, offer him a cup of tea, and pretend none of it bothers me.
Journaling -
Tonight I had planned to go to a comedy club with some girlfriends. I had even arranged for H to babysit tonight. Unfortunately, all my girlfriends are mums, and due to childcare issues, they have all had to bail. So am stuck admitting to H that my friends have bailed or pretending I am still going out and spending a few hours at one of the mums houses, drinking wine and watching sitcoms on TV.
I think I will go with the latter
Also, and this is weird - I mentioned to his mum that I wanted to look at doing further education in psychology (I have a bachelors in psych and maths) because I wanted to do something that helped people. H asked me about it in the car earlier. I said yes, I wanted to do something that was about more than making money. He looked at me, and with all seriousness said "Don't you have to have empathy for that".
