Day went well. Went to the gym, lunch and golfing. I needed to go to lowes by myself but she insisted on going with me. Then we took the kids to dinner.
I have a work function we discussed months ago, and she finally told me she would go....but i cannot have any expectations, which I agreed to. She hates putting on a happy face when that's not the truth. Nonetheless, she is going. I expected some daggers after this discussion.
I got trapped in an R talk. She said we are Platonic right now and I agreed. I explained I am patient and will continue to do so. She said its important we remain friends even if divorced. I said the only promise I have would to be a great father to my kids, nothing more. She seemed offended. I said I'm not hateful or vindictive, but after being treated like $^#% for so long, then we got back together-prompted by YOU- and then possibly divorced, it would be difficult to want to be friends for a time. I told her that HER destruction of a family, fantasies of a happy life after a nuclear bomb like divorce are not practical and she needed to escape from Lala land. I would likely want her out of my life completely, as it would help the healing process. She remained silent.
She then asked how I felt sleeping in the same bed, and I said fine, I have no expectations. I asked her if I should leave the bedroom and she said no, she just wanted my perspective. It would also be hard to explain that to the kids, who were initially told of the divorce then the early reconciliation.
I asked what it would take for the R to work and she does not know. I then asked what it would take for it NOT to work and she did not know.
We changed the topic and all is well. I hate having these discussions but this was the most calm one we have had. While I understand the need to "act as if" all the time, I cannot let her think I will jump through hoops to be friends with her.
Well, it seemed to have worked. I fell asleep on the couch. She came down at 130 am to bring me to bed. In bed, she rubbed my shoulder and tried to hug me a number of times but I was asleep.
I will say the hangover from an R talk is exhausting though. On to a new day
Thanks. Yes, being friends is difficult, especially as we were intimate a month ago and it has been slowly peeling away, to an occasional hug. After all this, the dynamic has shifted a bit. I feel she has more respect for me now.
There is a book called tough love- not sure of the author-
I don't know how it works with MLC and each situation is a little different never read it or followed the techniques and my ways did not help my situation
Best to test any new strategies to see if they seem to help or hurt the situation and if it is true MLC, sometimes nothing really helps
remember MLC is caused by unresolved childhood issues in many instances-
So the only true healing can come from the MLCer if they are willing to seek help and dig deep for their healing Sadly, Many will prefer to go into replay and have fun, use substances or find a way to numb from it
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
The book peacetoday referenced is titled "Love Must Be Tough". I read the book many years ago, and in my opinion, it's not a book of techniques that would work well when dealing with a MLCer/person in depression. MLCers already feel controlled and manipulated and they would see the techniques as trying to change their minds and if push, come to shove, they will take the road of least resistance.
It would be up to you to decide whether you want to try some of the techniques and see if they work or not. Again, you have to try different things along the way.
Here is a link to some recommended reading materials that you may want to scroll through:
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
What's difficult to understand is different days different things work. It's hard to say there is one consistent set of actions that work.
We are pretty much down to a hug in the morning and that's it as far as touching. We still hang out frequently but there is little connection. I notice any time I throw a compliment to her she smiles and seems to like it. This is hard when I'm also trying distance myself. Can opposite approaches be run simultaneously?
Yes, they can change on a dime and give you nine cents change. They are emotional and don't always think rationally. Try to remember that she's an emotional depressed hot mess right now. Yes, you will see moments of clarity, but she will bounce back and forth Their wiring in the brain is a scramble mess. You can't rationalize with someone who is irrational.
Throwing out compliments when they do something that warrants a compliment is okay. Wouldn't you give a compliment to a friend if they did something that warranted a compliment?
Try not to over analyze her behavior or what she says. Focus on you and try to maintain some stability for you and your family. As for your wife, she's going to be bouncing all around for a while.
If you have not read the detachment thread, you may want to do so. It will provide you with some tips on detaching.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I have started to detach but very slowly. It has helped me get back into the grind at work, feel more confident and realize there is a world for me if things don't work out. It is a hard process though. 12 years, med school, residency, children were times of struggle and happiness, and we managed to pull through. I want to remain hopeful but have to prepare for the worst.
I haven't told her she's beautiful in over a week. I haven't said ILY in several days. I haven't hit on her in over a week. It is so hard because that is what helped us get back together for a time. Now it feels empty, stagnant, and like a friendship.
You can always have that flicker of hope and you are right, you still need to prepare for the worse...but let's hope it doesn't come to that.
It is difficult when you think back and see just how far you have come and now, this type of thing happens. But, you need to remember, it's not you, but her. You didn't break her and she is the only one that can fix herself. You didn't cause this situation. Before you loved her, you were friends and that's where you need to go back to. Think about the man you were before you met her. You were single and not a couple and there is nothing wrong in doing things for yourself now and leaving her to herself to figure things out.
Friendship is the first step. Take it minute by minute, hour by hour and then day by day. It will get easier in time.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
